why did you leave me


浜崎あゆみ // A Song for ×× (from BEST of COUNTDOWN LIVE 2006-2007 A)

“Why am I crying?
 Why am I hesitating?
 Why do I stand still?
 Hey, tell me
 From when will I grow up?
 How long can I be a child?
 Where did I come running from?
 Hey, and how far will I run?

 I didn’t have a place to be, I couldn’t find one
 Can I expect something from the future? I don’t know

 I kept being told, “You’re always a strong child”
 I was praised, “It’s admirable that you don’t cry”
 I didn’t wish for a single one of those words
 So I pretended I didn’t understand

 Why am I laughing?
 Why are you by my side?
 Why are you leaving?
 Hey, tell me
 Since when did I get strong?
 Since when did I feel weakness?
 How long should I wait
 For the day we understand each other to come?

 The sun is rising now, isn’t it? I have to go soon
 I cannot stay in the same place forever

 Believing in someone means someday you’ll be betrayed
 I thought it was the same thing as being pushed away
 In those days I didn’t have such strength anywhere
 I’m sure I knew too much about various things

 I kept being told, “You’re always a strong child”
 I was praised, “It’s admirable that you don’t cry”
 The more those around me say it like that
 The more even smiling became agonizing

 I was born alone; I’ll live alone
 I thought that every day like that was normal.”

Falling in love with you was a lot like getting drunk. It all happened so fast; I had no idea what I was doing at the time or what the consequences would be. All I wanted was to feel good. And, God, it felt so good. Of course, things got out of hand before I could stop myself. I wanted more and more of you, just like I always want more alcohol. But alcohol isn’t always enough to make you happy. And more often than not, the effects of it have you lying face-down on the pavement. Just like love. Now, I’d like to think of myself as hungover. Not because I fell out of love with you, no. But because I still have some alcohol, some of you, left in me. And I feel ruined because of it. I feel like vomiting all the time, and I have a massive, eternal headache. The difference between this feeling and an actual, legitimate hangover is that I think I’ll be feeling this way for a long, long time.

I’m hungover you, but I’ll never be over you.

—  Drunk at 12:06 AM
You said that you’d never hurt me.
You said that you’d never fall for another.
You said that you’d never leave.
You said that you’d always be there.
But, where were you? Where were you when I was sobbing in the dark with my wrists stained red?
—  You said that you loved me too but I guess that was a lie
It’s been 5 months and my chest is still just as heavy as the day you left.
I wish I’d kissed you, I miss you. I miss you next to me, I miss how it felt holding you in my arms. You were toxic but I miss you. You left, and im glad you’re happy but I wish it was with me. I wish you were with me.