I went to my departments quarter outing. I didn’t really have a good time. I was awkward and quiet. The reason I went was because of my co-workers and the majority of them I actually talk to didn’t show up. I should of had a drink (maybe I would of loosen up a bit). I thought this was going to bring me closer to my co-workers and open up but really I think it has set me back. Come Monday everyone is going to talk about how much fun they had and how chelsea (FYI me) sat there and didn’t speak :/
I have been so inactive today because I’ve been hanging out with my family. We like to do that on days when we all aren’t doing anything! Today, we went to watch Liza Soberano’s new movie, My Ex and Why’s. It was absolutely amazing and I think her acting has gotten better. Plus I hated Enrique slightly less. Then we walked around the mall. It was pretty nice. Then we went to the Japanese store and I bought the coolest chopsticks! Plus my sister bought, ‘You Never Walk Alone’ today and I was so hype.
Also it’s J-Hope’s birthday! Well not here yet bc it’s only eleven but STILL. I love my Hobi! He’s such a precious bean.
do you ever think robert lies awake at night, thinking about what he’s done, unable to escape the guilt now that there’s just silence in his ears. does he go back to that day in february, where everything started to spiral, where his tight hold of all those lies began to loosen and slip from between his fingers?
he can probably still smell the dust and old wood up his nostrils, feel the floorboards creaking under the weight of his polished shoes, hear katie’s voice and see her smug smile and then…
i wonder if on those nights he turns to face aaron in their bed, wishing he could wake him and talk through it all, untangle all the knotted memories in his head, but he knows he can’t because he can’t drag aaron back there, not when it almost destroyed him the first time
so what does he do instead? does he just lie there and let himself remember? the moment he pushed katie back, the panic which had swelled inside him because she couldn’t be allowed to leave, and then the paralysing denial which followed when suddenly katie was gone, disappeared through the broken floor, dead.
does he hear her scream when he closes his eyes? see her vacant eyes staring up at him? how does he get back to sleep when he’s got that nightmare playing on a loop?
maybe he just repeats the mantra in his head, the one that’s stopped him going insane thus far
it was an accident… it was an accident… it was an accident…
and maybe he presses his thumb against the bullet wound, till it starts to hurt, and he thinks that he’s been punished already, almost killed for what he did to her, and so he shouldn’t feel guilty now
but he does, and it scares him that he was once so lost in all that fear and anger that he actually did something so terrible. and maybe, in the darkness, and with aaron sleeping softly next to him, he wonders whether he’s managed to put enough distance between then and now, whether he’s done enough good to erase all the bad, whether he’s really escaped that version of himself which continues to haunt him now
i’m not a monster, he thinks, but there’s still a part of him that doubts
Please bear with me. I realise that I haven’t finished fics that I have been reading for ages now and that is because this week and last week I had all my major essays due. My last one is due this Thursday so I will officially be back then. From that point on I have nothing due until my exams which are at the start of June.
I have already pulled 2 all-nighters trying to juggle Tumblr, my social life and my essays and needless to say this is really not the best thing to do.
Thank you for sticking by me and still following me and I can’t wait to be fully back! I miss my Dramione and all you guys! :(
Robert Berens confessed that he had wanted to get in a reference to the film Speed 2: Cruise Control for a long time after The Werther Project, in which he got in his reference to the film in dialogue in addition to having Dean actually fall asleep watching the film. In fact, it’s probable that the name of his earlier episode Alex, Annie, Alexis, Ann is also a reference to the film, the main characters of which are called Annie and Alex. So I’ve been wondering why he would have gone to such lengths just to make a joke.
I don’t know, maybe it’s his favourite film, although I seriously doubt that. But there might also be a didactic aspect to it.
You see, in the film the ship is a metaphor for a relationship – or relationships in general. The ship sets off from the harbour, there’s smooth sailing for a while, then it gets taken over by a madman and almost crashes into a tanker, and when it’s approaching the shore it cannot be stopped, and it mows everything in its past until it comes to a halt by the wedding bells (the ship stops and dings an actual church bell). And so Alex gets Annie, the girl who fears attachment. It’s not an action film with romance, it’s a romantic film that is told through action (and the action is non-stop, hence my earlier musing that Dean must have fallen asleep at the end of the film, because there’s really no other moment at which to fall asleep with this almost peaceful – wistful? – look on his face).
But I would like to think that akin to the purple goo in Fan Fiction that only the one member of the audience saw coming, the reference is also a metaphor for a ‘ship’ in the show.
The ship takes a battering. It really does. It takes so much damage along the way you start to fear it won’t make it to shore. It almost crashes into a tanker just before the end, and only manages to steer clear of it by a hair’s breath. But once it starts nearing the shore, once it begins coming in, nothing can stand in its way. The momentum is unstoppable. People in boats have to jump out of the way or get run through. There’s nothing to be done, the ship is heading for land come hell or high water.
And it does. It lands, and almost capsizes, but miraculously stays in one piece. And the dashing hero gets the love of his life. Robert Berens wants you to know it’s going to be all right.
What Dean fell asleep seeing. And his position kind of mirrors there.