When making your brother an ARMY backfires …
Me: Mom, after the divorce, when you leave Dad, you don’t plan on staying single forever, do you?
Mom: I’ve never thought about it, why?
Me: Well, there’s this guy. A Korean guy.
Mom: A Korean guy?
Me: Yeah, can I set you up with him?
Mom: Uh, how on Earth did you get in contact with a Korean man? We live in South-Asia.
Me: I have my ways.
Mom: I need details.
Me: Well, he’s 45 years old, you’re 40. It could work out.
Me: Bang Shi Hyuk.
Mom: Anything else? Has he been married before?
Me: Nope. He has seven sons, though.
Mom: S-SEVEN SONS? HOW DID HE END UP WITH SO MANY? THATS LIKE A WOLF PACK!
Me: No, they’re all older than me. And very well-behaved, too. Like they’ll take care of you. Not the other way around.
My brother *walking into the room*: One of them wrote a song with the lyrics, ‘I’m a master, baby, with your bra.’
Mom: WHAT? THAT’S HORRIBLE!
My brother: And if you think they’re brothers, it’s anything but that. Incest left and right.
Mom: What kind of nonsense-
My brother: Oh and one wants to be Sex Porn Star.
Me *shoving hand over my asshole of a brother’s mouth* It’s not like that. They’re really nice. They do their homework-
My brother: Their youngest failed his English exam.
Me: They’re modest-
My brother: Their computers get invested with viruses because they watch too much porn.
Me: They go to bed on time-
My brother: Two of them play videogames until five in the morning.
Me: They’re down to earth.
My brother: Their eldest thinks he’s worldwide handsome and once said his own mother cried when he was born because she could never be as beautiful as him.
Me: They’ll help you with the house chores-
My brother: One of them said he wants to be a rock in his next life so he could sleep and not do work.
Me: They’re very quiet and not noisy like-
My brother: They scream on the top of their lungs when they’re excited no matter what the setting.
Me: They’re super smart-
My brother: Once, during this interview, they were asked what their favourite American food was and one of them said Sprite. No joke.
Me: They dress well-
My brother: Did I mention this really short one stripped down at an award show to flash his abs?
Me: Mom, don’t listen to him! You’ll inherit a company-
My brother *snorting*: Yeah, a company that doesn’t equally distribute lines.
Mom: Get out of my room.
Mom: Get out of my room, right now.