R.I.P. Dave

Our party, a half-elven bard, half-orc barbarian, dwarf cleric, and gnome rogue, are coming back to the local tavern from doing errands while our bard is asking two gentlemen at the bar for rumors. 

Guy 1: “I heard there has been a series of murders around town.”

Guy 2: “I heard Dave fucked your wife.”

Guy 1 is now angry and asks our bard to kill Dave for a price. Our bard is flustered and refuses the offer while our rogue bursts down the tavern door and yells across the room.


Guy 1 is fuming but the rogue offers to help kill Dave. Our barbarian then charges in.


Guy 1 is absolutely furious but both the rogue and the barbarian are able to get some information about Dave. As they leave the tavern to complete their new quest, the barbarian asks the rogue for a gold coin. 

Barbarian: “I turn to the next customer coming into the tavern and ask them to yell ‘I heard Dave fucked your wife’ and hand them the gold coin.”

Customer: “Nice! Easiest gold coin I’ve ever made!”

As the two leave on the street, they hear a ruckus coming from inside the tavern in which they later learn that customer is dead.

gahnet  asked:

also top 5 justin trudeau quotes


1. “My wife thinks it’s hot, so that’s all that matters.” (referring to the bruise on his eyelid after the boxing match)

2. “No, but if [the States] wanted to join us as provinces, then we could probably talk about that.”


Originally posted by welcometoyouredoom

4. “Justin, what’s with the fucking mustache?”

5. “I live Canada in my bones, every breath I take.”


I’m playing Dragon Age Origins: Awakening and I got to the part in the Wending Wood where Oghren shouts “No one touches my junk and lives!” and my immediate reaction was “Maybe that’s why your wife is dead” 1) that’s probably one of the funniest things I’ve said while playing this game 2) I’m going straight to hell 

Challenge my wife

2017 will be mostly challenges for my wife to complete.

1. I want her to send me a selfie of her covered in at least one guys cum a month for the entire year.

2. I want her to have at least one gangbang in 2017.

3. I want her to get DP’d in front of me.

4. I want her to watch me with another woman.

4a. Then join in.

What else would you challenge her to….?

Reblog with your comments and I will see what happens.


Happy 1 year anniversary, Shirley! ( @destieldrabblesdaily) Thank you for being an amazing friend and even more amazing wife! Words can’t express how thankful and happy I am to have a friend, who I can talk with about anything and know they will always understand and support me. Even though there are 2 (or 1) hours and millions of kilometers between us, I still consider you one of my closest friends. You’re a dork, and an asshole, you have the kindest heart, and I love you with my whole soul 💕💞💖💝

Girlfriend Tag Questions - Lesbian Edition

Here are some questions to answer when filming a girlfriend tag video with you and your girlfriend (or fiancée, wife). Have fun!

1. When and where did you meet?
2. What did you first notice about each other?
3. Who first asked the other out?
4. Where was your first date?
5. Who said “I love you” first?
6. How did your first kiss happen? Who initiated it?
7. When is your anniversary?
8. When is your girlfriend’s birthday? Who is older?
9. When did you meet each other’s parents and what was that like?
10. What is a typical date night like for you and your girlfriend?
11. What made you realize you were in love with her?
12. Choose one word to describe your girlfriend. Why that word?
13. Were you friends before you became lovers?
14. Have either of you dated a girl before getting with your girlfriend?
15. Have you ever been mistaken for sisters?
16. Do you get more support or hate from others towards your relationship?
17. Have you faced any difficulties or prejudice because you are a same sex couple?
18. Do you do any PDA?
19. Does your girlfriend have any pets?
20. How do you usually spend your time together?
21. What is one thing your girlfriend does that you don’t like?
22. What is your girlfriend’s favorite food? Least favorite food?
23. How many people are in your girlfriend’s family?
24. What is your girlfriend’s favorite musical artist?
25. Do you have a couple song?
26. Do you have a couple name (i.e. Brangelina)?
27. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
28. Who is the better driver?
29. Who is the better cook?
30. Who is the better singer?
31. Who is the better dancer?
32. Can your girlfriend play any musical instruments?
33. What is your girlfriend’s favorite TV show?
34. What is your girlfriend’s favorite movie?
35. What do you and your girlfriend fight about the most?
36. How do you two get over a fight?
37. Who is your girlfriend’s #1 celebrity crush?
38. Does your girlfriend like and/or play any sports? If so, which ones?
39. What sports team(s) does your girlfriend root for?
40. What nationality(s) is your girlfriend?
41. What is your girlfriend’s eye color?
42. What is one thing about your girlfriend most people don’t know?
43. What are your pet names for each other?
44. What is the #1 item on your girlfriend’s bucket list?
45. Does your girlfriend have any quirky habits?
46. What is your girlfriend’s favorite animal?
47. Who squashes the bugs?
48. What is your girlfriend’s favorite color?
49. Who spends more when shopping?
50. Pass on one piece of relationship advice.

8 Ways On How To Win The Heart Of Your Wife

How to win the heart of your wife:

1. Give your wife lots of compliments.

2. Simply look in her eyes, listen and acknowledge her.

3. Never compare her to anyone to get her to change.

4. Tell your wife you love her daily. Learn to express it in different ways. being intimate is a mans way to tell his wife he loves her, do it in a different way. Just by helping her around the house, you show you love her.

5. Never criticize her or make fun when getting intimate.

6. Be supportive of her choices and ideas.

7. Learn to apologize.

8. Help her around the house and with the kids.

dokurochrome  asked:

Kinda twitter AU but Victor comes across Yuuri just reading a bunch of bad shit about himself.


JJ’s Queen @JJsQueen52
I don’t understand why @v-nikiforov wastes his time on @yuurikatsuki! Did you see his jumps today! Pathetic!

Twincest @Crispinofan69
should have just stayed down when he hit the ice! How did he end up in 3rd after that horrible performance?

Skater Girl @figureskatergirl

Scottish Lucy @BigRed1999

victor’s peasant @steponmevictor
can’t believe @v-nikiforov is wasting so much money on @yuurikatsuki! he bought him a puppy! no, but me a puppy instead!

Maria Gray @ice+par+tay
doesn’t have the talent to pull @v-nikiforov routines off to the best of their abilities. @yuri-plisetsky can though

Minami No.1 Fan @no1chickenfan
is counted as Japan’s number one skater, which is bullshit! @Ken_Minami should be Japan’s number one skater!

Christophe Fanclub @swiss+do+it+better
Still can’t believe that they gave @yuurikatsuki a medal which clearly belonged to @christophe-gc

Tanned Boys @bEtTeRwHeNtAnNedD
I don’t understand how my sweet cinnamon roll @phichit+chu can be friends with the piece of trash!

Russian Fairy @yuris-angel-58
There should only be one Yuri on the ice @yuri-plisetsky skates 100x better than @yuurikatsuki so get him off the ice already

Victor Nikiforov’s Future Wife @Vic-Nik-No-1
There are so many more beautiful people out in the world, I don’t understand why @v-nikiforov is settling for some Asian nobody

Yuuri gasped as his phone was pulled out of his hands.

“Yuuri,” Victor hummed softly, causing him to slowly turned his head to glance at his fiancé. “What are you doing?” The Russian questioned while throwing his phone off the bed.

Yuuri sat quietly for a moment, staring at Victor while continued to smile at him ever so gently.

“N-nothing?” He mumbled hesitantly. Victor stared at him for a moment longed before reaching over and pulling him forwards. Yuuri’s cheeks quickly turned red as he was pulled into the Russian’s lap.

“Yuuri, Yusha, my beautiful, beautiful fiancé,” Victor mumbled before pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“You know they only speak lies, lyubimyy. You shouldn’t believe them, nor should you be going through all the comments,” Victor told him while continuing to pepper his lips and face in gentle kisses.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, unable to hide the smile from his face anymore.

“And so you should be, no one is allowed to make my husband unhappy, that is forbidden,” Victor said while pulling back slightly to look him in the eyes.

“Okay,” Yuuri sighed in defeat, only to giggle as his fiancé returned to showering him in gentle kisses.

Maybe Victor was right, maybe he shouldn’t go through all the negative comments.

Twitter War AU

Newly Weds

Originally posted by hunterchesters

Pairing: Crowley x wife!Reader
Word count: 1,075


“Um, I never agreed to stay married.” You pointed out.

When he looked at you, he looked a bit smug. “But you haven’t once said you wanted out of this little marriage. So, how’s about I take my Queen for a day of shopping? After all, you’ll need to look the part.” He smirked.

After a day of shopping, the pair of you were back in the hotel room. Amazingly, you’d had a wonderful day. It didn’t feel like you were out with the King of Hell. It honestly felt natural to laugh with him. Setting your bags down, you stretched your back. “Did I give a reason why I wanted to get married?” You asked shyly, having had the question on your tongue all day.

He chuckled lightly. “I believe you said something about an accent, something about there being more than meets the eye, curiosity, and you said it was a bonus that your brothers would be furious.” Crowley shrugged, clearly amused. “Honestly, once you got giggly and amused with the way I said certain words? I stopped listening because I could barely understand you.”

You blushed at that, having always been a happy drunk. “Well, then…” You swallowed, nodding slightly. “Did we, uh, ya know… consummate the marriage?” Not exactly a question you ever expected to have to ask.

Crowley couldn’t help but grin at how shy you were becoming over this. “Love, you were drunk.” He pointed out. “I may be the King of Hell, but even I understand limits. I simply snapped you into your attire from this morning when you crawled into bed and fell asleep.”

Hearing that he’d been that much of a gentleman, you smiled at him. “Well, thank you for that.” You told him sincerely. “I appreciate it.” Not many human men would be that considerate.

“Of course.” He replied, moving towards the large windows that overlooked the strip. “Shall we inform your brothers of our union? Or will I be getting paperwork to have this annulled?” Crowley asked, his hands in his pockets.

You chewed on the inside of your lip and moved to stand with him. “I’ve enjoyed myself, Crowley.” You said softly, causing him to look over at you. “Not even the shopping. Getting to spend time with the real you.” Looking at him, you gave him a small smile. “I-I’d like to give this a chance.” Your stomach was going nuts, and you were nervous as all hell, but it was what felt right. “If that’s okay with you…” Suddenly, you felt like you’d said the wrong thing.

He turned to face you. “Looks like the Winchesters have a new brother-in-law.” He chuckled. “How about we spend one more day in Sin city before we deal with those two?” There was no way that conversation would be peaceful, or easy. Besides, you deserved to enjoy yourself as opposed to helping those two idiots.

“I’d like that.” You agreed.

Keep reading

Headcanon:Kara gets home to find Pregnant!Lena in tears holding a onesie to her chest. When she asks what happened Lena shows her the onesie Winn got them. It’s written “hatched by two chicks” and Kara cannot contain her laughter as she hugs her very emotional wife.

Superbaby headcanons 1/

@kamikazesoundsociety CAME THROUGH WITH THE TIM TAMS 😍😍she knew how much I was missing them from my time abroad and send me a pack!!! For any of you that haven’t had these things… look out. they’re crack lmao. but @ Kami thank you sooooooo much babe I’m considering this your proposal and I accept when’s the wedding