Two weeks is a long time to be without our queen. I can see the time taking its toll on Rowan, I can see how much he misses his heart, his wife. His fireheart. It hurts me to know he’s missing her. Kills me to know I didn’t do anything to save her. That I can’t do anything to help in this mission either.
It hurts even more because I’m the reason she’s gone. She wouldn’t let them take me, so she sacrificed herself. She went with Maeve willingly so I wouldn’t be punished, whipped and chained, the way she had once been. The way she was probably being treated right now.
I close my eyes trying to forget that day. It’s a rare night that I don’t wake up without the nightmares. They’re always there, ready and willing. The nightmares that shift between me losing Aelin or worse. Losing myself.
And it’s always Lorcan who holds the knife.
My heart is heavy. Whatever I thought we had started, whatever we thought was changing between us, was done. At least I tried to convince myself it was. How could I possibly feel something for a man who called for the enemy? A man who claims it was to save me, and yet stood in front of our court and promised he did it all for Maeve.