dramatic standoff music plays in background. Screen is dark. A white light
flashes from the left side of the screen to the right with a sharp SHING sound, and the screen turns bright. Eyes open between thick black bars at the
top and bottom of the screen, comic-like.]
Artist: “… we meet again.”
to back of Artist. Artist pans to the right as camera rotates to the left,
revealing the rectangular silhouettes of the opponents. Music intensifies.]
Artist: “My nemeses.”
to Artist’s hand gripping hard on a pencil. Quickly cut to Artist’s mouth
tightening in a grin. Voice low and strained.]
Artist: “Background and Perspective.”
[Dramatically zoom in on the two rectangles that
turn into open PS documents filled with lines and blotches of colour.]
You guys may well think I’m silly for writing this post, but I’m going to anyway. I have thoughts and I need to get them out. I’m a firm believer in writing down your emotions rather than bottling them up.
Anyway. If you’re tired of my complaining about not meeting Jack, then I won’t blame you for scrolling away from this right away. Feel free, or you can carry on reading. But not only am I saying the obstacles that are in my way, I’m also writing exactly why meeting Jack matters so much to me. I’ve broken it down so hopefully it’s easier for you guys to read.
I know I’ve posted about this a billion times before, but I feel the need to do it again. I kind of stop thinking about it, and then something reminds me again. I see gifs from PAX, I read about people meeting him. I’m happy for everyone who does, but I’m reminded that it hasn’t happened to me and maybe never will. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I can’t help it.
Just wait, it will happen, I hear you say. But that’s easier said than done, for a number of reasons. If it was just as simple as being too young to go on my own or whatever, then yes, it would only be a matter of time. But it’s not.
First of all, I can’t afford to go to conventions (particularly so if they are in another country, and I’m yet to find one in the UK that Jack goes to). I currently don’t earn, and even when I do it won’t be much - musicians often don’t earn much at first, and I’m not making anything from YouTube “yet” (I hope I will but it may never take off for all I know. I can’t rely on it).
Then there’s my current mental state. Going to a convention would be difficult thanks to my wonderful social anxiety. Just the thought of the crowds, the people around me while travelling… And I imagine that travelling, and the convention itself, would take a lot of energy - possibly too much for my depression to handle. Maybe I could push through it to meet Jack, but I don’t know; would it be worth risking putting myself under too much pressure?
And that’s not all. Oh yes, there’s more. Getting to another country is difficult for me for another reason. I can’t do it by myself. Yes, I’m 21 years old and I don’t know how to go through an airport by myself. I feel stupid. Not just because I’ve never learnt how, but also I struggle with things like that. I always have. I’m particularly brilliant at getting lost. My anxiety loves it, not.
And there’s more. Since I’ve started watching Jack, I’ve been at university/college so I haven’t had the time to go away to conventions. Once I leave here in a couple of months time (*panics*), I will be focusing a lot on YouTube, and probably having to find a job (yawn). And until I find one and have money, I can’t go even if I have the time.
This may well sound like I’m making excuses, but honestly… I’m really not. I wouldn’t. This is something I need to do in my lifetime, it’s a dream of mine. Jack is my hero. I have no reason to make any excuses. These are all genuine barriers to one of my life goals. Obstacles that feel insurmountable. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to think that I may never meet the person who began to turn my life around. It breaks my heart to think that I may never get to thank him in person for what he’s done. It breaks my heart to think that I may never be able to hug him. He feels like a long distance friend - or even family, if I can say that. Jack means the world to me. More than he’ll ever know - but if I meet him, I can get closer to expressing it than I can from here.
I have thoughts about what I would do if I did meet Jack. I already know that I will make a folder or something of stuff I’ve made for him (fanart, poems, etc) and I’ll give it to him. And, of course, I’ll give him the biggest hugs he’s ever had. I’ll do my best to let him know what he means to me. I’ll tell him about how he’s inspired me and that my YouTube channel is beginning to grow thanks to him giving me the courage to make more videos. I was anxious to go on camera, but he made me brave, and now I love it immensely and want to do it for as long as possible.
Jack is not just a YouTuber to me. He’s been a counsellor when I’ve needed advice and someone to care. Jack has been a friend when I’ve felt alone, believing in me even when I didn’t anymore. He’s been a beautiful green light in the pitch black void of depression and anxiety, the hope I needed when mine was all gone.
He’s been like an annoying older brother who makes stupid jokes to make you laugh - which means even more to me as one of my older brothers, who made me laugh a lot, is no longer with us. He’s been someone to watch playing games now that I can’t watch my brother play them anymore.
He’s been a lullaby when I couldn’t sleep, cradling me with kindness and wrapping me up in smiles and laughter. He’s been a soothing voice amongst the painful noise of life. He’s held my hand when I’ve been hurting, wiping away the tears from my eyes. He’s started to heal the cracks in my heart and mind. When I was starting to lose sight of anything good in life, having less and less reasons to smile, he showed me that things weren’t so bad after all. He taught me to genuinely smile again.
And Jack is the reason why I found this wonderful community, and have made amazing friends who have made me feel cared about. You guys have made me feel less lonely despite the isolation of social anxiety and depression. Without Jack, I probably wouldn’t know any of you exist.
even if he’s part of the maknae line,
you can see how much 17 members rely on him, always checking his
reactions, and expect him to lead everything (and are usually lost if he’s not there)
if no one is saying anything during an
interview, even if he’s not the MC he either leads the members or
starts talking even if it’s nonsense to save the situation
he always tries his best to give good
advices, and more than anything: always encourage people a lot
he’s able to get along with everyone,
even new staff really quickly
he likes to make a lot of jokes, but
he’s always careful of people’s reaction: if it looks like he
said/did something that would make other unconfortable or hurt them
he apologizes right away and try to make them feel better by saying
nice things about them or gives them a hug
he just gives tons of hug to people who
are pouting even a bit, or just tons of hugs in general
he’s just extremely polite and
respectful: like on One Fine Day, when they were given something to
eat after picking bossam in Cheongsando, he was the first one to go
to other workers to feed them
after Mingyu used one the bossam to
stop a fire, he apologized right away with a 90° bow to workers who
gave them bossam
he’s careful of everyone like he tries
to make everyone shine, and he keeps telling fun stories about
members who don’t talk much
he protects his members of any
situation where they could be embarrassed: when people ask Jihoon’s
height, when Jeonghan accidently spat on the floor (and he moved
quickly to hide it with his foot), or when Hoshi was asked if he
changed the choregraphy this week too but he didn’t so Seungkwan
immediately explained how Hoshi had so much work that it was impossible
for him to do so
he’s careful of other members likes and
dislikes, like when a member suggested to cook curry in a cooking
program, he immediately said « no we have a member who doesn’t
like curry » before Woozi even said that he disliked it
he’s extremely observant and can tell when seungcheol is lying, when woozi is embarassed and acting like he’s not, or really pretty much anything about the members
he’s interrested in foreign members’
culture a lot, like he kept saying to Minghao how he wanted to try
chinese food, until Minghao had enough and took him and Jun to a
and he’s always talking in english, and
even try to communicate with foreign fans by using it
he didn’t show much of his japanese
yet, but it seems pretty good since he’s one the of member who says
the longest sentences in japanese
he’s very affectionate with everyone
really and even more to fans: he greets them with the biggest smile
on his face, hands waving really high in the sky, and he just looks so
happy and excited
when he leaves he either greets the
fans the same way, or looks really extremely sadden to leave
he always tries his hardest to
communicate with fans, no matter if they are foreigners or not, he has no
problem trying to use their language, and start asking them questions
about where they are from even if the situation doesn’t really permit
them to talk
so whenever he’s in a situation where
he can’t really talk (like when he was doing Sukira for exemple) he writes on a notebook things he wants to ask to fans
(« are you excited for the comeback? », or after asking
to a foreigner where she’s from: « NY? » to make sure),
saying thank you to fans « thank you for congratulating me for
my graduation♡ », talking about his feelings « i’m
going to sing later, i’m so nervous », « i missed you »
he’s also one of the member who
communicate the most withs fans on SNS
because of Pledis’ rules he sometimes
has to refuse things like taking pictures, or giving people his
signature, and he was said to look extremely sorry and apparently kept apologizing everytime it happened
he always show the same respect to
sunbae groups, no matter if they are a popular or an unpopular group,
he’s admiring all of them and keeps talking about how much he liked
one of their song or enjoyed things they did in the past, etc
he’s like some kind of Jeju ambassador:
never letting anymore makes fun of it, even if playing along with
other people’s jokes would make it easier for him to fit
he has his own insecurities like his
weight or his dancing skills (he used to be considered one of the
worst dancer) and how he’s the one being scold the most during
recording usually, but he never blames anyone joking about his
weight, or people scolding him during dance practice, or during recording. He
just keeps working hard to diet, and improve in any area he’s not
he makes sure the members don’t loose
confidence in themselves, like when seokmin had to show a special
talent on a show but reactions weren’t so good, he took his hand even
if he was really far away from him to show support
he showers members with praises about
anything related to their insecurities: like randomly talking about
how happy he is that seungcheol is the leader, how much he likes
mingyu’s skin color, or how fun joshua is and actually not a boring
person at all…
when Jeonghan joined the group and was
awkward with everyone, Seungkwan was the first one who tried getting
close to him, by doing a lot of silly jokes, and it was never said
but it looks like it took some time for Minghao to become close to
the members, and Seungkwan also seems like one of the first who started
looking out for him
he loves babies and kids so much and if
seungkwan is usually the most professional of the group in any given
situation, kids are an exception for him: he just stops talking about
what he was supposed to talk about and keeps playing with the kid and
talk no-stop about how cute he/she is, or even almost forget about
the « no photo of people without their consent » rule, because
they are so cute to him
he knows every members’ birthday
seungkwan always thought during his
predebut days that he would be the least popular, and his biggest
fear has always been not getting any attention at all, not being
he was said to be a soft-heart boy
since predebut: he cried more than Chan when his father came, also
cried the hardest when samuel’s mother read a letter written for
seventeen’s members, was the only one who cried when he read his
letter for his mother on parent’s day, cried when doing a video
message to his mother on 17project and couldn’t stop crying after
seeing her, cried at the boys wish concert, cried when seventeen won
their first rookie award, and got extremely emotional on his last day
at Sukira with Ryeowook and the rest of the S-line, and on the One
Fine Day when the 3 leaders read their letters
he loves his mom so much and keeps
talking about her no matter what; he even almost gave up on being an
idol because he didn’t want to leave his mom in jeju
he gets anxious really easily, and
sometimes he’s tired but since he’s the moodmaker and has pride on
this title, he doesn’t want to let other people seeing his tired-side
and try to gives energy to people as much as he can no matter what
i have so many things to say but i’ll
stop there, so just remember that seungkwan is a sweetheart and that
he deserves all the love
Snape Appreciation Month Day 14: Favorite Relationship
Snape and McGonagall
I know I know, I’m now going backwards, but it occurred to me today that there’s nothing stopping me from making my own gifs so I thought I’d give it a try. Anyway, my favorite platonic (or not…) relationship is Snape and McGonagall’s friendship. I mean, look at these two. Best friends don’t judge each other, best friends judge other people together, amirite.
No it's fine, they're not my type. Ha. I can appreciate a beautiful person without having to watch their entire back catalogue of work y'know.
You don't have time for this!
Relax, it's just one film.
It's one film now, but then there's the three hours of Google Image Searches afterwards!
Nonsense! I just want to make sure I'm immune.
It's fine. I can look at them and feel nothing.
I feel nothing.
Why have you spent 45 minutes looking at their pictures?
I feel nothing.
You're imagining lazy Sunday morning cuddles with you as the little spoon! This is it. You're gone.
I feel nothing. Maybe I am incapable of love now.
*eyeroll* Batten down the hatches, lads, she's gonna go - in three... two... one...
Here we go!
They really are beautiful! Like oh my god look at them it's like they were carved by angels!!! Oh no no no no no!!! Not this! This can't be happening! Oh no! I thought I was immune! Why you play me this way, Brain?! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE?!?!?
Gladio: Hey, Iggy. Do you know what’s better than sunflowers on a piano? Ignis: …? What? Gladio: Tulips on an organ. Ignis: Hm…okay? Gladio: … Ignis: …
Gladio: :) Ignis: …*gaSPS* Ignis: GODDAMMIT GLADIO