Humans are weird little aliens, Part 2
Oh wow, you guys really liked the first part, thanks a lot! Anyways:
“They’re starting to creep me out.” Said Captain Kii’o, hesitating to turn the page.
“Nonsense! Humans are harmless. Most of the time.”
“Precautions to take if a human ever tries to fight you and/or your crew:”, Kii’o kept reading the guide.
“Do not try to kill them with Clear Poison. Humans need it to survive, and drink it daily.
Do not try to intoxicate them with Oxygen. They breathe it, and will ignore your attack.”
“They breathe the gas that fire needs to exist? Are we sure they don’t spit fire as well?” Maefaa questioned, his face turning a bright green hue.
“Well, I suppose, if they had some sort of spark mechanism… doesn’t matter right now. We’re still considering options.” Kii’o assured.
Maefaa briefly flashed yellow, which would be the human equivalent to ‘nodding’.
“Do not try to attack them if no weapon rank 5 or higher is nearby. Even though human appendages were not evolved for hitting, they have made common knowledge of clenching their (usually five) mini-appendages together and swinging them with frighteningly high accuracy. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE ON PHYSICAL COMBAT AGAINST A HUMAN.
That being said, here are some tips on what to do.
DO stay calm. Humans are known for using their enemies’ panic to their advantage.
DO try to calm THEM. Saying phrases like ‘no one is here to hurt you’ or ‘we just want to help’ usually bring their violence precipitation risk down to about 20%.
DO offer the human food. We haven’t figured out why just yet, but humans LOVE sustenance. ‘Pastries’ and ‘tea’ are extremely effective when it comes to relaxing humans. If you are unsure of what these are, please refer to attachment H-05.”
“Ooh! Kii’o, can I look at the attachment? I’m really curious, how do ‘pastries’ look like?” Said Maefaa, excited.
“Uhm, sure.” Kii’o turnet do the last few pages of the book. After flipping around for 3 semi-jo’us, Kii’o removed a piece of paper from a folder. “Here you go.”
“Wow, this one looks really cool. ‘Nana’s Strawberry Shortcake’, huh? Who is this legendary ‘Nana’??”
“Pretty sure there’s credits at the end of each page.”, Kii’o replied.
Maefaa began to read the text out loud. “Research team 49 found this chemistry experiment quite amusing to taste, and brought a copy of the recreation instructions with them. When a young human was interrogated about the mythical ‘Nana’, the human simply said ‘The best at making food that ever was!’ Truly, the rest of the universe has been gifted with the legendary ‘Nana’’s abilities.”
“Sounds like a hero alright. I wonder if humans worship Nana as a higher being.” Kii’o said, while flipping back to the part they were reading before they got to know the legends of Nana’s pastries.
(I’ll post the next part tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!)