Look at me. I have no idea what’s coming. Poor fool. About to be sacrificed to the corporate gods of America on a giant, flaming pile of coffee beans. I’m laughing hysterically as I write this.
First barista in the store to go through digital training. My brain hurt.
Me: “I don’t like the taste of coffee, but man, I love the smell of it!”
Me, six months later: “Starting to hate this smell, but I have developed a slight addiction for cold brew”
Me, a year later: “I f**king hate this smell. Can’t get it out of my bra. It’s so bitter, like me.”
Me, @ customers on the phone while I am trying to take your order: DO NOT.
Trying burnt shots is literally an initiation ritual.
My face the first time someone ordered 5 shots of espresso over ice:
Are you not afraid of dying? Perhaps you should try to ween yourself off of caffeine. Do you know what the inside of the urns look like even after we’ve cleaned them? I’m guessing your internal organs don’t look much better.
Customer orders 8 shots over ice.
SOY MILK SPLOOSHES OVER EVERYTHING.
Almond milk tastes like cream of mushroom soup.
Pumpkin Spice sauce is mostly made of squash.
There is no such thing as an iced cappuccino.
Several customers think our pour-over coffee is too weak. How SHOT do your taste buds have to be?
A customer kinda apologizes for ordering a “diva drink”….which is a decaf latte with vanilla. I laugh sardonically. Me, internally: “Dear lady, this is not a diva drink. You have no idea what people are capable of ordering. It would blow your mind.”
Customer orders a drink with 8 pumps of white mocha, and 3 pumps of vanilla, or something equally nauseating.
Me: “Do want some espresso with that sugar?”
Woman wants spoon when she gets a drink with whip on it. Same girl, same.
First week I work there another barista accidentally spills coffee over my arm. I laugh as I wipe it off and amazingly am not burned. She feels bad but honestly I was totally fine.
PSA: lacquer thinner gets out Sharpie stains
Horrible racist, verbally abusive guy worked at the store for a while and made everyone’s life a misery. So there’s that. Amazingly did not get fired and simply got a new job elsewhere.
“Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out of that sandwich right now” Disappointing customers is one of my least favorite things on multiple levels.
Rang his really handsome guy up for 20 gift cards at $5 each. He wanted to pay with a credit card. I hit the cash button. I turned beat red. Had to activate every single card all over again…I think…can’t remember because I died inside from embarrassment.
PEOPLE WHO ORDER DRINKS WITH NO FOAM I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU:
People are suffering all over the world and you make me remake your drink 3 times until there is not an ounce of foam on your f**king latte?
GET. A. LIFE.
Mobile orders include classics like, I kid you not: Venti iced late, 5 shots, 6 pumps of white mocha, 2 pumps raspberry, whole milk, light ice, whipped cream, caramel drizzle. Often for people who have the gaul to type in “The Goddess” as their name.
I’ve pulled 8 hour shifts before while having my period. Took paracetamol with codeine and felt fine. Probably too good.
It’s VENTEEEEEEE not VENTAAAAAAAY.
That nice Czechoslovakian guy who always ordered long shots. Why.
Literally freezing outside. Customer orders an iced caramel macchiato.
One time during frappuchino hour (”frappy hour”) a dude didn’t want to miss the deadline so he ran to the store so hard he actually puked in the bathroom. I have never wanted a particular drink that badly.
1 frappuccino and 15 hot drinks on the bar. Some people just wanna watch the world burn.
Dude hands me a $20, I’m giving him his change back. He practically throws the change at me and says “here, now give me a dollar.” I’m like ???????? He was rude and would not stop talking and my brain locked up. I was so freaked out I needed to have the shift take over.
Woman RUDELY explains to me what a cappuccino is and how I made it wrong. Thanks for the tutorial, b***h. I explained curtly that I am used to making them dry after I had remade her drink. Apparently my previous polite apology was not enough.
It’s ESpresso, not EXpresso.
Me: “MOBILE ORDER, I HAVE YOUR BECKY!!”
Accurate representation of days when we get a shipment delivered on a busy day:
Number of times I have used the pun “boxed in”: TOO MANY.
Woman comes in and asks how many shots fit a Venti cup. Answer: 18.
Customer places order. I repeat order to make sure. They say no. I apologize for mishearing. Customer complains to barista on bar, “I ordered a GRANDE SOY LATTE and a TALL REGULAR LATTE.” B**ch, no. I asked you if that’s what you ordered and you said no. Leave.
That one dude who goes by “B.J.”….do you not understand the irony? Go onto Urban Dictionary and look up B.J. You might learn something.
Tip: When you’ve filled the cup up too full, gently press down mouth-hole side down first.
Customer orders a caramel cooler. Me, internal: “Sure! I mean, this is Starbucks, not Caribou but we can make you a caramel frappuccino which is basically the same thing.”
That one dude who buys 4 pounds of Guatemalan coffee and makes us check how fine the Turkish grind is. We put it in a cup and he feels how fine it is. Once I worked on tightening the grinder for 15 minutes until it was right. He’s nice, but he needs to get a hobby…or his own G**-damn grinder.
We have the chip reader.
There will be days when dome lids will not go on the frappuccinos.
Number of times I contemplated leaving my phone number on the cups of attractive dude customers: 87.5.
Me @ customers: STOP PICKING UP THE WRONG CUP, DRINKING IT, AND THEN COMPLAINING. IT’S YOUR BLOODY FAULT. LISTEN TO WHAT I’M CALLING OFF. YOUR NAME IS JOAN AND YOU ORDERED A GRANDE SOY LATTE. YOUR NAME IS NOT MUHAMMAD AND YOU DID NOT ORDER A TALL EXTRA HOT CHAI TEA LATTE WITH NO WATER AND NO FOAM. STEP AWAY FROM THE COUNTER. WAIT.
I write the entire complicated diva drink on a hot cup. Customer says “I want that iced.” Me, internal: “OK, well that’s another 5 minutes for me to write that paragraph on a new f**king cup, you ass.”
I made this:
Customer orders coffee that should be brewing but the supervisor told you to dump it 5 minutes ago. I’m like “I’m sorry, that’s on pour-over. Do you have 3 or 4 minutes to wait for that?” Answers may vary.
First manager says “tell them it takes 2 minutes.” Me: “OK.” I continue to tell the truth, it takes 4 freaking minutes.
Very sweet customer comes in. I say “Hi Pixie, how are you?” She’s like “thank you for remembering my name, Sarah!” Honey, your name is Pixie. That’s why I remember.
Tip: cod liver oil applied to burns decreases discomfort and prevents major scarring.
Please do not thrust a credit card into my face-area.
Me, internal: “Don’t you get friggen annoyed with me! You’re the one who turned one sentence into a word.”
That one time I killed a gigantic centipede in the back room.
It’s Wednesday and no one did the tips? WTF.
I will smell the sanitizer for all time.
Little brat steals a $5 bill from the tip jar. Gone before I notice. Kid, that’s my food money. I literally live off that. I love kids, don’t ruin that for me.
Customer borrows the phone “real quick.” 25 minutes later…Me: “Can I have the phone back? We need to accept business calls.”
Line of 15 customers out the door. I’m the only one on register. Everyone orders a breakfast sandwich. “Can I get a little help here?” No answer.
Me: *drops iPod in the sink* I am stupid.
YES WE HAVE THE CHIP READER!!!!!!!
When people ask me about working at Starbucks:
My hair smells like coffee. My pillow smells like coffee.
Me: “Do you want room for cream?”
Customer: “That’s fine.”
Me, internal: “Sooooo, is that a yes or a no?”
WHAT’S THAT SCREAMING?!! Eggnog lattes are back.
Auditor shows up. Everyone panics but me, because I clean up fast. I got your back, even if you don’t have mine. Because we’re gonna pass that damn inspection as we do every time. The espresso machines have been cleaned. No milk crust there. We pass. I smile to myself thinking “I helped us pass”…but I don’t say a word.
Fastest milk wand in the (Mid)west. Cracks whip. Also squirts whip.
Don’t correct me on bar. Don’t tell me I have the order wrong. I’m fast, I’m efficient. I get it right. Even if I don’t always steam the milk first. In the end, as long as I’m quick and clean and accurate, it’s all good.
I know 45% of the customers by name.
I can ring people up in 30 seconds or less.
I just wanted to make drinks. But then customers showed up.
20 drinks on the bar. Me:
I AM A HUMAN, NOT A MACHINE.
But really, I’ve learned so much, about people, about myself, about the work world. Ended up hating most of my co-workers and liking over half the customers. As many times as this job made me upset, it’s been an amazing ride.
So your telling me that out of every dysfunctional selfish boring whiney fucked up individual in this show
Pouseey is the one you felt the need to kill off!?
Are you fucking kidding me!?
As if Chapman, Healy, ANY OF THE GUARDS, ANY of the racist ignorant drug addicted rednecks werent up for grabs!???
Like im legit confused…
I am SO sick of POCs deaths being the reason why white people get to “understand” this fucked up world the rest of us (POC) live in.
I felt like I was watching every unarmed police inflicted death smh
And WTF was that bullshit about the cop now being the poor sad victim?! Are you joking???
They still found away to throw in Chapman and Ross pathetic excuse for a relationship. And the fuckin disgusting trailer trash druggies as if they will EVER be relevant.
We watched as the white girls as per always just HAD to be included in a riot/protest they didnt give not one shit about.
I just cant with this shit.
Im not even mad at the show forreal… im mad this shit is real life.
Scorpios & the struggle of being a murder or sex addict
you wanna know what? I really really love zodiac posts, but why the fuck is scorpio almost always the murder/bad one?I know it’s just fun, and most of the time it’s funny, but some people really believe we are all such bitches and assholes and sex addicted .. like WTF? No, we are not! It hurts to read some things like:
* but we are more than this - We are actually so kind and cute and special in many various ways! Scorpios, don’t ever let people tell you your bad traits! You are damn kings and queens. You should be proud of you. *