why didnt we see the signs

WITCH AU’S
  • “i cant believe you got us kicked out of another coven, dude, you gotta quit stepping on peoples familiars”
  • “you know, when i signed up for this expedition to finish this spell you didnt say we’d be trecking through the bitter wilderness with candles and creatures chasing us, what the fuck, dude”
  • “im a newbie witch and this is my first ritual and i was all excited to see herbs and salts and boiling cauldrons not tHIS JESUS CHRIST—THATS ALOT OF BLOOD
  • “for the last time, you cant have a tiger as your familiar” 
  • “look theres a reason why we do our rituals in private, things can get out of hand and sometimes we spit up blood, its not like we mean to do it. knock next time.”
  • “and, when that happens dont go around scaring the living shit out of people, jesus stacy, this is why people think we’re satanic”
  • “okay look, im as commitied to this lifestyle as anyone else but do you not see how expensive this shit is? and where the hell am i going to find a sabertooth fang? what, do i have to rob a museum??”
  • “we’re gonna rob a museum. c’mon it’ll be easy, we have our spellbook. we won’t get caught”
  • “so you’re saying you broke into the museum to steal a sabertooth fang and a thigh bone from an extinct bird…for a luck spell?/ yes, officer.”
  • “you hexed me because i made fun of the way you eat so now my tastebuds hate everything i put in my mouth and so I’m either gonna starve or eat this shit you call chocolate, i hate you so much”
  • “youre this sweet looking cutie that i always see walking through the outdoor department looking for flowers, and you always ask if you can check everything out here, which happens to be a lot of bloody meat and candles and knives and….you know my mother always told me the devil would look like an angel”
  • “you convinced me that our last apartment was haunted by throwing drawers open and breaking glasses whenever i came home, but it turns out you just didnt like the neighbors and wanted an excuse to move”
  • “you stumbled across my alter and before i could scare the everliving shit out of you to keep your mouth shut, you turned around, scoffed, and bragged that yours looked so much better”
  • “cmon babe you know i hate it when you tell the future, you stop breathing and you freeze up and your eyes literally roll to the back—STOP IT EW I HATE U SO MUCH––UGH QUIT LAUGHING YOU SHIT”
  • “my dreams…when i see people, it says who they truly are
    • and what does it say about me
      • it says youre a lying bitch for stealing my sandalwood incense from Nepal, stacy, my tarantula saw you come in my room—give it back”