why am i stuck on the other part of the planet

Rocket Men: Part One

Summary: Internationally celebrated crew of Patriot Three, a rag-tag group of astronauts, assimilate back into life on Earth after months in space.

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson, Chris “Thor” Odinson, Tom “Loki” Odinson, Wanda Mamixoff, Scott Lang, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, and more.

Warnings: space related nerdery, violence, sex, drugs, drinking, cheating, lying, humor, angst, language, sadness, happiness, and more. Reader beware.

Author’s Note: Well, well, well. Here we are, sitting on the brink of the future. I (among of a bunch of you) am obsessed with space. I wanted to be an astronaut as a child but it turns out, you have to like… know stuff… to go to space so I will forever be stuck to planet Earth. So, second best, you get a series where I live out my fantasies of being apart of the NASA/Space exploration family.

Please note: This series is set in the year 2060 and it is really, really, really the definition of an “au” (alternate universe), so much so… you could call it… original content. **GASP.**

I got a lot of feedback about this series and I am super excited to see it come to life. Not only will I be posting the main story line, I will be creating other things to really bring my ‘verse to life like: interviews with the astronauts, profiles, letters, articles, etc.

I’m sorry @vintagevalentinexx. <3

Enjoy, Earthlings. -Ash

Keep reading

My Fake Boyfriend Epilogue

Summary: After receiving a very rude letter of your ex on the mail saying that he is going to get married. You see yourself not knowing what to do, you can just let it go or accept the help of your hot neighbor and pretend he is your boyfriend.

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 1645

Warnings:, A lot of fluffy.

@drinkfantasy thank you so much for being my beta. You are the best. And thank you @amrita31199 .

You look at yourself in the mirror, fixing your makeup. You can’t believe that this day is finally here, today is the day that you would become Mrs. Barnes. After a year of dating and a six-month engagement, this day is finally here.

“Don’t you look precious?”. Your grandmother remarks , turning around you smile at her , drying the tears on her face. “Please, don’t cry, if you start crying I will start crying too… again and this would be the third time today.” She smiles at you, you can see the pride in her eyes. “Are you nervous? Marriage is a big deal, I wanted to run away on my second marriage.” She says taking a sip of her glass of champagne.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, I love Bucky and I trust him with my life.” You calmly respond and it is true, you don’t doubt Bucky’s love for you. Other things might scare you but never your love for Bucky.

Keep reading

Humans are weird: The Forgotten World

*Quick note before I start: This is the 2nd installment in a series I’ve called the Lost Colonies which is largely about human society adapting to the strange environments of other worlds. You can read the other installments here: 13, 4, 5, 6, 7. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing this series, but with my new work schedule I had to bring it to a close. If you’ve enjoyed this story follow me on here for my other writings. Thanks again to everyone who has reblogged, liked, replied, DMed, or otherwise shown their appreciation for this series. It means a lot to me that people enjoyed it and the love you’ve all shown me has really helped keep me going for these last few months.*

Jeanne had been sitting for nearly half an hour in stony silence glaring at the Turic across from her. She had been in interrogation rooms before, never one this nice though. Her eyes kept taking in the room any time he looked away as she scanned for anything she could use as a weapon. She had never had to fight a Turic, or any alien really, but it paid to be prepared.

“Are you sure I can’t get you anything? Food? Water? Our scans indicate that you are lacking in several nutrients required by humans for optimal health.”

The door opened and a human woman she didn’t recognize came in. Of course they would use a human to be the “bad cop”. Well this slag wouldn’t get anything out of her.

“Thank’s for keeping her company Kit’cha, took forever to get here.” The woman smiled at the Turic and they did some kind of secret handshake before the Turic left the room. The woman turned to Jeanne and smiled again before sitting down. “Sorry to keep you waiting Miss…” she glanced at the file on the desk “Jeanne. Do you have a last name or something you prefer to be called?”

Jeanne met the questions with more silence.

“I understand that re-acclimating to interstellar society can be rough, but that’s why I’m here. My name is Kiara Williams and I am the special liaison between the galactic council and what’s being called ‘The Lost Colonies’. I just want to assure you that we’re all here to help and you don’t have to be scared of any of the alien races you’ll see aboard this station, they’re all friendly, especially the Turics like Kit’cha.”

Jeanne settled back into her surprisingly comfortable chair with her arms folded and glared at Kiara. It had taken her years to perfect this look and it felt like a waste to use it on someone as soft as her, but she knew better than to give any information to a cop, or worse, a shrink. Kiara, for her part, just smiled again and made a note in the file.

“I get it, I do. Finding out that there are other alien races out there and that you’re part of a larger galactic community can be a little jarring. When my colony was found it took years for some of my closest family to warm up to those outside our species, but now that we’ve opened up to the galactic community we’ve managed to make huge strides in settling worlds that were previously thought to be inhospitable and exploring some of the unknown reaches. We don’t know much yet about your colony, but I’m sure we can learn a lot from each other.”

Jeanne ground her teeth together as she mulled over what Kiara had said. There was a long moment of silence before Jeanne finally spoke.

“I already know about the aliens, and about other humans, never saw them of course. You keep saying lost colony and shit. Are you telling me you don’t know why we were on that planet?”

Kiara shook her head and spun the file around so Jeanne could read it. “From what I was told on my way here, there was an underground human colony detected on a planet orbiting a red dwarf star. Apparently the communication array was destroyed several hundred Sols ago and the surface was inhospitable to human life due to the high levels of radiation from the nearby star. We only detected it due to the unique formations on the surface that corresponded to human architecture. We assumed that it was a self sustaining scientific outpost that had managed to get stranded. As usual the rest of the search team was surprised anyone could live there until they realized that it was humans. It’s unfortunate that we don’t have records of your colony though.”

Jeanne narrowed her eyes but uncrossed her arms as she looked over the file. Either this Kiara was one helluva bullshit artist or they genuinely didn’t know what PX-9 was.

“We were never a research colony or any of that shit. PX-9 is blacksite prison run by EarthGov. My father says that the warden robots destroyed the comms array and the transport during a riot a few generations back. We’ve been stuck on that prison ever since. A few riots later and we managed to take out the warden robots too. That was a long time ago. Doesn’t matter though. We found the databases and prison logs. According to EarthGov law, anyone born in that prison is automatically guilty of their parent’s crimes so I’m stuck there. You seem like a nice person. You should probably take me back before they find a reason to lock you up too, if they haven’t already.”

Kiara’s jaw dropped as she tried to gather her thoughts. “I’m so sorry Jeanne, both your people and to you personally. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be born into that, but I want you to know that you don’t have to go back if you don’t want. No one will make you. EarthGov hasn’t existed for over 200 Sols.”

From the outside Jeanne appeared as composed as she had all day. Someone who knew her well enough would have recognized the twitch in her lip and would have known to take a few steps back. On the inside her heart was pounding and her mind was racing. What did she mean EarthGov didn’t exist? Jeanne had spent a long time learning to read people, it was an important skill to have when you needed to know who you could trust in a fight. Kiara didn’t seem to be lying about any of this. Could she trust Kiara? IF she could trust Kiara, what would happen to the people on PX-9 once whatever government was in place found out about it? “Suppose I believe you. What now? What happens to me and my family?”

Kiara smiled again, a hint of sadness in her eyes. “When EarthGov fell we lost a lot of records of colonies, research outposts and apparently prisons as well. Most of them still had communications, but some either lost them or purposefully never set them up to avoid the government so we keep finding pockets of humanity in the most surprising places. I was on one of those planets 20 sols ago and ever since I’ve been one of the specialists they call in to help people find their way in the galactic community. I don’t know yet where we can send you if you don’t want to stay on PX-9 though there are plenty of beautiful worlds I’ve found that could use the ‘human touch’ if you and your family are willing. First though, we would like to know more about you and your society.”

“Leaving would be… good. I want that in writing.”

Kiara nodded “Will do. I’ll send a message to my contacts on the galactic council and get set up with some priority transport ships to get as many people offworld as want to leave. We’ll find a planet that will work for you and your people. Several if necessary. Also I can personally guarantee you that no one will be held accountable for the actions of their ancestors, that’s just not the way we do things anymore.”

“What- What if” Jeanne’s voice broke for a moment as some darker thoughts came rushing in. “What if we did some things that might be against the law of your galactic council. I’m not saying I did, just that suppose someone like me had to do something, something they’re not proud of, in order to get by. What then?”

Kiara thought for a moment before finally speaking. “We haven’t run into this situation before. PX-9 is the first, and hopefully only, prison colony we’ve found so far. I would hope though that we can use this to set a positive precedent and grant some kind of clemency for people unjustly imprisoned by a defunct government. I’ll have to get clearance but as long as someone that ‘had to do certain things in order to get by’ is able to abide by the laws of the Galactic Republic then I think we should be able to work something out.”

The only thing holding Jeanne together at this point was a lifetime of conditioning to suppress her emotions.

“I still have a few cycles before we’re back in comms range of the council so we’ve got some time. I understand you’ve got a lot to process so if you don’t want to talk that’s fine but at some point before you leave I’d like to know more about you and your society. It will help us find out how to best help you find your place in the galaxy.”

Jeanne’s mouth twitched up, starting to form a smile. She stood up from the table and took Kiara’s hand. “Get it for me in writing shrink. Then we’ll talk.”

Langst Mini Fic #3 (Part 1)

Idea: Emotional Imbalance

“Pardon me but I have a question about your Blue Paladin…was he…a victim of torture?”

Allura and Shiro both stopped their movements when they heard the question. They both stiffened from where they were sitting when the question finally registered in their minds. Why would he ask something like that?

They landed on a planet that the Paladins dubbed as the alien version of “Avatar”. Hunk briefly explained to Allura that back in their home there was this show that centers about people that could control elements like water, earth, fire and air. This was their reasons why they gave such name for the latest planet they were trying to talk to an alliance. The people of this planet embodies the elements found in their homeland. Some were made of the four basic elements of Earth while others were new for the Paladins. Just like now, Allura and Shiro were talking to General Neal and his body was formed in a stalagmite structure but with a lava coloring.

“May I ask why you think so, General?” ever the diplomatic, Allura stole a glance to Shiro before shifting her attention back to the General.

“I’m sorry, I know my question is quite offensive but we do need to consider the mentality of your soldiers. We have previous experience about unattended situation concerning mental health.”

Shiro’s eyes became guarded when this was said. They never truly tackled the topic of mental and emotional health when they became Paladins. Heck, even him that was considered the Voltron leader always try his best to forget his obvious PTSD (something that was very difficult to do in the first place).

“I assure you General Neal that our Blue Paladin is in perfect health, mentally and physically speaking.” Shiro intervened for Allura’s sake. Though deep down he knew that there was something wrong with Lance. It was not glaringly obvious, it was more like a hunch in Shiro’s part and he has no concrete evidence for what he was feeling. For all of them, Lance seems to be happily content to where he was and whatever he was doing.

“Are you telling me that the Blue Paladin is always so cheerful? I haven’t even seen or heard him snapped on the little ones and trust me, even the kindest of us can get angry towards the unruly little ones.”

“Yes,” Allura smiled when she remembered how they, she supposed children, flocked around Lance and her Paladin gave them the attention they wanted from him, “he is always like that.”

“I hope you are not lying to me, Princess Allura. We have a case before where our people who had been victim of slavery forget that they can cry or even be angry.” General Neal stood up and walked towards the glass window where he could safely gaze down on the other Paladins. His eyes specifically landed on the subject of his question. There was something about the Blue Paladin that rubbed him the wrong way. Not the wrong way that the Paladin might be an enemy but more like a child who was trying to be brave even if in reality they were really scared. “I really hope you are not lying.” the General repeated again when he saw the little ones accidentally caught the Blue Paladin’s hair on fire.

-/-

Pidge knew that there was something wrong with Lance. But this knowledge was more like a gut feeling and Pidge’s logical mind could not accept such thing as ‘gut feeling’. They needed concrete evidence, quiznack they might even do the scientific process just to get a sliver of science on what was happening on Lance. No human could be so content to what they have especially if you were a human stuck in space.

Yes, Pidge knew that Lance was the type of person that needed physical effection. Something that Pidge could not really give without snapping or being high with emotions. Pidge knew that only Hunk and Coran (or even the mice) could satisfy even for a bit the physical cravings Lance sometimes needed. But as the team progress the busier each of them get and the more Lance was left by himself.

Lance could not even spar with Keith without making things awkward between them. Well, it was awkward for Keith while Lance was just plainly confused on why the Red Paladin was acting so uncomfortably whenever he was around. The reason might be what happened a week ago when Keith just exploded and the first person he lashed out to was Lance. Shiro tried to mediate but Keith was a ball of fire and Lance might be the only one to get him snapped out of it (based on the theory between water and fire, Pidge supplied in their mind). Lance just stared at them and when it became obvious that Keith has nothing more to say he beamed happily towards them and said:

“So that is where I am wrong! Do you mind showing me how it works?”

The rest of them was dumbfounded after Lance said it. The words was said with a blindingly happy smile that Pidge was tempted to put shades to protect their eyes.

Keith turned tomato red. Maybe it was because, for once, Lance kept a level head. Maybe it was because he just realized what he had done. Maybe it was because he knew he was in the wrong. Whatever it was, it made Keith to be even more awkward than before when it comes to Lance.

(To be Continued o(〒﹏〒)o )

Langst Mini Fics:

#1 / #2 / #3 (Part 1) / #3 (Part 2) / #4 / #5 / #6 / #7 / #8

The Wedding Planner (Part 1)

Summary– Being a wedding planner is all fun and games until suddenly you’re saved from an accident by the man of your dreams– later discovering that he happens to be your latest client’s fiancé. 

Author’s Note– First off, I am just beyond excited for this series! I absolutely loved this movie and figured, “Why not make it into a series and add my own twist to it?” So I finally did and I really hope you all enjoy it! feedback would be greatly appreciated folks.

Originally posted by jennymagicalheart

Keep reading

EXO Demon!AU Reaction to them all being destined to be with one girl

Xoxo, Admin A~

/I don’t own any of the gifs used, unless stated otherwise/


Chanyeol:

*Demons can love, but they happen to be more than unlucky, they happen to have lost their hope, yet they still love… love with everything they’ve got* “Maybe… you are what they call hope, we don’t know it… but we’ve heard of it. Maybe you are my salvation… maybe you are the one”

Kris:

*Some would call him a guardian, some would tell you to stay away, some would say to run away. But he is the one watching you in the distance, no matter how much you insist you want to be close. He’s too scared, scared you’ll end up leaving him too* “That’s the kind of life we demons have, but you are the only thing I can’t lose. I can’t survive it and I’m scared my own lack of luck will push you away”

Sehun:

*He’s the definition of mischief, he’s dangerous, he tempts you, he sneaks at night and watches you sleep. He disappears, makes you miss him while he tries to control his demon side and let you live your normal life. Yet he can’t stay away, the connection between you two is strong* “Even if I’m a demon, do you think I would be able to hurt you? You the one that has proven I have a heart? No matter what I do I can’t stay away and you can’t either. We always come back to each other”

Tao:

*He would sneak in your dreams, make it seem he’s just an illusion. He would watch you from the shadows yet never show you his face. He would be there but not. He’s a demon, he’s selfish and wants you all by himself but the love is too strong, he knows the’s too dark to be good for you* “Maybe… one day it’ll be possible… maybe one day I won’t be that scary… you want to meet me but are you really sure of what you are wishing? Do you know what my existence means?“

Kai:

*He would hide it, try to control his dark self. But the bad runs in his veins, he has that reputation at school. Yet he wouldn’t dare to hurt you, even if that means staying away. But he can’t, he can’t just sit and watch other people getting close when you, as strange as it is, are his soulmate* “No one… no one hurts her. Not even you, or me. Got it? She’s the only light a demon can have, she’s the only reason I haven’t fallen deeper in the abyss. She’s my soulmate and I will protect her”

Xiumin:

*It’s been centuries, it’s been so long since the last time he was awake. He was reckless, dangerous, feared. The rumor he finally woke up again spread fast, they all fear the chaos may come again. And it might, but there’s a reason for his awakening. Redemption, salvation, you.* “I felt it the moment she arrived to this world, I felt her heart beating just as if it were mine. In all my demon life, this is the first time I felt alive.”

Baekhyun:

*He’s that kind of boy that gives you chills, his gaze paralyzes you and tells you to run, run fast, run away. But he’s like a magnet too, he’s the mystery you always wanted to solve, he’s the reason you stay awake at night. Just to see him, see how he appears in front of your window taking all the light in his hands and watches you, watches you as if it were the last time he would see you.* “You want to know who I am, what I am. You want to show me that light can be used in many different ways, that the darkness doesn’t scare you. Do you know I love you, me a demon that can’t love? Would you believe it if I walk to your room and let you see me closely?”

Luhan:

*You are drawn to him, you can’t help ti. It’s like being thirsty, like your whole body is thirsty, your soul craves for him. And so is he, he’s feeling, finally feeling. But he’s scared, scared it would be too much to take in, too much for you* “for centuries I haven’t felt a thing, and suddenly this all comes in. It’s too strong, too strong to take it all in. What if… what if in my passion I mess it all? I create the chaos I once did… but this time you get caught in it?”

Chen:

*He’s a demon… yes he is one and you know. But he is also fighting his demons, literally. Once a demon has found redemption, once a demon has found that hope you give him, you and him become a target. A demon that feels, how could that be? You are a threat in their world, because his need to protect you, his strong love makes him even more dangerous* “I can’t leave your side, I can’t pretend I’m not drawn to you. But my love means you are in danger, my love means chaos. I don’t want that life for you, but is your choice to make… will you accept that we are soulmates?”

Kyungsoo:

*Doing everything in his power to have you is just the beginning. A love that is not supposed to exist, a love that is forbidden. He knows what it means, he knows it could be his end, or the beginning of a new life. He never felt warmth, never felt something similar to the need of his soul for you, never even imagine he would feel a thing at all.* “You changed it all, you changed the definition of demons, you changed the meaning of my life if it ever had one, you changed my existence. Who are you? Who am I? What are we? Soulmates? Even in this hell, there are things worth fighting for. Even after being stuck here for centuries, I can escape. All thanks to you, my love”

Lay:

*How can it be, that his beautiful existence is also so dark. How can it be that the light you see in his eyes is caused only by you. He had explained a million times and yet you can’t understand how he can be so scared of himself, how he calls himself a dark being. You were never scared, he was always a part of you, and no matter what his nature meant, you were meant to be together. Nothing can change that, nothing will set you apart* “this is the moment I can say that it all was worth the suffering, everything I had encounter during this long life was worth it, because at the end… I could finally find you, my heart.”

Suho:

*It was be hard, getting close to him. It was dangerous, making him show you his face. It was scary, knowing all the rumors, myths and legends were real. But it never made you run away, you couldn’t. Something inside told you to stay, to help his lonely soul. And the you understood, the reason behind demons’ nature. The lack of affection, the lack of love and light. It’s all because they don’t know what humans do, that there’s always someone for us* “You knew but I didn’t… I wandered on this world for so long without a purpose, questioning why I lived. Until I saw your eyes, it all made sense. Why I was so different from the other creatures in this planet, I didn’t know, I didn’t know someone was meant to be with me”

[Masterlist] [Guideline]

Little Ham Man (Small!Hamilsquad x Reader) 14

A/N: Since all of you are being so kind today, I decided to post the next chapter early! Enjoy you beautiful people!

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter


“Time to get out this room, Philip,” You said, striding to the desk. He looked up, frowning at you. He was finally changed out of his blood-stained clothing, wearing the clothes that you bought the boys when they were small. “You need to see the outside of this room, and it’s going to happen today. I told you, I’d give you two weeks. You have to face the world you’re in.”

His scrunched up his face, “But Y/N-“

Keep reading

Weekly Voltron Fic Recs #26

Rules: You can find past weekly rec lists here, and non-list recs in my general fic rec tag. This is stuff I like, and I have a huge bias toward Lance, hurt/comfort, and general fluff, in that order. Gen unless otherwise noted. Please comment on the fics if you read and enjoy them!

I’m gonna try to get back to doing these on Friday nights. Warning: Lots of hurt!Lance this time. There was plenty to choose from in the gen category, so of course my biases got heavy play. I had a good time, but this list will be even more unbalanced than usual.

Also, it has now been officially half a year of weekly rec lists, though I’ve actually been doing it longer than that, since it keeps being more than a week between each one. The title is a lie. But I am still pretty proud of myself. I thought I would get bored and quit doing these a long time ago, but I haven’t.

As Color Fades Away by IcyPanther
Words:  7,615 (WIP 2/?)
Author’s Summary:  “They either surrender the Black Lion to us, or we will kill the Paladin we’ve captured in the most painful way possible. They will hear his screams and they will come. They would not so easily abandon one of their own. And then the Black Lion will be yours. Should the ploy fail… well, then there will be one less Paladin in existence.” No pairings, major whumpage, Langst
My Comments: Starting the list right off with my biases. I don’t quite agree with the Keith characterization in this one, and the woobie is pretty strong, but it’s very well-written and there is the promise of LOTS of delicious hurt/comfort down the road, so I’m in it to win it.

Lance Makes a Space Sandwich by ArcaneAdagio
Words: 3,999
Author’s Summary: Lance goes through an galaxy space quest to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, dragging along an unwilling Hunk and Pidge. Will they be able to make their sandwich? Can they survive? Will Lance stop making terrible guns and finger gunning at the same time? Will they learn about the power of friendship? (Spoilers: the answer to the last two questions are ‘no.’)
My Comments: Garrison Trio! How I love them! Very fun and cute action fic. (Also PB&J is divine, how dare you question it.)

you were never on your own by derheck
Words: 1,763
Author’s Summary: Lance knew how to throw damn good parties. And that’s what they all needed. A damn good party. And what better reason to throw a damn good party than to celebrate everyone’s favorite green paladin growing one year older? Better yet- it wasn’t just going to be a party. He was going all out. He was going to throw Pidge a fucking space quinceañera.
My Comments: So cuuuute. Love Lance being supportive of his teammates, and especially doing something nice for Pidge, daww. She deserves a big ol’ party, for sure.

Pieces of Cake by Cardigan_Quincy
Words: 2,990
Author’s Summary: It’s Pidge’s birthday, and the team is determined to make it a great day. Meanwhile on Earth and in a Galra prison camp, two other characters hold their own private birthday celebrations for her.(Just a one-shot. Pre-S2. Feminine pronouns for Pidge. ~Quincy)
My Comments: Much sadder than the last fic, but also feels very true to the characters. Pidge’s family is definitely the most splintered of the paladins’ and it’s sad to think about the people who aren’t there for her birthday because they can’t be. But they remember each other, in the sweetest and most poignant way.

A Song of Storm and Ice by BreakTheDawn
Words: 20,565 (WIP 3/?)
Author’s Summary: Quintessence.It’s the basis of everything right? Integral to the very nature of Voltron. They all have it, it means something for all of them, regardless of whether or not they realize it. So would it not follow that they should learn how to use it?AkaThe Voltron team goes to undertake an ancient training program to learn more about their Lions and themselves, and of course shit happens.
My Comments: Actually a sequel to a previously recced fic, so you might want to read that one first, but this one is super good, too. Much more of an ensemble feel, though still a bit of a focus on Lance. And the worldbuilding in this one slays. So many cool ideas. Can’t wait to see what happens, and it’s updating a LOT, with very long chapters. My idea of a good time.

The Garden of Heaven by Genesister (papirini)
Words: 75,271 (WIP 16/?)
Author’s Summary: From the void of space to the heart of a deeply-buried secret of the Galra Empire, the search for Shiro leads Keith on a voyage that he never expected, wanted - or realized he needed. Its just a question of whether he can escape, when its all over - or whether he will even want to. Tags will be added as the work proceeds.
My Comments: I haven’t finished reading what’s available on this one yet, but this fic is AMAZING. Absolutely incredible worldbuilding for the Galra. Mind the tags, but don’t let them intimidate you. Keith gets thrown into a very horrifying and terrifying situation against his will, but as the story goes on you find that it’s about just another group of unique misfits learning to get along and find family in each other. The twist I just read left me utterly breathless, and as soon I finish this list I’m gonna get back to reading the story. AWESOME fic. This kind of stuff is why I just don’t bother with published fiction anymore. I can find far more satisfying and interesting stuff for free on the internet.

Just Remember by BleuSarcelle
Words: 1,646
Author’s Summary: Lance screams and shouts and curses. He lets it all out. He lets his words and shouts echo around as he falls to his knees in the middle of the training room. He hiccups as sobs shake his body. He doesn’t bother to wipe away his tears, he lets them fall to the ground and stain the mat below him.He curses loudly and lividly for every part of him that makes him feel unworthy. He weakly punches the mat as he whimpers and his shoulders lose their strength.
My Comments: Short but sweet fic about Lance fighting bad self-talk with the truth. I’ve been there.

Capsaicin by phoenixyfriend
Words: 6,235
Author’s Summary: Lance was captured by the Galra. He was more useful alive than dead, but was notorious for being difficult to interrogate, so the Galra turned to poison. It was… less than successful.
My Comments: This is really funny, and really fun. Very mild Lance whump, but I mean, they tried. They tried very hard.

Lance by RandomShmoe
Words: 1,482
Author’s Summary: First and Second Day working on Camp NaNoWriMo stuff. It is focused on Lance…hence the title.
My Comments: Another nice little fic about Lance coping healthily with his problems. The Shiro and Lance interaction was so cute it gave me a toothache.

the purest expression of grief by ohmygodwhy
Words: 15,874
Author’s Summary: By the time he walks through the Garrison doors, he is bone from going hungry and muscle from fighting and stone from surviving. He keeps his guard up and his teeth bared and sleeps with his knife under his pillow and tears through their exams and their simulations with the ferocity of the need to know more, to do more, to fly. or: keith fights, because that’s what he does, and has always watched the stars
My Comments: Can be read as Sheith or gen. Absolutely fantastic character study of Keith and how much Shiro means to him, and I loved how Keith made friends with everyone in the second chapter. Very much how I see it working for him: slow, halting, but utterly sincere.

Shifting Sands by Cardigan_Quincy
Words: 11,399 (WIP 4/?)
Author’s Summary: Lance picked himself up from the floor gingerly, testing his muscles before putting too much weight on them. Nothing seemed injured, aside from a few aches that would likely become a nice collection of bruises by tomorrow morning. But considering how hard Blue had fallen, Lance felt lucky.
Blue was less lucky.

Lance is stranded on a desert planet, injured and captured by someone who will go to any lengths to get their hands on the Black Lion. Fortunately or otherwise, he’s not alone. (Updated weekly ~Quincy)
My Comments: MMM, boy, this is some GOOD hurt/comfort! Starts with Lance alone, but doesn’t stay that way. I’m really glad he has someone there to support him, less glad that they are going through some awful stuff. Okay, I lied, I like it when Lance (and the others) go through awful stuff. But I am still hoping for rescue soon, please.

It’s Getting Darker But I’ll Carry On by CamsthiSky
Words: 4,285 (WIP 3/?)
Author’s Summary: “This could not be happening. Of course he’d be with the one idiot who didn’t know that once a zombie found you, there weren’t many ways to get it off your trail—and hiding in an abandoned house wasn’t one of them. How was this guy even still alive right now?”
My Comments: Zombie AU that starts off with sniper!Lance rescuing Keith? Yes, please. Fantastic start, and I love the roles everyone is falling into in this AU. Looking forward to more. They need to find Shiro. (Isn’t THAT just the constant refrain of this fandom, though.)

the stars watch over you by psyraah for rednight16
Words: 1,239
Author’s Summary: Shiro is bone weary, worn down, and battered, yet sleep evades him. But a gentle moment amongst new friends eases the constant disquiet in his heart, at least for now.
My Comments: This is so soft and lovely and nice. Thace and Ulaz should have stuck around longer in the show, for real.

Trust Fall by kyanve
Words: 2,330
Author’s Summary: Lance decides to try to prove that he’s just as capable of getting Blue to come get him as Keith has been at playing Space Fetch with Red. Blue may be less temperamental than Red, but Blue can also be a troll enough to make up for it.
My Comments: Lance is an idiot, but Blue loves him anyway. This feels very, very canon.

After Me Comes the Flood by Qpenguin98
Words: 25,111
Author’s Summary: The interior of this ship is cold and boring. The Galran soldiers that try to bond with you are cold and boring. Zarkon is cold and boring. You are sick of being cold and bored. A story following the Red Lion.
My Comments: Endgame Klance, established Red/Blue. Really interesting and lovely view of Keith and the rest of the team through a personified Red. I love the sense of history with the lions, and the trauma and turmoil that everyone has to work through.

Taking One For The Team by ShiningRegalia
Words: 18,284 (WIP 6/?)
Author’s Summary: A mission gone wrong lands Lance and Pidge in a dangerous situation. When communication with the rest of the team is compromised, they have to take drastic measures to escape. Pidge can only hope that they get out before things get worse and one of them breaks. Especially Lance.
My Comments: Holy fudge, this is some great hurt/comfort, too, this time with Lance and Pidge. Protective!Lance turns on all the lights in my house, and Pidge gets protective right back. The situation gets really bad, really fast, but they both do everything they can to take care of each other and get them out. They’ll be okay as long as they have each other.

Do You Wanna Build a Voltron? by phoenixyfriend
Words: 10,558
Author’s Summary: Lance woke up to a room full of frost, and proceeded to panic. Just a little. Just a smidgen. Just enough to refuse to leave his room until Hunk promised to go get Coran so there was a competent adult helping them figure out this mess.According to Blue, humans were very fragile, and needed all the help they could get. Blue could provide a lot of help, and this was a perfect solution, in her eyes.
My Comments: Really cute and fun exploration of Lance getting full-on Elsa powers. An enjoyable read from start to finish.

We’ll Just Have to Wing It by peasantlysurprised
Words: 2,798
Author’s Summary: or alternatively titled “The Space Power Rangers Try to Figure Out If Shiro Has a Natural Winged Eyeliner Look Going On Because He’s Fly Like That or Not and End Up Failing”
My Comments: I think I missed reccing this fic back when I first read it because I wasn’t making weekly lists at the time, but someone reminded me of it and I’m super glad they did. Very fun team fic with the younger paladins trying to stay up all night to catch Shiro and find out the truth.

what’s needed by eugyne (AreteNike)
Words: 2,704
Author’s Summary: The one time Shiro gives everything to his team… and the five six times they give it back.
My Comments: Absolutely FANTASTIC Post-S2 story with Shiro actually getting the support he needs, omg, I love it so much.

Gate Keeper by MoonlitPaladin (MoonlitStardust) for cupcakelevi
Words: 30,297 (WIP 7/?)
Author’s Summary: Lance is an author, known for his fantasies driven by dynamic and imaginative heroes, and yet no matter how much popularity and success he gains, it’s not enough. He doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere and he pours himself into his work, pausing only when he gets a strange postcard in the mail with no return address and a portrait of Scotland.“Light filters o’er the pass as the Keeper returns."On an adventure the likes of which only he could have written, Lance learns the true meaning of family and that there’s a thin line between fantasy and reality.
My Comments: Tagged Klance, but so far it’s about the plot and the worldbuilding. Really interesting Fantasy AU, and I’m totally hooked. Everything feels really deep and well thought-out. Again, this is why I don’t need published fiction.

Nails by BlueRoboKitty
Words: 3,435
Author’s Summary: Barely weeks after the events of S2, Lance decides to break Keith out of a bad habit and ends up creating a confrontation he’s not sure he’s prepared to deal with.
My Comments: I love fics where Lance just can’t HELP being a caregiver and he HAS to save Keith from himself because can you believe him, can you believe his terrible habits. And if it helps them find some understanding and get to know each other better, well, I’m ALL FOR IT.

The Tide by Zurela
Words: 4,116
Author’s Summary: Lance doesn’t know whether or not he can trust Keith to have his back. But now that he’s stuck under a tree, with broken bones, and on the verge of drowning, it seems he might not have a choice.
My Comments: Yet another flavor of hurt!Lance, this time with Keith along for the ride. This one hit the spot.

Piecing the World Back Together by Zurela
Words: 7,929
Author’s Summary: The Galra have taken control of the ship again. Only this time, they’ve brought a druid. And Lance is the only one in the castle. And he’s not doing so good. Oh boy, this is bad.
My Comments: Mild Klance, but mostly about Lance dealing with things alone until his team can come. I love love love Lance’s breakdown in this one, because it was awful and heartbreaking but it wasn’t over the top, and everyone was able to respond right away and tell him that his bad thoughts about himself weren’t true. And he was heroic too, my dear blue boy. Great fic.

familiar by achieving elysium (Ogygia)
Words: 40,874 (13/?)
Author’s Summary: Altean!Lance AU.The only one who remembers the fall of Altea, Lance struggles to find a place in a band of misfits he will never fully trust. Secrets aren’t the only thing on the rise; on the other side of the battlefield is Zarkon, someone Lance once saw as a brother and now his greatest enemy. But Voltron has always protected the universe, and the Blue Paladin won’t stop now.
My Comments: Finally, an Altean!Lance AU I can rec with no reservations. This is a really interesting and different take on Lance, with him being a veteran, technically much, much older than everyone else on the crew, and dealing with a whole ton of trauma and trust issues. Some secrets came out in the recent chapter that really have me salivating for more.

Home by Zurela
Words: 7,385
Author’s Summary: The members of Voltron have noticed that Lance has been behaving suspiciously lately, and make some assumptions. Well, all except one.
My Comments: Lance is such a DARLING in this one. Gah, I love him.

He is the Heart by aurumdalseni (kyo_chan)
Words: 2,479
Author’s Summary: Hunk is the paladin that helps hold them all up, but sometimes he needs to be reminded just how much he’s cared about in return. [A "Five Times Kissed” ficlet (gen/non romantic)]
My Comments: Hunk appreciation! YESSS. I love everyone’s different ways of showing how much they love Hunk.

Blue and Blood by kimuracarter
Words: 2,773
Author’s Summary: The team rescues Lance from the clutches of the Galra.
My Comments: Heartbreaking, but very well-written. This is one of those fics that I read more than once. Maybe more than twice. Very id fic for me.

Previously Recced Fics That Updated:

Blue and Bruised by DizzyBunnies
Masks by TiedyedTrickster
Handbook of Demonology by squirenonny for Pechat (absolutely BALLER chapter)
Truce by kyanve
Love and Other Questions by squirenonny
Little Lions by MidnightCreator
A Dream Away by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)
Out of Phase by LittleWhiteTie
Lost in the Stars by WingedChickadee
I’m not the Lance You think I am by KairaKara101
Stardust, Silk and Steel by CalicoTomcat

Hidden Enemies in the 12th house

Please Note: I don’t want this post to scare anyone. This is just a method I am trying out. Astrology shows us potentials, but it doesn’t have to be the end all truth.

A “dispositor” is the planet that rules the sign that another planet is in. For example, Venus would be the dispositor for Mars in Taurus. Jupiter and Neptune would both be dispositors of Saturn in Pisces.

Mars traditionally ruled Scorpio before Pluto was discovered by Percival Lowell.

Saturn traditionally ruled Aquarius before Uranus was discovered by William Herschel.

Jupiter traditionally ruled Pisces before Neptune was discovered (I’ve heard it is debatable who truly discovered Neptune first.)

Sun’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Your father isn’t always thinking about what’s best for you. Your father might have been selfish in ways that were hurtful to you. You learn to be a better person and not fall into his behavioral patterns.

Moon’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Your mother didn’t always raise you with your best interests in mind. Your mother might have been selfish and made you feel victimized. As you do your “shadow work”, you transcend any awful experiences, instead of allowing them to affect how you treat other people.

Mercury’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Your siblings made you feel like you didn’t measure up. Watch our for young people who may try to manipulate you. Your mind can tap into the collective to gain inspiration if you ease your mind to be open to the universe.

Venus’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Women may try to manipulate you. Lovers make you feel victimized, and you’re meant to have relationships that bring out deep emotions. You gain appreciation for the beauty of the universe as you allow yourself to grow from tough relationships, releasing pettiness, grudges, and old heartbreaks.

Mars’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Men may make you feel victimized and it is up to you to find your own power. Something always seems to hold you back from feeling motivated and following thru with tasks, but as you do your “shadow work” and heal your inner world, you sabotage yourself less and you become more powerful. You are learning to move forward and fight for what is right in the most effective way, after you identify what drains your energy and the way of life that is best for you.

Jupiter’s dispositor is in the 12th house: Teachers, gurus, leaders, and healers might not be as grand as they seem. There are many psychics who con people out of their money, by making the client feel scared, so that they come back to them for more “healing” or advice. There is a huge grey area between genuine psychics/healers/gurus/teachers that truly help people, and the ones who kinda sorta help, but make the person/client feel invalidated, all the way down to “snake oil salesmen” who cold read people, and catch onto their desires. There are “gurus” and people claiming to be on a spiritual path who influence women to get in bed with them. Just watch out for leaders who don’t have your best interest in mind. Find your own truth, you are your own guru!

Saturn’s dispositor in the 12th house: Authority figures, people much older than you, bosses, your father, elderly family members, etc. may not have your best interest in mind. It may be tempting to ask for advice from someone you admire, but you might be inviting them to criticize you.  I had it happen to me where I had someone blame me for my “mistakes” without even listening to my whole story and how things came to happen. Remember that elderly people can be full of wisdom, but they can also be stuck to principles/ideas that do not work for everyone. Sometimes people who are older could be so stuck to their opinions that they refuse to be receptive to a young person. Find the wise crone within you and be very careful about revealing parts of your life to authority figures and elders.

Uranus’s dispositor in the 12th house: Rebels, badasses, geniuses, etc. might not be the best influences in your life, they could be manipulative, or lead to your own self undoing. Find the wildness within you and embrace it! Accept the parts of you that stray from the norm, as they lead you to your brilliance.

Neptune’s dispositor in the 12th house: Your desire for escapism can become a self-undoing. This is another case where a person could be prone to snake oil salesmen, as well as gurus, and psychics who cause damage to a client/student/follower without owning up to it. When a healer or psychic gives a session and says something inappropriate or damaging, and the client calls them out/stands up for themselves, the healer might say something like, “Ask yourself why that hurt so that your healing process can start”, instead of holding themselves accountable for saying something inaccurate/uncalled for. Over the course of my life, I’ve had over a dozen psychic readings, (maybe a lot more than that) some left me feeling invalidated, and some were wonderful. Choose wisely who you allow to read for you ;). Neptune is full of deception… Psychics are ruled by Neptune, perhaps therapists could be as well. Clients come to these people in their weakest hour, and sometimes they get taken advantage of.

Side note: if a psychic, astrologer, teacher, guru, healer, etc. actually cares about whether you are satisfied with your reading/session, that’s a good sign. Many healers will mirror any dissatisfaction back to the client, making the client feel like it is their fault, I’ve heard of this happening. Some psychics will insist they are correct about what they perceive about someone’s life, instead of accepting it when the client tells them they’re wrong. I absolutely love the metaphysical community, but it comes with just as much deception as it does wisdom.

Pluto’s dispositor in the 12th house: Someone who you perceive as magnetic, seductive, and influential might actually be self serving, or just not that great of a person for you to associate with. For example, maybe you have Pluto in Sagittarius, the dispositor would be Jupiter, then maybe you have Jupiter in the 12th. Another example, you have Pluto in Libra, and you have Venus in the 12th.

Watching The Pilot for the first time

Series 10, here we go.

-The first episode of Series 10.
 So we could say this is the…
 PILOT episode

-I’m sorry. That joke doesn’t work, I know.

—Spoilers ahead!—

-Ooh, is this Bill’s theme? I like it?

-TARDIS!!

-Why is it out of order though…

-Oh my god he has a photo of River Song on his desk ;-;

-And oh god is that Susan

Sonic screwdrivers! Did he keep all his sonic screwdrivers after all this time?

-The guitar again!

-Two minutes in and I’m already losing track of the dialogue

-Fifty years… So the Doctor’s been laying low again, has he?

-”Poetry, physics, same thing.”
 You know what, I bet he didn’t even get hired through the normal procedure, he just walked in one day telling everyone he was the new professor, or even an old professor who left and decided to return, and he just bullshitted his way through any and all obstacles he came across during his stay

-”How is it the same?”
 “Because of the rhymes.”
 Let’s see,
 poetry
 physics
 Yep, doesn’t rhyme.

-Oh Doctor…

-”I don’t care who’s dying, never ever be late, I’m very particular about time.”
 Says the guy who was twelve years late when he said five minutes once.

-”Doctor what?”

-*cue changed intro logo DOCTOR WHAT*

-Okay, the intro visuals seem to have changed a little, but the melody sounds unchanged.

-OH SHIT IT’S MOFFAT

The inside of his coat is blue now?

AKA the pain of frame-by-frame or stopmotion animation

-Is Moffat trying to get us scared of slowmotion

-I feel like the students are very confused as to what to take notes of

-”Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, in means life.”
 I thought your granddaughter made that up?

-BILL BE QUIET WHEN YOU’RE SNEAKING

-SNEAKING IS SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET

-There we go.

-WHAT THE

-NOPE

-I don’t like background music, it says jumpscare music

-It’s scary music

-Thank goodness, no jumpscares

-SCARY MUSIC AGAIN

-WHAT THE FUCK

-WHAT THE FUCK

-WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

-MOFFAT’S NOT TRYING TO GET US SCARED OF SLOW MOTION, HE’S TRYING TO GET US SCARED OF PUDDLES

-Aw, she gave him a Christmas present

Look at those poor paper crowns trying to hold all that hair omygosh

-”With some people you can smell the wind in their clothes”
 I guess it’s supposed to be more philosophical, but for me that reminds me of how people have the cold air around them when they just came in from outside.

-R.I.P. Bill’s mom.

-”But if someone’s gone, do pictures really help?”
 That glace he makes at the photos on his desk.
 At his wife and granddaughter.
 That, is just heartbreaking.

Hey, Moffat, do you have a heart, because you’re breaking mine with fictional photographs

the FUCK

-So the Doctor, took a picture of the mother, of a student that he is currently teaching, back when said student wasn’t even born?

-Eyyy he’s using the rug

-But did he really tilt the Tardis himself to put a rug under it?
 I mean, it’s incredibly light compared to its actual size, but it’s still a phone box. Sure, if someone ran at full speed and slammed their body against it that might give it a good jolt or even make it fall over but…

-There’s something deeply unsettling about that girl’s stare

WHOA BITCH

-REMIND ME TO NEVER STEP IN EVERY PUDDLE THAT I SEE EVER AGAIN

-Well the Doctor certainly knows how to escape silently…

His clothes are blue now!

-You’re blue now! That’s my attack!

-Cue Twelfth Doctor theme, woohoo!

-”Why do you run like that?”
 “Like what?”
 “Like a penguin with its ass on fire.”
 “Ergonomics.”
 Human factors and ergonomics (commonly referred to as HF&E), also known as comfort design, functional design, and systems,[1 is the practice of designing products, systems, or processes to take proper account of the interaction between them and the people who use them. (Source: Wikipedia)

-PAHAHAJHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-BEST LINE TEN OUTTA TEN

-I’VE BEEN LAUGHING FOR THIRTY SECONDS NOW

-Ahahahahaha hah ahahaha ha ha

-Brilliant.

What’s with the burn marks on the ground

-”Do you know any scifi?”
 “Bitch, I AM scifi.”

-Possession usually has to do with fantasy or horror, not scifi…

-”There’s this thing on Netflix. Lizards in people’s brains.”
 First Pokemon, now Netflix. BBC REALLY doesn’t care.

-What’s the show though, it sounds interesting.

-” So, you meet a girl with a discolored iris and your first thought is she might have a lizard in her brain? I can see I’m going to have to up my game.“

-Doctor Who dialogue just gets better and better

-Actually, you can sorta see your face the ‘right way’ if you align two mirrors together so they’re perpendicular. The middle line might stand out, but you’re looking at your face the way anyone else sees it. The elevator in my apartment building has three reflective sides, so I can see my ‘right’ face quite often. I just have to stare at a corner of said elevator.

-They’re finally getting to the burn marks, thank you.

-”Tutorial’s over, take the night off. It’s all cancelled. Go and be a proper student. Texts, snogging, a vegan wrap.”
How does any of that make me a proper student

-”Oh, it’s just some freak optical effect. I’m bored already.”
 Like hell you are

SHIT

-IT’S NOT FUNNY LAPIS

-oh shit she’s alone in the flat

You could’ve gone to the kitchen and grabbed a knife

-But then, an umbrella is bigger and easier to wield and is great at deflecting water, so, not bad I guess

-Well I’m still getting myself a knife

-That’s it, I’m sitting in front of the monitor with a kitchen knife in my hand

-WHOA BITCH

DON’T BLINK.

-oh shit

-OH SHIT

-OH SHIT

-DON’T SAY HELLO TO YOUR POSSESSED GHOST FRIEND

-OH GOD THIS IS MIDNIGHT ALL OVER AGAIN

IT’S MIDNIGHT AND WATERS OF MARS ALL OVER AGAIN

-WHOA HIT

-shit shit shit shit SHIT

-EYY BIGGER ON THE INSIDE MOMENT

-EYY THE BIT FROM THE TRAILER

“Well, that’s a first…”

-So the Tardis does have a bathroom. After all these years. After FIFTY-FOUR years, the BBC finally gives us the answer no one really asked for but everybody kind of wanted anyway.

-”Human alert, do you want me to repel her?”

-”Oh, my God! This isn’t just a room, is it?”
 “No, it’s not just a room.”
 “This is a lift!”
 “…wELL oKAY tHeN”

-”It’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!”
 “Heh-hey! We got there!”

-HahAhahahaha

-”Well, first you have to imagine a very big box fitting inside a very small box. Then you have to make one. It’s the second part people normally get stuck on.”

-Of course, one could always scumple the big box and stuff it inside the small box, but then, the big box wouldn’t be big anymore, would it?

-”If it had work to do, why would it lie around in a puddle?”
 “I don’t know. Maybe it’s a student?”
 So it’s too afraid of life and consequences and generally overwhelmed by the looming weight of its duties to get itself to do anything?

-Wait, is the the room Bill followed them into earlier?

-RUN

-IT’S A BANSHEE AS WELL AS A MIDNIGHT CREATURE AND A WATER MONSTER

ah yes the three primary colors
(not to mention Misty from Pokemon)

-You’re escaping from a water monster and you went to a beach, good idea, 10/10.

-”Have we traveled in time?”
 “No, we traveled to Australia.”
 That’s also a first.

-Bill, you can’t just drink from the bathroom sink!

-”Can I ask you a personal question?”
 “No!”
 “Can I anyway?”
 “…Yes.”

-”If you’re from another planet, why would you name your box in English? Those initials wouldn’t work in any other language!”
 THANK YOU BILL
 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP

-Well, that wasn’t exactly a shark, but thanks for proving the point, Heather.

-”Hunger looks very like evil from the wrong end of the cutlery. Or do you think that your bacon sandwich loves you back?“
 In case you’re trying to start a vegan argument with this, no offense but your broccoli doesn’t love you back either.

-So that’s why the episode is titled ‘The Pilot’.

-Also, now that Bill’s found a puddle here, they better rUN THE FUCK AWAY.

wHAT THE FUCK

-Nope nope nope nope nope

Heyyy it’s the old sonic!

-The Fourth Doctor’s sonic, to be precise.

-Soooo did BBC make some new props for this episode or did they keep all the screwdrivers from the sixties and on

-”Hey John, while you’re throwing out those old props, would you mind putting these sonic screwdrivers in the recycle bin?”
 “Nah, let’s keep them, they don’t take up a lot of space. Besides, we might need them again some decades later.”
 “Good point.”

-OH SHIT THEY RAN INTO A BUNCH OF DALEKS

-ON PURPOSE

-Twelve: “We’ve got this annoying creature on our tail, let’s try to shake it off by running through a ton of Daleks.”
 Ten: “What went wrong with you”
 Eleven: “What happened to me”

WHAT

-THEY’RE FIGHTING DALEKS??

-Yep, it’s not going well for those lot

-”EXTERMINATE!”
 “Exterminate!”
 “EXTERMINATE!”
 “Exterminate!”
 yeah you two do that and be friends while we run away thank you

-It’s like the Doctor isn’t even taking the Daleks seriously anymore

-”YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS!”
 “lol what else would i be”

-Daleks have stormtrooper level aim now. gg BBC, gg

Tbh that’s even freakier than a normal dalek eyestalk

-BANSHEE, MIDNIGHT MONSTER, WATER CREATURE AND DALEK

-MOFFAT’S HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE ISN’T HE

-Oh wait, this is only the first episode, does that mean
 Moffat hasn’t even started yet

-Is he planning to give heart attacks to all of us

-”The last thing she said to me. She promised she wouldn’t leave without me.”
 And now my heart’s breaking

-shit shit shit shit shit

Ehhh it’s okay Moffat, I didn’t need that heart anyway lol

-”That’s the Doctor for you. Never notices the tears.“
 Never acknowledges his own tears either…

-”Yeah, because I think you’re going to wipe my memory. I’m not stupid, you know. That’s the trouble with you. You don’t think anyone’s ever seen a movie. I know what a mind-wipe looks like!“
 THANK YOU BILL

-”Imagine, just imagine how it would feel if someone did this to you.“
 They just HAD to put Clara’s theme in there, didn’t they?

-All slowed down and more tragic

-And they HAD to make the Doctor sound like he’s holding back tears

-*distant crying noises*

“Shut up.”

“You shut up as well.”

-Someone fucking end me

-Come to my house and stop my sinful hands

-I am allowed too much power

-*ahem* Anyway

-Did the Doctor just leave for a hundred years to mull this over and come back to the present

-”It means, what the hell.”
 That’s a first, AGAIN.

-I love that theme at the end!

-Oh boy I can’t wait for more episodes, they all look so exciting–

nOOO

iS THAt john simm

-WhAT tEh FUcK

More Like The Emperor

Summary: Based on the prompt: “you give me a different fake name every time you come into starbucks and I just want to know your real name bc ur cute but here I am scrawling “batman” onto your stupid cappuccino” but with Roman emperors because Bellamy is nerd. Obviously.

Word count: 4,022

Also on ao3

Clarke knew she would regret volunteering to work the early shifts when she started working at Starbucks, but it aligned with her class schedule and she was hoping at least the free coffee would do something to wake her up in the morning.

She wasn’t five minutes into her first shift, barely past five-thirty am, so early even the sun couldn’t be bothered to show itself yet, before she knew for certain that her hopes were misplaced.

She did her best to tame the scowl on her face on the off chance they actually had customers before six. By seven, she could very nearly manage a smile when serving the pre-coffee grumps that dragged themselves through their doors. But before six, or really, if she was honest, six-thirty, people were lucky if she didn’t glare at them like she wanted to splash the hot coffee in their faces.

Her manager would probably be more bothered by this if most of the customers seemed to care much about the look on her face. She almost didn’t mind serving those people, the ones who were clearly just as amused at being up at such an absurd hour as she was and were just trying to get themselves a halfway decent cup of caffeine to get through their day.

That, she could handle.

What really, really made her want to poison someone’s cappuccino were morning people.

Part of her already hated him the moment he walks through the door; it was her third shift and she’d only seen two people that morning, verging on five-forty-five, the slight smirk seeming plastered on his face like he existed to charm every person on the planet.

He saunters up to the register and grins at her. She’s just awake enough to register the fact that his smile could literally end wars, (or start them, she thought, that would be more historically accurate) but it still did little to brighten her mood.

She takes his order and his voice in every way matches his overwhelmingly attractive exterior. He had it all, really; the dark, curly hair, the dark eyes, the endearingly freckled skin and muscles she was sure made other girls swoon.

Other girls, that is, who were not raging monsters before six am, face to face with a man who seemed determined to radiate sunshine. She finds herself just as annoyed by his good looks as she is by his good mood.

She manages to keep herself composed while taking his order, but catches herself only after making a snide comment about The Fault in Our Stars when he says his name is Augustus.

In her moment of horror that she’d just made fun of a customer’s name, sure he’s going to get upset and tell her manager and she’s going to lose her job before she’s even finished her third shift, he has the audacity to smirk.

“More like the emperor, Clarke,” he says with a pointed glance toward her name tag.

She almost would’ve preferred if he’d gotten her fired; that, at least, would’ve likely prevented her from seeing him again.

Keep reading

Mon-El of Daxam – Hero’s Journey to Valor - Part 1

The Supergirl Writers know about The Hero’s Journey (Monomyth) steps as described by John Campbell (it is specifically mentioned in the last conversation that Kara and Cat have in season 2).

Mon-El is following all 17 steps through his journey to Valor. I’m going to explain how he does meet them pointing to specific scenes in the episodes. I’m going to divide this in 3 posts and this is Part 1.

I will also make guesses about how Mon-El could achieve the remaining steps of this journey during season 3 for his rise to Valor. It is going to be so awesome!

Btw, his transformation to a better person/ hero includes how to be a productive member of society, find a job and actually be good at it. Not only fighting bad guys.

Keep on reading after the break.

Keep reading

Psh Soulmates! (Lucifer x Reader)

Lucifer x reader
Word Count: 555 (damn it! So close!)
Summary: Soulmates. You’re meant to love your soulmate, right? But what happens if your soulmate is a human hating, spiteful archangel?
A/n: hey, I felt bad for leaving y'all without anything for almost three weeks so heres a little drabble for you. I hope you enjoy it cus I found it quite funny in my sleep deprived state lol
Let me know if you want a part two!!

Ps. This is being posted from my phone so I’ll format it tomorrow lol k bye enjoy for now!

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” I said monotonely.

“That’s cute,” Lucifer laughed.

“And how all the ways you could kill me right now,” I continued, still not looking at the angel next to me.

“Excuse me?”

“You could kill me in a hundred different ways right now,” I repeated now looking over at him. Lucifer looked confused and a little hurt.

“I would never-“

“Why wouldn’t you,”

“Because,”

“Because some psychic freak said so? She couldn’t see you were the devil, pretty sure she was just spouting off random shit to get her money’s worth,”

“You realise that physic freak was a messenger right? One of Dad’s personal mail men,”

“So?” I exclaimed, jumping up from my bed, “Why would the big G.O.D care about me and why the hell would he care about you!”

“Watch your tongue,” Lucifer growled angrily, he stood up slowly and squared me up, standing to his full height. I looked up at him with the same anger, lashing like flames in my eyes.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” I snarled.

“Don’t insult me,”

“Don’t insult me!“ I shouted back.

“Humans!” Lucifer exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air and pacing to the other side of the room, “This is why I can’t stand you little cockroaches, you never know when do to what you’re told!”

“Excuse me but the entire reason you were cast down from heaven in the first place was because you didn’t do as you were told!”

“You can’t compare me to you mud monkeys!”

“Well, I just did, I sassed, “Just because you have a pair of wings and a broken halo does not make you any better than me or anyone else on this planet!”
“I don’t have a halo,” Lucifer snapped. “And we’ve gone off topic. Why would I kill you?”

“You explained that you’re self didn’t you,” I said with a sigh, “You hate humans, you hate every human in this world why would I be exception. I don’t do anything special. I am literally no body,”

“You’re my soulmate whether you like it or not Y/n,”

“I don’t like it,”

“Well tough, you’re stuck with me now,”

We both glared at each other hard, breathing heavy and the air was thick was anger and tensions. Then we sat back down and carried on watching the show that was on the tv before, like nothing happened.

“What would happen if I sold my soul?”

“I wouldn’t let that happen,”

“But if I did,”

“I’d get it out of Hell, you realise that I created Hell right. I can stop people becoming demons and I can make people demons,”

“So? I could persuade a demon to hide my soul from you,”

“You wouldn’t know that first thing about dealing with demons,”

“Really? They sound easy,” I shrugged.

“Fine, you know what, I’ll give you two days to try and sell your soul. See how far you get,”

“Oh really?”

“Really,” Lucifer smirked, cocking his eyebrow up and standing up to me with his hands on his hips, “You just tell them who you are and I’m sure they’ll do whatever you want,”

“Fine then, two days it’s on!”

“Wait, you’re actually going?” Lucifer grabbed my arm as I walked past him, I laughed and shrugged him off,

“Well, yeah. A challenge is a challenge Lucifer. If soulmates are meant to be similar in personality then you’ll know I would never back down from a challenge. Especially not one as fun as this,”

“You could get hurt,”

“And you’ll fix me again, it’s kind of what we do know apparently,”

“You’re insufferable,”

“Right back at you, wings,”

“Don’t call me that!”


TAGGED: @bcr36 @lindsaylove1226 @mybittersweetbullshituniverse @bethanystan

12x19 Picspam Review (LOUD NOISES)

Paper bag to breathe into? Check.

Espresso? Check.

Gently worn trench in my floor suitable for my inevitable pacing? Check.

I am so ready to start this review.

*presses play*

THEN: ALL OF THE DEAN PINING

*immediately jumps up from chair to pace, breathe heavily, and chug espresso*

Yep, this is gonna go just swimmingly


(Trigger warning for the beginning of this review. I was going originally going to skip it as to avoid the triggery content, but then I realized I had shit to say about it. Also a spoiler warning for Dexter in the beginning. If you want to skip that stuff, just… scroll really fast.)

Keep reading

Loki and the Minion

TITLE: Loki and the Minion

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter-1

AUTHOR: latent-thoughts

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki hiring you as his manager while he slowly takes over Midgard again. You are to manage his PR, his daily schedule, and you also are his guide to everything Midgardian. He doesn’t make it easy for you, though. He causes trouble, doesn’t listen to your advice very often, and in general, annoys and intimidates you. He is the God of Mischief after all, and you are the nearest target available to him. You suffer through his antics because he pays well and also, you don’t know what might befall you if you refuse him. He is kinda scary after all.


RATING: T for now, will change later.

NOTES/WARNINGS: None

A/N: Basically Loki being a diva, and a Disney Prince. Sort of… 

____________________

Victory… Conquest… Subjugation…

Merely words concluding the struggle between two parties in opposition. A simple enough concept, but a rather difficult accomplishment.

You win at it once, and everyone thinks you invincible. You fail at it once, and everyone takes you for granted.

Keep reading

Beneath the Waves (part 5)

Hello everyone!!! It’s been such a long time coming, but @ismill and I are back! @qeiem did some amazing art of the fic and IT GOT US INSPIRED. I hope y’all enjoy this installment, and don’t freak out, this is by far the last chapter; I will be much, much quicker with the next update!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 


CHAPTER 5

———

BAZ

———

Saltwater stung in all the little cuts I had on my palms, and my eyes were gritty from lack of sleep, but I never wanted to leave this surf.

Simon, like he sensed my thoughts, pulled out of our kiss with a laugh. “Baz,” he said, “You need to go back to your house. It’s getting late.”

“I’m absolutely fine,” I protested, as my bones turned waterlogged.

“You were falling asleep while we were kissing.”

“That’s normal.”

He grinned, but I felt his hands grip mine a little tighter like he didn’t want me to go home either.

He said against my lips, “I didn’t know I was that bad.”

Keep reading

POPULAR TEXT POSTS + ASK MEME  ( PART 4 )

❛ you inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart ❜
❛ i hope no one lowkey hates me. highkey hate me. hate me with every fiber of your being. go big or go home ❜
❛ my style isn’t even my style, i can’t afford my actual style ❜
❛ i feel like everyone has a teacher from high school that they’d 100% fight ❜
❛ i don’t mean to interrupt people i just randomly remember things and get really excited, i’m sorry ❜
❛ sir, you cannot name your son ‘Papa_Roach_Scars.mp3’ we just won’t allow it ❜
❛ if you asked me what my sexuality was, i couldn’t give you a straight answer ❜
❛ i just wanna wear lingerie, smell like lavender, and have soft skin ❜
❛ yabba dabba done with your shit ❜
❛ 5 years ago i was a fucking mess and now i’m a fucking mess but at peace with it and with a cooler fashion sense ❜
❛ the only reason i’m staying in school is so i can provide for my future ❜
❛ occupation: sleepiest girl on the planet ❜
❛ true friendship is willfully making someone’s emotional devastation over fictional characters worse ❜
❛ (not so) breaking news: i’m sad again and everyone’s tired of hearing about it ❜
❛ my new year’s resolution is to stop ❜
❛ people keep posting ‘what’s REALLY in your food’ articles like i’m gonna stop eating whatever it’s about lmao listen, death is coming. death is coming. pass me a hot dog ❜
❛ do you sometimes wonder why you have weird friends but then you snap and realize that you’re as weird as them ❜
❛ have you ever met someone who’s smile looks like it could make flowers grow ❜
❛ is ‘no’ an emotion because i feel it ❜
❛ i wanna be the one girl who looks really cute but also gives off the vibe that she could snap your neck if you disrespect her like is that possible for me ❜
❛ concept: me, having friends and being liked by people ❜
❛ the human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them ❜
❛ replace my heart with another liver so i can drink more and care less ❜
❛ i need a hug and six months of sleep ❜
❛ good morning i’m obsessed with being loved ❜
❛ don’t come back when you realize that i’m rare ❜
❛ i’m stuck in between ‘i really wanna meet new people’ and ‘why can’t everyone leave me the fuck alone’ ❜
❛ can you believe some people meet each other and just hit it off right off the bat and just… date??? and fall in love? ?? that sounds fake ? ? ? ❜
❛ painfully average looking with a great sense of humor and always down to get drunk ❜
❛ people are always like ‘are you a morning person or a night person’ and i’m just like… buddy, i’m barely even a person ❜
❛ you ever talk to a stupid boy to pass time? ❜
❛ don’t talk to me or my 78 insecurities ever again ❜
❛ i’ll always have a soft spot for you ❜
❛ i hate being tickled. i do not think it’s cute, i do not think it’s funny. i will kick you in the fucking face ❜
❛ you inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart ❜
❛ there’s no blood in my veins anymore it is coffee and broken dreams ❜
❛ i’ll pay you $7 to have a crush on me ❜
❛ i’m a hopeless romantic… emphasis on hopeless ❜
❛ i deal with my personal problems the same way i study for tests… i don’t ❜
❛ half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other half of me is, well, an asshole ❜
❛ my biggest problem is i don’t like, do shit ❜
❛ how am i supposed to be productive when netflix just automatically plays the next episode for you? ❜
❛ a girls sleepy voice is probably the cutest thing that has ever existed on this earth ❜
❛ at like a really specific time at night i feel like i wanna fall in love or some shit but then i wake up and i’m ok again ❜
❛ i’d really like to be taken out tbh. in a date way or a sniper way. i have no preference ❜
❛ i don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions ❜
❛ i want to be one of those people who does yoga and eats berries for breakfast, but i’m one of those people who stays in bed until 4 pm and eats pizza ❜
❛ why are there waiting lists for preschools?!?! babies are small!!!! 800 could fit in one room, just stack them ❜
❛ raise your hand if you are scared shitless about the future yet couldn’t care less at the same time ❜
❛ i hate being the stereotypical emo bitch, but life sux, my dude ❜
❛ i wanna learn how to throw knives so i can throw ‘em like real close and graze somebody to let them know to shut the fuck up ❜
❛ my heart says yes but my mom says no ❜
❛ if we are ever invaded by aliens and they wanna destroy earth and whatever that’s fine, but leave old friends senior dog sanctuary out of it ❜
❛ i don’t want to get involved in the drama, i just wanna know 103% of the information on what happened ❜
❛ if i had the power to control time i would probably just use it to sleep more ❜
❛ guess who got shit done today….. not me lmao but congrats to somebody out there ❜
❛ i promise i’m a lot nicer than my ‘walking to class’ face would lead you to believe ❜
❛ why spend money on booze when i can get fucked up by conspiracy theories for free? ❜
❛ binge watching is great until you run out of the show and have to start watching it weekly like some sort of medieval peasant ❜
❛ merry crisis, everyone ❜
❛ my whole life is the one episode of friends where ross drinks all those margaritas and keeps telling everyone that he’s fine when he clearly isn’t fine ❜
❛ i’m a huge supporter of things which annoy misogynistic rich white men ❜
❛ kinda wanna go on a date, kinda wanna get hit by a truck too ❜
❛ do i even have a sexuality at this point or is it literally just ‘oh yes i’d kiss you’ ❜
❛ not interested dot com forward slash you ❜
❛ napping together is my kind of date ❜
❛ i’m trying to stop being a hater but it’s just so hard when there are so many things that need my hate ❜
❛ i need to stop imagining things i’d say in interviews if i was ever famous because i am not ❜
❛ guess who got their life together!!!!! …not me, but someone probably has ❜
❛ concept: the worst is over. everything’s gonna be okay now ❜
❛ me, giving your eulogy at your funeral: ‘we are gathered here today to mourn a friend, a relative, a companion and a loved one, and to kinkshame them one last time’ ❜
❛ one day i will take a really good selfie and you will be sorry….. you will all be sorry ❜
❛ i was so ugly in 2008 because i didn’t care about my looks, i cared about the jonas brothers ❜
❛ i’m the whole package: bitter AND petty ❜
❛ my life is that awkward walk/jog you do in front of a car when you’re crossing the street ❜
❛ i use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a fucking moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon and i was raised better than that ❜
❛ my aesthetic is looking really tired even when i’ve had enough sleep and having a lot of bad habits and responding poorly to criticism ❜
❛ yes you’re allowed to have other friends, you just have to love me more ❜
❛ i just want to be somewhere warm and making questionable decisions ❜
❛ i don’t have plans for tonight or the rest of my life if you want to have a drink or get married ❜
❛ screenshots don’t scare me, i know what the fuck i said ❜
❛ ‘you’re kind of annoying’ kind of? kind of??? excuse me. excuse you. i am fully annoying. i am very annoying. there’s nothing half-assed half-hearted ‘kind of’ about it ❜
❛ *jumps over hole in sidewalk* yeah you could say i’m pretty fucking athletic ❜
❛ i don’t ‘dress to impress’ i dress to depress. i wanna look so good that people hate themselves ❜
❛ sorry, i couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue ❜
❛ valentine’s day is coming up, i don’t know what to buy myself ❜
❛ you’re really cute and it’s ruining my life because i think about kissing you all the time ❜
❛ ‘dude, i’m wasted’ and by wasted, i’m talking about my wasted potential because i’m a lazy piece of shit ❜
❛ i may be a terrible person but at least i say please and thank you and use my fucking blinker ❜
❛ is it too late to try to be myspace famous ❜
❛ ask him if he’s good with his hands, then when he comes over, make him put together ikea furniture ❜
❛ if a woman’s hand is steady enough to put on winged eyeliner then it’s steady enough to stab you in the heart ❜
❛ please don’t get tired of me ❜
❛ finals? fuck a final. gone girl myself. ❜
❛ i really thought quick sand was going to be a bigger issue in life when i was little ❜
❛ i’m so tired of not being a multimillionaire ❜
❛ why must the cute ones (me) suffer ❜
❛ nasa actually stands for ‘not any straight aliens.’ gayliens are real and out there ❜
❛ not to be bitter or anything but i hope everyone that has ever hurt me is absolutely miserable ❜
❛ my mind says college, but my heart says isolated sheep herder in iceland ❜
❛ i am an adult oh god make it stop ❜

( you can find the other three parts here: 1, 2, 3 )

artistsapprentice  asked:

If you're taking requests, can you please do a myth about one of the primordial Greek gods, like Nyx?

I absolutely can, although maybe not Nyx, as she’s not often the central character in the surviving myths we have, which honestly does not do justice to her role as namesake of my favourite makeup brand. Instead, I have written about the births of Kronos and Zeus, because Nyx makes a fleeting appearance and also most of the gods are primordial (primordial douchebags, am I right? I’m totally right.)

If you don’t fancy reading about nubile oiled men, the importance of good table manners, and the origins of Wolverine from X-Men, feel free to skip by pressing J on your keyboard. Extra context and literary stuff under the cut, as always!

And the Father of the Year Award Goes to Absolutely No-one

Before the world came to be, there was something. We’ll call it Chaos, because that’s what it was called, but it wasn’t like, chaos chaos, like when you’re running late for work and the toaster starts ballsing up and then suddenly the cat’s puking into your shoes and your mother’s phoning to tell you that your father is actually your uncle. It was more of a chasm, like a kind of tangible nothingness, made up of the elements of everything which would later become actual stuff, like the sea and the sky and sprouts, which actually sounds kind of rad, except there was no-one there to appreciate just how poetic it all was.

Except one day, something just kind of happens, and suddenly there’s someone there, and her name is Gaea, and she is the Earth. Like, literally. She is what we would now recognise as a planet. Which is fine. Real women have curves, etc.

Now, at this point, Gaea is just kind of hanging around by herself, when along comes Tartarus, who is the primordial divine personification of a realm of eternal torture and pain and is probably really shit at parties, and Gaea decides that Tartarus isn’t really the ideal best friend. She really can’t imagine having slumber parties with Tartarus and braiding each other’s hair over all the haunting wails of the dead. She’s kind of happy to have company, but being stuck with Tartarus is sort of like when you turn up late to a party and have to hang around by yourself for a while until some white guy with dreads shows up and starts talking about capitalism; it’s slightly better than loneliness, but not much, and also it makes you want to drink more.

So, one day she’s like “it’s kind of lonely here in the middle of nowhere with only a torturous realm for company, this is like living in Wales and frankly I won’t stand for it,” and then bam, she’s not alone anymore, because the void has spat out a new companion and this exceptionally hot dude is standing there, and he’s butt-naked and all toned and curved and probably oiled, because this myth is from Ancient Greece, and Gaea is like “holy buttocks, who in Chaos are you?” and the beautiful man just sighs wearily and says “I’m Eros, and I’m literally here for the sole purpose of making people want to do unspeakable things to one another.” Gaea pseudo-frowns and she’s like “what kind of unspeakable things, because if you mean relentless murder and ceaseless slaughter, then honestly, I think that’s just in my blood, I’m an Ancient Greek deity,” and Eros is like “have you ever wanted to just lie someone down and cover them in chocolate sauce?” and Gaea metaphorically wrinkles her proverbial nose and she’s like “no, that sounds unsanitary and also I’m a planet,” and then Eros clicks his fingers and says “how about now?” and Gaea does this weird little shiver thing, probably dislodging mountains and causing tectonic plates to collide like bodies on a dancefloor, and she’s like “do that again,” and Eros takes a few steps back and he’s all “no offence, but I’m the only other guy here, and I’m really more of a peanut butter guy myself.”

Then Gaea is like “as fantastic as those few moments of delight were, what’s the actual point? Like, why is it so important that people get the urge to do unspeakable things to each other up against barnyard doors? I mean, we were both just sort of born out of the ether with no need for body parts rubbing and touching in any pleasing way whatsoever, so why can’t things just carry on like that? What’s the need for the horizontal tango?” and Eros just shrugs and waves his sculpted arms a bit and says “plot holes, no pun intended.”

After a while, other things start to appear, like night (Nyx) and day (Hemera) and the realm of eternal, unflinching darkness, known as Erebos, and eventually Gaea just gets tired of having all these things floating around her like One Direction fans outside an arena, and so she does the only thing she can do, seeing as privacy screens haven’t been invented yet, and she gives birth to the sky and uses it as a makeshift veil. The sky’s name is Uranus, and, as it turns out, he’s virile as hell, because pretty soon he’s impregnated Gaea, and she gives birth to Oceanus, who is the divine personification of the sea, which means he’s totally wet and basically hates conflict, and then she gives birth to Kronos. Like his brother Oceanus, he’s a Titan, which means that he is part of the race of elder gods, along with their older siblings, including Thea, Rhea, Hyperion and Iapetos, among others, because condoms haven’t been invented yet, and let’s be honest, Uranus is totally the kind of guy who’d pretend that he couldn’t use them for reasons of girth.

Then, because this family isn’t fucked up enough already, Gaea gives birth to three giant monsters, the Hecatoncheires, who all have a hundred hands and fifty heads and can also control storms, which makes me wonder why they cast Halle Berry in X-Men and not just a hideous CGI conglomerate, and then she (Gaea, not Halle Berry) gives birth to three more monsters, each with one eye, called the Cyclopes. When Uranus sees his six new beautiful children, he’s all “wow, those came out of you? They must take after your side of the family,” and Gaea says “technically, you ARE my side of the family, sonsband,” and Uranus is like “shit, yeah, this is probably why incest is frowned upon, isn’t it? Anyway, I think you should just put them all back, to be honest,” and Gaea is like “what do you mean ‘put them all back’?” and Uranus is like “well, you know, back up the ol’ pipe,” and Gaea is like “say ‘pipe’ one more time and I’ll shove something up yours,” nobly resisting the urge to make a pun on his name, but Uranus is like “sorry, can’t hear you, I’m too busy shoving these gigantic monster children back into your womb,” and he’s not even lying.

Obviously, this causes Gaea some Problems, and so she decides that maybe it’s time to get rid of Uranus. When he’s asleep, probably dreaming about changing his name by deed poll, she gathers together all of her children – the ones who aren’t currently rolling around in her uterus, anyway – and she’s all “look, I’m going to level with you here. Your father is a dick. I could do so much better. I deserve Ryan Gosling, not some dude who thinks it’s OK to use my birth canal as a storage locker. I need your help, kids,” and then she takes out this absolutely massive sickle, and she says “this sickle is made of adamant, which is a radical new element that I made for this specific purpose. It’s stronger than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson after a meal of spinach, and without meaning to blow my own trumpet, it really is the goddamn poodle’s privates. Like, if I were to create my own super powered mutant soldier, I’d probably coat his bones with this shit and maybe make him some awesome claws of the same stuff, because this? This stuff is nearly unbreakable. It’s totally fit for purpose,” and then her kids are like “by ‘purpose’, do you mean that you want us to use that sickle on our father?” and Gaea nods sagely and she’s like “I want you to use it all over him,” and her kids confer with one another, drawing some diagrams and making detailed notes, and then they turn back to her and say in unison “nope.”

Except they don’t say it completely in unison, because Kronos, the youngest of her Titan children, pipes up like “I know what needs to be done, grandma-mother,” and Gaea says “do you?” and Kronos nods and says “I do. I know exactly what you want me to do, 100%. I understand your plan completely. I volunteer,” and Gaea places her hand firmly on Kronos’ shoulder and grins and she’s like “grandson-son, let us put our shared plan into action,” and Kronos takes the sickle and he’s like “you can count on me, grandma-mother, I won’t let you down,” and Gaea probably just groans a bit because she’s still full of monster children.

Later that night, Uranus comes over to Gaea for a night of nocturnal naughtiness, and he’s about to cock his leg in a jaunty and arousing manner and be like “let us kiss with tongues, mother-wife,” when he hears this battle cry from behind him, and before he can turn around to see what the fuck is going on, Kronos has leapt on him with this massive sickle, and then Kronos raises the sickle above his big Titan head and brings it down in a swooping arc, right on Uranus’ dick. Like, that’s it. He just cuts it clean off, severing it right at the base, then throws it over his shoulder like salt in the Devil’s face, and Uranus just starts sobbing and says “for a Titan, that really wasn’t tight at all. I knew that having kids would be difficult, but this just absolutely takes the proverbial biscuit,” and he leaves, because there’s not a lot else he can do, really.

When he’s gone, Gaea turns to Kronos and she’s just like “you cut his dick off?” and Kronos nods proudly and says “our plan has come to fruition, mother,” and Gaea rolls her eyes and she’s like “I was thinking more along the lines of ruthless patricide, but I guess your idea also worked,” and Kronos wrinkles his nose and he’s all “what kind of monster would kill their own father? Balls or no balls, I still need the old guy to teach me how to throw a ball, y’know,” and Gaea just rolls her eyes and she’s about to make some remark about how a good father probably wouldn’t shove his kids back inside their mother, when Uranus’ testicles, which have landed in the sea, start to foam, and from the dick foam this beautiful woman emerges, and she’s like “I need two things. Firstly, I need a bath, because honestly, natural childbirth has absolutely nothing on what just happened to me, and secondly, I need a dry martini and a nubile young man,” and Gaea is all “literally who the fuck are you?” and the woman is like “I’m Aphrodite, and I really want to just reiterate that I’m covered in dick foam, so can we keep this conversation as brief as possible, like three seconds max” and Kronos is like “go to Cyprus, there are baths there beyond your wildest dreams,” and Aphrodite goes to Cyprus and presumably bathes in bleach for about three years.

Meanwhile, Uranus, hiding away in shame and anger, mutters under his breath something very sinister, something along the lines of “I hereby prophesy that the end of the Titans shall fall very soon, as they are overthrown by their own treacherous children and punished for their sins, signed Uranus xoxo.”

A whole bunch of time passes, and honestly, what happens next is incredibly complicated and involves more birth scenes than a director’s cut of Alien, but in a nutshell, a whole bunch of gods book a hotel room with each other, producing generations of gods, nymphs and other creatures. Kronos himself marries Rhea, his sister, and the two of them have a whole bunch of children, including Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Poseidon and Hades. Now, you’d think that Kronos, having seen the effect that bad parenting can have on a marriage and indeed a penis, might be a better father to his own kids than Uranus had been to him. You would be wrong. In fact, Kronos takes fatherhood to new lows. Having heard Uranus’ prophecy that he is fated to be overthrown by his own son, Kronos takes a leaf out of his father’s book and decides that the best place for his children is inside their parent. However, unlike Uranus, Kronos doesn’t put them back inside their mother; presumably remembering how THAT had turned out, he puts them inside himself instead, and swallows them whole, barely even tasting them. Honestly, I’m not sure why he didn’t chew them first, but whatever. He doesn’t.

After her brother-husband has eaten five of her children, Rhea begins to get a bit fed up (and honestly, why it took five attempts for her to get sick of this shit, I also have no idea; clearly, neither of them are Parent of the Year). So, when she becomes pregnant for the sixth time, she finds her mother-mother-in-law, Gaea, and she’s like “look, I know that Kronos was always your favourite son because of the time he helped you chop off dad’s dick, but now Kronos is BEING a dick, and I need your help,” and Gaea is like “Kronos stopped being my favourite child the moment he copied his dad and internalised his children. If only he could have taken after his mother more, and been awesome and totally opposed to infanticide. Well, I’ll tell you what; that son you’re carrying is going to save you from a life of matrimonial fatigue, but you have to do a couple of things first,” and Rhea says “just tell me what to do,” and Gaea is like “you have to run away, give birth in a magic cave, and pretend that your son is a rock,” and Rhea just sighs and she’s like “honestly, my kids are probably better inside Kronos’ digestive tract and away from this family unit,” but she does what Gaea asks.

So, when Rhea has given birth to her son – whom she names Zeus, which is a name you may be familiar with – she finds a huge rock and swaddles it, dressing it in a fetching babygro with the motif ‘DADDY’S LITTLE FLESH CHILD, MUMMY’S LITTLE NOT-A-GEODE’ and hands it to Kronos. Kronos takes one look at the rock and says “this baby has my eyes, darling,” and then promptly swallows it whole, completely falling for the trick, believing that he’s swallowed his fifth child. Rhea, presumably wondering if Kronos and the rock have more in common than she first thought, goes off to raise her baby in secret.

After a while, yet more time passes and Zeus grows up into an absolutely strapping young god, all bearded and muscled and, most importantly, not swilling around inside Kronos’ bowels, and Gaea is like “OK, grandson. The prophecy says that you will overthrow your father, so the first thing to do is to make him throw up,” and Zeus is like “why would I do that? When dad overthrew HIS dad, he got to use a phenomenal sickle, and I just get to use a bit of bad ham?” and Gaea says “firstly, you’re right, that sickle was fucking sick, and secondly, your father never chewed his food, and you have a few siblings who are probably very grateful for that, although honestly they’d be a tad less grateful if they’d ever had to sit opposite him at dinner, rather than inside him,” and so Zeus goes off to find Kronos.

When he finds him, he slips him an emetic herb, and Kronos immediately throws up his children, all covered in stomach slime but still alive and fully grown. Zeus is like “hey siblings, I’m Zeus, and honestly, I will never fully comprehend what you have been through, but I hope we can bond over this experience anyway,” and Hades is like “I think there’s a bit of partially digested carrot in my hair,” and Hera says “no, that’s just stomach lining, but you do have something unspeakable on your shoulder,” and Demeter says “thanks for saving us, Zeus, but dad looks super pissed that you just made him throw up his children,” and Kronos mutters “and that great bit of roast ham that I had for lunch.”

Zeus just shrugs and he’s like “well, there’s this prophecy which says that dad’s going to look defeat right in the face very soon and I’m going to be the one who puts it there, so honestly, I’m going to just let him have this one. I’d probably be angry too, if someone gave me a prophecy which told me that my child would overthrow me and I subsequently internalised that child for my own protection and suzerainty, only to have the child break free from my body somehow. Boy, that would really blow.“

Glaring at his family, just about managing to speak through his anger, Kronos snarls “you know what this means, son?” and Zeus sets his jaw into a rigid line, pushes his shoulders back so that his biceps look particularly rugged in his favourite white tank top, and then he digs into the pocket of his skinny black jeans and pops a tooth-pick into his mouth, chewing it with a pensive look on his face, and after a few tense seconds have passed, during which Kronos is just clenching his fists and trembling with unspent fury, Zeus says “yes, dad. This means war.”

My other retellings can be found here; my mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. Thrilling.

(Keep reading link for mobile, as the app breaks the link)

Keep reading