I highly doubt this will reach an audience, I mean I have like no followers. But. I have to try.
In light of 13 Reasons Why coming out on Netflix, I’ve been reminded lately all to well of my own past. And I wish teenage me knew then what I know now. I wish SOMEONE would have told me that there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.
I am a suicide attempt survivor. Not just once either. I attempted to kill myself SEVEN times, and did not succeed. And for that, I am grateful. Now stick with me, this is a long story.
I was the girl in the back of the classroom that no one liked. I was called parasite. People spread untrue rumors that I was a whore and I was easy (fun fact, I was a virgin until I was 17). I had no friends. I discovered the internet at the young age of 10 (2005 for you young ones that don’t agree 10 is young). And when I was 14 I became the victim of a very cruel internet joke. I met a guy online, or so I thought, his pictures were fake and I didn’t know. I printed them off and put them in my binder at school and proudly bragged of my new boyfriend. The other kids realized “he” was fake before I did, they made fun of me relentlessly, I was devastated. When I was 16, a boy in my class said “If you think Laren should kill herself raise your hand” and all but one person raised their hand. No one thought about how their words would stick to me well into my adult years, no one realized how vividly I would remember all of that, and no one cared. Absolutely no one in that school cared if I lived or died, at least not the kids. My 17th birthday should have been a good memory, I finally had a friend and I had her over that night and it was AMAZING. Until some kids from school had somehow got my number and called that night, I’m thankful that I don’t remember what they said anymore. But it didn’t end there. After a 3 year on and off relationship that was horrible, I was entirely too naive and forgiving but I don’t want to go into it, I moved on. And that, my friends, is where I found the light and all the bad became worth it because of the good. I met the man who is now my husband. It didn’t take long to realize he was my soulmate, you may not believe in those; I didn’t either until I met him. In October of 2015 I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed. And nervous, I think that’s a natural side effect of finding out you’re growing a life. I had a rocky pregnancy, but June 9, 2016 my beautiful daughter was brought into this world. That moment that they tell you to wait for? That was mine. That was my blinding happiness, the start of a whole new chapter of my life and for the first time I was able to put my past behind me. Shortly after she was born, I got married to her father. The most loving and dedicated man I have ever met. And I’m happy. I’m finally truly no strings attached happy. All the pain I suffered, all those years I wished for nothing but the end, every single moment that led up to this, was worth it. I sit here and watch my daughter play, and read her a bedtime story and watch her learn and grow and I am SO glad I failed.
Your pain will end. Your life will be bright. Don’t snuff out your flame early, please, just trust that this world is going to be a good place for you very soon. Keep on holding on.