why can't text and i be friends


johnny: *holds phone in hand* “where’s my phone?”

taeyong: “stay sexy, don’t get murdered!”


haechan: “the more you attack me the more memes you are going to receive, bitch”

mark: *sneezes* *looks off into the distance* “are potatoes vegetables?”

jaehyun: “i’m hungry”

yuta: “hi hungry, i’m dad”

doyoung: “what if crying was like peeing your eyes… because you pee your pants, why can’t you pee your eyes?”

taeil: “i just found out that coconut oil is really good for cleaning your teeth.”

  • Me: *sigh*
  • Cashier: What's wrong?
  • Me: It's the scent of this place. It's nostalgic. Reminds me of lavender scent of my grandmother's house. Even color of the walls remind me of the bygone era of my childhood; the dim sunsets of a fuzzy summer evenings, and faint memory of fading dreams.
  • Cashier: Ah, you want to start all over do you? I know the feeling. It's enough to drive me to the brink.
  • Me: Verily. At some point, I began to live my life in retrospect. The now doesn't matter anymore because everything has become so bland. What am I to do in this monotonous life when my happy times passed so long ago. It's as if-
  • Cashier: *turns into a 9 foot tall vibrating metal cube that deconstructs me at a molecular level and turns me into pure radium powder*
  • Guy, with that as fetish who actually wrote this post: *doesn't even jack it just looks at the screen all sweaty and breathing heavily*
  • Girlfriend: *walks into the room unannounced* Everything okay? You've been acting kind of strange recently.
  • Guy: *quickly closes all tabs* Oh, nothing. I'm just like. I'm... you know. I've been tired.
  • Girlfriend: *suspiciously* ...sure. Pizza's here by the way.
  • Guy: Okay, cool. I'll be right out. *wipes sweat from head*
  • Girlfriend: *texts best friend* He's definitely cheating. He just closed like twenty tabs on his computer!!!!!!!
  • Best Friend: Did you look through his browsing history?
  • Girlfriend: Yeah, it's all wikipedia pages about radioactive stuff. It's so fucking weird. He's either cheating or a terrorist.
  • Best Friend: That's creepy. I'd break up with him.
  • Girlfriend: I've been considering it, but it's complicated. I still feel so strongly about him. I don't want to ruin our relationship.
  • Best Friend: Sometimes you have to break things off with the people you care about the most. For a little bit anyway.
  • Girlfriend: Yeah, I get that. It's so hard though. I can't imagine life without him.
  • Best Friend: You have to do what you have to do. It's the only way to move forward. Getting stuck in a stagnant relationship can ruin you.
  • Girlfriend: I guess you're right...
  • Best Friend: *is wearing a full hazmat suit.*
  • Doctor: *walks up behind her* Jennifer, stop texting. We need you in the bottom.
  • Best Friend: Sorry, got it.
  • Best Friend: *descends in elevator, sees 9 foot tall humanoid ant corpse on the ground* Fucking gross! Do you know where it came from.
  • Doctor: No clue. It's why we called you here.
  • Best Friend: This isn't like any cryptid I've ever seen. It must be extraterrestrial in origin. Wait... is its body full of gummy worms? *hears the sound of the elevator going up behind her*
  • Best Friend: Doctor! Where are you going!? What the fuck!?
  • Doctor: Waves to her from the elevator.
  • Ant Humanoids: *appear from the shadows in the hundreds*
  • Best Friend: No, no, no, no! This can't be happening.
  • Ant Humanoids: *surround her*
  • Best Friend: Don't fucking come near me! I'm highly radioactive! You'll all die if you eat me.
  • Ant Humanoid in the back: *listening to comic book podcast*
  • Podcast Guy 1: So when it comes to Superman, I feel like there are actually two characters. Clark Kent, the man. Then there's Superman, the ideal. They're the same person but represent very different aspects of him.
  • Podcast Guy 2: Comic books are fucking stupid, my dude. *cellphone buzzes* Hold up, I gotta take this.
  • Podcast Guy 2: *gets an alert that his favorite fetish forum has updated, licks lips fuckingly*
  • Podcast Guy 2: *under breath* Oh yeah. A new radium dust sexual fanfic. Can't wait to tweak my noodle to this! Zoo wee mama!
  • Podcast Guy 1: What did you just say.
  • Podcast Guy 2: Nothing, man. We were talking about Superman. Let's continue with that.
  • Podcast Guy 1: Yeah, as I was saying. Superman would definitely be a power bottom and
BTS as things my friends have said (part 4)
  • Seokjin: WHY IS THE FRIDGE EMPTY?! WHO ATE ALL THE - oh wait it was me, wasn't it
  • Yoongi: *sends text* can't talk right now - I'm asleep
  • Hoseok: Guys there's something CRAWLING ON MY LEG GET IT OFF ME BURN IT KILL IT NOW!
  • Namjoon: Oh, hi. We were just talking about the meaning of life
  • Taehyung: *dancing to no music* This is my jam!!
  • Jimin: NO I AM NOT CUTE. *blushes* seriously, I'm grown up and mature. *hugs teddy bear*
  • Jungkook: for a minute there, I thought there was someone else in the room with us, but it's just me in the mirror
you’re the kind of person who says sorry

when they don’t mean sorry.
you just want me to stop having feelings
so you don’t have to think about what you did wrong.

you don’t even fucking listen to me when i speak

so i’m done speaking.

i hate you so much. there’s no way

hatred isn’t this feeling. my blood is boiling.

you’re still choosing her over me,

even as friends.
you don’t deserve my friendship.

you never did.

i write a poem about me leaving you

and you see it so you text me.
i don’t answer because i fucking hate you

but i feel guilty about it the entire day.


you text me again. you say “hey.”

you tell me you saw my snapchat story

and you hope i’m having fun. you ask me

how school’s going. you’re so good

at pretending you care. you’re so good at it,

i believe you.


i always give in.

i always text you back eventually.

and you’re so fucking nice to me,
i forget about all of the things you did wrong.

all of the lies. the times

you were threading your hands in her hair

when i was breaking down.


why can’t you make this easy?

why can’t you fucking leave?


the worst kind of cultural differences are polite kissing differences…. they make everything awkward… 

when you kiss with one cheek but they’re european so they go for the double kiss and you leave them hanging awkwardly… when they’re from somewhere that does three kisses and it’S FUCKING WEIRD WHY THREE, when they’re from somewhere in i think northern south america? where they actually put their lips on your cheek and you’re left feeling gross like why did u do that that’s wet and disgusting… when they’re from somewhere where they don’t kiss at all and you go for it and they kinda jump back and it’s awkward af….the worst…

Bts as shit me & my friends said over text
  • Kim Seokjin: when I die, I want my gravestone to be pink ft glitter. I want it to fucking g l o w within a miles radius
  • Min Yoongi: sleep is a skill bitch, put that in my resume and watch
  • Jung Hoseok: I keep saying "my breasts are like muffins" when i sing that Shakira song 'Whenever Wherever'
  • Kim Namjoon: math is such a bitch like they've got everyone solving their problems why can't I have my own personal helper?
  • Park Jimin: my dreams are either about wild sex or murder so... can't relate to fluff
  • Kim Taehyung: can someone tell my fucking teacher that writing 'orange peels' on my test is a perfect substitute for longitude JFC
  • Jeon Jungkook: at this point I should just fuck myself because I'm that good in bed

What’s with this one? She sings to herself. No one knows why.

  • Yunhyeong: June, can you help me?
  • June: What's up?
  • Yun: I forgot to get Hanbin a birthday present. Do you have anything I could pass off as a gift?
  • June: Uh...What about this? *tosses him a toy rocket*
  • Yun: That's perfect, thanks!
  • Yun: *looks at toy* Wait I can't give him this.
  • June: Why not?
  • Yun: Because it says "Captain June" on one side.
  • Yun: And "I hate Hanbin" on the other.
  • friend: are you okay?
  • me in the inside: is that even a question?? no I'm not fucking okay. you wanna know why? because the one and only lee chan is graduating today. he's growing up so fast. our little maknae is growing up. my heart can't take this anymore. literally. his graduation pictures looks so good have you even seen????
  • me on the outside: yeah I'm fine :)
an extensive prompt masterlist pt. 2
  • "Are we really just friends, then?"
  • "Do you want me to leave?"
  • "I can't believe you!"
  • "I swear it won't happen again."
  • "What did you say?"
  • "I'm not jealous, why would you say that?"
  • "Why are you smiling so much today?"
  • "You're jealous, aren't you?"
  • "They were just a friend, okay? Nothing more."
  • "When you said you loved me, I thought it was going to be forever."
  • "I'm sorry I called you at 3AM. I needed you."
  • "Maybe I was wrong. I don't need you in my life."
  • "We can't keep doing this."
  • "I don't want to be your secret, anymore."
  • "I have the right to know what's going on!"
  • "The police are coming."
  • "I might have had a few shots."
  • "Are you sure this is legal?"
  • "Isn't this amazing?"
  • "I'm going to take care of you, okay?"
  • "I don't need your sympathy."
  • "I'll miss you when you leave."
  • "You have to believe me."
  • "I'm a monster."
  • "You shouldn't love me."
  • "Stay the night. Please."
  • "You can't die. Please don't die."
  • "Run away with me."
  • "It's about the baby. It's yours."
  • "I wish this could last forever, don't you?"
  • ❤: the morning after.
  • ♛: my muse finds your muse after they ran away.
  • ✎: a journal entry about your muse written by my muse.
  • ▲: my muse is dying in your muse's arms.
  • ▼: your muse is dying in my muse's arms.
  • ★: our muses go stargazing.
  • ✌: our muses spending christmas together.
  • ☯: our muses share a new years' kiss.
  • ✿: my muse gives yours a gift.
  • ☠: your muse comes back to my muse's doorstep 5 years after their death was announced.
  • ♒: our muses spend a day at the beach.
  • ➳: your muse says their first "i love you" to my muse.
  • ☁: my muse says their first "i love you" to your muse.
  • ☏: my muse's voicemail to your muse after a huge fight.
  • 💍: our muse's wedding day.
  • [text]: What do you want now?
  • [text]: So that wasn't you leaving the bar with another person?
  • [text]: Goodnight, I love you.
  • [text]: This is why you're my best friend.
  • [text]: Help, I'm lost.
  • [text]: Do you want to bet on that?
  • [text]: I miss you so much, you have no idea.
  • [text]: Guess who just got back in town.
  • [text]: So I might be in a hospital right now.
  • [text]: So... I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend.
  • [text]: We're breaking up.
  • [text]: We can't keep doing this anymore!
  • [text]: Come on, come to the party!
  • [text]: Can you pick me up from the bar? Too drunk to drive.
  • [text]: You have no clue how I feel so shut up.
  • [text]: I can't believe I wasted my first kiss on you.
  • [text]: I overheard what you said. I didn't know that's what you thought of me.
  • [text]: I call bullshit.
  • [text]: You thought you could get away with that, didn't you?
  • [text]: There's nothing you can do to get me back.
BTS as things my friend has said
  • Jin: *eating hot food* this is so hot... just like me
  • Namjoon: I nearly got into an accident today and my heart was beating so fast like wow no boy has ever made me feel this way before
  • Yoongi: My morals have been compromised since September 2014
  • Jimin: Why should he wife me? I'm the one who's going to husband him
  • Taehyung: Do you ever wonder what would happen if car tire screeching noises sounded like dog barks instead?
  • Jungkook: *looking at Jimin* You know when a hot boy comes up and tells you how to do something? And you're just like... how about I do you 👀
  • Hoseok: Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito, nos vamos pegando, poquito a poquito
i am not really sure if we have something, but i hope we have because ugh i am getting emotions about you
Yang hanging with Jaune too much
  • Yang and jaune playing video games:
  • Weiss walking in the room: ugh gosh darn it don't waste your time flirting with me today vomit boy
  • Jaune: good thing i got rid of all my watches because when i hang with yang i ain't got time for that
  • Yang: wait did you just pun?
  • Jaune: did you not see it coming
  • Yang: not really
  • Jaune: then it must be out focus
  • Yang: i should stand up because I don't want to lie that was good this isn't even i our album
  • Jaune: i know but its the best of our throwaways
  • Yang: well we should go into basketball because when we shoot them they go in
  • Yang and jaune fist bump:
  • Weiss: anyway guys why don't you guys ever call me to hang out
  • Yang: talk to him
  • Jaune: well when I text you don't even reply
  • Yang: yea if you want to hang with me and my guy best friend you have to set up a time and date
  • Weiss: why i actually live in this room
  • Jaune: don't you know you always have to prepare for a snow day
  • Yang and jaune putting sun glasses:
  • Yang: that is sort of mean dude
  • Jaune: hey your not a angel either
  • Yang: that's not my fault i can't even fly
  • Ruby: that's it i need some air
  • Weiss: me too
  • Yang: wow there is alot of shade coming at us
  • Jaune: i wonder who love throwing it the most
  • Jaune: hey yang
  • Yang: yea?
  • Jaune: if we are clowns i love hanging with you in this cirque du soleil
  • Yang blushes: me too thanks for being my dude best friend
  • Yang and jaune fist bump:
That Awkward Moment
  • Friend: *Leaves on read for 5 minutes*
  • Friend: *Comes back with TodoMomo pics*
  • Also Me: *Cries internally because you know it really isn't gonna be canon* wHY CAN'T YOU LET MY LIL GAY HEART BE HAPPY AND DELUSIONAL.