Always You // Ashton Irwin
A/N: First, some warnings. 1) This was written in a delirious state at 1:30 am and an annoyed state in the day following 2) I have no idea, what I’ve done. It’s probably shit. I’m so sorry. 3) I think I’ve used “oddly” an “rather” more than I should have 4) I call Luke a bread stick…. Now that, that’s out of the way… Enjoy, I guess? I don’t know if it’s good enough, but I tried my best. I think it’s a little but different from the request, just a teeny bit. My best friend proof read this for me (thanks I would die without you). If there are more typos, then apologies. It’s not my best work. Anyway, have a great day/night! xx
The five of you had arrived at the venue two hours or so prior to the show. You had arrived at the hotel you were staying at a couple of hours ago, giving the boys just enough time to relax before their performance. You were now in the dressing room, playing FIFA.
You were squished in between Luke and Ashton on the couch while Calum and Michael sat at the foot of it. You and Michel were currently engrossed in a very intense match of FIFA. The two of you had your eyes glued to the screen, hands occupied by the controller.
“You’re never going to win Y/N. Just give up and save yourself the humiliation,” Michael taunted, controlling his player expertly.
You scowled at the back of his head, before turning your attention back to the screen, pressing buttons to guide your players. You’d played with the boys before. You weren’t half bad at the game. But you were yet to beat Michael- the dude was like the king of the game.
Both of you were fully devoted to the game, but with the press of buttons and experience from over the years, Michael had scored the winning goal.
“No!” You whined, tossing the controller on the floor as you cuddled into your best friend’s side. “I know you rigged the game.”
Your friends laughed at your antics. You grabbed a handful of pop corn and chucked them at Michael. Luke laughed, wrapping an arm around you. “Aww, don’t be such a sour loser.”
You playfully punched him in the torso before nuzzling closer into him, unaware of your boyfriend frowning on the other side of you.
Now Ashton’s never had a problem with your relationship and physical affection with the other boys. He didn’t mind the affection you showered them with. He didn’t mind the occasional hugs and cuddles you gave the boys when one of them had had a rough day. But recently, your physical interactions with Luke had bugged him more than it should. He felt oddly ignored and insecure during moments like these, when you chose to curl up into Luke rather than him. He shouldn’t feel this jealous, this angry. You were his girlfriend. Not Luke’s. You loved him. Not Luke… Right? You guys were just best friends… Right?
Your giggles at something Luke had said pulled him out of his reverie. Doubts were creeping into Ashton’s head, insecurities bubbling up. He got up, suddenly, causing you all to look up at him. He looked rather grim, the smile on his face a minute ago- not there.
“You alright, Ash?” You questioned, looking up at him.
He nodded distractedly, eyebrows furrowed as he looked around. Grabbing his hoodie, he headed to the door. “I’m going out for some fresh air. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Want me to come along?” You asked, siting up, peering at his disappearing figure.
“Uh, no. I’ll be alright. Stay with the guys if you want to.”
“Alright,” you answered, shrugging off his changed mood as pre-show nerves.
Half of him wanted to be left alone for a while, but the other half of him wanted you to come along. But as Ashton went out and stood at the door to put on his hoodie, he heard you laugh at a stupid joke Luke had cracked and he was off, biting his lips in sadness and frustration.
Ashton’s short walk had turned into a long one around the venue. He had stopped by to click some pictures with the fans that had found him and had lay in the soft grass for some while before finally deciding to return. He was in a slightly better mood. He was heading to the dressing room to get ready since soundcheck was only in a bit. Calum and Michael passed him as he walked towards the room asking him to “hurry the fuck up” and he sped up.
The door of the room was open a creak, light from the hallway slipping in too. As Ashton reached the room, he stopped when he heard voices. He peeked in through the sliver. He didn’t know what to feel as he saw you and Luke standing very, very close together before you moved away, smiling. With the seeds of doubt already planted in his head, he assumed the worst. Should he feel hurt? Angry? Both? He moved away from the door when tears pooled in his eyes but he wiped them before they could drip down his cheeks.
He slammed the door open, glaring at the two of you before yanking his hoodie off. He walked past the two of you, ignoring your questions as to where he had been. He pulled off his shirt and put on a slightly less warmer tank top.
You stepped closer to him, standing on your tip toes to give him a peck. Though right when your lips were about to touch his, he turned away and your puckered flesh met his cheeks. You frowned, confused. Before you could ask him what was wrong, he turned to Luke and rather hatefully spat out- “We’re getting late.” And then he was gone.
Through out the show Ashton had been very aggressive. He broke his drum once and his drumsticks twice. He also hadn’t conversed with the fans as much as he usually did. Every smile you’d sent his way through the side of the stage where you weren’t visible was returned with a scowl or a glare.
When the show and the meet and greet was over and the guys were heading to freshen up, you tried to block Ashton’s path. “Hey, whats wrong seriously?”
“Move Y/N. I’m really sweaty. I need a shower.” He said, not looking at you.
‘Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” you answered.
“Y/N…” He warned.
“What’s wrong?” You repeated adamantly.
Rather unexpectedly, Ashton burst out. “Y/N, I said move. Stop annoying the crap out of me.”
You stepped back, surprised by his outburst. His yell earned the two of you looks from the crew and the others. Ashton sighed, rubbing his temples with his thumb and forefinger. His voice cracked and came out raspy,”Let me just go, Y/N.”
Hearing the waver in voice, you immediately stepped aside, letting him pass. You looked at him as he weaved his way through the crowd of people backstage, wondering all the while what had gone wrong. What had you done? What had you done that you made him cry?
You guy were sitting in Calum’s room having dinner out of take out boxes when you were back from the venue, the work for the day done. Despite the conversations Luke, Calum and Michael made, an awkward silence hung in the room. Michael kept sneaking glances, eyes flitting between you and Ashton. Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he spoke up. “Alright, what’s wrong?”
Ashton looked up at him from his box.”What?”
“What?” Calum snickered tauntingly. “What as in why aren’t you both all over each other? You’re literally on top of each other after shows. I don’t know how you do it, he’s so fucking sweaty.”
“Well, I assumed she’d rather enjoy some time with other people,” Ashton sneered.
You turned to him, eyebrows drawing into a scowl. “What do you mean I’d en-”
“I’m going to bed,” he cut you off, shutting his box and placing it back on the table, food still unfinished. He got up to leave.
“No, you’re not,” you said. Your eyes followed his moments, as he shuffled around, grabbing his jacket, his phone and his room key. You got up from your seat as well “Ashton, stop being so fucking cryptic. Just spit it out!”
Ignoring you, yet again, he walked out slamming the door at your face. You gritted your teeth, eyes burning as tears filled your eyes this time.
“Uh… Did something happen between you two?” Luke asked.
You turned to him, glaring. “I don’t know, Luke. Does it look like something’s happened?” You hissed, sarcastically.
Luke cowered back, shooting you an apologetic look.
You sighed, muttering a sorry. You began to pace by the door, lips drawn between your teeth and panic flooding through your system.
“Did I do something wrong you guys?” You asked worriedly, running your hands through your. “Did I say something? Why is he so pissed off at me? Is he going to bre-”
“For the love of god, Y/N, can you please breathe for a minute?” Luke said, coming to stand beside you. He put his hands on your shoulders giving you a shake before he continued. “Go talk to him. That’s it.”
“If you haven’t noticed, he’s ignoring me.” You pointed out the obvious. “He won’t listen to me.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “Then force him to talk. Listen, if he doesn’t talk to you we’ll talk to him.”
“Yeah,” Michael piped in. “And if that doesn’t work we’ll take you to a relationship therapist.”
Calum made a face at Michael, before turning to you. “We won’t because it won’t come to it. Just go talk to him. You’ve talked through your problems before.”
“Right. Yes, I can do this.” You repeated, sucking in a breath before letting it out.
Luke gave your shoulders a squeeze as you walked out towards the room you were supposed to share with Ashton. The door of the other room shut behind you.
You were oddly nervous. Sure, you had had your fair shares of arguments with him but he’d never been this mad at you. You’d never made him cry.
You knocked on the door of the room twice, eyes focused on the carpeted hallway. “Ashton? Open up, please.” You said, softly knowing that he was listening.
He didn’t reply. Neither did he come to unlock the door, despite all the moving you could hear him doing inside. “Ash, babe, please.”
“You know I’m sharing a room with you any way, so you have to let me in anyway.”
You heard the lock turn, and his face popped into view. “Really? Because I thought you’d rather sleep with Luke.”
You frowned. “Why would I want to sleep with Luke?”
“I don’t know. You had no problem kissing him today.”
Your jaw went slack and a look of pure confusion overtook your face. “What the fuck are you on about? When did I kiss Luke?”
He was about to shut the door again, but you put your foot in between, wincing at the pressure. He was shutting you out again, quite literally as well as emotionally. You pushed on the door, slipping in and past him.
“No, we are talking about this.” You said, enunciating each word. You slammed the door behind you, crossing your hands in front of your chest.
“There’s nothing to-”
“Cut the shit Ashton!” You yelled, frustratedly. “You’re literally accusing me of cheating! That too with Luke! Your band mate!”
“Well didn’t you?” He screamed right back. His eyes had turned a shade darker, his jaw was gritted and hands clenched into fists.
“When the hell did you see me kissing him? Because I clearly don’t remember doing so, ever. So if you can jog my memory it would be really helpful.” You spat, moving inside.
Ashton followed you. “I saw you… And him. In the dressing room. You were standing so cl- close to him and you were smiling. And-”
You scoffed. “And you assumed I cheated on you with one of your best friends. That’s what you think of me, Ashton? That’s what you think of your girlfriend?”
“Why wouldn’t I, Y/N?” Ashton whimpered. When you looked up at him his orbs were filled with tears again. He plopped on the bed, dropping his head into his palms. “I mean you’re always so close with him. You’re always with him.”
“No. Please, let me finish,” he sniffed, wiping the tears that had spilled. “You always choose to be with him. You choose to sit next to him even when I’m there. You choose to cuddle into him, you choose to joke around with him, you choose to make fun of him. Not me. You choose to talk to him when you’re upset. You choose to go have fun with him. Not me. It’s like you- It’s like you choose to love him. And not me. Not me.”
By now Ashton was sobbing, and tears were rolling down your cheeks too.
“But- I don’t blame you. You’ve known him your entire life. He’s talented- plays mean tunes on that guitar. he’s good looking. He’s charming. He’s everything I am not and more. Maybe I’m just not enough to deserve you. Maybe I’m not as good to deserve your love. Maybe I was stupid enough to try in the first place. Maybe I am not good enough.”
You shook your head, sitting beside him, the mattress bending under your weight as you sat down. You reached out to grab his hand but he pulled away. So you scooted closer, wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders. “No. No. You listen to me, alright? Listen to me carefully, okay?”
You pressed your lips to the side of his forehead, holding his shaking body as close as you could. You moved your face closer to his ear. “I love you. I fucking love you. No, I didn’t kiss Luke. I can’t ever kiss anyone ever, but you. I will only ever want to kiss you. I only want to feel your lips against mine, okay? And I will never in a million years leave you, or stop loving you. And you deserve me. You probably deserve better than me. Not someone who doesn’t give you attention. But I’m sorry. i didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you. I will always want to cuddle you, or laugh with you or have the time of my life with you. And I will be selfish, because although you deserve better, I want you all to myself.”
You grabbed his face in your palms, turning it towards you. You looked into his green eyes, red and glazed. “And I love you more than any thing in this whole damn world. I love you because you make feel more wanted than anyone ever has and ever could. I love you because you put the stars in my fucking sky. I love you because you look at me and all I see is love.”
You leaned your forehead against his. “I love you because you listen to me ramble about the most boring things.” You kissed his left cheek. “I love you because you laugh at all my bad jokes.” A peck on his right cheek. “I love you because you let me steal all your shirts and hoodies.” On his nose. “I love you because you let me play your drums and you play them better than anyone ever can. And I love that.” On the corner of his lips. “I love you because you hold me like we’r in our own world, like everything will always be okay.” On the other corner of his lips. “I love you because you’re Ashton Fletcher Irwin and I wouldn’t ever want to love anyone else.”
You pressed your lips against his softly. At first he didn’t move- the two of you felt everything, every crease, every torn skin of your lip brushing against the other’s. And then he turned his body to face you completely, a hand grabbing your waist while the other went into your hair. His eyes were closed, forehead still against yours ass he pushed you into the mattress. “You love me, right? Not Luke?”
“Not Luke, that dude looks like a fucking bread stick.” You smiled, fingers grazing his jaw, up and down. “Only you. Always you.”
Ashton giggled and then asked. “You never kissed him?”
You shook your head as much as you could in his grip. “Never had and never will. No one but you.”
He moved his face, lips brushing lightly against yours. “And you’ll always love me?”
“Always and forever.” You answered.
“You promise?” he asked.
You chuckled. “Yes, you adorable noob. Now shut up and kiss me.”