why-i-exist

Idk what’s wrong with me but since I’ve started working again every night when I get home I am ready to kill myself and everyone in the world, I’m filled with such a weird frustrating suicidal rage and I can’t figure out why. I want all existence to cease immediately and every little thing just prods at me and it feels like I’m on the verge of exploding on everyone I know. I hate to be that person and quote btmi but I’m a fucking panic bomb every night. I don’t think it’s my job because even though I hate it it’s not like it causes me anguish or anything. I really don’t know what’s wrong it’s scary and I want it to end

A Shin from today’s doodles

6

Constance Wu on Twitter: Men who sexually harass women [for an Oscar]! [Because] good acting performance matters more than humanity, human integrity! [Because] poor kid [really] needs the help!

@TheAcademy congrats on not learning from the past! Congrats on reinforcing the BTS mistreatment of women in [Hollywood]! Who cares [right]? Go Casey!

Boys! BUY [your] way out of trouble by settling out of court! Just do a good acting job, [that’s] all that matters! [Because] Art isn’t about humanity, right?

Here’s a thing I wrote during an convo w/ @PeterShinkoda about how Casey Affleck’s win will be a nod to Trump’s.

Right, he’s not running for Prez. He’s running for an award that honors a craft whose purpose is examining the dignity of the human experience & young women are deeply human. The absence of awards doesn’t diminish a great performance. That’s on the page, or screen, as it were… and the opportunity to even DO the part is a tremendous honor in and of itself. But the choices an awarding committee makes DOES increase the dignity of an award and brings light to the pursuit our craft seeks to honor. It signifies said committee’s awareness of the harmful oversights it may have unknowingly participated in the past, and the respect and dignity to learn from the past, not repeat it and not to use it as an excuse to reinforce the industry’s gross and often hidden mistreatment of women. Art doesn’t exist for the sake of awards, but awards do exist to honor all that art is trying to accomplish in life. So context matters. Because in acting, human life matters. It’s why art exists. I know it’s just an award but I guess I’m in this career, not for awards, but because the treatment of human life matters to me. So I stand the fuck up for it.

I’ve been counseled not to talk about this for career’s sake. F my career then, I’m a woman & human first. That’s what my craft is built on.

Honestly, I am baffled as to why cringe culture exists. I don’t understand what people get out of mocking people for things they like. 

We’re not talking about like…. Genuinely harmful things like killing stalking or bad ships/pairings, we’re talking about harmless things like The Care Bears, The Emoji Movie, Webkinz, Five Nights at Freddy’s, Undertale, ect. There is no point to mocking and bullying people for hyperfixations/special interests that you may consider cringey. Grow up, act your age, and go outside.

If you have a “cringey” or “dumb” special interest/hyperfixation, don’t let anyone bring you down. You and your interest are absolutely valid and deserving of good things.

Kin an Emoji Movie character, make lgbt pride icons for FNaF, play undertale, post about how good 2000s/90s cartoons are, post a picture of you wearing your favorite My Little Pony shirt, make a care bears blog, post about Hamtaro, talk about Sonic The Hedgehog. Hell, make a trans slendytubbies icon. Enjoy your interests and don’t let cringe culture stop you from enjoying good things 💛

Dating Jaebum would include pt.3

I hope you guys prepared your thirsty butts like i told you to

• him giving you piggy backs when your feet hurt bc of your high heels
• he would sing you to sleep every night
• also sings his self composed songs for your birthday
• and on normal days
• basically every second
• because you’d love it
• you would dance to got7 choreos all the time when he is not around
• but one day he would come home earlier and see you in the kitchen while making dinner and dancing to ‘if you do’
• and he’d take a video
• and watch it everyday
• and just to show his members
• because he would be so proud of his girl
• bboy battle between you two
• and dance battles with Yugyeom
• with Jaebum cheering for you
• and craving for your body
• cuz he’d be about to drag you out of practise into an empty room to fuck you against a wall
• he would get hard just thinking about it
• but then he would cringe at your dab battle with Bambam
• and Bambam would dab so hard that he hit himself
• in his face
• and you couldn’t stop laughing
• derp face battle with Jackson
• selca battle with Youngjae
• who-can-shut-up-longer battle with Mark
• but you would lose
• i mean
• we’re talking about Mark
• and then you’d do an aegyo battle with him instead
• savage battle with Jinyoung
• staying late at the dorm with the boys and you just giving attention to Coco
• pouty Jaebum
• BUT COCO IS CUTE OK!!!!!!!
• Jaebum trying to get your attention by taking off his shirt
• and you would stare at his abs
• and he’d smirk at you
• but you would continue to cuddle with Coco
• so he would just give up
• but when you guys go to bed you would walk into his room seeing him lying on the bed
• “You’re not jealous of Coco are you~”
• then you’d plop down on the bed after stripping out of your clothes and spooning him from behind
• “no”
• “of course you are Jaebumie~”
• so you would try to sweet talk him with aegyo
• and it would actually work when he turned around to face you
• and sees that you didn’t wear anything
• he would show you how jealous he is for not giving him attention but a dog by fucking you
• that everyone knows who you belong to
• even Coco lol
• and his members
• so Bambam and Jackson would tease him the next day about getting jealous of a fucking dog
• and they would snicker about you screaming ‘daddy’ all night long
• so you would kick their asses
• casual park dates
• with him wearing sunglasses
• and a cap
• and a mask
• just low-key af
• he would tease you sexually when you’re on your period
• and you going insane about it
• so you would suck him and leave him on the edge before he cums walking to the living room to watch some netflix
• with him following you
• “baby, don’t do this”
• “that’s your own fault for teasing me. but you propably know how to use your left hand.”
• “come on baby girl. you know exactly that your pretty little mouth is better than my hand!”
• “your loss.”
• so his eyes would darken and he would walk in front of you
• “you know what happens to disobedient girls who won’t listen to their daddy?~”
• then he would push you down the couch and hover over you
• “They get punished”
• and then he’d continue the teasing until you suck him off properly
• “just keep in your mind that i will fuck you against every corner of this apartment when you get off your period”
• “you wouldn’t”
• “try me princess”
• and guess what
• he would keep his promise
• bc he’s a fuckboy
• and fuckboys do things like that
• but he would propably cuddle you after that steamy session
• wait no
• he would definetely cuddle you
• bc remember pt.2?
• he’d be the best cuddle buddy in the whole goddamn world ♡

good lord why did i even made this jaebum would include thing. im criyng i really luv it

Originally posted by amerthaikong

Guys, if any of you have any triggers you want me to tag please tell me. 

  • I don’t care if it’s embarrassing
  • That’s why anon exists
  • I will literally tag whatever triggers you have
  • Especially if it’s a phobia 

I exist. It’s sweet, so sweet, so slow. And light: you’d think it floated all by itself. It stirs. It brushes by me, melts and vanishes. Gently, gently. There is bubbling water in my mouth. I swallow. It slides down my throat, it caresses me – and now it comes up again into my mouth. For ever I shall have a little pool of whitish water in my mouth – lying low – grazing my tongue. And this pool is still me. And the tongue. And the throat is me. 

I see my hand spread out on the table. It lives – it is me. It opens, the fingers open and point. It is lying on its back. It shows me its fat belly. It looks like an animal turned upside down. The fingers are the paws. I amuse myself by moving them very rapidly, like the claws of a crab which has fallen on its back.

…It would be much better if I could only stop thinking. Thoughts are the dullest things. Duller than flesh. They stretch out and there’s no end to them and they leave a funny taste in the mouth. Then there are words, inside the thoughts, unfinished words, a sketchy sentence which constantly returns…It goes, it goes…and there’s no end to it. It’s worse than the rest because I feel responsible and have complicity in it. For example, this sort of painful rumination: I exist, I am the one who keeps it up. I. The body lives by itself once it has begun. But thought – I am the one who continues it, unrolls it. I exist. How serpentine this feeling of existing – I unwind it, slowly…If I could keep myself from thinking! I try, and succeed: my head seems to fill with smoke…and then it starts again: “Smoke…not to think…don’t want to think…I think I don’t want to think. I mustn’t think that I don’t want to think. Because that’s still a thought. Will there never be an end to it?

My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think…and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment  – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire: the hatred, the disgust of existing, there are as many ways to make myself exist, to thrust myself into existence. Thought are born at the back of me, like sudden giddiness, I feel them being born behind my head…if I yield, and I always yield, the thought grows and grows and there it is, immense, filling me completely and renewing my existence.

—  Nausea, Jean Paul Sartre
Today I can’t look at myself in the mirror,
today I feel as if the world has smothered me in it’s lands and oceans.
Today I recognize space is vast and endless,
it makes me want to live forever and explore the depths.
Today I can’t say a word, I turn away and hide when people ask,
today I feel emptiness and loneliness around my family so I hide away.
Today I explode aggressively,
words flow out of my mouth like lava
and I can’t hold my tongue.
Today everyone asks me why I look so down,
today everyone asks me why I scream instead of speaking.
Today I question why I ever questioned my existence,
I think I’m a beautiful individual
and that I can control the waves if I wanted to.
Today I can’t eat,
today I love my body and stuff my face.
Today I realize I am wasting away,
nothing more than a rotting corpse
so I’ll hide in the sheets of my bed,
I’ll cry out for something.
Today I’m sick and I can’t blame it on the weather,
today I am happy and I’ve never felt better.
—  mixed episodes