why must yo be so perfect

If pairs of shinigami and espada had to build a desk together


As requested by anon. :)


Espada and shinigami have been *randomly* paired together, and now they must put together a desk. From Ikea, say. How is that going to go?


1. Komamura & Aaroniero

Komamura: These tiny screws are hard to assemble with my giant paws.

Komamura: Can I see the instruction manual again?

Aaroniero: You know, I am actually the espada with the most potential.

Komamura: Uh

Aaroniero: When I consume things, I get their powers.

Komamura: Okay but

Aaroniero: I just learned something, though.

Aaroniero: Eating Ikea instructions does not grant me the power of Ikea assembly.

Aaroniero: Which seems, just, SO unfair.

Komamura: YOU ATE THE INSTRUCTIONS?!

Aaroniero: Oh sure. Blame me.


2. Nemu & Nel

Nemu: This looks like a job for me and my drill hand.

Nemu: Maybe you should just….what are you doing?

Nel: I’m trying to screw these screws into my thumb!

Nemu: Why?

Nel: Because Nel is a masso-kiss!

Nemu: Yeah I get that.


3. Yamamoto and Yammy

Yamamoto: I don’t think these pegs even fit into these holes.

Yamamoto: What is this human nonsense?

Yammy: Ha! You can’t get the pegs in, huh? Sounds like weakness!

Yammy: I’ll SMASH those pegs in with my FISTS!

Yamamoto:

Yammy:

Yamamoto:

Yammy:

Yamamoto: So now we have desk splinters.

Yammy: That’s what we were trying to make, right?


4. Matsumoto and Starrk

Starrk: Building desks isn’t really my thing. Let’s just forget it.

Matsumoto: Forget it? We can’t do that!

Matsumoto: What we CAN do is get super drunk until my captain comes in, sees what a mess we’ve made, and the builds the desk for us!

Starrk: That does sound better.

Matsumoto: I’ll get the sake!


5. Tosen and Grimmjow

Tosen: Paired with you? An espada who does not understand how to listen to instructions or do anything right? Ridiculous.

Grimmjow: Hey! I’m not exactly grinning with joy either!

Grimmjow: I hate you, I hate instructions, and I hate desks!

Tosen: You hate desks? I do not believe you’ve ever thought about desks long enough to form an opinion.

Grimmjow: I THINK ABOUT DESKS ALL THE TIME

Grimmjow:

Tosen:

Grimmjow: If I help you build this stupid desk will you not tell anyone I said that?

Tosen: Just hand me the box.


6. Rukia and Halibel?

Rukia: Okay, so HOW do I put this peg in?

Halibel: You just push it through.

Rukia: ???

Halibel: Just poke it through.

Rukia: ???

Halibel: Like in this drawing here.

Rukia: ???

Halibel: Do you not understand?

Rukia: It’s like the goddamn juice box all over again.

Rukia (whispering): My old nemesis.

Halibel: …maybe you should just hand me things.


7. Byakuya and Ulquiorra

Ulquiorra: I will read you the instructions. You will assemble the desk.

Byakuya: No. I will read you the instructions. You will assemble the desk.

Ulquiorra: This is not a negotiation. It is an order.

Byakuya: My pride will not allow me to take orders from the likes of you.

Ulquiorra: Then I will force you to build this desk.

Byakuya: Someone at your power will not be able to force me to hammer even a single nail.

Ulquiorra: We will see.

Ichigo: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU BUILD A DESK, GUYS


8. Kyoraku and Zommari

Zommari: …are you napping, using the Ikea box as a pillow?

Kyoraku: Just absorbing the instructions via osmosis!

Zommari: That is not how anything works.

Kyoraku: Really? I thought a guy like you, who likes meditation, would be into this!

Zommari: I am not “into” building a desk with a shinigami, nor of being paired with one who is clearly too lazy to take this seriously.

Kyoraku: Hm. You’re kinda stern like Nanao, but not in any way as cute!

Zommari: I AM NOT TRYING TO BE CUTE


9. Kurotsuchi and Szayel

Szayel: Let’s toss out these instructions and use the ones I developed, which will create a PERFECT desk!

Kurotsuchi: Perfection is not the goal of a scientist.

Kurotsuchi: Let’s make a desk out of zombies just to see what happens.

Szayel: That’s disgusting. I love it.

Szayel: We will make the perfect zombie desk!

Kurotsuchi: I just can’t work with you.


10. Hisagi and Barragan

Barragan: I am the god of Hueco Mundo.

Barragan: Everything I touch turns to nothing.

Barragan: And I am way, way, way, way, way, way too good to be doing that.

Barragan: So have fun with my fracciones.

Ggio: Yo, if you mess this desk up, shinigami, which we are building in honor of His Majesty, I’ll KILL you!

Hisagi: Why must I always suffer


11. Soi Fon and Luppi

Luppi: Look at me build this desk with my eight arms! You can’t even catch up!

Luppi: I just wish I could build EIGHT desks rather than just ONE!

Soi Fon: You are doing literally everything wrong.

Luppi: LIES


12. Ikkaku and Nnoitra

Nnoitra: This desk is weak.

Nnoitra: You’re weak.

Nnoitra: I’m not doing this.

Ikkaku: Okay but consider this.

Ikkaku: Sake. Rock-paper-scissors. Loser has to do part of the desk. Winner gets to high ground to fight after loser has built part of the desk. Fight. Drink. Repeat.

Nnoitra:

Nnoitra: I think I just realized what love feels like.

Ikkaku: Yeah I have that effect on people.