‘Why do Feysand and Rowaelin not get treated exactly the same way in the narrative/look exactly the same/why does Rhys do some things Rowan doesn’t/why is Rowan allowed to do some things that the narrative addresses with Rhys and points out that they’re not good’? repeat forever.
Because there is not one model of a good/healthy relationship. It does not work Feyrhys = healthy; everything else = toxic.
Because women are not carbon copies of one another. We have different tastes. We have different likes. We have different needs in a relationship. We are our own individual people and we need our partners to respond to our personal preferences, likes, and dislikes and not simply have someone behave exactly the same way to every single person they’re with.
Feyre dislikes feeling smothered or not having her full freedom and independence. As such, when the mating bond snaps into place between her and Rhys, Rhys carefully explains to her why he feels protective and territorial and that he is working to stop doing that. Because she has been in an abusive relationship before where someone has done these things to an unhealthy level and is uncomfortable with any minor repetition of them. Rhys addresses her personal concerns and her personal needs and that is why the narrative picks this out and unpicks it and explains it with Rhys but not with Rowan.
Aelin is a completely different character with a completely different backstory, a completely different set of insecurities and a completely different set of needs and Rowan responds to them. Aelin does not have a problem with Rowan being territorial or protective over, not in the way Feyre does. It might be a vague annoyance sometimes (AT THE VERY MOST) and even then she’s dismissive of it and it amuses her and it is never taken too far to the point that it restricts her freedom/the choices she can make/the things that she can do. And she is not in any way triggered by it as she has not experienced the same kind of abuse that Feyre has.
Territorial behaviour of the kind that comes natural to the fae is not in itself abusive/unhealthy. Protectiveness over the people that you care about is not in itself unhealthy/abusive. What would be unhealthy would be to expect men to treat every single woman he meets/is with exactly the same way because it suits one single woman. That is reductive and frankly insulting.
I have no doubt that Rhys would behave differently with Aelin and that Rowan would behave differently with Feyre because they are individual people with individual needs and desires and expecting Aelin to be treated the same as Feyre because this is apparently the only standard of a healthy relationship is frankly a little bit misoygnistic because, shock horror, not all women think the same/feel the same/like/dislike the same things. Isn’t that amazing? It’s as though we’re real people who know what we like and don’t like and expect the people closest to us to respect that and respond accordingly. Incredible.
TL;DR Stop comparing Feyrhys and Rowaelin. Especially if the purpose of this is to say ‘Rhys does x, this is good for Feyre and makes their relationship healthy. Rowan does not do x, therefore this is bad for Aelin and makes their relationship unhealthy’ because, newsflash, that’s not the way it works.
There is no one way to have a good, positive relationship. In fact that thinking in itself is unhealthy. Different people have different needs and their partners should therefore behave differently so suit those needs, not just mirror another’s behaviour because it has been deemed ‘The Most Healthy And Appropriate Way To Behave With Women’. Because. Guess what? Not all women are going to want/respond well to that and you ignoring their needs and wants in order to try and fulfil this idealistic idea of a perfect relationship is not healthy. Rowan is responding to what Aelin personally wants/needs/feels comfortable with. He is not Rhys, he does not behave like Rhys and that is completely okay because Aelin is not Feyre and does not need him to do that for her.