why am i publishing it then

4

bring it, bitch.

my warden then: rage demon in mortal form, down to fight anyone even the grass, kills every single annoying person

my warden now: tired grumpy old man, wholesome dad who makes dad jokes, rescues hallas, still kisses morrigans toes

my hawke then: sleazy pirate ladies man, would sell carver for a grape, all humor no responsibilities, dont care about nobody

my hawke now: retired old man living with a husband and 50 cats, mage rights activist, sad but cracking the worst puns and fighting everyone for anders

my inquisitor then: spoiled sparkle son, fashionable orlesian cupcake, in love

My inquisitor now: bags under eyes, forgets to eat and sleep, fights ghosts in the desert drunk

✰ * º ❛ even more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘  my kink is getting some fuckin sleep.  ’
‘  omg here goes your lil crybaby ass.  ’
‘  the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up.  ’
‘  don’t start buddy. don’t you dare.  ’
‘  gay rights? true, as a gay, i am always right.  ’
‘  not to vent, but: fuck.  ’
‘  the worst pain is to make small talk with someone you once told everything to.  ’
‘  i think i accidentally break my own heart a lot.  ’
‘  sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful.  ’
‘  i want to kiss you in a way that makes you not want to kiss anyone else ever again.  ’
‘  shout out to the people who are still friends with me even though i’m a fucking idiot.  ’
‘  it’s safe to assume that at any given moment i want to go back to bed.  ’
‘  i’m a big fan of anything that will help me chill the fuck out.  ’
‘  i don’t go through people’s pictures on their phone cause i wasn’t raised in the jungle.  ’
‘  i think we, as a people, just need to have a glass of water.  ’
‘  i don’t have enough black clothes.  ’
‘  sweetie, i could sleep for ten years and i’d still be tired.  ’
‘  i would sleep so much better with your arms wrapped around me.  ’
‘  me??? tired??? sleepy??? yes, constantly.  ’
‘  i’m pb&j – petty, bitter, and jealous.  ’
‘  the fact that sloths aren’t extinct somehow proves that if you go at your own pace and mind your own fucking business you too can succeed.  ’
‘  i wish i could be the person i want to be, but i’m too tired.  ’
‘  i always look sleep deprived. is that hot?  ’
‘  just because there’s always room for improvement doesn’t mean you’ll never be good enough.  ’
‘  my heart is a soft and sensitive mess.  ’
‘  all i want is a big garden and no responsibilities.  ’
‘  honestly someone not liking beyonce is a deal breaker and not for any political reasons, but just like you’re probably, definitely really boring.  ’
‘  hey guys, i’m a huge fan of genuine love and affection.  ’
‘  now i’m falling asleep and she’s calling a crab and he’s having a smoke and she’s kissing the crab.  ’
‘  i’ve been ever since i heard ‘lonely’ by akon at 9 years-old.  ’
‘  my new years resolution is to stop.  ’
‘  i’m irritated cause i’m not lovable in a romantic soulmate way.  ’
‘  i hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened.  ’
‘  i know i’m cute, but you can remind me.  ’
‘  hey, just wondering, but are you fucking kidding me????  ’
‘  i can’t wait to be in love with someone who is also deepfuck in love with me and we love each other forever n’ ever.  ’
‘  me? clingy? yes. please don’t leave me.  ’
‘  girlfriend application compatibility question: do you keep your depression pile on the bed or on the floor?  ’
‘  anything heart shaped is automatically 200% better. this is a fact.  ’
‘  today’s agenda: screaming into the abyss.  ’
‘  going from ‘today is a good day’ to ‘i hate my life’ takes me approximately 2.6 seconds.  ’
‘  everyone needs to wash their face and go to bed.  ’
‘  i’m worth so much more than the ways i’ve been treated.  ’
‘  hey, can i claim you guys as dependents on my taxes?  ’
‘  i really just ignore phone calls. like leave a message. i don’t check those either but like  ’
‘  i honestly just want to pack my bags and go travel the world and see and explore everything possible.  ’
‘  remember being little and thinking dandelions were fun or a pretty color or something and every adult in an 80 mile radius wouldn’t let you say that without screaming IT’S A WEED.  ’
‘  why did we just accept catdog?  ’
‘  my ‘stay in bed all day’ game’s too strong.  ’
‘  you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.  ’
‘  i always forget that i literally don’t owe anyone anything!  ’
‘  i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on.  ’
‘  honestly… us girls? us women? we always out here, knowin.  ’
‘  would an alien think i’m pretty?  ’
‘  i love boys, but only as a concept.  ’
‘  why do parents get mad when you sleep in all day? like i’m staying out of trouble and i’m not spending your money like what’s the issue here????  ’
‘  i identify as an inconvenience to the world.  ’
‘  i seriously regret telling anyone, anything, ever lmao  ’
‘  dating me is like dating a five year-old. i need all of your attention and i’m cranky if i haven’t had a nap.  ’
‘  i’m literally tired of myself.  ’
‘  don’t introduce me to ur parents unless you plan on marrying me because they’re going to love me and ask about me for the rest of your life lol  ’
‘  what the hell is a straight person? only straight thing i know about is the edge of my beloved sword.  ’
‘  i highly recommend never having feelings.  ’
‘  self care is going into a cornfield at night to get abducted by aliens.  ’
‘  staying up late with another human is such a weird thing like you get this special bond and a what-is-this feeling  ’
‘  do u ever feel like ur not even friends with ur friends?  ’
‘  um no offense but whom’st’ve going to loveth me?  ’
‘  date a girl who fucks everything up.  ’
‘  not all who mcfreakin wander are mcfreakin lost.  ’
‘  i may legally be an adult but don’t be fooled. i have no idea what i’m doing.  ’
‘  a fun and interesting fact about me is that i’m a fucking idiot.  ’
‘  you can start again anytime!  ’
‘  all you can do is learn your lesson. there’s no point in wishing you had did differently. the past is the past.  ’
‘  i can’t believe an angel like me has to suffer so much.  ’
‘  you’re all so obsessed with love and being loved. what about just going to sleep?  ’
‘  i’m smart, but i do dumb shit anyway.  ’
‘  tbh i never deal with my emotions. i just let them ravage my body and then go to bed and then i wake up and do it all over again.  ’
‘  first of all: i don’t know shit, so jot that down.  ’
‘  i’ll just ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ my way through life.  ’
‘  i’m tired of things costing money.  ’
‘  don’t you hate it when you’re dead inside and run out of apps to refresh?  ’
‘  who cares? do better, move on.  ’
‘  i don’t need a significant other. just a significant income.  ’
‘  appreciation for everyone who’s ever talked to me bc i’m annoying and dumb.  ’
‘  thnks fr th mntl llnss.  ’
‘  what  hasn’t killed me has just made me overly sensitive and defensive.  ’
‘  i don’t know shit ya’ll!!!!! i’m just out here.  ’
‘  binge-watching is great until you run out of the show and have to start watching it weekly like some sort of medieval peasant.  ’
‘  i’m in the wrong realm and i think everyone can tell.  ’
‘  this might come as a shock but I’m Not Feelin too good my dudes.  ’
‘  i’m alive, but only ironically.  ’
‘  there she goes again being over dramatic and by she, i mean me.  ’
‘  do you ever feel like have tried Too Hard to a friend and now you have become That Obnoxious Weirdo?  ’
‘  lgbt: lasagna! garfield’s beloved treat.  ’
‘  my favorite phrase in the english language is ‘i shit you not.’  ’
‘  i’m a real boring bitch! a snoozer!  ’
‘  i honestly look so good lounging in an oversized t-shirt and no pants. when will someone experience the blessing of domestic living w/ me?  ’
‘  you don’t understand how hard it is to take a selfie when you’re ugly.  ’
‘  you son of a mumford!  ’
‘  hi, i’m here to ruin everything.  ’
‘  you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. for example, if it’s a skeleton hand then they’re dead.  ’
‘  the year is 2020 and i am found guilty of treason against the united states for vague blogging that i hate someone and donald trump thought it was about him.  ’
‘  everybody calm down, we’re going to be fine! :))) we’ve weathered worse than this! :) :) :) :) really all this panic just seems like a huge overreaction imho   ’
‘  no beta readers. we publish our crap writing like men.  ’
‘  i need $$$$$ not feelings.  ’
‘  ‘idk imma see’ = i ain’t coming, never was coming, never considered it, never gave it a single thought, only remembered cause you asked again.  ’
‘  oops, i don’t care lol  ’
‘  why girls always crop the halo out of their selfies? stop being so modest. we know the truth.  ’
‘  maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,  ’
‘  i always get told i look like a bitch bc i’m always glaring while i walk, but i’m not glaring, i’m squinting. i have sensitive eyes. they’re watering.  ’
‘  concept: it’s 3 am. candle lit room. a record is spinning. you’re kissing me. we have no worries in the world. we’re warm and content.  ’
‘  i need to go into the forest and scream for an hour and a half.  ’
‘  pls kill all men who yell at girls from cars.  ’
‘  life really isn’t what i expected it to be. less quicksand. almost no quicksand to be honest. lots of metaphorical quicksand tho.  ’
‘  i have a question for u: like are u done… like is it over?  ’
‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive.  ’
‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. for me, it’s myself.  ’
‘  whenever i see police i always try not to act suspicious and fail internally even though i never did anything wrong.  ’
‘  new years resolution: less bitter, more glitter.  ’

Romance, Representation And You

So the last post I reblogged got some interesting comments I want to touch on, namely people stating that they don’t dislike Romance because it’s fluffy and feel good, but because it is often sexist, misogynistic, ableist, heteronormative and woefully lacking in diversity, which yes, absolutely, yes. Those are entirely valid criticisms of the genre—indeed I find them to be valid of any genre, whether it’s sci-fi, fantasy, young adult or otherwise. There is a shocking lack of diversity in our fiction and media—and not because people don’t want it or aren’t trying to make it, but because publishing houses and media can’t see the co-relation between what their marketing teams are telling them, and the actual reality that of course straight white stories are selling the best, of course it is, because you won’t sell anything else, that’s why there’s no sales numbers for anything else.

I worked in a romance publishing house for a good few years, I also worked for their erotica team, and do you know, not once did I ever come across a manuscript with a disabled person? Not a single one. There was also never a manuscript that featured a character with mental illness who wasn’t the villain, or whose issues couldn’t be Fixed With Love™(*vomit*). 

The few times a story featured non white characters, it was usually “The Best Friend Who Gives Sassy Real Advice”, or so horrifically racist that our modus operandi was to nuke it from the office servers rather than try and deal with it because how do you politely tell an author, hey, you’re a fetishistic piece of shit please find God and change the entirety of your story so we can print it, (Answer: you don’t there is no polite way to tell someone they are a  fetishistic piece of shit and you never want their work to darken your inbox ever again.) when you can instead say “Sorry, not what we’re looking for a the moment” and retreat to the relative safety of the slushpile where maybe, just maybe, a hidden gem awaits excavation.

And our publishing house prided itself on diversity because we had an LGBT section, and oh boy let me tell you I was so excited when I got moved over onto that side…only to realize, there’s no w/w fiction because “it doesn’t sell well” and 90% of the m/m fiction is being written by women for women and they fired the one gay author cause his work wasn’t “what was selling” and every bisexual character I ever encountered was either Actually Gay/Actually Straight, or surprise! The Evil Greedy Homewrecker who needs to pick a side, booo hiiiiss, grab your pitchforks and burn the witch.

And I remember, I remember looking to my senior editor who was also my friend at the time, a poly bisexual, mentally ill woman and saying “what the fuck Rebecca” (yes, her name was actually Becky) and she looked at me over our skype call and said “You want to keep your job? Deal with it.”

Because you see, Marketing reigns supreme, and Marketing doesn’t give a shit about people like you and me. It doesn’t care if the neurodivergent person wants to see people like them in fiction, it doesn’t care that people of color want to be more than just the friend/villain, they don’t care that there is more to LGBTQIA+ than the L and specifically the G, it doesn’t care if disabled people want to be represented as more than someone ele’s story arc prop. They don’t care they, don’t care, and do you know why so many publishing houses look down on indie publishing and self published authors and try to call them hacks? Because we don’t give a fuck that they don’t care and we’re doing what we want anyway.

Oh sure you get the usual “but the work is so unpolished, no one has vetted it, it’s just bad, this is why we need publishers to stop the crap from rising to the top”—and yet Fifty Shades of Grey still gets a multi-billion dollar production budget and to the top of the best seller list—do you see, where I am going with this? They’re not interested in selling the best they are just interested in selling, and we are living in a society that has a system designed specifically to a quite literally straight and narrow demographic. So of course XYZ stories sell well, of course they do, because that is where the vast majority of marketing goes, to make sure you buy into it. And Romance…Romance is a lucrative industry to be in if you can get the weight of that campaign behind you…but if you can’t? Well, not only do you have to compete with lack of funding and resources, but also the pervasive lie that because you’re not affiliated directly with X Publishing House or Y Agency, you are not good enough, and no one will want to read your story.

And that’s a bunch of baloney. It’s so much baloney you can slap it between two slices of bread and cover it in mustard because the whole thing is a ham.

Do you know what I would have loved growing up? (And still would) Stories about girls who liked people regardless of gender—and who wasn’t conflicted over it because people are people and gender is fluid and irrelevant to love. Stories about people with mental health issues, where the person is still loved and shown as functional, with their mental health issues, not despite. Stories about disabled and ill people who have fulfilling lives whose arc doesn’t revolve around being brave for simply existing or how much of a saint their families/loved ones are for putting up with them. And do you know what I get instead, even now as an adult who has worked in the industry that sells these stories? I get things like Fifty Shades of Domestic Abuse, and train wrecks like You Before Me where the death of the disabled person is seen as a romantic gesture of selflessness that sets the love interest free to fully live her life. HOW FUCKING FUCKED UP IS THAT. Oh you can argue with me all you want that wasn’t  Moyes intent when she was writing it, but it damn well was the end result.

Yes, Romance is lacking, and yes it needs revamped, it needs more cultural diversity, it needs more inclusion, it needs so many things—but it also needs for people to not want to not write for it because it’s “fluffy” and cheap, like somehow they are selling their souls away. 

I’ve got friends who have written amazing, diverse stories told from their point of view…but they won’t ever get them published because as soon as you mention self publishing or the Romance industry they turn their noses up. And they’re shooting themselves in the foot in doing so, because there ain’t no way a story about XYZ is going to make it in a sci-fi house, no matter who much tech you add in. On the flipside of that, I’ve also got a friend who has written about her experiences as a Black queer disabled woman and it’s filled with relationships and great life stuff and so funny…but she can’t get it published anywhere because she’s been explicitly made to feel like she doesn’t belong in the genre because her stories are too complex, they’re too different they’re too comedic…too…too…too (the list goes on). And that’s awful because Romance is a genre that is primarily about people and if you as a Romance house are telling me you can’t sell a story about people, boy are we well and truly fucked.

The biggest criticism of the Romance genre shouldn’t be that it’s too damn happy and therefore unrealistic and nothing but fluff. What’s unrealistic is the complete lack of diversity and inclusion in the genre that makes it so alienating that a huge part of our society immediately feels like they don’t belong. 

And that’s a bigger problem than fluff.

So great, yes fine, Romance isn’t for you, you can tell me all the time that you don’t like Romance and I will cheerfully talk to you about literally anything else. But don’t ever tell me you don’t like Romance because it’s simple and fluffy when there’s a whole wealth of actual problematic shit to dislike it for.

And to you, yes you, I’m talking to you. You with the idea in the back of your head and the worry that you’ll never be a Serious Author because all you want to write about is romance and people and angst and fluff and also thinking no one wants to read stories about people like you: take that idea and run with with it, learn from your experiences and keep doing it some more and maybe one day we’ll have the publishing industry we deserve that will acknowledge you. But until then: Rebel and Do It Anyway.

anonymous asked:

WTF was all that pure pastel pink promo shit weeks ago? I feel like I dreamt it. Now when I look at the album art and listen to the lyrics about different women and sex and I make no correlation to the pure soft vulnerable bare Harry on the cover. WTF is the hard candy lyrics? WTF is going on with 'I am not a womanizer' image. Oh yeah sex, drugs & rock'n'roll. That's what's going on. As a fan of rock music I am so proud of the album. As a fan of Harry, I am disappointed.

Hello, and thank you for your message.

I completely understand. In fact this morning I did a full rant about my thoughts on the matter via Twitter. You can read it here. Like high key, Twitter is where I have no filter and am like “THIS IS WHAT I’M THINKING!!” and Tumblr is where I’m an analytical hoe about things, so let’s analyse!

I listened to the breakfast show last night (as I am currently in LA) and then fell into a mini rage coma because I, too, was like, “What the actual fuck just happened?” Then I woke up to this:

And I was like, “Well this is probably the most damage control we’ve ever gotten or will get.”    

HOWEVER! The dichotomy from Harry rainbow-wearin Styles and this NO HOMO I HAVE HETERO SEX WITH ALL THE WOMEN Hersh makes me…uneasy. That’s the only word I can come up with. Let’s be honest, last week Harry looked about one tattoo and rainbow away from coming out. This might as well have been him at that hockey game:

And then today with this…

There’s just this constant push and pull between what Harry DOES and what he says in interviews. But I get it. I do. Harry Styles is a billion dollar commodity. Do you understand how much revenue he’s brought to Sony in the last month? He sold out a tour for music that no one had even heard in minutes. 

At one point in my vida loca I was offered a publishing deal with a company that everyone has heard of. They wanted to publish it through their non-fiction department and they wanted me to say that I had slept with a don or professor at my university. Which I hadn’t. This was during my final year at university, and whilst I’m sure my life would’ve had a much different trajectory I’m also sure that once people figured out who I am (as many have), I would probably be stripped of my hard-earned Oxbridge degree for lying and shaming my university. Which is why you’ve never read any kind of SCANDAL at Oxbridge. Just the normal undergrad sex and drinking stuff. I rank quite low on the list of outrageous alumni if you look at the last 900 years of students. 

Back to Haz. 

Whilst I never compromised my morals, I also didn’t sign any kind of deal with the devil when I was 16. We have absolutely no idea what the details of his employment are. And he is an employee. Harry is owned by someone. Whether you like it or not, the bottom line doesn’t stop at Harry, it stops at the people who are investing in him and relying on a substantial profit. 

Perhaps the rainbows and pink and very romantic vibes he’s got going on with just about any man in his vicinity thing were all put out there to test the waters. We know that they monitor the fandom, and maybe the analytics didn’t hit their “okay to be gay” criteria. I’m speaking bluntly in terms of business because I can guarantee you that Sony cares about exactly one thing: the money that they are making for themselves. 

Something else to consider when recovering from whiplash because of this complete 180 Harry’s done since last week, is that interview with that horrible woman who said, “Fans are convinced that ‘Sweet Creature’ is about your relationship with Louis Tomlinson. Is it?” After which Harry spent approximately 138 seconds saying “Uhhhhhhhh” before refusing to say “no”. He could’ve said no! He could’ve SHOUTED no, as he did at Grimmy when he said, “Here’s a song about Taylor Swift!” One thing we got from that interview is that Harry does indeed have the word “No” in his vocabulary. “No. This isn’t about Taylor Swift.” vs “Yes. I can understand why fans think this is about Louis because it is but I would lean towards them maybe being wrong.” That isn’t how you say no. And that didn’t go over anyone’s head. 

Honestly, I love this album. “Woman” is actually my favourite song from it at the moment. I can’t really listen to “Two Ghosts” because it sounds too much like “Revelry” by Kings of Leon and that song is forever associated with a very bad time for me so yeah. “Woman” just reminds me of Bennie and the Jets and 27 Dresses.    

I just wish it could’ve been left at, “ It’s much more powerful when not taken simply as what it is.” Because that’s so true. This album is so layered and brilliant and I think I’m mostly mad that they’ve reduced it to such a boring and blatant interpretation. We got the very opposite of what Harry’s been telling us when he all but said that these songs are about actual women that he literally slept with. 

So I guess my question is…what exactly is Jeffry helping with aside from bringing back a narrative that Harry seemed to have tried relentlessly to debunk?

I just can’t reconciliate the Harry that they’re pushing this week with the Harry that reacted this way to being called a womaniser in an interview:

Regardless of what you think or ship, I do think that it’s fair to feel like you’re being asked to accept two completely contrasting versions of Harry Styles right now. 

  • <p> <b>taylor swift:</b> spotify doesn't pay their artists properly. i can do perfectly fine without the money i get from the streaming, but there are younger artists out there for whom that money makes a pretty huge difference. since i am basically a giant in the music industry, i want to stand up for them and speak out on their behalf, too. which is why i will eliminate all my music from spotify until they solve this problem.<p/><b>spotify:</b> [solves the problem, pays $21M to publishers and songwriters in unpaid royalties]<p/><b>taylor swift:</b> [makes her music back available to spotify]<p/><b>y'all:</b> fake !!!! incoherent !!!!!!!! snake !!!!!!!!!!!! greedy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p/></p>
Hey psssht hey hey guess in what fan-fucking-tastic fandom I got myself in for 3 months in already pls dont kill meh

uhm… … …the last time I was in RPF hell was eons ago (KPop lol) and I have no idea how I got from one place to another this time around…

BUT I digress! There’s this one YuzuVier fanfiction that I’ve been reading since the first day it was published on Ao3 and I adore it so much aaaaHHH WHY IS DRAWING RL PPL SO MUCH AGONY it’s always the same tredding the thin line of ‘does this look okay’ and ‘omg cringe’
6

Twitter is skewering the ‘New York Post’ for a piece on why man “won’t date hot women”

  • There are a lot of ways men can broadcast to the world how much they hate women, and writing an article titled “Why I won’t date hot women anymore” is certainly one of them.
  • Such is the headline on a piece the New York Post published on Wednesday, profiling an insufferable private equity executive named David Rochkind (along with a few other like-minded New Yorkers). 
  • The 40-year-old Upper West Side resident humbly told the Post there was a time when he could have anyone he wanted, which meant he went after the “hottest girl you could find."Not anymore! Read more. (4/13/2017 10:45 AM)

anonymous asked:

what kinds of plants do u use for ur ball python enclosure? im thinking of converting to bioactive

This got pretty long, so I apologize if you were looking for a quick list lol but I am very enthusiastic about plant choices. I hope this helps!

Pothos! 

Probably at least 50% of the plants in both of my tanks are pothos. It’s incredibly easy to grow and very hard to kill (whether by living conditions or a heavy animal climbing all over it - it can usually take it). Once it gets going, you’ll have so much green in there. I love it. There’s also several color varieties so you don’t have to stick with just the green kind if you want more interesting colors: satin pothos is my absolute favorite. Marble queen (I think) is also another pretty one.

I also have: 

  • croton - beautiful plant with colorful leaves, but it gets pretty big so there has to be space for it. However, there are several kinds of croton, including small ones with different shaped leaves, that work as well. I’m not sure what the exact croton I use is called, but I think a lot of stores like walmart and lowes where i shop for plants consider it a sort of “generic” croton
  • maranta - another one that grows very quickly, and it’s beautiful, but more picky on growing conditions than pothos. My best growing maranta is on the cool/humid side under the light
  • creeping fig - this one grows pretty quickly, and looks nice. it’s small and a little more delicate while it’s acclimating. If you introduce it before the animal is in, it should be okay. If it is added later, pay it special attention daily to make sure it can acclimate. 
  • rainbow spike moss - this is one of my favorites, but i’ve found it to be quite challenging to establish. I have some growing pretty well in one tank right now (and a few growing outside my vivs just for fun), but i’ve made several attempts inside the tanks before which have all ended with a dead plant. They’re very picky. The one I have in the viv right now is planted right next to the maranta, in the cool/humid side. 
  • bonsai tree - i have one i picked up from walmart. i’m not sure what kind it is, but i really like having it in there

A few others I don’t have right now but that I’d still recommend:

  • fittonia (nerve plant)
  • polka dot plant
  • snake plant
  • spider plant
  • pilea, begonia, and/or bromeliads

I really love browsing for plants whenever I can, and if you get the chance to check out local stores with nurseries, you’ll find plenty that aren’t on this list. There are so many. The things you want to look for when considering a plant are it’s temperature, water, and light needs, as well as if it can survive a large snake sitting on top of it. Soil needs are also a factor: specific pH requirements can affect whether the plant will thrive in your substrate or not. 

As well, you’ll want to clean every plant you get, to make sure you aren’t bringing in outside contaminants that could harm your snake or other plants. Things like pests and fertilizers. It’s called plant processing, and is pretty easy and doesn’t usually take very long. You’ll also want to make sure the plant is safe for your reptile! This is my favorite list to check when looking at a new plant. It is extensive and lists the BAD plants, but also why they are bad (for instance, is it bad only if eaten, or is it bad for them to touch? etc)

If you have any other questions about this or anything else about bio, please feel free to ask! I am very happy to offer what help I can. And this goes for anyone: You can ask on anon, or if you want a private conversation, I won’t publish any asks if you don’t want them published. And I’m just as comfortable talking on the IM. Whichever makes you most comfortable I am fine with. I just want to put that out there so you don’t feel like you *have* to stay on anon if you don’t want to. 

Anyway, hope this helped, and good luck if you choose to go through with bioactive! 

  • Me: I read a lot of fantastic fanfiction by super talented writers! I read every day! It's improved my vocabulary!It makes me happy!
  • Person: Fanfic? Ew, that doesn't count
  • Me: ...
  • Me: why the hell not you overly greasy donut
Fujimaki Tadatoshi’s Interview in Entermix May 2017

Ahhhhh. Everyone was like “READ THIS INTERVIEW” so I went ahead and read this above anything else and it was so worth it because it gave me hope as a fan in despair. 

This is just a rough translation :D I just wanted to put it so people who would like to read can read it too :D

Keep reading

To young writers

Your age does not define your talent or ability to write and publish a book.

Young writers, old writers, please remember that. I’m sixteen, I write English books (my first language isn’t English) and on top of it all I have school and stress. The odds are against me.  

I’m ashamed to say that I’m ashamed to mention I am writing a book. Because when I say it I can almost feel the pity. The judgment that I can’t do it. 

Why do they believe that? Why do they not see this passion of writing -that is as important as breathing to me-  as something other than just a hobby?
Because I’m sixteen.
Don’t ever let that stop you! I’ve been turned down by critique partners, I’ll probably be turned down by agents too before they’ve even looked at my manuscript because of my age. Honestly I try to avoid mentioning my age because some people think that if I’m sixteen I’m not good at writing.

I’m not hiding it anymore. Because age doesn’t define talent. Age doesn’t define passion or ambition, age defines the time you’ve spent on earth not what you’ve done with it. 

Keep writing, keep striving towards your goal. Whether it’s publishing a book or just writing one. don’t be discouraged because the people around you don’t think you’re serious or talented because of your age. 

Talent doesn’t come with age, it comes with effort and time.  You could be as good at sixteen if you’ve been writing for 2 years as a 24-year old that’s been writing for 2 years.

anonymous asked:

Why do u think Riordan never talks about the struggles of dealing with menstruation for a demigod, like when they're on the run or on a quest? It could be that he doesn't feel comfortable writing about something he's never experienced, but then, he's written about a lot of things he's never experienced. As far as I know, he's not gay or gender queer, but he's written about those things. Am I the only who's kinda bothered by the fact that he kinda just pretends it doesn't happen?

Honestly I think it’s just because there’s a perception in publishing that no one wants to read about it. It’s not just Rick… 

Look at The Hunger Games, for example: I distinctly recall a scene where Katniss pees and then describes her pee to highlight the fact that she’s dehydrated, but I don’t recall any mention of what she did when she got her period? (If she got it at all, she was pretty malnourished so it may have stopped…) 

There’s also Hermione. To be fair, Harry Potter is told from Harry’s perspective, but over seven books I don’t think there’s a single mention of Hermione complaining about cramps, or mentioning how she’s craving chocolate, or making an offhand comment about anything at all to do with periods. 

Twilight is focused around Edward wanting to drink Bella’s blood but there’s not even a single passing thought of ‘Oh I wonder if the blood lust gets stronger when I have my period and am bleeding non stop for a few days’.

The only book similar to PJO that I’ve read that mentions periods is Tomorrow When the War Began (also written by a man), when Ellie makes a comment about being down to her last tampon after a year of living in the bush as a guerrilla fighter. 

Just a single, throwaway line like that by Annabeth would immediately make the character feel even more real. Or a mention of how she thought ahead and got the implant so she doesn’t get her period anymore, because she didn’t want to have to worry about it while saving the world. 

I agree that it would be awesome to see periods referenced in more YA. These books are aimed at the age bracket where girls are dealing with the awkwardness and pain for the first time, after all, and seeing their fictional idols dealing with it and going on to fight the bad guys and save the world would probably help them feel better through the cramping - or at least help them feel as if someone understood their struggle of having to go on with life, pretending everything’s fine and pushing through the pain while it feels like you’re being stabbed in the guts.

Of traditions and duels

There’s an old tradition that concerns the Scamanders in which the head of every family must decide who the younger members should marry. The suitors must present themselves to the head of the family and accept any kind of challenge they decide to put them through.

In Theseus’ family things are a little bit different.

Since his parents died, he became the head of the Scamander family and so far he has done a very good job of taking care of his little brother Newt. Well… he’s not so young anymore and certainly he can make his own decisions but the tradition doesn’t consider age in its statement so technically speaking Theseus is still the one who has to decide for his brother in that matter.

And that’s how the problem starts. Because, to be honest, he knows he should ignore that stupid tradition and make the arrangements for Newt to be legally capable of deciding for himself… but the war happened and a few things here and there that just have been keeping him so busy. He doesn’t have time to do it. Well… he has it now, but Newt doesn’t seem to want to get married anytime soon so…

Okay, the thing is, he doesn’t have any excuses, but since he returned from the war and his name started to be recognized not only in England but also on the other side of the globe everyone seems to be scared of him. Yes, enjoys that a little bit and also likes being respected BUT he also enjoys dueling. And now nobody wants to duel him because they’re so afraid of him.

And so one day a man arrives at his door and the utter piece of trash ask for his baby brother’s hand in marriage and of course Theseus is not pleased, not at all, so decides to use that fear on his favor and challenges him to a duel (hopping the man would just go away) but the thing is… he doesn’t and accepts in spite of being terrified.

The poor man just lasts like two seconds, but makes Theseus happy anyway and gives him a very good idea (according to him at least) and decides to establish dueling as a legal form of competition over Newt’s hand.

It works. They’re still afraid of him, but they’re willing to try it just for the chance of marrying his little brother. It’s just insane. Well he knows his brother is adorable and that he’s also appealing to the eye but he hadn’t expected something like that. Not that he’s complaining though.

But of course news travel fast and even from Merlin knows where Newt finds out and is pissed. Because his brother -bless his kind little heart- doesn’t like people getting hurt (physically or emotionally) and even less when is because of him. And ‘you know I’d have to accept the courtship and marriage if you lose Theseus and my creatures need ME’

“I won’t. Nobody can defeat me,” he says during holidays. “And you know I wouldn’t let them marry you. They don’t deserve you.”

But Newt just rolls his eyes and leaves. It takes months for him to receive a letter from his brother again.

A year after that his friend Percival, who’s working at MACUSA, comes from America to visit him. So he can help but to tell him the whole story and of course perfect and noble auror Graves goes and takes Newt’s side even though he hasn’t met his brother yet.

“You absolute idiot, what’s wrong with you?” He almost growls. “A person should have the right to choose who he wants to marry.”

“I’m not deciding for him!” Theseus rises from his chair then suddenly feeling irritated. “They don’t stand a chance against me. It’s not like I’d let any of them near my brother!”

“And what if someone defeats you? What then? What about your brother? What if he ends up with an asshole, what if he ends up with someone like Grindelwald?”

At that Theseus tries to calm himself because he knows what his friend’s been through and know understands better his reaction. He also remember that without his brother’s help Percival wouldn’t be standing in front of him. And Graves must know that too.

“I wouldn’t let it happen,” he assures, trying not to be offended at the suggestion. “Newt means so much to me.”

“But you can’t be sure,” Percival insists. “Not until you make the arrangements.”

“It won’t happen. Nobody can defeat me.”

It comes out almost as a joke and Theseus smiles, but Graves doesn’t return that smile.

“Are you sure of that?”

“C'mon, you’ve seen me fight,” he says. “Who could beat me?”

“Very well then,” Percival takes a few steps back; his expression changes suddenly, his eyes are filled with determination. He takes his wand out of his coat and puts his left hand on his back.

Theseus looks at him almost in shock when he realises what his (traitor) friend is trying to do.

“Don’t you dare!” He warns but is ignored.

“I, Percival Graves, Director of the Department of Magical Security, challenge you, Theseus Scamander, to a duel for Newt Scamander’s hand in marriage.”

And the traitor knows exactly the fucking protocol to follow. He knows he can’t refuse.

“I’m gonna kill you after we finish,” he promises.

Graves grins at him, the bastard.

“The words, you have to say the words,” he reminds him.

“I-I accept the challenge.” He blurts out and as soon as he says it he fires a spell in Percival’s director.

A spell that his friend blocks almost too easily. That’s when he realises he might have fucked up.

It’s the frist time in decades that he has to put all of his energy into it. And it would’ve been fun if it not was for the fact that he was risking Newt.

He fights with everything he has, but after a few minutes realises that maybe his friend has more experience than him.

When he watches his wand flying right into Percival’s hand he feels petrified.

“Now you understand,” Percival says and something changes in his face. “Look, I’m not going to marry your brother. He isn’t even here for Merlin’s sake, I just wanted for you to understand. You have to make the arrangements.”

A wave of relief passes through his body. Theseus nods “I’ve learned my lesson.”

Percival must have seen that in his eyes because he gives him his wand back and sits on the couch.

After a few minutes, when they’re both more calmed, Theseus decides to talk again.

“You see, since you… defeated me, you have the right to start the courtship and marry my brother.”

“I told you that I-”

“I know,” Theseus interrupts him. “And for that I’m glad, believe me. But for me to give Newt legal freedom you must reject that right first. By defeating me, a magical bond was formed and my brother and I are obligated to follow the tradition.”

“What should we do then?”

“It’s a simple spell,” he assures. “And you have to say loud and clear you won’t marry my brother.”

At that, Graves mouth presses into a fine line. His eyes look around him.

“How come I have never met your brother?” He ask, curious. “I would like to thank him for what he did in New York.”

“He travels a lot. Maybe some day I’ll introduce you two,” Theseus offers, but honestly doesn’t plan to do it.

“Why don’t you have pictures of him?”

“I have them, I just don’t like to put them for everyone to see,” he breathes, now irritated.

Percival arches his eyebrows at him.

“Can I see one?”

“When we finish here then maybe I’ll show you.” Theseus frowns when he sees Percival’s amused grin. “WHAT?”

“I won’t change my mind over a picture! Honestly Theseus!” He laughs. “Do you think I won’t renounce to the courtship if I see a picture of Newt?”

Theseus just glares at him.

“Oh for Merlin’s beard! You really do think so. Well now I’m curious, how does your brother look like? Because auror Goldstein is very fond of him you know, now I wonder…”

“Just shut your mouth Percival, just shut it,” he growls, but his friend keeps laughing.

“Right. I’m sorry. So, what about the picture?”

“I’ll show you one, after we cast the spell and you say the words,” Theseus says and it doesn’t look like he’s going to change his mind.

Percival just rolls his eyes, but agrees.

And just when they’re ready to do so, they hear a ‘crack’ outside Theseus’ house and the sound the door makes when somebody opens it.

They both rise from their sits out of instinct and Theseus watches as Percival’s shoulders relax when a messy reddish hair appears in front of them.

Theseus curses under his breath because Newt is there with his green big eyes and pure smile and many freckles like stars in the night sky and he wants to cover Newt’s face, hide him because suddenly Percival is looking at him with a stupid look on his face.

And Merlin why Newt’s smile is just so bright and he doesn’t even notice Graves and approaches his brother with a book in his hand.

“They decided to publish it!” He almost sings in excitement. “This is the final version!”

“Congratulations. I’m sure your brother is so proud of you, Mr Scamander.”

Stupid Percival, nobody asked him.

And the bastard approaches Newt like Theseus is not there at all.

“Mr Graves!” Newt blushes. “Tina told me you… She said you were better.”

“I am,” he takes another step closer. “And please, just call me Percival.”

He offers his hand and Newt looks at it before shaking it. “I’m Newt Scamander but only Newt will do. It’s how everyone calls me.”

“It is really a pleasure to meet you, Newt,” Percival says and takes his hand and presses a soft kiss on his knuckles.

Newt flushes even more and Theseus is sure that he’s gonna kill his friend. He takes Newt by the shoulders and basically yanks him away from Graves.

“You’re gonna stay a few days, aren’t you little brother?” He asks, forcing a smile. “Great because you need to rest now, you look tired so why don’t you go to your room and feed your creatures?”

At the mention of them Newt reacts, nods and gets up the stairs.

Theseus turns around to look at Percival, but notices that his eyes are still fixed on the stairs.

He clears his throat. The other auror looks at him and somehow seems flustered.

“I changed my mind,” he blurts out.

Theseus shakes his head. No, definitely not.

“I want to court Newt,” he continues as if his friend isn’t looking at him like he wants to tear him apart. “I’ll take care of him, I promise.”

“You utter cock! You said-”

“I know what I said,” he frowns. “I just… I’m human, you know? And he’s… Merlin help me he’s so bright and warm… I’m sorry but I’m not gonna let an opportunity like this slip through my fingers.”

“What happened to 'let him make his own decisions’?”

“I’m gonna court him and if at the end of it he doesn’t want me, I’ll let him go,” Percival promises, looking like someone just punched him.

Good, because Theseus wants to do much at the moment.

“I don’t like it.”

“But you have to let me, right?”

“Right.” Theseus admits but clenches his fists.

And then, his not-so-best-friend-after-all starts to court his baby brother.

Fucking stupid marriage traditions. He always hated them.

“You... you think so, huh?”

NEW SCAMANDER REALIZING HE HAS A HIGHLY DEBILITATING CRUSH ON YOU WOULD INCLUDE…

+ he’d talk to his creatures about you
+ like, he’d ask them for advice and one time Jacob walks in on it and stares for a long moment before slowly backing away…
+ clumsy Newt
+ but like, newt is always clumsy so no one notices
+ but Queenie would obviously figure it out and purposefully try and get you two alone
+ nervous, fidgety Newt
+ but still, that’s super common so no one notices
+ whenever you guys are together Picket tries to mime that Newt loves you
+ but Newt always shoves him back into his pocket, speaking to Picket very quickly, his British accent increasing tenfold
+ even Tina knows but she doesn’t get involved
+ because, like, she doesn’t really care and love is beyond her anyway
+ but like, we all know Newt is the biggest cinnamon roll ever
+ and it shows
+ and he also seems to have some kind of psychic ability?
+ like, he knows you better than everyone else
+ that’s the power of observation
+ he knows all of your favorite restaurants and what you get there
+ he can tell when you don’t like something but are trying to be polite
+  he can tell when you’re hiding something
+ because let’s be honest, you’re terrible at keeping secrets
+ but he never says anything
+ he has the cutest smiles when you walk into the room
+ and you know he tries to hide them by looking down or suddenly finding interest in potted plants
+ and when you leave his eyes grow twice their size and he looks so much like a tiny puppy it’s insane
+ and you know he likes to watch you interact with animals
+ but not in a creepy way
+ and when you catch him staring you comment on it and he stumbles over his words
+ and you think it’s so cute
+ and like, Newt blushes
+ hardcore
+ anytime anything happens ever
+ and you think it’s so cute
+ and like, you constantly ask him what color his eyes are
+ and sometimes he pretends that it annoys him
+ but deep down it makes him so happy
+ because you actually stare at his eyes long enough to care about what color they are
+ and when you find out what his full name is, you always use it
+ and he secretly thinks it’s the cutest thing ever
+ and when I say secretly, we all know it’s not a secret
+ like, he blushes and everyone knows
+ but everyone pretends like it’s normal
+ and like, you know that Newt likes you after two weeks
+ and you know he won’t do anything about it
+ so you have to break the ice
+ and you wait for the perfect moment to do so, but while you wait you’re super awkward too
+ and one day he’s talking about going back to England to publish his book
+ “Please don’t go.”
+ “What?”
+ “Don’t leave me.”
+ and he looks at you with a pained and confused look and you pull him into a huge hug
+ “I love you.”
+ and then Queenie, Tina, and Jacob come rushing in with party poppers yelling “YAAAASSSSSS”

AND ABSOLUTE FLUFF ENSUES.

Updated F.A.Q.

1) How do you pronounce your name?

It’s pronounced the same way as Maeve, it just has an Irish spelling.

2) How long have I been drawing for?

As soon as I could hold a paintbrush I was painting. Both my parents are designers who went to art college so I was encouraged at a super young age.

3) Have you taken any art classes?

Yes, I chose art as one of my subjects all through secondary school (high school I guess is the closest thing), I also did an art class outside school for about 2-3 years but I eventually grew out of it and just wanted to do my own thing. And now I am in Limerick School of Art and Design studying Animation and Motion Design. However, I would still classify what I post on Tumblr/Instagram as self taught because that all came from me, not a teacher.

4) Biggest Inspirations

I’m so inspired by so many thing so it is basically whatever I find eye catching so that might be; People, art styles, colour palettes, compositions, lighting etc.

Professionals:

I have been a fan of both Tony DiTerlizzi and P.J. Lynch for as long as I can remember, with my mom working for Candlewick Press in MA when we lived in America we always had hundreds of children’s books growing up, but those two illustrators have always stuck out in my mind. But more recently I have become absolutely obsessed with Jim Kay, I have the illustrated versions of the two Harry Potter books that have come out and my illustrated version of A Monster Calls is breath-taking. I also have the most gorgeous version of The Boy in Striped Pyjamas that was illustrated by Oliver Jeffers.

Glen Keane, Ollie Johnson, Frank Thomas, Milt Kahl are all animation heroes in my opinion, but I have such a huge soft spot for the company Cartoon Saloon, who are an Irish based animation company who created ‘The Secret of Kells’ and 'Song of the Sea’, obviously because of Irish pride but also because I was lucky enough to go to the studio and meet all the lovely people there who were nothing but kind and supportive of my work.

Gustav Klimt is my favourite painter because of the emotion he is able to capture with such subtlety.. that’s what I want my drawings to show.

Tumblr Artists:

@brittanymyersart @may12324 @alexis-page @corvuxredux@petitrequin @thomkemeyer @cranesketch@celialowenthal @perplexingly @lazyleezard @batcii @kathuon@norhuu @loish @elephantfist @cassandrajp @nesskain @starpatches @lilabeanz @jmeemarie @pheberoni @johannathemad @quillery @franco-e @lexlambs @bellemrdch @jociemamacie @galaxyspeaking @charliebowater @projectnelm @thingsiphotoshopped andsomany others!

5) How long does it take to finish a piece?

It really depends on the day, sometimes it can take an hour, sometimes a couple of days

6) What materials do I use?

For sketching I use lead pencils over 2B, drawing pens, markers, oil pastels, compressed charcoal and watercolour pencils - they tend to have the best pigmentation.

7) What Software do I use?

I draw with Photoshop, record speedpaints with OBS, and edit the videos with Premier Pro.

8) What tablet do I use

I use a Wacom Intuos tablet.

9) Do I take commissions and request?

I tend not to take requests, and I have in my blog description whether my commissions are open or not.

10) Can I repost your drawings?

Not on Tumblr, if you want to post them on Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Pinterest just make sure you provide a link back to my Tumblr blog or my Instagram which is “meabhusd”

11) Can I make edits/colour in your drawings?

Yes of course, but once again, just link back to me.

12) Can I use your drawings as an avatar/header imagine?

Yes you can.

13) How old are you?

I was born on the 24th of April 1996

14) How do I create character designs

Well every time I read a book I will keep a notebook beside my bed to take down all the descriptions of the characters. Of course it is not enough to just have the physical descriptions of characters in my opinion. I always take into account the characters background/personality/settings etc. All of these elements contribute to a better and more interesting design. For example; if a character has a job working outside doing physical labour, they will probably have stronger bodies, more scars, freckles, sunburn or tans.

15) How do I make characters look more diverse?

Same-facing characters is one of the hardest habits to break and I struggled with it for such a long time! Still do. My advide would be to use references of multiple ethnicities first. After that you would be surprised how different a character can look if you change eyebrows, hairlines, jawlines, cheekbones, noses, lips and bodyweight. If you are relying on a different hairstyle to distinguish between each of your characters it wont work. Also adding features like scars/moles/freckles/facial hair can really make your characters unique.

16) Do I have any OCs?

Yes I do, though they are very under developed. I tend to be quite shy about posting about them because they are more personal than fanart, it’s almost intimate to me. They are under they tag 'meabhd’s ocs’.

17) Do you have any other blogs?

I have one for my college work @meabhd-art but it is very different to this one. Much more traditional work and a lot more abstract..

18) Why do I keep Anon asks off?

I have always been quite private and prefer when I feel like I’m talking to someone rather than a thing? I also have anxiety and it makes me nervous not knowing who is talking to me. I answer every single question, though I only publish them sometimes and I am more than happy to answer questions privately if you are not comfortable having a question published.

19) How do I get over art slumps?

Art slumps are so hard, like I’ve had my fair share of them! I find that they come from a place of repetition? So you keep drawing in the same format, or the same characters. So my advice is to change up and element of how you draw, it’s as easy as using a new brush of photoshop, but it will trigger a problem solving part of your brain that will try and adapt the new element to your style or whatever so it’s more interesting to draw.

20) Do you have any tutorials?

Yes they are in the tag “tutorial”

anonymous asked:

do you think there's any reason to worry about the "family thing " Phil's been away for? He went somewhere two weeks ago and dan said the same thing. i dunno

Anonymous said:
dan said that Phil left to see family but it’s the 2nd time in 2 weeks, any theories or thoughts? Because some people were saying that Dan seemed a bit pissy, and I don’t fully agree but he didn’t seem as happy as usual.

I had five asks similar to this so forgive me for not publishing them all. This is one of those topics I already feel impatient with so I am definitely not going to make it through responding to all of them. The whole weird distrusting anxious leaping to the worst assumptions trend the phandom is on just exhausts me. Friends, take a deep breath, calm down, they are literally happier and more open than they’ve ever been, stop convincing yourselves that there is some imaginary other shoe that’s going to drop constantly. That’s no way to live. 

But to answer you: Why would there be reason to worry about Phil going on a family thing? Considering Cornelia tweeted about being at an airport, it’s not unreasonable to think that it was genuinely just a family thing. And is he obligated to say exactly where he is and what he’s doing if he’s seeing family? What, so fans can pop up wherever he’s at or stalk down his family members there? There are a lot of reasons he could travel twice in a month and not want us to know exactly where he’s at. 

Even if it’s not a family thing, why would you immediately worry about that? Say it’s work; he’s probably contracted not to say anything yet if it’s a project that hasn’t been announced. Are you upset because Dan isn’t with him? They are allowed to work independently of each other. And if it is a family thing, why is that upsetting? Again, because Dan isn’t with him? Dan literally just finished talking in this liveshow about how he’s anxious interacting publicly with people and doesn’t want attention, and how he needs to be alone in order to recharge and find creative energy. Does that sound like someone who really wants to throw him into an extended family situation if he doesn’t have to? 

Their lives are vast and expansive beyond what is made available to us. This increasingly frequent reaction feels more like as an audience Dan and Phil fans (and often youtuber fans in general) pride themselves on feeling like they know everything they’re doing, and they feel threatened by Dan and Phil doing something that we don’t know every detail to about therefore that sense of threat is projected back onto Dan and Phil. Not only is that not fair to anyone, it’s also just not fun for the rest of us and surely not for them, either. 

Imagine Chris being your rock.

A/N: This piece is going to be more than just about the angst and the fluff, it’s about addressing a serious issue in both my own life and society; an issue that seems to carry a stigma that prevents one from talking about it without shame. Now I started writing because it was the only time where I felt like I had true control over anything, over myself- over life. It’s honestly the reason I’m still alive sometimes. (Super dark, I’m sorry.) I have had an eating disorder for years now, and this is possibly the first time I’m publishing a story where I properly address that because I feel like Tumblr is a safe space and perhaps there is someone reading who will find comfort in my words and seek the help that I, too, am afraid to seek. First of all, you are not alone. Secondly, I know how scary it is. Thirdly, we are beautiful despite how often our reflection tell us we are not. Lastly, you are worthy and you deserve a love like this. Why am I writing this now, while I’m on my holiday having the time of my life? Because mental disorders don’t stop when you’re on holiday, and they don’t stop when you’re working, or studying for a major exam. I just want those who are suffering from this, or depression, or anxiety to know that I am with them always. ❤️

You tapped your pen anxiously against the table as you reread your food diary entry for the day. All the while you could hear the voices in your head telling you that “it’s too much”, that “you failed”, that you needed to “do better” and “be better”, and the harder you tried to ignore said voices, the louder they got. You lowered your pen and closed your notebook, taking slow breaths as your eyelids blackened your vision. You were okay, there was always tomorrow. You could eat less tomorrow; you’d succeed tomorrow; you’d be better and do better tomorrow.

You broke from your concentration when you heard Chris come through the front door, calling out to you. “Babe, I’m home!” Relief escaped your lungs as if he were the only thing capable of saving you from yourself. You returned yourself to your bittersweet reality, stowing your food diary in your top desk drawer where it lived with all your other notebooks; all filled with your thoughts, both blissful and pained.

“Hey you,” Chris smiled at you when you entered the kitchen. You managed one back, despite how tired and heartbroken you were; Chris noticed, but he said nothing knowing it would cause you to break down if he asked. “How was your day?” He asked as you forced your way into his arms, burying your face in his chest.

“Same old,” you mumbled, appreciating how comforting his touch was. He stroked your back gently, peppering soft kisses onto the top of your head. “How was yours?” You quizzed, glancing up at him for a moment before pressing your face back into his chest. God, he smelt so good; he smelt more than just his refreshing cologne, he smelt like warmth and kindness and happiness. He smelt like a dose of everything you needed after the day you had.

“Better now that I’m with my girl,” he smiled, giving you a tight squeeze before he released you. You leaned against the island counter while Chris proceeded to unpack the small bag of groceries he’d brought back with him. “So I’ve been thinking,” he glanced back at you, feeling his heart ache at the sight of your tired eyes. “Why don’t we go away for the weekend? We can rent a cabin, go immerse ourselves in the quiet forest. It’ll be nice, don’t you think?”

You knew Chris only suggested going out to a cabin when he was worried about you. It didn’t start out like that, it started off as a getaway where the two of you could spend some time alone without modern technology and people getting in the way. But over the years, it’d become a retreat where one could rid oneself of all the stress, and the emotional dread, and the weight of the world that was on one’s shoulders; that one being you, and occasionally Chris when he was having a particularly stressful time. It was a nice place to be because you wouldn’t have anything to stress and trigger you; you could just exist, drinking the calm and the quiet that Mother Nature provided. But it was also a horrible place to be because Chris would take that opportunity to talk to you, to worry and fuss about you, to love you with a love that you didn’t feel like you deserve, and unlike the city, you’d have no where, nothing, and no one to hide behind.

“I don’t know,” your fingers played with your right earlobe; a nervous tick Chris had deciphered over the years. “I feel like this isn’t a good time. You’re busy with work and I’m busy with work- I don’t think now’s a good time to have a getaway.”

“I think it’s because we’re so busy that we need a getaway,” he countered. “We can’t keep working ourselves to the bone, Y/N.” Especially not mentally, he thought but he didn’t say out loud. “I’m about to leave for Infinity War, now’s a good a time as any for us to have some alone time.” You let out a quiet sigh, but stopped arguing because you knew from Chris’ firm tone that saying no wasn’t an option. “Pack a bag, okay?” He kissed your cheek and you nodded with a forced smile. “We’ll leave in the morning.”
• • • • • • • •
The car ride out to the cabin wasn’t as bubbly as your usual car rides together; there was a fog of emotions, but happiness wasn’t one of them. You didn’t sing or joke, and you most definitely didn’t eat anything. It broke Chris’ heart to see you like this, and it broke yours to see what you were doing to him. It was actually your biggest fear to hurt him the way you were which was why you rejected him when he asked you out the first few times. He had this light in his eyes that you didn’t want to kill with your dark, you’d done enough of that over the course of your existence.

You’d lost friends, and boyfriends, and even some members of your family- you didn’t want to invest in another person only to lose them too. But Chris was persistent. He respected your decision to not be with him romantically, but remained in your life as a friend. A very good friend- a best friend that you couldn’t help but fall in-love with. He was the perfect man, he cared for you and loved you unconditionally. Even after finding out about what you suffered from, he didn’t go anywhere. He was one of the few who promised you a lifetime and actually proved he’d keep his promise, and so you let your walls down and allowed him into your life as your romantic partner.

Two and a half years later, after dozens of panic attacks and days where you’d avoid food altogether, you were still with him and he was as in-love with you as the first time he saw you. Till this day you didn’t understand why, because to you, you were unlovable. But that wasn’t how Chris saw you, he knew you weren’t your disorders; you were intelligent, and talented, and strong, and beautiful, and resilient. He loved you because of all that, but most of all, he loved you because you remained kind despite the constant hell you were dragged through. You may not have seen what he saw, but you were every bit the girl you aspired to be, and until you saw yourself in that same light- he wasn’t going to stop working you towards that.

“Hey.” You turned away from the window when Chris reached for your hand and pulled it onto his lap as he gave it a light squeeze. “What are you thinking about?” He asked then lifted your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles. You felt your lips quirk into a smile; that was an act of affection you’d never get tired of.

“Nothing,” you shook your head.

“Do you want to know what I’m thinking about?” He quizzed and you nodded. “How much I love you.” He threw a grin your way and you managed a laugh; he smiled because that was what he loved to hear. “You make me feel like I’m the luckiest man on the planet everyday, Y/N.” He forced himself not to well up when he saw you did. “Everyday,” he repeated in a firmer tone.

“I feel the same way about you, Chris,” you squeezed his hand and smiled. “I love you to a point where you could easily ruin me,” you admitted under your breath as you pulled your hand from his. You didn’t mean for Chris to hear it, but he did and he understood it. It was the same for him; you were going to be someone he’d never get over if he was ever unlucky enough to lose you.

“I’m never going anywhere,” he glanced at you as you closed your eyes, pretending to drift off. “You know that, right?” He waited for an answer, but he didn’t get one. “I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with you, sweetheart.” He said as he came to a stop at a red light. He leaned over the gearbox and kissed the side of your head gently, whispering as he pulled away, “don’t you worry.”
• • • • • • • •
Chris watched you over the table as you unconsciously stared at your food. You were so used to contemplating the pros and cons of consuming anything that you didn’t even realize you were doing it until you called yourself out. It was incredibly heartbreaking for Chris to see that you couldn’t even do what humans were meant to do in order to survive without first spending hours fighting yourself on it. The motto you lived by: eating is a choice, not a necessity.

You had good days where you could eat and not feel like your entire world was falling apart, then you had bad days where you couldn’t even eat a salad without feeling like you needed to throw it back up. It was so fickle that you didn’t know if you were actually suffering from an eating disorder, or if you were just a health nut who wanted to look good. But no health nut would do what you constantly did to yourself, there was something definitely wrong with you.

Chris could still remember when he first confronted you about it, it was probably one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. You weren’t dating when he found out about your eating disorder, but he was already in-love with you so it didn’t stop his heart from shattering at the sounds of your cries. It didn’t seem like normal crying to him, it was as though he could hear your soul break. The pain you were in was immense but mental, and nothing he did could’ve taken it away. In that moment, seeing the love of his life bawl her eyes out, he thought he’d died and gone to hell.

“Are you going to eat that?” Chris asked gently.

“Um…” You looked up at him, your eyes glistened. “Yeah,” you forced a smile, “I am.” You picked up your knife and fork and poked at the roasted chicken breast on your plate before cutting a small piece and putting in into your mouth. “It’s good,” you mumbled after swallowing.

Now he didn’t want to push you, but his worry had reached the edge of the cliff. You needed to eat something and you needed to eat it now because he didn’t want you to get lightheaded or suffer from gastric pains again. “Y/N,” he began with a sigh.

“What?” You were frustrated with yourself and on the verge of crying. “I’m eating, aren’t I?”

“You have to try harder than that,” he told you. Both of you could both hear how worried he was for your physical and mental health, and that he was on the verge of crying too. “I know how difficult this-” he began but was cut off.

“I love you, Chris, but you don’t.” You shook your head as you rose to your feet, weeping as you did. “And I really don’t want to do this with you right now. Excuse me,” you walked out of the dining room and headed straight for the backdoor so you could take a walk and calm down.

The air was crisp outside. Actually, it was a lot colder than your unprotected body could endure. You wrapped your arms around yourself, rubbing warmth through your thin sweater. You heard the door open then heavy footsteps crunching towards you, you closed your eyes and fought the urge to cry as Chris draped your coat over your shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, rubbing your arms. “You’re right, I don’t get it. If you’re not ready, then- you’re not ready.” Your shoulder shook gently as you cried as quietly as you could. “I can’t force recovery on you, I can just be here for you as you recover. I’m sorry, Y/N,” he repeated as he gently turned you around. “I’m really sorry, sweetheart.” He cupped your face in his hands and brushed away your tears, starting to cry himself. “I’m sorry you’re going through all this, I’m sorry you think you’re not beautiful because you are.”

“I’m broken, aren’t I?”

“No,” he shook his head then pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly against him. “You’re not broken, you’re just lost right now. But we’re going to get you out of this, okay?” He rubbed your back soothingly as you cried into his shoulder. “I promise you, this pain isn’t going to be forever.” He pulled back to take your face in his hands again, “and I always keep my promises, don’t I?” You nodded, sobbing. “So believe me, you’re going to be okay.”

“I love you,” you choked out as he pulled you back in for another hug.

“I love you too,” he whispered, clutching onto you as tightly as he could.

Tags: @chrisevans-imagines @widowsfics @m-a-t-91 @xoxomioxoxo @imaginesofdreams @ateliefloresdaprimavera @katiew1973 @winter-tospring @shamvictoria11 @caitsymichelle13 @michellekeehlmello @letterstomyself21 @soymikael @faye22 @always-an-evans-addict @sammyrenae68 @brobrobreja @elizabeth-matsuoka @thegirlwiththeimpala @camerica96 @all-of-the-above11 @captainamerica-ce @whenyourealizethisisntagoodname @yourtropegirl @smoothdogsgirl @createdbytinyaddiction @siofrataylor @dreamingintheimpalawithdean @imaginary-world-of-mine @wanderingkat77 @grantward3 @rileyloves5 @chrsmom302 @buckys-shield @mylittlefandomfanfictions @breezykpop @catch-me-im-a-falling-star @tabi-toast @ssweet-empowerment @hayleesteashoppe @chrixa @feelmyroarrrr @akidura79 @louisespecter @castellandiangelo @ccrossfire @assxmblesstuff @edward-lover18 @princessesnaddy @1d-niallerbieberforever @dxbrevgrey @bellastellaluna @christopher-or-steven (I am so sorry for this angsty piece, I just needed to get some stuff out. I’ll get back to the fluff after this, I promise. Don’t quit me ❤️)