A Heart in two (KaiSoo)
Again. It’s ringing again. He tried calling me again. I didn’t count but I think it was already more than twenty times but I didn’t pick up the phone once. Why? Because I know what will happen. He will end it completly. Why I am so sure about this? It’s because I fucked up big time, I did something you can’t just look over and say nothing happend. I lost him through my own dumb actions. Nobody should be treated like that. Nobody should experience this pain. I didn’t have a reason to just straight up ignore him and hide everything we have or had. He probably felt that I didn’t love him at all. Yes I wanted to hide our relationship because some might think it is wrong. That wasn’t even the painful part. I left him alone just because my brother found out. Because he said I shouldn’t date him. That nobody will accept us. At first I didn’t care, all that mattered to me was that I love him and nothing can break this but when he threatened to hurt Jongin I couldn’t do anything than to him. I can’t let anything happen to the person I love the most. He means everything to me. And because of that I left him alone. Broke all contact we had just like that and with that I broke his heart and mine. The moment I said it was over I literally heard my heart shatter and his sobs didn’t make it any better, so I just hung up the phone and changed numbers. He somehow still got my new number and is texting and calling me nonstop. I didn’t pick up one call or read one text. If I did I would just break even more. I am broken. Really broken. I don’t even know how I am anymore. It feels like I’m just an empty shell that somehow tries to survive even if it has no reason to live anymore. The only reason I keep on this painful life is him. He’s my only reason. He’s my only one. I hope he moved on and lives his life. Without me. Without a burden that stops him from living freely. Yeah right I’m just a burden nothing more. It’s not easy being in love. Two hearts unit to one. Both want to love the other and also want to be loved back or else it wouldn’t make sense. It would just be a one sided love. Unrequited love. But sometimes one wants more of this love or expects more love. It’s basically like you have one heart for two people and the other wants more than a half of this. If both want this it is not possible. It leads to complications. To problems. What these problems are can differentiate from couple to couple. Our problems lead us to a breakup. Unwanted by both. And this breakup lead to two broken hearts. One surely can’t be healed again no matter how hard they try and with the other heart I don’t know. I really hope he can fix his broken heart. He deserves it, he deserves everything good actually. And I. I deserve everything bad there is. Funny how I’m still not dead. Should I try? Is it worth it? Probably. But still, something holds me back from attempting suicide. Two weeks. It was two weeks since all this happened. It seems like a short time but it isn’t. Two weeks of plain torture felt like months. My brother won’t leave me alone. He says I did the right thing. Yeah sure the right thing. So me being broken is right? Probably. The days dragged on slowly. In these days I tried to at least do something. So this is the day were I will finally go out again. Not really to interact with anyone but to just get out of this suffocating house I once called home. It really isn’t anymore. So as I was outside I listened to some music. “Avere un cuore in due non è facile” It was a song I recently listened to and it fits so well to all what happened the last few weeks. As I walked I didn’t look at my surroundings at all. So as I crossed the road the car that was heading towards me did go unnotices until it hit me. I didn’t scream. I didn’t even feel the pain. I was too shocked. Shocked that I just got hit by a car. Shocked that under the bystanders was him. His eyes went wide. I saw his mouth open and close but heard no sounds. As I hit the road evrything seemed to go in slow motion. He came running to me. Holding me in his arms while crying and everything that left his mouth was a garbled mess through tears and the fact that I really didn’t hear that much of what surrounded me. Surrounded us. Someone probably called an ambulance because a few minutes later I was brought to a hospital by one. Jongin begged to drive with the ambulance. To be with me. If I could I would have smiled but even this was to painful right now. When was the last time I smiled? I don’t know anymore. So as I was in the ambulance Jongin finally got them to let him drive with me. This whole drive he held my hand and cried, telling me to stay awake. To stay with him forever. I just looked at him. No sound leaving me. Everything that happened afterwards seemed to go really fast. I was brought to the Emergency Room. There I fell asleep or the medications made me fall asleep. So the moment I woke up I was confused to find myself in a normal hospital room. So I survived? There was a sound from the door and a nurse walked in, shocked to see me awake. Was I out that long? Seems so. She walked out of the room and got the nearest doctor. “Do Kyungsoo right?” he asked. “Yes that’s me. Why?” he looked at me. “A mild concussion but nothing serious like amnesia.” he mumbled to himself. “I’m Doctor Yoo.” I just nodded in response. “You have a few fractured ribs, a mild concussion and a broken leg. We gladly could stop the inner bleedings you arrived with. If it wasn’t for the person who came with you, you would be dead right now. He gladly did a blood donation so that we could save you.” he said. I let the information sink in. “What person?” I asked. Who came with me again? I seriously can’t remember. “He said is name is Kim Jongin.” Jongin? He really donated blood to save me? To save a person who broke his heart? To he person he should hate? At this moment the door opened again. This time it was him. A tear left my eyes. Why is he here? He walked inside and stood beside my bed. The doctor just said a few other things and then left the room, so I was alone with him now. For a few minutes there was silence. Nobody dared to speak. “What are you doing here?” the words came out harsher than they should. I really am glad that he is here. “Can’t I visit you? Can’t I visit the one I love when he got hurt. When there was this chance that I would lose him forever? Kyungsoo do you seriously think I would leave you alone at times like this?” I just stared at him speechles. He still loved me? “Why would you still love me? After the things I did. Why would you still care about me? I’m not worth it Jongin.” “You are totally worth it Kyungsoo. I don’t care what happend. All I care about is you and that you are safe. That you aren’t hurt. I still love you no matter what.” Tears ran down my face. This were the words I longed to hear. But that this would become real was something I didn’t expect. “Please Kyungsoo. Please try again. I want you back. You are the only one I want. Ever. I don’t care what others say or think all I want is you and you alone.” I cried even more. “I still love you too. So much. But I had to do this. My brother…h-he treathend me that he’ll hurt you. I couldn’t live with the thought that you get hurt because of me. But that is clearly what I did. How could you still want me?” “It’s love Kyungsoo. That’s the reason I still want you. We can work this out together and nothing will stop us.” “I don’t know Jongin. I don’t want to risk losing you again.” “You won’t because I wouldn’t let you. I can’t live without you. So please let’s try this again. Aand this time we are stronger than before. This time we’ll fight.” “Okay. Just let’s not start it here. Let’s go somewhere else. Where no one can find us.” “If that is what you want them we’ll do it” he smiled and kissed my forehead. That was the first time in a long time I smiled. It felt nice to be happy again. He is my happines. The only thing that I need to keep going. He intertwined our fingers and smiled at me. The most beautiful smile on this earth. I smiled back at him. It was sincere. It was meant for him. With that he kissed me tenderly. After our kiss he pulled a chair next to my bed and sat there the whole time talking to me until he had to leave with the promise of coming again. This whole time our fingers stayed locked together in a not to tight grip. With that our love story began again. This time it will be better than the last.