im sitting in the dining room in my booty shorts and a big tshirt covered in fake blood and eyeshadow with my hair a mess and drinking diet coke from the bottle and eating froot loops from the box like an animal so of course the universe picks that moment to have my grandpa come home an hour and a half early from work with his cute rookie to look at the boiler

  • Me: *develops crush*
  • Me: ok that's...alright...Ok
  • Me: *crush gets stronger*
  • Me: ...uh
  • Me: *thinks about crush when listening to songs*
  • Me: ...uH
  • Me: *sees things daily that reminds me of crush*
  • Me: no no no nO NO NO NO NO
  • Me: *thinks about holding hands*
I had another Ivar dream...

 I’ve got another one for you @devilrydaily , perhaps you can help me and get a bit of entertainment:

This one was completely different to the last, for one it was in the Viking period. There was a court proceeding that Lagertha was preceding over about some murder.  I was standing in this crowd next to Ubbe. I was a foreign slave or something because I could understand everything but I didn’t want anyone to know I could actually understand their language and lose my perceived stupidity. 

Anyway, the body was found at 6;30 pm with and estimated time of death at 6:15pm and the murderer said, “I was in my house eating dinner with my wife at 6:00 till 7:00 pm” (cause apparently they had watches) and then a woman which I knew was his wife started shouting “It was me I killed him, I will not let my husband suffer for my crime!”  Then I snorted and said “liar,” which I thought was just in my head but it wasn’t and everyone turned around and looked at me and I was like “shit.”

Someone yelled out that the words of a slave meant nothing and everyone started jeering and Ubbe held up his hand to silence everyone.

Ubbe gasped and looked at me,” You can speak our language?”

Hvitserk turned crimson, “Does that mean you understood every word I said at the feast last night?” (I have no Idea what he said but I assume it was something dirty)

Sigurd was like, “You conniving piece of shit, how long have you been able to understand us?”

Ivar was like, “Shut up let her speak, I want to hear why she thinks the wife is lying.”

I swallowed and faced Lageratha and said “The victim was a woman. If the wife did kill someone it was a man because she said ‘I killed him’. I believe she only tried to lie to cover up the fact that her husband wasn’t at dinner with her and was, in fact, fucking and killing my friend.”  (my mind was like “ wow plot twist”)

The hall went dead silent until that asshole began shouting that I was a slave and my opinion didn’t matter.  But, in the end, Lagertha decided that the man was guilty and they chopped his head off. 

 I was then walking home at night when someone pushed me over and jumped on top of me and held a knife to my throat. It was the wife, she said I wasn’t worth shit and she could kill me and no one would care as long as she paid my weregild. I braced myself for death but then Ivar showed up and said, “I doubt very much you could afford the weregild I have for her.”

The wife and I were both like whaaat? Because we both knew I belonged to some other dude.

She said, “Her weregild is not for you to decide.” He did his signature smirk and said,

“Actually it is now that I bought her.” I was like yay I won’t die, then I was like, oh no, shit, Ivar has bought me, crap. Then this fucking woman had the audacity to ask,

“How much is the weregild?” I just looked at her like ‘really bitch? How are you this stupid?’

 But Ivar for once kept his cool and calmly said, “Your life.”  She grumbled and left. Then he smirked at me and said, “Right, now let’s go home and have some fun.“ Then I woke up and nearly screamed.

I have what was meant to be a 600 word character study of Harry Hart on the plane to Cambodia, but what I think may actually be a 600 word prologue to a nice, long, emotionally complicated Hartwin fic.