If pairs of shinigami and espada had to build a desk together
As requested by anon. :)
Espada and shinigami have been *randomly* paired together, and now they must put together a desk. From Ikea, say. How is that going to go?
1. Komamura & Aaroniero
Komamura: These tiny screws are hard to assemble with my giant paws.
Komamura: Can I see the instruction manual again?
Aaroniero: You know, I am actually the espada with the most potential.
Aaroniero: When I consume things, I get their powers.
Komamura: Okay but
Aaroniero: I just learned something, though.
Aaroniero: Eating Ikea instructions does not grant me the power of Ikea assembly.
Aaroniero: Which seems, just, SO unfair.
Komamura: YOU ATE THE INSTRUCTIONS?!
Aaroniero: Oh sure. Blame me.
2. Nemu & Nel
Nemu: This looks like a job for me and my drill hand.
Nemu: Maybe you should just….what are you doing?
Nel: I’m trying to screw these screws into my thumb!
Nel: Because Nel is a masso-kiss!
Nemu: Yeah I get that.
3. Yamamoto and Yammy
Yamamoto: I don’t think these pegs even fit into these holes.
Yamamoto: What is this human nonsense?
Yammy: Ha! You can’t get the pegs in, huh? Sounds like weakness!
Yammy: I’ll SMASH those pegs in with my FISTS!
Yamamoto: So now we have desk splinters.
Yammy: That’s what we were trying to make, right?
4. Matsumoto and Starrk
Starrk: Building desks isn’t really my thing. Let’s just forget it.
Matsumoto: Forget it? We can’t do that!
Matsumoto: What we CAN do is get super drunk until my captain comes in, sees what a mess we’ve made, and the builds the desk for us!
Starrk: That does sound better.
Matsumoto: I’ll get the sake!
5. Tosen and Grimmjow
Tosen: Paired with you? An espada who does not understand how to listen to instructions or do anything right? Ridiculous.
Grimmjow: Hey! I’m not exactly grinning with joy either!
Grimmjow: I hate you, I hate instructions, and I hate desks!
Tosen: You hate desks? I do not believe you’ve ever thought about desks long enough to form an opinion.
Grimmjow: I THINK ABOUT DESKS ALL THE TIME
Grimmjow: If I help you build this stupid desk will you not tell anyone I said that?
Tosen: Just hand me the box.
6. Rukia and Halibel?
Rukia: Okay, so HOW do I put this peg in?
Halibel: You just push it through.
Halibel: Just poke it through.
Halibel: Like in this drawing here.
Halibel: Do you not understand?
Rukia: It’s like the goddamn juice box all over again.
Rukia (whispering): My old nemesis.
Halibel: …maybe you should just hand me things.
7. Byakuya and Ulquiorra
Ulquiorra: I will read you the instructions. You will assemble the desk.
Byakuya: No. I will read you the instructions. You will assemble the desk.
Ulquiorra: This is not a negotiation. It is an order.
Byakuya: My pride will not allow me to take orders from the likes of you.
Ulquiorra: Then I will force you to build this desk.
Byakuya: Someone at your power will not be able to force me to hammer even a single nail.
Ulquiorra: We will see.
Ichigo: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU BUILD A DESK, GUYS
8. Kyoraku and Zommari
Zommari: …are you napping, using the Ikea box as a pillow?
Kyoraku: Just absorbing the instructions via osmosis!
Zommari: That is not how anything works.
Kyoraku: Really? I thought a guy like you, who likes meditation, would be into this!
Zommari: I am not “into” building a desk with a shinigami, nor of being paired with one who is clearly too lazy to take this seriously.
Kyoraku: Hm. You’re kinda stern like Nanao, but not in any way as cute!
Zommari: I AM NOT TRYING TO BE CUTE
9. Kurotsuchi and Szayel
Szayel: Let’s toss out these instructions and use the ones I developed, which will create a PERFECT desk!
Kurotsuchi: Perfection is not the goal of a scientist.
Kurotsuchi: Let’s make a desk out of zombies just to see what happens.
Szayel: That’s disgusting. I love it.
Szayel: We will make the perfect zombie desk!
Kurotsuchi: I just can’t work with you.
10. Hisagi and Barragan
Barragan: I am the god of Hueco Mundo.
Barragan: Everything I touch turns to nothing.
Barragan: And I am way, way, way, way, way, way too good to be doing that.
Barragan: So have fun with my fracciones.
Ggio: Yo, if you mess this desk up, shinigami, which we are building in honor of His Majesty, I’ll KILL you!
Hisagi: Why must I always suffer
11. Soi Fon and Luppi
Luppi: Look at me build this desk with my eight arms! You can’t even catch up!
Luppi: I just wish I could build EIGHT desks rather than just ONE!
Soi Fon: You are doing literally everything wrong.
12. Ikkaku and Nnoitra
Nnoitra: This desk is weak.
Nnoitra: You’re weak.
Nnoitra: I’m not doing this.
Ikkaku: Okay but consider this.
Ikkaku: Sake. Rock-paper-scissors. Loser has to do part of the desk. Winner gets to high ground to fight after loser has built part of the desk. Fight. Drink. Repeat.
Nnoitra: I think I just realized what love feels like.
Ikkaku: Yeah I have that effect on people.