why am i such a pathetic mess

Hamilton lyrics I will never not relate to

“Inside he was longing for something to be apart of”

“Poppin’ a squat”

“You’re making me mad”

“Bwuh bwuh bwuh bwuh bwuh”

“I forgot my dang name”

“Why are you upset?” “I’m not”

“Awesome. Wow”

“Useless as two shits”

“I’ll make a million mistakes”

“I hadn’t slept in a week”

“A mess, she looked pathetic”

“They don’t like you”

“You fat motherfucker”

“I’m a little nervous but I can’t show it”

“Sweet Jesus”

“Excuse me, what?”

“Oh shit”

“I am more than willing to die”

Replaceable Part 3!!

Lance was woken by the sound of the castle alarms blaring. He quickly rolled out of his bed and put on his armor. He took a quick look in the mirror to see how he looked. He is eyes were still puffy and red from all the crying, but if any of the others asked, he could simply blame it on the sleep. Running his fingers through his hair to make it look presentable, he took a final glance at his reflection and ran to along to the pounding sound of the alarms. Lance reached the room just as Hunk was. Hunk sent him a small smile, in which he returned. His smile quickly fell however when he turned to look at Keith, who was clearly trying to ignore him, not even looking in his direction. Lance swallowed around the lump in his throat. *No. No more crying.* Allura clapped her hands together, getting the attention of the team. “Okay, Paladins! We’ll be arriving on the planet in just a few ticks, so just a quick reminder that this alliance is very crucial to Voltron and stopping Zarkon. Everyone must be on their best behavior! We have to make sure that we secure this alliance, no matter what!” *Oh yeah…* Lance thought. *I completely forgot about the alliance..* “Princess, we are now landing!” “Thank you, Coran. Alright Paladins! Let’s greet our, hopefully, new alliances!” As Lance stepped onto the foreign planet, he looked around in awe. It was beautiful here. There were enormous, strange looking buildings that looked like skyscrapers. The planet reminded him of New York, only there was a peaceful, calm aura surrounding the place. It was clear to see that this alien race was very civilized and advanced with technology, which also meant weaponry. They would definitely be a powerful ally for Voltron and the fight against Zarkon. Allura led them to a large building that resembled a mansion, but it appeared to be made out of an iridescent, chrome material. Coran stepped forward. “It’s made out of a material that’s virtually indestructible. And you may have noticed that you can’t see into the building, but once you are in the inside, you can see the outside. I believe you have something similar on Earth. Two-way mirror is it?” Pidge nodded with her mouth hung open while the other paladins looked around in awe. “It’s beautiful.” Shiro murmured. Lance nodded in agreement. He could feel the excitement bubble up inside him as they drew nearer to the entrance. When they entered the building, Lance was not disappointed. It appeared as though there was some sort of celebration going on. Hundreds of chandeliers made out of glowing blue crystals hung from the ceiling, creating a soft blue hue to light up the room, giving a calming effect. Rows and rows of tables were lined up, displaying an endless buffet of food Lance had never seen before. The aliens there were all dressed in various ball gowns, some of which seemed to sparkle like it was made entirely out of crystals and jewels. And there was music softly playing in the background. Everything was breathtakingly beautiful. One of the older looking aliens recognized them and walked over to Allura. “Ah, hello Princess Allura. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Allura bowed deeply. “The pleasures all mine, Queen Lilith. I would like the introduce my Paladins, the team of Voltron.” The Queen’s eyes shined as she gazed at them. “Yes, yes! I would like to thank you for everything you have done so far. The task you have been assigned is very challenging and dangerous. It is quite impressive the things you have accomplished.” The Queen turned to Allura. “Now, I do believe we have business matters to discuss. Paladins, please enjoy yourselves. This party was thrown for you after all.” The team sheepishly gave their thanks. Lance turned to the party, eyes alight. *Finally, time to relax and have some fun!*
Everything was going amazingly. Lance’s belly was stuffed with delicious food, everyone he talked to was incredibly respectful and kind. He was…happy. He smiled genuinely for the first time in what a felt like a very long time. Everything was going perfect. That was until he talked to Hunk. Lance noticed Hunk talking to a trio of female aliens who were all wearing elegant gowns. They were all giggling as Hunk was flushed red and rubbing the back of his neck. Lance knew that look. Hunk was uncomfortable. What kind of friend would he be if he didn’t come in the save the day for his best bud, his right hand man? So, Lance made his way to them. “So, what are you lovely ladies doing this fine evening?” One of them turned and giggled. “Oh, we were just asking Hunk here about his adventures as a Paladin.” The alien let her hand trail down Hunk’s arm. “He’s very strong and brave. And quite cute if I’m being completely honest.” The others around them giggled in agreement. Lance chuckled and shook his head. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies, but Hunk right here.” He threw an arm around Hunk’s shoulders. “He’s already a taken man.” Lance felt Hunk stiffen underneath his arm. “Lance, what are you-” “And who is the lucky lady to have such a handsome defender of the universe?” One of the girls pouted. “Well beautiful, that would be one rock hard gal by the name of Shay. You see, from the first time Hunk looked at her, he was smitten. You should of heard him-” “Lance, can I talk to you for a second?” Hunk interrupted. Before Lance could reply, Hunk dragged him away from the group, and to a secluded corner. “Hey, what’s up buddy?” Lance grinned. “Don’t ‘buddy’ me.” His smile fell. “What was that all about?!” “Wha-what?” “Who gave you the right to just start running your mouth about my feelings or relationships?” Lance slowly took a step back. “I-I’m sorry, Hunk. You just looked uncomfortable and I thought-” “No. That’s just it. You didn’t think at all.” Hunk gave him a hard look. “Did you ever think how that made me feel? Lance, that was embarrassing! Shay and I aren’t even dating, and the only reason I told you that I liked her is because you’re supposed to be my best friend!” “Hunk, I am your best friend!” “A best friend wouldn’t just spill out the inner most secrets to compete strangers! I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong.” Lance could feel the familiar heat behind his eyes. “H-Hunk..” “Just leave me alone, Lance. And just try to think of others feelings before you think of yourself. And stop trying to 'help’ me. You’ve done enough 'helping’ already.” With that, Hunk turned and left. Lance stood frozen, unmoving. Feeling the heat increase and the water beginning to form in his eyes, he quickly left. He had to get out of there. He couldn’t cry in front of these people, he would just ruin the alliance. *Just like I ruin everything else. But where could I go?* Then, someone was calling to him in his mind. *Blue.* Lance ran back to the castle, avoiding his teammates. He couldn’t let them see him like this. When he got to Blue’s hangar, he could already feel himself starting to crumble. The dam behind his eyes cracked and the tears began to flow. He ran to Blue as she lowered her head and open her mouth for him to enter. Lance threw himself into the pilot chair, drawing his knees to his chest and allowing the tears to flow freely. “Blue, why do I have to mess up everything? I try to help, but I just end up making a bigger mess of things. I knew I didn’t belong here. I was never meant to be a paladin of Voltron. I’m just a weak, pathetic, excuse of a pilot. Keith was right. I’ll never be a true pilot of Voltron. All I am is a cargo pilot.” Lance muttered bitterly. Blue tried to send him comforting thoughts, reassuring him that he did belong and that she CHOSE him to be here paladin, but Lance ignored her, letting the grief and shame consume him.
Lance was still in the castle with Blue when he heard a thunderous crash outside, followed by several screams of panic. He ran to the nearest window to see what caused the commotion. When Lance glanced toward the sky, he gaped at what he saw. A large Galra ship was hovering in the air, and it suddenly projected a hologram of a scarred, angry Galra. “Paladins of Voltron, I am here in behalf of Zarkon. We know you’re here! If you do not reveal yourselves, this planet will perish.” Lance watched as Hunk, Pidge, Keith, and Shiro ran outside the building, facing the hologram. “Ah, there you are.” “What do you want from us!?” Shiro shouted. “Hmmm..I actually have a deal to offer.” *A deal..what could he possibly have to offer that would interest us?* Lance pondered. “Do not think we haven’t noticed that you have stolen information from our database, but what caught my attention was what you specifically searched. It appears that you are looking for your fellow species, one that shares DNA to the Green paladin.” Lance gasped as he saw Pidge pale. “Where are they?! What do you know?! TELL ME!!!” Pidge screamed. “Haha, be patient gremlin. We do have the information about these humans you are looking for, possibly even their coordinates. But in exchange for your the information, you have to prove your strength to me and pry the information from myself. Let me see the strength a member of Voltron has.” The others sneered and shouted at the Galra while Lance set his jaw. He knew what he had to do.
“I’m going.” “No Shiro, if you go, who’ll lead Voltron? There’s a very high chance that whoever goes will not come back alive.” “It’s either I’m going, or no one is going, and that’s final.” The team was still arguing when they were caught off guard by thunderous laughter. “Ahahaha!! It appears we have a challenger!” The team whip around, just in time to see the Blue lion headed straight toward the ship. The Glara ship begins to take off, the Blue lion right on its tail. “LANCE!!” The team ran after them, but they were slowly losing ground. Shiro quickly turned on his communications in his helmet, allowing the others to hear. “Lance! Lance! Do you copy?!” “I hear you loud and clear, Cap!” “Lance, what the quiznak do you think you’re doing?! Get back here right now! That’s an order!!” “Sorry Shiro, but I can’t do that. I’m getting that info.” “Lance, you can’t do this; it’s a suicide mission!!” Shiro screamed desperately. “That’s okay Shiro. I’ll do whatever I can to help my team, especially if it’s concerning their family. I may never get to mine again, so if there is a chance that I can help any of you get back with your family, I’ll always step up to the plate. It’s time that I tried to do something right, instead of being a disappointment to the team and ruining everything. Besides.” Lance chuckles weakly and let’s a few more tears escape, dripping off his chin onto the control panel. “I’m replaceable.”

Ruined Prom night (Shawn Mendes)

Hi loves,

please request something I’m running out of ideas haha. 

Requests are open!

Summary: Y/N instead of her prom she goes to iHeart Radio festival where Shawn leaves her alone for Camila. 

Hope you enjoy it!

Originally posted by teendotcom

Never in a million years would I have thought I‘d miss my own prom, but looking at my plane ticket I knew it happened. Since I was a little girl I always dreamed about wearing fancy dress to my prom, accompanied by a handsome guy, but when the guy I love asks you to be his pair to iHeart Radio Festival which is happening on your prom night, I guess you don‘t really have choise


„Why are you so nervous?“ Shawn asked slighly laughing at me. „There will be hundrets of people!” “Don’t  worry, you’ll be fine. I won’t leave you” Shawn kissed my lips trying to calm me down. When he left to get ready I knew it was time for me too. I guess wearing make up to cover up my acne skin since I was 15years old paid off because now without any struggles I did some kickass glam make up. After putting on my dress I looked at the mirror. Of course I didn’t look perfect because it would have looked prettier with slimmer legs, flat stomach, but perfection was never a thing. So I didn’t really think about it. If I said I wasn‘t nervous I would be lying because just thinking about standing there next to people you always watched on your computer screen gives me anxiety. Of course I said to Shawn that I won‘t be standing next to him on the red carpet because that would be just too much for me but it still made me nervous.

„You look amazing“ Shawn whispered making my cheeks heat. Even though I‘m dating Shawn for a very long time he still makes me feel like it happened just yesterday.  „Well you don‘t look bad yourself, Mendes“ I smirked looked at him. „I swear to god, Y/N, if we would be alone right now, I would rip that dress off your body“ Shawn huskily murmed leaving small kisses on my neck. „Maybe you should wait till the evening‘s done“  I said knowing it would put him on the edge. „You‘re..“ „Mr.Mendes, Miss Y/L/N. We‘re here“ Shawn‘s drivers said. „Don‘t be scared, princess. I will meet you there“ Shawn kissed my lips before stepping out of the car.


Scrolling down my instagram something catched my eyes. It was Shawn scaring Camila on the red carpet. I guess perfection is a thing now. Camila looked like a goddess with her white top and short-thing, whatever it was. It‘s actually quite rude if you ask me, people still talking about Shawn and Camila dating even though Shawn said in one of his interviews that Shawn and I were in a relationship, but again no one is asking me.

When the evening started but Shawn still wasn‘t with me  I got nervous. Where the hell is that boy? Leaving a few messages I put my phone down and tried to enjoy the evening. He will come eventually. At least that’s what I thought.

On the break he still wasn‘t here. Did he just betrayed me? Scrolling down my social medias I saw pictures of my friends in their  prom dresses. I should have been there with my friends not here. Alone. But after seeing something my sadness quickly changed into anger. There was a photo of Shawn and Camila enjoying themselves. Shawn had his phone in his hands. Maybe he didn‘t see my messages? Of course he did, he just found a better company than you. I couldn‘t be here anymore so I left.

Angrily wiping all the tears rolling down my face I looked through the car‘s window. „You okay, ma‘am?“ driver asked concerned. Nodding my head I smiled through my tears. If someone would have said that I would be crying on my prom night I‘d say they‘re lying. But now look at the mess I am. Pathetic.


Stuffing my mouth with multiple candy and ice cream was never in my planner but sometimes things happens. All I wanted was to leave this place, far from the highways, close to the sea. My phone starts to buzz. I look up to see Shawn calling. There‘s no way I‘m picking up that phone. ‚Have fun with Camila‘ I quickly send it and throw my phone away.


„Hi baby, why did you leave so soon?“ Shawn asked confused. „Are you serious right now? Please tell me you‘re not because if you are then just leave“ I said pissed. „What did I do?“ „What the actual fuck Shawn? That‘s the thing, you did fucking nothing. You left me, your girlfriend alone, when you promised me you wouldn‘t“ I yelled frustrated. „Just calm down. Why are you so mad at me?  I gave you an oppurtunity to be in this festival, for free“ Shawn said rolling his eyes. I can‘t believe what I was hearing. „Wow, thank you hero of the day!“ I yelled putting my hands in the air. „Stop making it such a big deal“ „No fuck you, Shawn. Fuck you and your stupid celebrity life. You don‘t get it, I missed my prom, the night I was waiting since I was five years old, for what? This night that I was all alone why all of my friends enjoyed themselves?!“ I snapped at him leaving our hotel room. I needed to get out of here.


„Stupid stupid stupid“ I started murmuring „Stop crying“ a frustrated yell escaped my lips when I couldn‘t take it anymore.

I was sitting on a hotel’s roof looking at the city’s view in front of me. If I wouldn’t be so mad and sad I wished Shawn was here too.

I turned around when I heard soft music start to play. There was Shawn standing with flowers in his hands. As I got up to leave Shawn grabbed me by my wrist. “Just hear me out” he looked at me apologetically. Again I turned to love but he caught my wrist. Again. “Please” I stopped moving and looked at his eyes. “I know I messed up. Really badly and I’m so sorry” if he thinks saying sorry will sort out everything he’s wrong “I know sorry is not enough. Hell I don’t even have an explanation why I left you alone. But I know that I love you and I’m so sorry for making this mistake. I promise I won’t leave you, never again. And I’m terribly sorry for ruining your prom night. But please can I make it up to you?” Shawn asked hopefully while I was glaring at him. “Y/N, will you dance with me?” He asked giving me flowers. Slowly taking flowers I hugged him. Feeling his body relaxing made me giggle. He was nervous coming here. “I’m still mad at you, Mendes. But nothing can change the fact that I love you. And no prom night, stupid fights will change that.” “I love you too Y/N” Shawn leaned over to kiss me. God, I love him. “But I swear to god, if you leave me again, I will chope off your balls”


◦ pairing: reader x taehyung

◦ rating: m

◦ word count: 2.1k

◦ a/n: This came from a far too vivid daydream of mine. Sometimes I hate my imagination. #RIPTaehyungStans

m a s t e r l i s t

The crimson liquid kissed the curves of the glass for the second time. Her lips hovered over the rim as she let out a shaky exhale. Wrinkles rippled across her eyelids as she squeezed them shut, trying so hard to silence her thoughts. Instead, her mind whispered to her an image: his soft, walnut eyes fixed steadily on hers, his gaze releasing butterflies in her stomach, tickling her insides. The thought of him alone launched a muffled drumbeat in her ears. Her chest welled with unease as a certain hunger grew in her core. The warmth of her lonely apartment was the only thing that held her as she swayed to the dull hum that came from the radio.

The thin, cream-colored fabric of her robe slipped down her one shoulder, held up only by the bend of her elbow as she held her wine glass gingerly. With her free hand, she raked her hand through her hair, grabbing and tugging in her frustration. Again, his tall, lean figure sauntered through her memory and she was scoffing at her own state. Having this fine specimen of a man live across the hall from her was torture enough, but being invited in for coffee or a casual football game night with his other friends– that just revealed all the sides of him she did not want to know about. She hadn’t felt this way since high school, crushing on some boy like he would complete her in ways she could not herself. It seemed pathetic to her. Why am I like this? She thought. How could one guy –no, the mere thought of this one guy– get her so worked up? Her fingers tightened around the smooth glass as she imagined all the obscene what if’s and could be’s.

Knock, knock. A soft thud came from behind her front door. Caught in the mess of her own mind, she heard nothing. Her hand fell limp at her side as she sipped in more of the Merlot, feeling it trickle down into her stomach to accompany the rest of the sea of distress she has consumed. She placed the now empty glass on the side table with a lazy clink.

Keep reading


I’m such a piece of shit - here have the fanart I can’t get out of my goddamn brain of The 100. This is not good but if I don’t get it out of my system I’m gunna have a heart attack at work *hearts in eyes emoji* My favorite characters right now are Raven, Indra, and Bellamy, but Octavia has been so cool in the past few episodes I just love them all tbh


Now, I’m really not usually one to swear, but I’d like every TRUE SasuSaku fan who is currently hyperventilating/losing hope over the possibility of the SS ship ever becoming canon to kindly sit the fuck down and READ THIS.

READ THIS, because we’ve all been reading Kishi’s manga for long enough to recognise when symbolism and hidden meanings rear their controversial heads.


So last night, before I went to bed, I kind of half-heartedly hoped for a SasuSaku scene in Chapter 693. I have to admit, I got a little more than I bargained for, and my initial reaction was RAGE. I mean, I’m not going to lie, the first time I read the chapter, I was like, what is this SHIT I’m reading. Sasuke you BRAT. You bastard. I hate you forever, I HOPE YOU DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE AND ROT ALL ALONE YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.

I thought it was surely OVER for a second. And I genuinely was ready to give in and concede defeat.

But then I read it AGAIN. And I realised something.

Kishi is trolling us hard, yes - but he’s also sending us mixed signals which DON’T MAKE SENSE IF SASUKE REALLY DOESN’T GIVE A TOSS ABOUT SAKURA AT ALL.

Why all this sudden increase in drama for the Sasuke and Sakura dynamic? It’s been happening for multiple chapters, not just a one-off.

Why waste all that panel time bringing Sakura’s feelings back into the spotlight, Kishi? If it really means NOTHING?


I’ll do a panel by panel commentary to show you what I mean. This is the mangastream translation, by the way.

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I knew the moment I saw this, that Sakura was going to do something or say something to Sasuke in desperation. The HEARTBREAK in her eyes, it just made me so sad. And the way NARUTO AND KAKASHI SEE AND RECOGNISE her pain, too… THEY KNOW HER SO WELL. THEY KNOW HOW MUCH THIS HURTS HER, to see that idiot Sasuke continuing on the destructive path he is so insistent on following.

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HERE is where it gets interesting.

So Sakura ONCE AGAIN confesses her undying love. She tells Sasuke, ONCE AGAIN, that even now, despite all the shit he’s done, and how he’s completely torn her heart to pieces, she can’t help but LOVE HIM. BLINDLY, ABSOLUTELY, UNCONDITIONALLY, EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS IT IS UTTERLY PATHETIC. EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS HE REDUCES HER, TO THIS DAY, TO A WEEPING, EMOTIONAL MESS WHICH COMPLETELY MAKES HER FEEL POWERLESS.

Can you imagine how frustrating that must be for Sakura? All that TRAINING… but one look or harsh word from Sasuke and she breaks down. She KNOWS it’s PATHETIC. She even says it here. But can she stop herself? No. WHY? BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM. Time and time again, she throws her pride out the window and is left WOUNDED by this SON OF A BITCH, who frankly, let’s face it, DOESN’T DESERVE HER DEVOTION.

I’m sorry to write it. Yes, I am a SS shipper and always have/will be, but I’m also realistic, and when I say Sasuke doesn’t deserve her, I mean HE IS NOT WORTHY. NOT BY A LONG SHOT. AND SASUKE SEEMS TO KNOW IT TOO, BUT WE’LL COME BACK TO THAT IN A BIT.

Anyway, back to this page. Look at NARUTO’s FACE. There is NO PAIN because he’s in love with Sakura himself - because he ISN’T. This panel of him is PROOF of just how much Naruto has grown and accepted the fact that Sakura was no more than a crush. He loves her - but more like a SISTER.


MAYBE KAKASHI is thinking of RIN, of how he pushed her away. The regret he lived with ever since. He doesn’t want Sasuke to feel the same way.

Or maybe he is so EXHAUSTED. poor thing. So SAD that even after they saved the world together, Sasuke refuses to turn to them. He just wants them together, like Sakura does. Like Naruto does. They’re all SO TIRED of this drama, of having to chase Sasuke down, only for him to throw CRAP in their faces.

But that isn’t even the most significant part of this page. We KNOW Sakura is in love with Sasuke. Kishi has been shoving that in our faces an awful lot lately, and really putting her feelings in the spotlight. We already know. And as HEARTBREAKING as it is to see Sakura like this, pleading with him again, it’s not a shock. Sure, it made me angry, because Sasuke is once again being a JERK and disregarding the love and care and happiness that is being FREELY offered to him on a golden platter. But this is SASUKE. What the hell do we expect?

I find it interesting that Sakura says, “If I still have a place somewhere in your heart…”


We’ve gone from Sakura thinking Sasuke doesn’t care the slightest for her, to her telling him if there is STILL a place in his heart for her?

Did something give her reason to believe there WAS a place for her there at the start?

But she always thought he thought her annoying - right?

That was an interesting little piece of dialogue, but what got me was this next bit.


I mean, it says SHAKE next to his foot up there. He was LEAVING to go fight with Naruto. What happens when Sakura starts confessing all over again?





Now, tell me this, SS fans. Did he HAVE to listen? Did he HAVE to wait? And what’s with the hesitation? Not very Sasuke like, is it? WHY WOULD KISHI WASTE A PANEL WITH THAT IF IT DIDN’T MEAN SOMETHING. HE WANTS US TO SEE SASUKE HESITATE.

For someone who just wants to get this battle over with, it seems like a bit of a waste of the mighty Sasuke’s time to spend five minutes listening to this silly girl he doesn’t even care about.

LOL, did I say he doesn’t care about her? Oh wait. LOOK AT THIS NEXT PAGE.

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I thought he actually KILLED her for a second. I’m not going to lie. I PANICKED.

But then I read the following page, and realised KISHI THE ULTIMATE TROLL had struck again.

Let’s go back to the first panel there. A whole MASSIVE, detailed panel of Sasuke’s reaction to her words. And here is why THIS PART if the most SIGNIFICANT for us long suffering SS shippers.


Look at his EXPRESSION. Look at the tired/sad tilt of his eyebrow. Look at how it CONTRASTS SO GLARINGLY WITH THE SLIGHT SMIRK OF HIS LIPS.


I’m sorry, that IS a smirk. Compare it to the one Sasuke gave her when he called her annoying before he knocked her out when leaving Konoha, and this SMIRK is MORE obvious. It just looks pained.

Why would Kishi make him look PAINED? Why the dark lines under his eyes? Why would he give up an entire panel to express such an emotion? This is RAW emotion from Sasuke. It’s genuine - and what is even more mind-blowing is that he REMEMBERS the last time she said similar words to him and professed her love.

What does he do? The little smooth SHIT shows her he remembers - by using those same words he gave her last time - but a more emphasised version.


Meaning, she’s even MORE annoying than she was before.

It’s like his expression and words are saying: SIGH. SAKURA. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU?

Oh, I know you’re going to get in the way, SO I’LL KNOCK YOU OUT AGAIN because FUCK, I can’t DEAL WITH YOU any better now than I could when I was TWELVE.

It’s like that’s their little secret code thing between them, and Sasuke has NEVER forgotten that night when she confessed the first time. He even remembers how to reply in the exact same manner he did back then.

The sadness in his face suggests he was HOPING she had known better and moved on. Given up on him the way he has clearly given up on hope for himself. Maybe there’s an element of GUILT, somewhere deep down where he doesn’t want anyone to see, that she is STILL hanging onto him so loyally, after EVERYTHING he has done to her. Maybe he just doesn’t feel WORTHY.

But then there’s that smirk. It speaks relief. It’s almost AMUSED, because he clearly never forgot her first confession, and he didn’t expect to hear it again. Like deep down, he’s so RELIEVED to know she still loves him, despite how wretched he has become. It’s like an exasperated look of indulgence. Or fondness, almost.

Sasuke: You love me, Sakura. Heh. Still? Tch. So annoying.

He could have said it with a hateful glare. He could have just knocked her out right away without saying anything at all. But he doesn’t. He almost smiles - but it’s a sad, pained smile. Almost regretful. Instead, Kishi stresses the memory of the last love confession, and makes a direct parallel scenario here. The difference is, Sasuke’s face is much more EXPRESSIVE.

Compare Sasuke’s face HERE to the blank one he gives Naruto/everyone else. This is a genuine SMIRK. Sakura’s words have once again REACHED HIM. No argument about it. Once again, he LISTENED.

Also, this is significant because Naruto and Kakashi are bystanders. They don’t even realise the weight of “You’re annoying”. It’s a moment and exchange between SASUKE AND SAKURA ALONE. She remembered him saying thank you to her in an earlier panel. And Sasuke lets her know, in his own way, that he remembers that night too.

Did he have to use those words? NO. But he speaks them on purpose, because he KNOWS Sakura knows them - and he knows what they mean to her.

It’s like he doesn’t WANT her to love him anymore, and half-hopes she will move on - but at the same time, he says things that keep her prisoner to him and him alone. Almost like he’s contradicting himself constantly and sending her mixed signals.The sick, twisted little BRAT.

Which makes the next panel even more heartless. We don’t get a chance to see Sakura’s reaction. Sasuke’s rinnegan hits her with an illusion - and it’s a harsh, cruel one.

Only SAKURA sees this - her supposed death at Sasuke’s hands. Everyone else doesn’t see this illusion. It’s pretty obvious from the lack of response from Kakashi and Naruto that they haven’t.


He pierces her in her HEART. As if he wants her to STOP. To LET GO. This is so cruel, and he knows this is Sakura’s greatest fear - losing him, dying before she could save him. But he does it anyway. Why this particular vision?



Now Sasuke, recognising how much SAKURA loves him (which reminds him of his unconditional love for his family, later on, and how much THAT hurt him), does the same to the girl who is so hopelessly in love with him. To get her to hate him - to maybe make it easier should he die at Naruto’s hands?


He makes her see something that will horrify her so much, so that she DOESN’T WAKE UP AND INTERFERE. So that she CAN’T wake up from the trauma.

Because maybe he KNOWS, if she gets in his and Naruto’s way, he will have to STOP.

Once again, Sasuke’s actions betray him. He knows Sakura’s weakness is him - and he exploits it here to make sure she will stay down.

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Again, if Sasuke didn’t give a toss about Sakura, why would he bother knocking her out to keep her out of harm’s way? LOL Anti SS fans. What U GONNA SAY TO THAT. HAS MY POST SHUT YOU UP YET. NO? WELL THERE’S MORE, BITCHES.

Naruto is furious, of course. He and Kakashi only see Sakura suddenly losing consciousness. Again, they don’t SEE what she has seen.

Kakashi, bless his heart, is clearly pissed off and starts guilt-tripping Sasuke. I LOVE KAKASHI. HE IS SUCH A SWEETIE. SO PROTECTIVE OF SAKURA. A TRUE SS SHIPPER.

NOW HERE IS ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT PART. Sasuke says he has no reason to love Sakura. Actually, I can’t believe Sasuke is even talking about this subject, it’s so bizarre.




He didn’t mock Sakura like this when she was awake. Isn’t that interesting, guys? As usual, Sasuke and Sakura’s moments happen privately between them (like 685) and in front of the rest of the world, he says something different.

Maybe I’m being blind here. Maybe he really does feel nothing for her. And he’s right, he has NO REASON to love her. That doesn’t mean he DOESN’T or CAN’T EVER GROW TO LOVE HER. As Kakashi says, love doesn’t need a reason.


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Kakashi continues to fight for Sakura’s honour, and Sasuke continues to act like he doesn’t give a shit.

But then he THINKS OF HIS FAMILY. The strength and purity of Sakura’s love reminds him of that. Do you REALISE how significant that is, again? He knows what it’s like to love so much that your heart gets broken. HELL, HE UNDERSTANDS. THAT IS WHY HE CONTINUES TO PUSH HER AWAY. HE IS SO AFRAID OF THAT PAIN, A PAIN HE COULD NEVER GET OVER, THE PAIN OF LOSS.




I find it REALLY weird how Kishi is focusing on Sakura’s feelings, taking up all these panels and even getting KAKASHI to lecture Sasuke about her. TO WHAT END? To confirm that Sasuke doesn’t give a crap about Sakura, when his actions betray otherwise? Kishi didn’t need to have Sasuke listen to all this. He could have knocked her out and left right away.

Instead we have Kakashi telling Sasuke that Sakura just wants to be HIS and that he is continuing to break her heart. Sasuke’s response is quite distracted… he thinks of his family and his words almost seem to be an afterthought.

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Kakashi is clearly startled at how suddenly Sasuke takes off - as if he doesn’t WANT to hear anymore. Then we have Naruto, who I LOVE SO MUCH, be the number one SS shipper again and PROMISE to return Sasuke to Sakura.

If it was so hopeless, if Naruto didn’t believe there was a CHANCE for Sasuke and Sakura, why would he hold onto his promise for her?

The rest of the chapter mentions hate turning to LOVE. A sign of things to come?

I think this chapter doesn’t kill SasuSaku at all.

1. Sakura’s feelings are confirmed.

2. Sasuke references the last goodbye scene with a pained smirk.

3. He knocks her out with an illusion that he KNOWS is her worst nightmare to KEEP HER SAFE.

4. He says he has no reason to love her (and she has no reason to love him - he KNOWS he is a screw up) - but SAKURA DOESN’T HEAR HIM.

I think Sakura, being a genjutsu type, (which Sasuke KNOWS), will surely break out of the illusion. Hopefully she will punch Sasuke’s stupid face.









N.M - Not Giving Up

Originally posted by whysolina


“Nate, hey! Uh it’s me. I mean it’s Y/N. Just call me back sometime!” You left a voice mail for your boyfriend, excuse me, ex boyfriend. As soon as you hung up the phone, you started to regret calling him in the first place. You hated to sound desperate, but you couldn’t quit thinking about that boy.

The past three months had been the hardest of your entire life. Three months ago, you found yourself snooping through your boyfriend’s phone. You had a feeling that something wasn’t right. Nate had been sort of distant, and pictures of him and his friend, Laura, were circulating around Twitter. You had a feeling that Laura was something more than just a friend, and you were determined to find out. You discovered texts and call logs between her and Nate. At first, the texts were innocent. Nothing more than small talk, feeling guilty for not trusting your boyfriend and invading his privacy, you were about to put his phone up. That is when you came across something not so innocent. Laura had sent Nate nudes. Rather than him rejecting her, he proceeded to tell her how good she looked. But what disgusted you even more was that he went in detail of what he would do to her and how it would feel. It broke your heart.

Keep reading

I Less Than Three You

Summary: Dan and Phil are friends with benefits which itself is complicated. To make things worse for Dan he is in love with Phil and Phil has gone to party thrown by a guy who has a crush on him.

Warnings: F-bombs, Bad writing (It’s my first ever fic), Some more bad writing (English is not my first language)

Word count: 1668

Every part of my day is heavens thanks to Phil. Every second of my day is also torture because of Phil as well. It’s currently past midnight and usually at this time we retire to one of our bedrooms (I secretly prefer his as it smells as home) and engage in what the fans call ‘bishi bashi’ making me fell all bliss. It also makes my chest hurt later thinking how I cannot tell the person lying next to me how much special he is to me.

Phil and I were in this unspoken friends with benefit deal. We never labeled what we were. And nobody knew about us. We went on dates with other people, only when our friend forced us to go. They never lasted more than a couple of dates.

For me, Phil was the obvious reason why. Saying that I am somewhat obsessed with him won’t be an overstatement. And it is almost 1 am now and Phil isn’t home still from this stupid party one of his stupid hunky uni friend, Roy with his stupid outrageous crush on Phil. Phil even went out with him twice (I consumed ridiculous amount of alcohol both the time went to bed before Phil came back) and said him clearly that it wasn’t working for him, that Roy still flirts and tries for Phil. It makes me want to throw that stupid house plant on his head.

Its quarter past one already and this time usually I am having my world rocked by the black haired beauty. Where is he? Phil never stays at party past midnight and switch off his phone. Unless that too pretty to be true boy is responsible for it.

The thought alone makes me feel like my heart is cracking. I know I cannot drink my grief out now, Phil is still sort of missing.

When I was about to call him for what felt like seventieth time, I heard the door downstairs close and a loud bump. Phil is home with me and not with Roy. And sure enough Phil was there awkwardly bent on the stairs just beside the door smelling strongly of alcohol. Now that I was sure Phil was back home safe, I could get angry.

“Where were you and why is you fucking cell off? I’ve been worried sick. You could have at least called me if you had decided to be late.” I barked climbing down towards him. He only managed to straighten up by then.

“I am sholly” he slurred smiling at me sweetly evaporating my anger. Fucking cutie.

He suddenly put his arm around my shoulder and leaned on me, his face centimeters away from mine. This always made me pause my breathing which helped as the smell of alcohol was overwhelming.

“How much did you drink?” I asked snaking my arms around him and pulling him closer. I was feeling possessive a little over Phil because of the whole Roy thing and wanted him all to myself. We have had drunken sex several times before and I was positive Phil won’t mind in the morning. He would probably jokingly demand a reverse situation for himself.

“A little” He slurred smiling. “Yeah sure” I said pecking his lips. I never get to just peck him and do other cute things. It’s always a heated kiss leading up to something more.

“Oh Dan” he sighed against my lips and nuzzled into my neck and locking both his arms around me. He sighed some more which made me want to moan and it had little to do with my sensitive neck.

“Come on, let’s make it to bed this time. Not that you doing me against the door was in any way unpleasant” I flirted. We do that quite a lot actually and checking each other out. At least that’s what I do.

“Yeah” he giggled leaning more on me and snuggling some more. I half carried him to his bedroom. Phil never was this clingy, not that I mind. May be he was a cuddly drunk. That made me happy. God I am a creep.

“That was one of the best sex I’ve had” he said as I push him on his bed. He just sat there looking at my face with glazed eyes. It made me a bit self-conscious. I removed his shoes and was about to kiss him when those soft pink lips started speaking, “All of the best sex I have ever had were with you.  Actually all sex with you is best. God I love you.”

What. He what? He what ME?

“You love me?” I barely managed to make it audible.

“Of course I love you Dan. I have said that many times before.” He said dreamily.

Of course that’s what it was. He said he loved me this morning when I bought him his favorite cereal. I realized I was still awkwardly kneeling his left shoe half removed and my thigh had begun to hurt. I got his shoes removed, changed him into his pjs and made him take his contacts out. Somehow this love me thing reminded me my place with him and now I just wanted to curl up on my bed away from Phil.

I finally managed to tuck him in switched off light and began to walk out.

“Why are you leaving me Dan?” he said and he sounded so broken all so sudden. I had to go back to look properly at him. “What do you want from me?” I asked as gently as I could.

He looked up at me with his fucking blue eyes and uttered the sweetest thing “I want you to not leave me.”

I smiled at him as that made me feel all warm inside again and I knew I had no other option. So I snuggled beside him.

“I less than three you Dan. Why don’t you see it? I love you so much” he mumbled towards the end. Ok this was getting serious but I stopped myself from getting my hopes up. It was Phil after all; why would he love me.

“What do you mean you love me?” I managed a whisper. He flinched badly at this and his eyes watered. Fuck he’s crying.

“I know I shouldn’t have said that” he stammered between sobs. I barely could understand what he was saying. “I should have never. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to live without you Dan please.” He was horribly sobbing towards the end and it snapped me out from my stunned state that I was in because of what he said.

“Phil, Phil stop crying; I am not leaving you. Please calm down. Stop love.” I consoled rubbing his chest and wiping his tears.

My eyes did almost water at what he was saying. My breathing was fast and there was weird feeling in my stomach. But I won’t let my hopes high. I needed to know more.

“How do you love me Phil?” he looked at me with teary eyes. “Do you want me more than just… more that what we are now?”

He nodded timidly. Fuck.

“Like you want me as your boyfriend?” my voice was very low because I was fucking scared. I had finally said it; out loud to Phil.

All I could think was please say yes Phil. Whatever you do don’t say no. If it was anything negative, my heart would be done for.

“Yes please” he squeaked.

My lips quivered but I was smiling looking at the Phil’s perfect face as silent tears ran down my checks.

“You are drunk Phil, are you sure you want to be with me?” I still needed all assurance I could get because after all it had been five years since we have been friend with me being in love with him for pretty much all that time.

I never said anything before because I am a mess and quite frankly Phil can do so much better than settling for me for his boyfriend. So I kept trying and pushing my feeling back and failing. At least I got to have him as my best friend and what’s more I didn’t even have any sexual frustration because of him. Constant heartache was I got in return but I had decided it was little price to pay than loosing Phil completely for the tiny chance that I had of having a real relationship with him.

“Are you sure you won’t think that I am just silly old Dan, your flatmate in the morning?” I questioned.

“You were never just Dan for me. I had realized that even before we met in person. I cannot be surer of waning to be with you Dan.  Please be mine. All mine and nobody else’s. Please.” He actually begged.

There was no way now that my eyes would stop watering any time soon. I hugged him tightly with all the strength I had and didn’t care if I was hurting him because every nerve cell in me stimulated to hold Phil as close as possible and never let him go. It was because I realized how much I need to hear something like that from Phil. I had always hoped, prayed, wished, begged literally at least once everyday for Phil to return my feelings.

“But I am such a mess, Phil.” I managed to choke out. I wanted to get all my insecurities cleared. Or maybe I just wanted to hear Phil say sweet things more. “I am emotionally a wreak. I am so pathetic and you always have to take care of me every few weeks when I fall into another existential crisis. You are the sweetest, kindest person and unbelievably beautiful. Why would you love me? Tell me why you love me Phil”

He was still sniffling a bit but he pulled me closer and managed to say things that made that night the best night of my life.

  Part 2 (for the day after from Phil’s pov)

thewarinthestars  asked:

'My husband's doing me wrong / beating me, cheating me, mistreating me / suddenly he's up and gone / I don't have the means to go on' 'half dressed apologetic a mess she looked pathetic / she cried please don't go sir' 'don't leave me with him helpless' how can anyone blame this woman??????? like damn. Protect her.

RIGHT LMAO alexander is literally there like “bahaha i am UNABLE TO SAY NO TO CHEATING ON MY WIFE” and Maria explicitly states more than once that she’s being abused, and James is clearly abusing her, and sooo many people still see Maria as the one at fault. how and why would you even come to that conclusion

You’re His Best Friend And His Girlfriend Hates You | part 4 |

#4 supernatural preference 

This preference-series turned out wayy longer than I meant it to be but this is the last part, I hope you liked it!
{ also I apologize about Cas’s portion of this preference bc I’ve never written Cas fanfiction before and am not really used to it yet. I promise I’ll get better for next time! }

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 



It didn’t take him long to run after me, Dean wasn’t the kind of guy to leave problems unresolved. His fist banged against my locked door but I made no move towards it. I was curled up on my bed, a blubbering, pathetic mess, hidden under a mountain of blankets and there was no way I was getting up. 

“Y/n, open the door!” He begged, leaning his forehead against it. When I didn’t respond he tried the doorknob again but it was still locked. “C’mon don’t do this to me sweetheart, please!”

“Go away, Dean!” I sobbed. God, what is wrong with me? Why am I being so emotional over this?

“If you don’t open this door then I will, you hear me? I’m not leaving!” What did he mean by that? I lifted my head up to look at the door and waited to see what he would do. There was a clicking sound and the doorknob jiggled, so that’s what he meant. The door opened with the help of a paperclip he used to pick the lock. 

I sat up and glared at him. He stared back, his features tired and worried, the years of stress showing in his eyes as this only added to that weight. I held my breath, the tears in my eyes finally drying up when he walked over to stand by the side of my bed and kissed me hard and passionately. 

I was too stunned to kiss back but too stunned to move away. I had dreamed of this moment for so long but now that it was happening it was so surreal I thought I was dreaming. His lips were soft and I wanted the feeling to never end but I pushed him back to catch my breath. 

“Abigail…” I panted, eyes wide. 

“She’s gone, she’s not coming back.” He assured me. “I love you, Y/n, I’ve always loved you.” 

I didn’t respond with words, I grabbed the sides of his face with my cold hands and pulled him back to my lips. That was all he needed. He pushed me back on the bed lightly, his lips never leaving mine as he crawled on top of me. His legs on either side of my thighs and his hands reaching for the hem of my shirt, I helped him remove the clothing, pulling him against me as soon as it was off. 

“Beautiful, so beautiful…” He mumbled against my neck, trailing kisses down to my collarbone. 

“I couldn’t possibly be beautiful right now, I’ve been crying for like forty minutes.” I giggled, trying to wipe all the mascara off my cheeks. 

“You’re always beautiful to me.” 

As if to prove his point he sat us up, me right between his legs and my back against his T-shirt clad chest, facing the mirror. His eyes held my gaze in our reflection as he continued leaving kisses and love bites all over my neck and shoulders. 

“You don’t have to try to be beautiful, Y/n, you just are.”

It was possibly the sweetest thing a guy had ever said to me and it made me smile. Dean was a sweet talker but this wasn’t that, he meant what he said and I knew that. It felt so right to have him this way, with his hands feeling, touching everywhere and his mouth against my smooth skin. It was good. 

Dean reached behind my back for my bra clasp, his eyes meeting mine again and he raised his eyebrows in question, “this okay?” He asked and I nodded hurriedly. He let the fabric drop and his hands wander, my head falling back to rest on his shoulder. 

“You’e not bothered by Sam and I…?” I asked. 

“Do you love him?” 

“No, I love you.”

“Then no it doesn’t bother me.” 

“You should probably apologize to him.” I suggested. 

“For what?” He asked, surprised. “He messed around with my girl what was I supposed to do?”

“I wasn’t your girl.” I giggled at his defense. 

He thought about that for a moment. “Are you now?”

I smiled at him in the mirror. “I guess I am.”


Confused and heartbroken, I had taken up a friend’s offer to spend a couple nights at her house. I woke up in the morning with horrible headache and puffy eyes from another night of crying but was pleasantly surprised to see she had made breakfast. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. 

We sat at the small dining room table and ate our food in comfortable silence. When the doorbell rang I didn’t think much of it and neither did she as she stood up to answer it.  Immediately I froze, hearing Sam’s voice echoing through the hallway. He sounded worried and tired like he had spent the whole night searching for me. 

My friend argued with him, telling him I didn’t want to see him and to get the hell off her property. They went at it for a while until I decided I should intervene, Sam instantly going quite when he saw me come up behind her. He looked as bad as he sounded but I still thought he was handsome looking. 

“Y/n you don’t have to-”

“It’s fine,” I cut my friend off from defending me. “Wait for me in the kitchen?” She nodded warily but left us alone anyways. I folded my arms across my chest and leaned on one foot impatiently. “So, what do you have to say?” 

“Y/n I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting Mandy control our friendship. You mean more to me than she ever did but I always thought you were too good for me, none of my past relationships have turned out that well and I was afraid to lose you like I lost Jess. Dean always tried to get me to take the next step but I was too scared…” He paused and I about had a damn heart attack when he fell to one knee in front of me, holding out a little box with a ring-pop inside. I couldn’t help but laugh at how cheap and ridiculous it was. “What I’m trying to say is that I was going to marry the wrong girl and I know this isn’t exactly a classy proposal or anything, but it was super last minute… Y/n will you marry me?” 

Goosebumps broke out all over my arms and I was left speechless. Here I was having the worst day of my life, when my best friend shows up in jeans and a flannel down on one knee with a candy ring in a brown box and proposes to me. It would leave most girls repulsed, but not me. I would take Sam Winchester however and whenever he offered as long as it was him. 

“Yes!” I cried, happily. “Oh, my god, Sam yes!” 

The smile on his face was one I hadn’t seen since he told me he was going to propose to Jess. I haven’t seen him this happy in years and now I’m the reason he’s happy. 

He pulled me into a hug and let his lips press into mine, sparks flying instantly and butterflies swarming my stomach. This was perfect. He was perfect. And now, he was mine and I was his. When we finally broke the kiss Sam grabbed my left hand and slipped the watermelon-flavored ring pop onto my ring finger. I giggled and sucked it into my mouth letting Sam take a taste too and in true best-friend fashion we busted out laughing. 

It was the kind of laughter that was uncontrollable and made your stomach muscles ache. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had laughed so hard or felt so happy. So much has happened in both our lives it’s hard to find time to really enjoy the little things. But this wasn’t little, this was huge and my heart swelled with joy.

“I love you, Sammy.” I kissed him again just because I could. He tasted like watermelon flavor. 

Speaking against my lips he said, “I love you too.”  


I was sitting on a bench at an empty park, kicking my find around in the dirt when Cas showed up beside me. I jumped a little, still not used to his random and out-of-the-blue appearances. Instead of slapping him hard across the face like I wanted to, I waited for him to speak up and explain himself. 

“You didn’t let me finish talking, Y/n.” He said.

“Fine. Shoot.” I said, still refusing to look at him. 

“You are closer than a friend to me but not ‘clingy’ as you thought I meant. Dean said the way I feel towards you is love.”

I practically chocked on the air I was so shocked at what he told me. He loved me? Is that even possible for an angel to love a human? My heart was pounding in my chest and I was positive he could hear it. It wasn’t like I reciprocated the feeling but I just thought it could never actually go anywhere, us being two different species and all.

 “You love me?” I had to hear him say it again to know I hadn’t misheard. 

“Yes, I do believe that I do.”

I shook my head and laughed, pressing my forehead into my hands. “That so? Well you know what, Cas? I do believe that I love you too.” 

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You do?”

“Yes, I do.” I giggled, moving to sit in his lap. “What did you tell Julie?”

“Dean suggested I break up with her but I must have done it wrong because she didn’t take it very well.” 

I frowned. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you did fine, she’ll be okay I promise. First breakups are always tough.” 

“It makes it better that you’re here with me.” He paused for a moment like he was thinking hard about something. “Y/n would it be okay with you if I kissed you.”

My eyes widened but I nodded, leaning forward to meet him half way. It felt good to kiss him, his lips were soft and warm and comforting. He wasn’t at all a bad kisser either. When he pulled back I was out of breath and wanting more. 

“Would you go out with me?” He asked.

I grinned, “of course I will!” He smiled and kissed my cheek which led me to giggle and pull him back to my lips. 

People warned me about you before I fell in love with you. “He’s just one guy, it’s only one date, what’s the worst that could happen?” Little did I know. I remember thinking, “Everyone has a past, I’ll give him a chance.”

You were so handsome, such a gentleman, a real charmer. I didn’t understand what my friends were so worried about. So far, so good, you’d given me nothing to be concerned about, no reason to doubt. You always showed up on time with a book or sometimes chocolates, you knew I was never that big on flowers, you said you liked the fact I was so different to the others.

So many days and long nights spent with you, magical, beautiful, out of this world. It’s no wonder I fell madly in love with you. Your hand fit in mine so perfectly, I used to think to myself it was made just for me. That night by the lake when I became yours and you swore you were mine… I’ll never forget it.

I fell so hard, so fast, let’s be honest I was doomed to fall in love with you from the start. That twinkle in your eye, the way I felt on that very first day when you smiled at me, there was something drawing me to you from the get go. If only I showed up to meet my friend a little later that day, I would have missed you completely, never known you, you’d have asked out some other pretty girl and I wouldn’t be sitting at home alone right now trying to forget our love and your existence.

Why didn’t I listen? They all told me from the start that one day you’d end up breaking my heart. Maybe I wanted to believe that for once I could live without fear, I could be happy and in love and never have it end. Oh how silly I was, perhaps if I wasn’t so blinded by you I would have seen it coming sooner. It hurts, damn it, it fucking hurts so much. I love you. I fucking love you, you bastard. I LOVE YOU.

Weeks have passed and I’m still a mess. It’s getting rather pathetic. I want to hate you, I do, yet I can’t stop thinking about you. Everywhere I go I’m reminded of you. I miss you, I don’t want to but I do. I want to move on, I want to forget you but every time I try, I am reminded of something you said or something you did or I remember the way it felt when you’d kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something, god I miss that.

You’ve broken my heart, so why is it that I still keep in touch with our mutual friends just to see how you are? Because I love you, sigh. I wish I didn’t but I do. I still do.


I love you so much I’m sorry I get over sensitive it’s just that I care so much and can’t stop thinking about you.

half of me wants to call you because your voice is so fucking perfect but the other half questions if you’d even answer the phone.

I bite my tongue because you have shown me in the past that my words do not matter.

why do I allow you to have such control over me? will I ever learn? I’m starting to think I won’t.

It was almost how it used to be tonight, until I looked into your eyes and didn’t recognize them.

who knew there was a form of love that could cause me to wonder if anything is even real anymore.


I'know I’m taken for granted but one day you will wake up and I will be done with this bullshit. I promise.

Your eyes are so blue they mimic the Ocean. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m drowning.

This is fucking pathetic.

I don’t remember what my name sounds like coming from your lips.

I think the worst kind of scarring is the invisible kind.

I love you too much.

This is a disaster, I am a mess. I’m so tired and I’m going to collapse, I’ve put all my energy into this for nothing.

I’m so sorry.

—  15 text messages I wanted to send but didn’t
so people have been doing their favourite lines from every song in hamilton and i wanted to do it too


aaron burr sir: “i’m getting nervous” + “you’re an orphan? OF COURSE. I’M AN ORPHAN, GOD, I WISH THERE WAS A WAR THAT WE COULD PROVE THAT WE’RE WORTH MORE THAN ANYONE BARGAINED FOR” + “well if it ain’t the prodigy of Princeton college”

my shot: “you and i, do or die, wait till i sally in on a stallion with the first black battalion” + “burr, check what we got, mister lafayette, hard rock like Lancelot, i think your pants look hot, laurens, i like you a lot” + “a bunch of revolutionary manumission abolitionists” + “I’M PAST PATIENTLY WAITING, I’M PASSIONATELY SMASHING EVERY EXPECTATION, EVERY ACTION’S AN ACT OF CREATION, I’M LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF CASUALTIES AND SORROW, FOR THE FIRST TIME I’M THINKING PAST TOMORROW”

the story of tonight: “tomorrow there’ll be more of us”

the schuyler sisters: “burr, you disguuuuust me” “ah, so you’ve discussed me? im a trust fund, baby, you can trust me” + “AND WHEN I MEET THOMAS JEFFERSON, I'MMA COMPEL HIM TO INCLUDE WOMEN IN THE SEQUEL, WORK!” (fun fact: i started reading common sense by thomas paine just for this song lol)

farmer refuted: “is he in Jersey?” + “DON’T MODULATE THE KEY THEN NOT DEBATE WITH ME!”

you’ll be back: “my sweet submissive subject” + “i will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love”

right hand man: “GEORGE WASHINGTON” + “shboom goes the cannon, watch the blood and the shit spray” + “there’s another ship BOOM we just lost the southern tip” + “YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET, I HAVE SOME FRIENDS, LAURENS, MULLIGAN, MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE, OKAY WHAT ELSE”

a winter’s ball: “wE’RE RELIABLE WITH THE LADIESSSS” + “is it a question of if, burr, or which one?”

helpless: “i’m so into you, i am so into you” + “eliza, i don’t have a dollar to my name, an acre of land, a troop to command, a dollop of fame, all i have’s my honour, a tolerance for pain, a couple'a college credits and my top notch brain” + “and long as i’m alive, eliza, swear to god you’ll never feel so helpless”

satisfied: “i’m sure i don’t know what you mean, you forget yourself” + “so i’m the oldest and the wittiest and the gossip in New York City is insidious, and alexander is penniless…that doesn’t mean i want him any less” + “nice going, angelica, he was right, you will never be satisfied”

the story of tonight (reprise): “raise a glass to freedom, something you will never see again!” + “you are the worst, burr” + “well, iiiiii heard you’ve got a special someone on the siiiiide burr, what’re you tryna hiiiiiide burr” + “she’s married to a british officer.” “oh, shit”

wait for it: “i am the one thing in life i can control, i am inimitable, i am an original, i’m not falling behind or running late, i am not standing still, i am lying in wait” + the rest of the song but i love that bit especially

stay alive: “yeah… he’s not the choice i would have gone with, he shits the bed at the battle of monmouth” + “EVERYONE ATTACK” “RETREAT” “ATTACK” “RETREAT” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING LEE GET BACK ON YOUR FEET” “BUT THERE’S SO MANY OF THEM” “I’M SORRY, IS THIS NOT YOUR SPEED?!”

ten duel commandments: “can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?” “sure!” + “okay…so we’re doing this”

meet me inside: “this should be fun” + “you’re absolutely right, john should have shot him in the mouth, that would have shut him up” + “I AM NOT A MAIDEN IN NEED OF DEFENDING, I AM GROWN” + “go. home.”

that would be enough: “will you relish being a poor man’s wife? unable to provide for your life” “i relish being your wife” + “look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now” + “let this moment be the first chapter, where you decide to stay”

guns and ships: literally all of it except washington’s bit at the end

history has its eyes on you: “let me tell you what i wish i’d known when i was young and dreamed of glory, you have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story” + “but remember from here on in, history has its eyes on you”

yorktown: “immigrants— we get the job done” + “weapon in my hand, a command, and my men with me” + hercules mulligan’s entire rap + “FREEDOM FOR AMERICA, FREEDOM FOR FRANCE”

what comes next: “awesome! wow!”

dear theodosia: “i’m dedicating every day to you, domestic life was never quite my style, when you smile, you knock me out, i fall apart, and i thought i was so smart” + “yeah, you’ll blow us all away, someday”

non-stop: “corruption’s such an old song, we can sing along in harmony and nowhere is it stronger than in albany, this colony’s economy’s increasingly stalling and honestly, that’s why public service seems to be calling me. i practiced the law, i practically perfected it, i’ve seen injustice in the world and i’ve corrected it” + “yO WHO THE EFF IS THIS” + that fucking bit where all the major songs from act 1 are sung together + “I AM ALEXANDER HAMILTON, HAMILTON JUST YOU WAIT”

what’d i miss: “treasury secretary, washington’s the president, every american experiment sets a precedent, not so fast— someone came along to resist him, pissed him off until we had a two party system! you haven’t met him yet, you haven’t had the chance, cause he’s been kickin’ ass as the ambassador to France, but someone’s gotta keep the american promise, you simply must meet thomas— thomas!” + literally the whole song but mostly that lol

cabinet battle #1: “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, we fought for these ideals, we shouldn’t settle for less, these are wise words, enterprising men quote ‘em— don’t act surprised, you guys, cause i wrote 'em” + “damn you’re in worse shape than the national debt is in” + “such a blunder, sometimes it makes me wonder why i even bring the thunder”


say no to this: “half dressed, apologetic, a mess, she looked pathetic”

the room where it happens: “and all he had to do was die” “yeah, that’s a lot less work” “we oughta give it a try” + “really?” + “madison and jefferson are merciless” “well, hate the sin love the sinner” + “well, i arranged the meeting, i arranged the menu, the venue, the seating” + “oh, ho” “a quid pro quo” “i suppose” “wouldn’t you like to work a little closer to home?” “actually i would” “well, i propose the potomac” “and you’ll provide him his votes?” “well, we’ll see how it goes” “let’s go” “noooo” + “my god, in god we trust” + “god help and forgive me, i wanna build something thats gonna outlive me”

schuyler defeated: “no one knows who you are or what you do” “they don’t need to know me, they don’t like you”

cabinet battle #2: “UH WHO PROVIDED THOSE FUNDS??” “…france” + “i’ll remind you that hE IS NOT SECRETARY OF STATE” + “daddy’s calling”

washington on your side: “WHICH I WROTE” + “i have to resign” + “i’m in the cabinet , i am complicit in watching him grabbing at power and kissing it, if washington isn’t gon’ listen to disciplined dissidents, this is the difference, this kid is out!” + “soutHERN MOTHERFUCKING DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS”

one last time: “pick up a pen, start writing!”

i know him: “they will tear each other into pieces, jesus christ, this will be fun!”

the adams administration: “WELCOME FOLKS, TO THE ADAMS ADMINISTRATION” + “jefferson’s the runner up, that makes him the vice president” “washington can’t help you now, no more mister nice president” + “say what”

we know: “though virtue is not a word i’d apply to this situation” + “an immigrant embezzling our government funds” + “ya best gwarn run back where ya come from” + “as you can see, i kept a record of every cheque in my checkered history, check it again against your list n’ see consistency”

hurricane: “i wrote my way out of hell, i wrote my way to revolution, i was louder than the crack in the bell, i wrote eliza love letters until she fell” + “this is the only way i can protect my legacy”

the reynolds pamphlet: i love every single bit of this song

burn: “you built me palaces out of paragraphs, you built cathedrals” + “your sentences border on senseless, and you are paranoid in every paragraph on how they perceive you” + “let future historians wonder how eliza reacted when you broke her heart, you have torn it all apart, i am watching it burn” + “the world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my bed, they don’t get to know what i said”

blow us all away: “how 'bout when i get back, we all strip down to our socks” + “george! george!” “shh, i’m tryna watch a show!” “shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about my father though!” + “i know where to find you, piss off, i’m watching this show now”

stay alive (reprise): “no!” “eliza!” “is he breathing? is he going to survive this? who did this, alexander, did you know?” + eliza’s whole part with philip

its quiet uptown: “and i pray. that never used to happen before” + “you knock me out, i fall apart” + “eliza, do you like it uptown? it’s quiet uptown.” + “look around, look around, eliza” + “there is a grace too powerful to name” + “…it’s quiet uptown” “forgiveness. can you imagine?” + “if you see him in the street, walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity. they are going through the unimaginable.”

the election of 1800: “john adams shat the bed, i love the guy, but he’s in traction; poor alexander hamilton, he is missing in action” + “and they say i’m a Francophile, at least they know i know where France is!” + “aHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT” + “ooh you know what, we can change that! you know why?” “why?” “cause i’m the president.”

your obedient servant: “if you’ve got something to say, name a time and place, face to face” + “here’s an itemised list of 30 years of disagreements” “sweet jesus”

best of wives and best of women: “why do you write like you’re running out of time? come back to bed, that would be enough” + “well, i’m going back to sleep.” + “hey. best of wives and best of women”

the world was wide enough: “WHY? IF NOT TO TAKE DEADLY AIM? IT’S HIM OR ME, THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.” + “eliza! my love, take your time. i’ll see you on the other side. raise a glass to freedom…” + “they say angelica and eliza were both at his side when he died” + “and history obliterates, in every picture it paints, it paints me and all my mistakes”

who lives, who dies, who tells your story: “i couldn’t undo it if i tried… and i tried” + “i rely on angelica, while she’s alive, we tell your story, she is buried in trinity church near you, when i needed her most, she was right on time” + “the ORPHANAGE” + “oh i can’t wait to see you again, it’s only a matter of time” + “will they tell your story? who lives, who dies, who tells your story?”

thesaltyspice-deactivated201612  asked:

I want you to hurt like I do + Michael please babe (I may right my own version later but I'm so tired lol)

(lol it’s cool babe i got you, also hi i miss you)

The banging on your door causes your eyebrows to furrow. You glance at your phone, the time being 20:02 and you rack your brains for any plans you may have forgotten about, already having a half formed apology on your lips as you pull open the door.

Except it dies when you find Michael standing there instead of one of your friends.

“What are you doing here?” You plan for the words to come out harsh and bitter, but your voice cracks and it sounds more pathetic than anything else.

“Why aren’t you affected by this like I am?” He asks, his voice more cracked and broken than your own. His eyes are bloodshot and you can smell the alcohol on him. “Why are you so okay with all of this?”

“Michael you’re drunk.” You sigh, pulling him gently by the sleeve into your flat. “Go sit down, I’m calling Ashton.”

“How are you so calm? I think about you and I’m a mess and seeing you right now is killing me, how are you so fine?” He questions, shuffling over to where you were previously sitting whilst you grab your phone, finding Ashton’s number and dialling quickly. Just as he answers, Michael speaks again. “I want you to hurt like I do.”

Ashton speaks but your breath hitches, eyes on Michael who looks so broken and small on your sofa.

“Y/N? Hello? Y/N?” Ashton calls. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” You shake your head, tearing your eyes away from Michael and walking away into your kitchen. “Well, actually no. No, it isn’t. Mike’s here and he’s drunk and Ash he’s a mess and I can’t deal with this. He’s asking me why I’m not affected when it’s killing me, but I can’t get back together with him. I can’t be in this relationship with him any more.”

“I’m on my way.” He sighs as you breath in relief. “Just, hang on until I get there okay? I’m sorry.”

“Just, hurry. Please.” You hang up then, turning around to find Michael staring at ou wide eyed in the doorway. “Mikey-”

“I’m so fucking in love with you and you don’t even care.” He spits, suddenly angry. You sigh, moving past him as you try to find something to do whilst waiting for Ashton. “Why can’t you care?”

“I do care alright? I do care.” You snap at him, whirling around to glare at the taller boy. “I care more than you fucking know, and it sucks because dammit Michael you were supposed to be it for me and you weren’t. So stop telling me I don’t care and I’m not hurting when I am. I just can’t afford to let it stop me from living, because if I do I’ll fall apart and I don’t want to do that, especially not in front of you. So just go sit down and wait for Ashton to come and get you.”

You storm into your room, not moving until you hear a knock on the door and the two boys leave fifteen minutes later. Ashton texts you to say sorry, but you don’t respond, finally letting the tears flow. Because of course you hurt like Michael did. How could you not when you lost the love of your life.

breakup!5sos night with @felicityash

Fight For Love 4

Here’s part four, I hope you like it, sorry its quite long: 

Shawn lowers me into the passenger seat of his black BMW. My whole body tingles as he leans over me so that he can strap me in, he is literally inches away and I have to fight the urge to reach out and touch his face…it looks so soft. It reminds me of a marshmallow and the image of Shawn with a marshmallow head sends me into a fit of raucous laughter. This makes Shawn move away from me. He’s got his hand on the car roof and is leaning into the door to look at me. Shawn is carefully studying me.

 “What?” I manage to murmur.

He sighs and leans further into the car. His big hand gently cups my cheek and his thumb softly caresses the skin just below my eye. I want to speak, in my mind I’m screaming. It’s killing me inside, why is he doing this? He can’t do touch me so tenderly and look at me like he’s in awe when he doesn’t love me. He hates me, I remind myself; it’s the drugs. I’m hallucinating it’s probably disgust in his eyes, at how pathetic I am without him. How even after he’s rid himself of me he is somehow cleaning up after my mess.

“Nothing.” He mumbles, and then “Just I’m sorry. I’m going to get you home and put you to bed, alright.”

I just nod. My head hurts. Shawn closes the door and hoes around to the driver’s side. I must have trembled when he opened the door because when he sits down Shawn shrugs of his maroon zippy and carefully moves my body forward so that he can drape it around my shoulders.

___ ___ ___

It’s silent. Silent and dark. My head simultaneously hurts and feels fuzzy. Like something’s clogging it. The memories flood back to me, the party, the blonde guy, Shawn. Shawn. I force my drooping eyes open and I take in my surroundings. Its pitch black outside but the road and the surrounding bits of pathetic grass that run alongside the road are all lit up by and endless stream of tail-lights. I feel Shawn hoddie draped around my shoulders, no doubt that without it I’d me cold. I unclick but seatbelt as it obvious we aren’t moving anytime soon and slip my arms through the sleeves of the hoodie. As I do so Shawn looks over at me in surprise, “You’re awake!” From the way he says it I assume that the concept makes him uneasy.

I nod. “How long have I been asleep?”

“About forty-five minutes.” He replies.

Shit, I think. We’re only about a ten minute drive from the apartment but I have a feeling that it’s going to take us a lot longer than that to get there, judging by how the road is practically gridlocked.

“Do you know what’s happened?” I mumble. I’m having problems getting my words out.

“Nope, I’m hoping we’ll get going again soon.”

I nod and press my forehead to the passenger window. I close my eyes. This car is new, I wonder if it was a gift from the label or if he brought it himself. I suck in the scent of knew car, although it’s already been tinged by Shawn. It smells slightly like muffins. There are certain things in this world that will always remind me of Shawn, even if I never see him again after tonight, and muffins are one of them. A happy grin rolls over my face and I bring my scorching hand up and press it against the icy window. My eyes flutter open and I smile up at the stars. They seem to infatuate me lately, yet I have no clue as to why. Although I can’t help but think that they too are one of the things that will always remind me of Shawn and of that magical night three weeks ago, when it seemed like I could have, do or be anything. The night I was invincible.

But then I lost Shawn.   

The pain is overwhelming; I’m in such a close proximity to him. His essence is over powering, it’s beckoning to me. I filled with the unquenchable urge to lean over and kiss him. To run my fingers through his hair, peck kisses of adoration all along his collar bone and neck; even plant a hickey or two to mark my territory. But I can’t and it kills me. He isn’t mine to mark anymore. My face crumples and an onslaught of tear threaten to follow suit. I plead with myself to get a grip because Shawn can’t see me breakdown like this, he lost the right to see the vulnerable half of me when he walked away. Thanks to that blonde jerk he already thinks that I’m pathetic, I need him to think I’m strong. So I suck in a deep breath to calm myself and I blink back tears.

“You okay?” Shawn asks, glancing over.

“Yeah, fine!” I nod a little too enthusiastically. Shawn grimaces; it’s the kind of look he got when he was withholding something. “What?” I say. The sharp edge in my voice surprises me.

“It’s just… I can’t believe how stupid you were out there. I mean come on, Y/N! You know better than to accept a drink that already been opened, especially of a stranger. I mean if I hadn’t been there… you could of- could have been…” His lips refuse to say that word.

Anger swells up inside of me, “Go on say it.” I vehemently hiss. “Raped. I could have been raped Shawn.”

Despite the pained expression that crosses his face, I find that I can’t care less about how Shawn feels. I’m furious. How dare he walk out on me, give me no explanation at all; then four days later turn up and play the hero. Does he expect me to throw myself at him? Does he expect me to shower him with compliments and tell him that I’ll be eternally grateful? Because before, if I was face to face with him that’s all I would of done: would have told him I love him, instantly forgave him and forget all of the heartache that he caused me- for no apparent reason other than hate. But now that he’s here, in the flesh I find myself loathing him. He’s acting like nothing has happened, like it wasn’t four days ago that he tore open the seams that held together my heart and torched them.

“Don’t talk like that Y/N.”

The warning in his voice only serves in making me angrier, “Just stop it!” I cry. My voice cracks and Shawn turns to stare, wide-eyed at me. His brown eyes are wide with surprise.  When he says nothing I continue. There is so much that I have to say to him: I want to tell him how much I hate him. I need to tell him how much I love him. But most of all I need to ask him why. Why he left so suddenly, what did I do that was so awful, that it drove him away?  “Don’t act like you care Shawn.” I say as tears spill down my cheeks and the fire of rage fills me. “We both know that you don’t and no one else is here so you don’t need to pretend.” I’m mad at myself for crying because now he sees how vulnerable I am, so I viciously wipe the tears away from my cheeks to the point where it hurts. I want to hide from him, from everyone. I’m going to build walls that are so high not even sunlight will shine over them.

He whispers, “Y/N, don’t tell me that I don’t care.”  Shawn won’t meet my eyes; instead he just glares at the car in front of us. If he looks hard enough he might set it alight.

“Well you don’t!” I accuse, wiping my nose on the sleeve of his hoddie. “If you cared you wouldn’t have left like that!” My voice breaks repetitively but I’m too angry to care.

“It’s not that simple.” Shawn mumbles, still refusing to meet my gaze.

I lose it and scream at him, “Just stop Shawn!”

 All of a sudden I feel weary. I’m tired of everything and I want nothing more than to go home. I’m tired and my head is in agony, I’m freezing but somehow still glazed in sweat and my whole body is trembling. I must be starting to come down from whatever drug that blonde guy slipped me, I grimace at the thought because it will probably only get worse from here. “Just stop. I really don’t want to hear it Shawn. Can you just tell me why?”

Shawn’s face is now entirely hidden from me. He’s looking up, out of his own window. What is it about the stars, why does everyone find them so mesmerising? It’s their beauty, I suppose.                                                 But to Shawn and me they hold a deeper meaning. They symbolise a time when we felt as though we were truly great, when we thought no one could touch us. A time when we were invincible.

Then when I notice the slight tremble in his shoulders, all the contempt, the hate and the anger I was harbouring for him slip away. Deep anxiousness replaces them. The only thing that interrupts the silence is the steady thrum of the cars stagnant engine. All the worries and concerns I have about my current state of drug induced lala, I push to the side.

Now everything is about Shawn. I sit-up on my knees and I lean towards him, I hesitate for a second, scared to touch him. I brush aside the foolish thought hand rest my hand on his broad shoulder. “Shawn?” I whisper questionably. The night illuminates his broad figure, casting a haunting beauty upon the scene.

I know that he hates to cry in front of people, it’s a trait we share.

I’m so wrapped in concern I even forget that I can no longer address him the same way I used to. I reach round and cup his tensed cheek but as I try to turn him so that he’s facing me he refuses. “Baby, please.” The fear in my voice is apparent. After a moment of pause Shawn unclenches his Jaw and allows me to turn him.

I sit back on my knees and drink him in with my eyes. Watery trails stain each of his cheeks and the underneath of his eyes are ready and puffy. I can see the restraint in his eyes as he struggles to fight back his tears.

“You know that I’m sorry right? It was never in my intentions to hurt you. I meant what I said that night.”

Instantly I know what night he’s referring to. It’s my turn to look away now. I gaze at my knees and swallow the lump in my throat, my mind drifts back to my ring on the dresser at home. It’s cold in the car so I pull the hoddie tighter into me.

“Do you remember when you met Darcus Beese?”

I nod but don’t look up; he was the guy who signed Shawn and one of the co-presidents of Island Records.

“Do you remember his daughter?” His voice is measured and controlled, which is strange for Shawn.

I look up now; I wonder what all of this possibly has to do with Shawn leaving me though. “Yes.” I say dryly, “Isn’t she the girl who spilled coffee down me?” I remember her very clearly once I think about it. Suddenly a feeling of dread fills me, had Shawn really left me for her? Was he really that heartless; that driven by his desire for success. My hair was shielding my faces as I ferociously fought back the urge to cry. I couldn’t blame him really, he was way, way out of my league and they would be much better suited, although I thought she might have been a little too fake for his preferences.

The day I met her she was in an overly tight white crop top that showed of her impressive, yet fake cleavage and also her sapphire belly piercing and dark blue denim skinnies. Her complexion had been orange; although I have no idea what it would have been before the entourage of fake tan and her hair was made up of platinum blonde extensions that fell in loose curls to her hips. And not to sound like a bitch but her make-up looked worse than when Skylnn did Nash’s. 

Shawn’s husky voice brought me back into the cold car. I pulled the hoddie up to my face; finding comfort in it scent. We’d moved a few feet but were still once again. “Well about a week before I ended things with you she came to talk to me.”

Pain and tears contorted my face and Shawn wouldn’t look at me. This explained it all, he’d been so tired the week leading up to our breakup, coming home at absurd hours of the night, and I’d just assumed he was working late in the studio. I was an idiot. They probably laughed at me behind my back, I regret asking now. It was far less painful when I didn’t know.

Realisation dawns on Shawn’s previously confused face, “No!” He exclaims, “No, never! Have you seen her? I mean not to sound catty but she has NOT. GOT. THE. BOOTY.”

Somehow in the midst of everything Shawn can still put a smile on my face, “I don’t get it. If you weren’t cheating one me, then what does she have to do with it?” I flinch at the sharp pain in my head and grit me teeth, Shawn is looking at me with concern etched on his strong features but I shrug it off.

“She did come onto me though. She told me how much she loved me, even said she’d been to Magcon when she was younger. At first I thought that she was just being friendly, y’know I thought she would just be like all of the fans. Maybe ask for a hug or a pic for Instagram but she literally backed me into a corner and tried to stick her tongue in my mouth.” The silence around us was thick and heavy. But most of all silent, the sluggish thrum of the engine just added to the tension. “I pushed her away of course; I reminded her that I had a girlfriend.” Shawn paused drawing in a breath. “You should have seen her Y/N, it was disgusting. Turns out ‘daddy’s little princess’ isn’t very familiar with the term no. She yelled at me and threatened to have me dropped from the label, she said she could ruin my career and I have no doubt about that. She could and she would.”

When he said that I look up, startled, “Shawn…you did the right thing.” It hurts like hell to admit it, but it would hurt even more if I was the one that prevented him from reaching his dreams. I want Shawn to have everything that he’s ever dreamed of. Because when it boils right down to it I love him. And when you love someone you want them to be happy, even if it means that you have to let them go. “I just wished you’d told me straight up, that’s all.”

But he shakes his head, Shawn looks and sounds disgusted. “You think that I would dump you because some L.A princess told me to? Do you… I mean did you… really think that little of us… of me?”

Tears prick my eyes once more and this time I leave them be, they can flow their course. “It’s your dream, no one would blame you.”

“Jesabelle, that’s her name, told me that she’d sign both Jacob and Aaliyah to the label. But then, once they’d produced an albums worth of songs, gotten fans hyped, she would makes sure the label dumped them, and that the fans turned against them.” He paused to shudder as the memory filled him, and then continued. “Jacob’s old enough to understand I could explain this all to him… but Aaliyah…” His voice cracked at the sound of his sister’s name. She’s only ten, and playing her like that is so sick that my gut twists… actually I’m not sure the nausea is metaphorical; my hands are shaking uncontrollably and the sweat is lathering my body. I’ve gone from freezing to boiling, so I pull of Shawn’s hoodie and discard it in the back seat. Shawn’s eyes skim over me but I think he accepts that my come down will get worse before it gets better.    

“That’s so twisted, but you honestly did do the right thing.” I managed to choke out.

Our eyes suddenly locks, “How have the past four days been for you?” he asks quietly.

I seriously consider lying, but my head hurts too much to deal with thoughts so I just whisper a truthfully answer. “Awful. I only left the house because Sam was convinced I’d become an agoraphobic…what about you?” I ask him; despite the fact I’m terrified that he’ll say he’s been fine. 

Shawn chuckled, “Me to. I haven’t been to the studio in four days. I really can’t face her.” Shawn spits her name, “Funnily enough I only left the house because Nash was convinced that I’d become an agoraphobic.”

I grinned at him, but words unsaid still hung heavily in the air. I fact they filled the entire car, almost chocking me, until Shawn said them, regardless of the way his voice broke as he spoke his word were crystal clear. “I love you. Through all of this, I never stopped loving you…I hope you know that.”

Joyful tears sprung from my eyes and I nodded exuberantly because now I did know and I felt foolish for doubting him. I leap at him. Our lips crash together in a sloppy, hungry, wet kiss that is fuelled by lust. I haven’t been this close to him in four days but it seems like a lifetime. Shawn big hands scour my body, they travels from my breasts to my waist as Shawn pulls me closer, onto his lap. I grind on the growing bulge in his pants, erecting a moan from him. The sound is better, and more pleasing than any song he’ll ever produce, I grin into the kiss. Then the worst thing happens, my stomach growls.

Instantly I pull away and throw myself back into my own seat as warm saliva fills up my mouth. “What’s wrong?!” Shawn yelps, alarmed by my sudden change in behaviour. I hurl myself from the still car, it’s new and I don’t want to damage the upholstery. The night is freezing despite how welcoming it looked from inside the car. My body gives out after I’m a couple of steps into the grass that lines the side of the road. I fall, trembling, onto my hands and knees. Suddenly Shawn’s there, one of his big hands holds my hair back from my face while the other gently caresses my back. He mumbles soothing nothings to me as I spill my guts on the side of the road.

___ ___ ___


15 minutes after the unfortunate vomiting incident and we’re home. I unlock the apartment door and allow Y/N to stumble, barefoot over the threshold. I removed her ridiculous heels after she threw-up, brandishing them a health hazard.

I can’t help the huge smile that’s plastered on my face when I look up and she’s leaning on the wall practically asleep. “Come on, I should put you to bed.”

I take her hand gently, she’s in such a state I’m terrified that I’ll hurt her. She looks so delicate, like a drunk porcelain doll. The sweat and trembling’s subsided but she’s still freezing and I’m worried that she’ll be sick again.

I lead Y/N into the bathroom and help her to sit down on the floor, she mumbles something to me but the only word I can make out is bed. I crouch down beside her and brush the hair out of her face, “Soon baby, soon. I’ve just got to check something first, I need you to stay awake for me, okay?”

I take the grunt she emits as a yes, and then I pull out my phone and dial Cam.

Cameron: Hey man, how’s Y/N? Is she alright.

Me: Yeah I think she’s okay. I just need some advice…

Cameron: Sure, what’s up?

Me: She threw up on the way home and I’m worried she might throw-up again in her sleep, but I can’t keep her awake much longer. I don’t know what to do man.

Cam is the eldest in the group and probably the most brotherly, so I’ve always looked to him for advice. I can here muffled voices as he confers with someone, most likely Nash.

Cameron: The way I see it you’ve got two options. You can either put her to bed and stay up all night with her, or you can get her to stick her fingers down her throat. Y’know put her to bed with an empty stomach.

Me: Alright, thanks man. I’ll call you tomorrow and fill you in on how she’s doing.


I practically have to haul Y/N over to the toilet and position her so she’s kneeling down over it. I grimace, I wish I could rewind to the last time I saw her on her knees like this. The result was much more pleasing. I shake away the thought; it’s the last thing I need distracting me right now.

“Baby, can you hear me? I need you to make yourself sick, okay?” She hears me but she doesn’t understand. I curse under my breath, I really don’t want to have to do it myself… but then again if I don’t and she chokes…

I shake my head and tell myself to suck it up. I remind myself that it’s my fault she’s in this state. I never should have left her. Earlier when I came into the garden to catch my breath and saw that prick touching her I was livid. I was livid to the point that it scared me; I kept hitting him and hitting him. I mean if Jack and Nash hadn’t of pulled me of I don’t know if I would have stopped. I promised that I’d protect her and I broke it and it killed me to know that she could have been…

I do it and her body springs to life. She leans forward and clutches the toilet bowl, her lean figure trembles as the bile rises up from her throat. I watch rubbing her back and mumbling soothing things to try and make the experience more comfortable, as stupid as that might sound.

Eventually, once I’ve vigorously washed my hands, twice, and made sure that Y/N is vomit free I haul her up of the floor and do my best to scrub of her makeup before I wash out her mouth with Listerine and lead her, half-asleep into the bedroom.

The bedroom just how I remember it, she’s made the bed since we broke up. But the wardrobe and chest of draws are exactly the same as they were four days ago. I don’t turn the light on in case the brightness hurts her eyes, instead I work by starlight. I pull her black dress over her head. I suddenly stop and the dress slips from my fingers, my eyes run over her curves and I’m practically drooling, she’s got on the underwear I like most on her, it’s bra and thong she brought in Paris. With a great deal of will I banish those thoughts from my mind, we’ve only been apart for four days but it honestly seems a lot longer. I’m hungry for her. I rummage through the draws and find a tank top; I undo her bra and pull the tank over her head. I don’t let my eyes skim over her breast because I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself. Then I find a pair of her tracksuit bottoms, I whip of her thong, and struggle, but eventually manage to get her into the trackies.

I walk her over to the bed and lay her down, my gaze wafts over her as I draw up the covers and plant a soft kiss on her forehead. A soft noise leaves her lips and then she’s asleep. All of my clothes have been removed from the premises so I strip down to my star-y boxers and hop in beside her. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her smaller body into mine, to hold her again is everything. The hole in my chest is has vanished and I find myself not caring about anyone but her. Not Jacob, not Aaliyah. Right now Y/N is the only thing that matters. She is going to be in my life and no one can stop that.




this is kind of pathetic and kind of triumphant all at the same time, and this is why

my job right now is a housekeeper for the local resort. you’d think that after i spend all day cleaning up other people’s messes, i’d get home and be all “i can’t stand this mess!” and keep things clean and etc etc but really what happens is i get home, look at everything, and just want to break down and cry because i am so. sick. of. cleaning.

i’m not going to talk about how there are five other people living in the house right now doing the same as me: not cleaning up after themselves.

anyway it’s kind of pathetic that this was all i could bring myself to do tonight after work, but i did it. the basket that remains on the couch, rather than in the laundry room, because it is the Ever-Loving Sock Basket, which i hate with a fiery passion.

i went through and matched all the ones i could, but obviously there are some left behind. i threw away all of the ones with holes in them, and my brothers can pitch a hissy fit all they want but seriously this family needs some new socks i mean fersrs. at least i can tell which ones are mine because i buy ~colorful socks~ but no one else seems to follow my shining example, so it’s sort of hard to guess because my mom and my bros all wear boring white hanes??? i can tell dad’s apart because they are for his diabetes, and mom’s usually have pink lining, but trying to figure out which ones belong to which brother is a lost cause.

i put benny’s timeline poster up on the wall behind the door so it wouldn’t keep falling on people’s heads and losing pictures.

yay me~

anyway i am going to try and do more ufyh because i need to and tumblr is going to hold me accountable for it. if you get disgusted with the sad, sad state i am living in, bite me.

have a good night! 

In defense of Sansa Stark.

Whenever I talk about Game of Thrones with friends and this character comes up, there’s always some form of groan followed by “Ugh, she’s so pathetic”.

I’ll admit, Sansa did annoy me a little in the first series and the first book, because she was mean to her sister and was obsessed with Joffrey even though he was a dickface blahblahblah.

But do you know why she acted like that? Because she was a TEENAGE GIRL. And teenage girls have crushes on douchebags and argue with their sisters. Shock horror, I know. She is only 14 when married to Tyrion, and everything silly or immature she does, she does because she is a CHILD.

Even so, over the last few series, Sansa has undergone immense emotional growth, and become a very clever, underestimated character capable of manipulating Joffrey into fighting in the Vanguard at the blackwater, second-guessing Littlefinger’s plans and retaining her composure in despite of everything that she has been through. Let’s examine…

She’s alone. The only character in the entire show that actually has no one she can trust, or talk too properly. Arya has had Syrio, Gendry, Yoren, Jacqu’en…

She believes her entire family to be dead, she’s married to a member of the family that killed them, and the people who she thinks she can start to build a friendship with are, in fact, only ever using her…

Margery- only befriends her to find how best to play Joffrey

Ser Dontos- was littlefinger’s pawn. (At least in the TV series)

Lysa- Physically assaults her and shows her no love.



She’s suffering from immense post-traumatic stress disorder.

She saw her father’s head cut off, was almost raped and was physically and mentally abused by Joffery for months. That in a modern context would mess someone up for their whole lives. When people complain about her being pathetic, I want to slap them in the face because she has been through the most of any Game of Thrones character and she is still alive, and thriving.

And let me tell you why…

Tyrion respects her.

He, being pretty much the most intelligent guy in King’s landing, recognises that she doesn’t love Joffrey, and asks her ‘Do you want an end to this engagement?’ to which she replies ‘I am loyal to my beloved Joffrey’ which inspired many groans BUT what we didn’t realise is she’s PLAYING THE GAME and she knows at that point that staying loyal to Joffery is the safest thing to do. And you know what Tyrion says? ‘Lady Stark, you may survive us yet.’

She wears a lady’s courtesy like armour.

After the red wedding, the Lannisters had no reason to keep her alive. She wasn’t any value as a hostage any more, why not excecute her on some trumped-up charge? Because they believe that she isn’t a threat. She has deceived them so well, and managed to go unnoticed, enabling her to eventually escape.

She undergoes immense personal growth in every appearance, but get this, uses the façade of her former, naïve self as a defence mechanism; this is displayed in the most recent episode of GoT (or if you’re reading this in the future, Series 4 episode 6).

Lysa is going all psycho on Sansa, accusing her of sleeping with Littlefinger (srsly) and twisting her wrist so that it hurts, and Sansa comes out with ‘I’m a stupid girl with stupid dreams who never learns and I should never lie because I’m rubbish at lying” Now, that first line sounds familiar because she’s actually quoting herself from season 3- and one very skilled method of lying or persuasive talking is to open with something that’s true, because it lends feasibility to the rest of the argument. Sansa is a very, very good liar. She’s had to pretend to be in love with Joffrey for the best part of a year!

She remains good. As in, an actual good person.

She saves the life of Ser Dontos, calms down a room of frightened women at the battle of blackwater, and defends Tommen when he cries at his sister’s leaving King’s landing.

Maisie Williams commented in an interview recently that people may not like Arya so much after this series, and she does seem to be becoming more and more cold, whereas Sansa is retaining her humanity beautifully.

Feel free to argue with me, but ultimately, I think that Sansa is disliked so much because she’s a girl, and she acts like it. She doesn’t have dragons, or a sword teacher, or the entire court at her command, she is armed only with her airs and graces but has managed to endure and survive. She is going to be very, very dangerous now that she’s free.

Ashton: I Miss You

Summary: Ashton has just completed a six month word tour with his band 5 Seconds of Summer, but one Skype call before he is supposed to arrive home, he tells you it will be another three weeks. The Irwin household has never been the same after Ashton found you in the restroom passed out, and blame of him being gone suddenly is all blamed on you.

Word Count: 2,600+ (2,642 exact)

Requested: Nope

Accepting Request: Yes, please?

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