will horto

  • Cerberus: *bites people*
  • Caecilius: *est in horto*
  • Grumio: *falls for the slave girl*
  • Caecilius: *est in horto*
  • Metella: *uses loads of money to buy Quintus new tunics*
  • Caecilius: *est in horto*
  • Quintus: *breaks the nose off a statue of a famous Pompeiian athlete and the athelete gets really mad at him*
  • Caecilius: *est in horto*
  • Volcano: *is erupting, and is bound to kill everyone in the city*
  • Caecilius: *est in horto*

brainwad  asked:

Your comment about Chicago decaying made me think of the Dresden Files, & how Harry remarks that Chicago is built on Chicago, bc the swampy ground means everything is slowly sinking. How true is this?

100% true. Chicago is built on a swamp, predominantly between a river and a lake. Supposedly “Chi ka gua” means “swamp of the stinking onions” in a local indigenous language (I thiiiiiink the Potawatomi but I could be mistaken, don’t quote me).  

Prior to the introduction of the grillage in Chicago architecture – again don’t quote me but I believe a Chicago architect invented the grillage to deal with Chicago’s unique challenges – high-rise (for the time) buildings would be constructed with a built-in “sink” measurement, usually between eight and eighteen inches. Ground-level doors were placed slightly above ground level with the expectation that over the course of a year or two, the building would sink as it settled into the swampy soil. If you go to the Rookery Building on a Wednesday and take the Chicago Architectural Society tour they will take you into the service corridors of the building, which is pre-grillage, and you can see the frankly fascinating ways in which the floor of the building warped as it settled. 

A grillage is a series of steel beams layered across one another horizontally, which works a little like a raft, allowing a building to “float” on Chicago’s swampy soil; most buildings from the last century, including the one I live in, have a grillage underneath them. Someday a big earthquake is going to hit and it’s going to look awesome from somewhere other than inside Chicago. 

Additionally, the “Streeterville” neighborhood is named for a pirate and all-round asshole named Streeter who basically salvaged and dumped any goddamn rubbish he could find around a sandbar in the lake until he had literally extended Chicago out into the lake in a large enough swath to create an entirely new neighborhood, which is now one of the most expensive areas to live in. That part of Chicago is very literally built on Chicago, as I believe one of the sources of his rubbish was haul-off from the Great Chicago Fire. 

And to conclude there are parts of Chicago, just south of Streeterville, where factories creating very toxic byproducts dumped industrial waste, so part of Chicago is literally radioactive and you can’t build there without extensive soil studies being done to make sure you won’t kick up the radioactive dust and poison everything in the immediate vicinity. 

Chicago’s municipal motto, by the way, is “Urbs in Horto” which translates as “The City in the Garden”.

Los signos cuando llegan a casa y no tienen comida:

Aires: por qué me hacéis esto, ¿yo qué os he hecho?

Tauro: ya tenía comida dentro de su habitación por si alguna guerra nuclear llegara a ocurrir

Géminis: bueno vale, ¿QUÉ NO HAY PATATAS? Bueno me conformo… ¿QUÉ? Que sí coño, que no grito más, se entera de que tampoco hay bebidas OS VOY A MATAR A TODOS.

Cancer: hace galletas les sale como el horto al menos hay algo.

Leo: me he enfadado. se va a comer a un restaurante solo, con cara de mala hostia

Virgo: que no haya comida no está previsto en mi agenda. Lo vais a pagar caros josdeputa.

Libra: se queda sin comer pero a la hora de la cena devora todo lo que han traído. persona: deberías parar de comer Libra: cállate estúpida, mi estómago, idiota.

Escorpio: No importa tengo algo en el almacén. tiene un rehén

Sagitario: aprovecha y se acopla a comer en casa de unos amigos para luego ir a su casa a tirar huevos a la ventana del culpable de que no haya comida

Capricornio: ¿y ahora qué hago? ¿Me mato?

Acuario: pone pucheros al enterarse qué os pasa ¿acaso queréis matarme?

Piscis: se queda en shock por unos segundos y luego va a la cocina a intentar preparar algo, ve unas migas de galletas del desayuno por qué satán, yo confiaba en ti

THE CAMBRIDGE LATIN COURSE: STAGE I

CAECILIUS (OUR HERO) EST IN FUCKING HORTO (GARDEN). CAECILIUS IS ALWAYS IN THE FUCKING HORTO. HE HAS A WHOLE VILLA, BUT HE’S ALWAYS JUST FUCKING AROUND IN THE HORTO. 

METELLA (HIS WIFE) IN ATRIO (ATRIUM) SEDET (SITS). METELLA IS A FUCKING GREAT HOUSEWIFE. SHE JUST SEDET ALL THE TIME. USUALLY IN THE ATRIO, BUT SOMETIMES IN THE HORTO TOO. SHE NEVER AMBULAT (WALKS) THOUGH. NEVER. SHE COULD BE ANYWHERE, BUT SHE IS ALWAYS SEDENS. ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

ANCILLA (A SLAVE GIRL) PULCHRA (PRETTY) EST. ANCILLA GRUMIONEM (THE COOK) DELECTAT (PLEASES). GRUMIO FUTUTOR MATRIS SCELESTUS EST (A CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER).

THE CAMBRIDGE LATIN COURSE: STAGE IV

QUINTUS EST FILIUS (THE SON). QUINTUS EST STERCULUS MOLESTUS (AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT). QUINTUS ROGAT QUAESTIONES AB OMNIBUS (ASKS EVERYONE QUESTIONS). QUINTUS NON ABFUTAT (DOES NOT FUCK OFF). HE GETS LESS ANNOYING LATER. LATER HE TURNS INTO AN INSANE MASS MURDERER. JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT.

MEANWHILE, GRUMIO EBRIUS EST (DRUNK). AGAIN. GRUMIO BASICALLY SPENDS ALL HIS TIME IN CULINA DRUNK WITH AN ANCILLA OR TWO. HE NEVER SEEMS TO DO ANY COOKING. HE’S A REALLY SHIT SLAVE. GRUMIO E TABERNA REVENIT (COMES HOME FROM THE PUB). GRUMIO EBRISSIMUS EST (COMPLETELY FUCKING HAMMERED). 

GRUMIO PICTURA VIDIT (SEES THE PAINTING). MAGNUS FUTUTUS LEO  (A HUGE FUCKING LION) EST IN PICTURA. GRUMIO EST PERTERRITUS (TERRIFIED.) “EHEU!” (OH SHIT) SAYS GRUMIO, “FUTUTUS MATRIS LEO EST IN TRICLINIO!” (THERE’S A MOTHERFUCKING LION IN THE DINING ROOM). GRUMIO ABCURRIT. (RUNS AWAY). GRUMIO IS A REALLY SHIT SLAVE, AND A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT.

~Learn Latin the Fast and Fun way!~

Lesson 1
Story 1


Artemisia et Maximus 

Artemisia est femina et habet duos filios. 

Artemisia is a woman and (she) has two sons.


Nunc in horto est.

Now she’s in the garden.

 Sedet et cogitat. 
She is sitting and (she) is thinking(/contemplating)

Maximus, suus amicus intrat. Artemisia Maximum spectat. 
(Maximus, her friend enters. Artemisia stares at Maximum).

-Quid agis? (Maximus)

How are you? (/What are you doing?)

-Bene, et tu? (Artemisia)

Well and you?
-Laboro. I am working
-Tibi placent mei flores?

Do you like my flowers?

-Flores sunt pulchri.
Flowers are beautiful.

-Quid agit tuus filius? 

What is your son doing? (/How is your son?)

-Dormit. 

He is sleeping. 


-Hmmmm… Bene, [ego] pingere volo. 

Hmmmmm… Good, I want to draw/paint.

 -Quid pingere visne?
What do you want to draw?

-Leonem

A lion

-Ooooo, sede! Audio aliquid!

Oooo, sit down! I am hearing something!

-Quid es? What is it?

-Nescio! I don’t know!


A man with a beard approaches Artemisia and Maximus. 


Artemisia: Quis es tu? Who are you?

Stranger: Ego sum novus vicinus.

I am the new neighbour.

Artemisia: (smells the air suspiciously) 

Novus vicinus? Et quid vis hic?

The new neighbour? And what do you want here?

Vicinus: Cur es irata?
Why are you angry?


Artemisia: Hmmm… Non sum irata
inquit femina et spectat virum. 

Hmmmmm… I am not angy… the woman says and she stares at the man. 


Quiz: 

Fill in the following gaps in Latin!

Artemisia is a woman (_fe______) and she is sitting at the garden( in hor__).

Maximus is her friend (am_____). The woman loves flowers( fl____).

Her son is sleeping (do_____).

Now fill in the gaps in English.

Artemisia habet duos filios (filios=_____). Filius suus dormit (dormit=_____). 

Maximus pingere (pingere= ______) vult (wants). 

Artemisia ist irata 

irata means

a) angry    b) sleeping

Artemisia flores amat

flores mean:

a) garden    b) flowers

Vir novus vicinus est.

Vir means:

a) man     b) woman


To be continued…

Hope you enjoyed this brief story :) 

THE CAMBRIDGE LATIN COURSE: STAGE III

CAECILIUS NON EST IN HORTO. WORDS THAT HORRIFY EVEN THE MOST HARDENED CLASSICIST. EVEN MORE ALARMINGLY, HE’S NOT IN THE FUCKING VILLA AT ALL. CAECILIUS EST IN FORO, DOING NEGOTIUM (BUSINESS). NO, CAECILIUS NON EST MERETRIX (A PROSTITUTE). CAECILIUS EST ARGENTARIUS (A WANKER BANKER) IN THEORY. IN PRACTICE, HE GOES INTO TOWN EVERY DAY AND COMES BACK WITH PECUNIA (MONEY). CAECILIUS PROBABLY EST LENO (A PIMP). THE ARGENTARIUS EXCUSE IS JUST TO KEEP METELLA HAPPY.

MEANWHILE, METELLA TAKES ADVANTAGE OF CAECILIUS’ ABSENCE TO LET CELER INTO THE VILLA. CELER EST PICTOR (A PAINTER). CELER PINGIT (PAINTS) PICTURAM (A PICTURE). IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING LION. REMEMBER THE LION. IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT LATER. 

BACK IN FORO, CAECILIUS, HAVING HAD AN ACCIDENT WITH SOME VERSI SCURRILI (BAD PORN) MEETS SYPHAX. SYPHAX EST VENALICIUS (A SLAVE TRADER). YOU THOUGHT GRUMIO WAS THE ONLY FUTUTOR MATRIS SCELESTUS IN ROME? THINK AGAIN. SYPHAX MAKES GRUMIO LOOK LIKE A HOMO VIRTUS (FINE AND UPSTANDING CITIZEN). HE’S EVEN GOT A CREEPY BEARD. WHAT A HORRIBLE MOTHERFUCKER.

mas gosto da noite e do riso de cinzas. gosto do
deserto, e do acaso da vida. gosto dos enganos, da sorte e
dos encontros inesperados.
pernoito quase sempre no lado sagrado do meu cora-
ção, ou onde o medo tem a precariedade doutro corpo.

a dor de todas as ruas vazias.

—  Al Berto, in Horto de Incêndio
THE CAMBRIDGE LATIN COURSE: STAGE XIII

STAGE XIII OPENS ON AN ALL-NEW FAMILY SOMEWHERE IN BRITAIN.

OUR NEW HERO EST SALVIUS. SALVIUS IN VILLA MAGNIFICA HABITAT. SALVIUS EST A BIG BAG OF DICKS.

SALVIUS’ WIFE EST RUFILLA. RUFILLA MULTAS ANCILLAS HABET (HAS FUCKLOADS OF SLAVEGIRLS).

SERVUS EST VARICA. VARICA EST AN INFERIOR KNOCKOFF OF CLEMENS.

COQUUS EST VOLUBILIS. VOLUBILIS EST A HELL OF A LOT FANCIER THAN GRUMIO, AND ALSO NOT A CREEP. HE’S EGYPTIAN, AND HE WEARS FAR TOO MUCH EYELINER. 

SERVI SUNT LOQUAX ET ANTILOQUAX. LOQUAX ET ANTILOQUAX SUNT GEMINI (TWINS). THEIR MOTHER WAS SHIT AT NAMES. 

ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW IS THAT SALVIUS IS THE BIGGEST SHITWEASEL IN THE ROMAN EMPIRE AND EVERYONE HATES HIM. WHAT AN AWFUL MOTHERFUCKER.