why am i not there all the time

anonymous asked:

Why does every ask u get feel like u asked it urself

LISTEN, i literally get asks all the time that say things like “what’s your snapchat and can i follow you? :)” and i don’t answer them because i’m scared people will think i sent them to myself to promote my snapchat PLEASE I AM SUFFERING SO MUCH

oh my god i am about to tell you a fukcking story of the best thing that has happened to me all week i am still laughing

so my 10yr old sister was trying to ask my dad if he can buy lentils the next time he goes to the store but for some fucking reason, she couldn’t remember the word ‘lentils’ so what she ended up saying is “dad next time you go shopping can you buy lesbians?”

and my dad just slowly looked at me, then back at her and goes “why would i need to buy lesbians when your sister is already one?”

and i am deceased



when i look at people, i get the feeling that i am looking at them but i am not looking at all. i’m not looking at anyone at all, really. i just gaze at myself from different angles. different ages, haircuts, heights. expressions.

i never see new faces. i see myself multiplied. i cannot talk to new people without feeling a sense of repetition / of again / of boredom. i have no patience. i think that to get to know someone you must be very selfless and i am not. i am very full of myself. of my own image. when i look into a stranger’s eyes i cannot admire the width of their pupils. i just look for my reflection all the time. i don’t know why.


i want to always be undressed because i believe that clothes give people a sense of shame and they act as a barrier. i imagine walking naked on the street, talking to people without any shield. it makes me feel relaxed. i want to be fluid. like cinema. i don’t like stopping the frames and overthinking. i want to follow my very own script. i want to pronounce the lines i have written for myself correctly and i want my emotions to be minimal.

i don’t like thick books. i don’t like talking to someone for the first time. if i must talk to you for the first time or if you must talk to me for the first time, i am not interested in your presence in the first place. if we did not meet before, not in person but as ideas of each other, as archetypes, i am not interested in revealing myself or my words to you.

sometimes i get loud. i try to block the thoughts in my head but most of the time i end up quite quiet internally, analysing each movement / each blink / each inflexion. i am full of myself and i have no room to let others in. i am full of myself and i need room to let others in. i am full of myself and void of you.



i know so little about time. i only think of time when you are not around. when we are not speaking while we take care of our lives. i see this very soft sand slipping through fingers and little smiles and little gestures of affection or someone leaning in too closely and inspecting my entire face…mmm. i don’t think of time at all unless i think of all the years left unheard, unspoken. without you. i find myself at a loss of …it gets quiet sometimes in my brain. i need to vocalise and try to give myself an inner voice. stimulate myself. i ask myself ‘what do you think about the color of the sky today?’ and i answer ‘i think it’s quite gloomy’. stimulation of the self is highly important.

i hold my breath and i count to eight but sometimes i can hold it for a longer time so i can go up to nine or even twelve seconds. my cheeks grow pale and then i exhale for just as long as i held my breath and i feel relived. 

i must always hold my breath sometimes so that i can remember what it felt like to be underwater and how it feels now to be on the shore. with you.

Stop sending me inappropriate asks. Stop telling me to delete my blog and stop telling me it is bad because I bet you that you could never, ever do what I do. You’re a coward and you’re pathetic. Why don’t you deal with having 130 asks sitting in your inbox and doing work all the time for no money just because you enjoy it? Or staying up till 1am to finish school work and then realize you haven’t updated your blog and stay up till 3? I don’t deserve this type of disrespect–go, make your own blog and I’ll watch you suffer, you’ll never be who I am or do what I do so stop giving me such a terrible time.

i know y’all saw how maia smiled when she said her thing with jace was nothing personal


dronwen  asked:

Good I understand. I get good. Not an adherent, personally, but I see where it's coming from. But why law? What does it do for people? It separates, it condemns, it gives some people permission to do violence to others while forbidding retaliation. Why is that worth pursuing? What does it offer, outside the tenets already enumerated as part of Good? Why are you Lawful?

A variety of reasons. Personally, I like order in my life, and am not comfortable with the unplanned most of the time. I like being straightforward and honest, not assuming that their is an underlying motive behind everyone and everything. I value honor, truth, and fairness, and an expectation of how people should act. Those are related and to and under the purview of law.

As for society, law by itself is intended to be a partner of good. To quote another paladin “An ideally lawful environment provides the safety net under which all societal interactions and risks may be conducted. after all, how do you know that stranger you’re talking to isn’t lying to you? how do you know the food you bought from Trader Whatsit doesn’t have worms in it? because they will be arrested if they’re found out and that is something they would rather avoid. law allows you to trust in strangers, to a degree where you can interact with them without the crippling paranoia that they’re going to double cross you at the first opportunity – simply because both they and you are aware of the consequences”  

Goodness by itself lacks a directed shape. You can have all the good intent in the world, but without a way of directing it, it’s formless, waiting to be used in a way that benefits. Law by itself can be as you said, made with arbitrarily, or with malevolent or self serving intent. In our less than ideal world, the law has been used as just one more tool of ignoble intent. That’s where people like I come in. To bring things back into the light, scour them clean, and treat others how they ought to be treated. Together, that makes people devoted to the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law.

It’s not the only way to be a good person. A nontraditional approach, breaking down bad systems, or being flexible enough to see the good of any course of action, are strengths that should be fostered. But this is my way, the way of honor, compassion, and justice rolled into one. And I would not change it. Not today.

in preparation for finally seeing Neurosis this week, i am entering my annual summer phase of listening to metal, wherein i always observe “oh right, this is the best kind of music” and wonder why i don’t listen to it all of the time

anonymous asked:

Why aren't you excited? :(

Because I’ve been there when 2x07 happened. I was so hyped for this episode, I’ve listened to Todd and I was really… I really thought it would be the best ep of all times with all the Malec goodness. 

But it didn’t. Not just did they hype that damn episode as “Malec Mania” and didn’t deliver but the episode overall was a mess. And then the conclusion in 2x08 where we hear about them having sex via a fucking shovel talk… let’s just say that I am still bitter about this, especially from a writer’s point. Like…. how could anybody let this happen. It is still beyond me.

And now… I guess I just have learned my lesson to not get my hopes up. Like with 2x12 and “Alec being so sweet to Magnus” but we all know it wasn’t the real Magnus. I just don’t trust these people anymore and I believe it when I see. Because… I really fear that the fandom is now all so hyped up but what if they mess this up all over again? We know that this is totally damage control. I just… I am too old and too realistic maybe, I dunno…. but I believe this all when I see it. I’ve got burnt too many times to lose my mind over this. As sad as it sounds.

starletecarlate  asked:

how long did it take you to get really good at digital art? i feel like i'm not growing and was wondering if you faced any similar frustration:/

I’ll tell you when I get there. Trust me, I am experiencing the exact same frustration like all the time. I look at my art and it’s not what I want to see. Of course I notice some improvement (I used to draw such huge heads idk why xD) but it’s really microscopic. I’m aware I don’t study as much as I should, that I don’t challenge myself enough, I’m lazy and I’m pretty annoyed with myself. The only thing I feel ok about is that I draw basically almost every day. But I’m not satisfied with stuff I create, I don’t experiment enough, I don’t push my limits… Anyway, when I get really good at digital art I’ll let you know how long it takes :)

(If you’re asking about getting familiar with a drawing program, I still try to figure out how sai works xD But some people are smarter…)

anonymous asked:

Why are people getting this pressed over your posts? Riverdale and a blog about Cheryl Blossom are really ruining peoples days like this?

I gained way too many followers in such a short period of time. My blog is like 9x the size of my mutuals blogs, I have no idea WHY I’ve gained this much attention but granted it attracts so much negativity. I don’t know if this is correct, but in my eyes, I am the most hated LGBT Riverdale blog (I’m not tryna sound entitled it’s just kind of true) I basically dominated the beronica tag for so long I really made a name for myself. To the point where a 52 year old witch sends her horny 12 year olds on me. I receive this amount of negativity because it’s easy. Big target means more people it’ll hit. People take Riverdale so seriously tbh and take their frustrations of criticisms out on me

Why is everyone so determined to hate on Joss Whedon now? He’s a good writer but not perfect and he can mess at times like with Black Widow’s characterization in AOU and the could have been Wonder Woman script. But that doesn’t mean you should crucify the man. I, for one am excited about the Batgirl movie. And you can’t judge a movie without seeing the trailers or actual movie. Cause this is the guy who brought us Buffy, Firefly, and Serenity. All I believe have women who are awesome. Buffy even had a lesbian relationship which was treated like it was just as normal as a straight relationship. Which, considering the time it came out is pretty frickin amazing.

So please stop hating on someone who has had only a couple mishaps so far.


Author’s Note:

Soooooooo, I may have written Dream Daddy fan fiction….

It’s about Damien and his life and flower meanings because I am an enormous Victorian nerd, so I know about all the cool flower meanings and all.

It’s kinda like a character study?

Basically, it’s cute, it’s one of the longest things I’ve ever written and I have spent so much time writing this shiz, so I might as well post it.

(This may end up becoming a series of lgbt character studies based around flowers. Don’t ask me why, but it might.)


Flowers had always fascinated him. They were the brightness on the cracked sidewalk outside his house (he refused to call them weeds). The only nice thing in the quaint garden of their terraced house. The only real constant in his young life.

By a young age, he knew the name of every single one in his area and the ones he couldn’t find out? Well, he instead named them himself. 

His step mother had loved his interest. She saw him taking care of the garden and him learning about it as a chance to “bond with her darling step daughter”. The garden soon filled with the flowers they planted: sunflowers, roses, lilies, cinquefoil. He had wanted to be left alone, but she was the one who gave him the money for the seeds, so he accepted her help. 

Turns out she could be quite pleasant.

And that she was allergic to pollen.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Say, Toriel, now that you have FOUR kids, all male, don't you'd think they'd benefit from having a male father figure in their lives? I know a few online dating sites that happen to work across dimensions…(Please note that I don't actually think this, I just wanted to see your reaction. I get it if you don't want/don't have time to date.)

“While I … appreciate the thought, I … am not particularly interested in dating at the moment. I am quite busy taking care of my children and am most content with my current life.”

“why would we need a father figure?”




“yeah, it’s mom’s choice. ‘sides, itd be kinda weird to have someone else livin in our house.”


“that’s different.”


“theyre cool.”


“and maybe he wouldnt.”


please read.

as time goes on and summer passes, i’m left with issues that i don’t know how to solve. i know everyone here is feeling something other than happy, and in no way am i trying to join in and make the bigger issues here about myself. which is actually why i’ve stopped myself from posting about my issues and telling you guys about it. all i’ve been wanting to do is make my followers friends and fellow fandom mates happy, bc this fandom has been filled with such sadness over the past week. but that’s a problem i always had; trying to make others happy before myself. i’m not saying this is a bad quality, but it does take a toll on a person when they don’t address their issues. mine may seem minor to some but to me it’s literally ruining my image of myself.

i’ve dealt with body issues and insecurity my whole life. as a baby i was called cute but once i hit elementary, i was constantly picked on. guys would physically hurt me bc i wasn’t pretty like the other girls, and girls would call me ugly and fat and whatever other names they could think of back then. this followed me up until recently, when i had just gained new found confidence in myself, but this confidence has been dwindling. since middle school, i’ve had minor eating problems, that i don’t even know if you’d count as ‘problems’. i tend to sleep a lot of the day so i don’t have the urge to eat, and when i do get the urge to eat, i just drink heeps of water. i work out on an empty stomach a lot of the time, and do things to make myself go to the bathroom multiple times throughout the day. when my family and i go out to eat, i only pick at my food saying i’ll 'get a box’ but never even finish it when we get home. and keep in mind, i’m anemic. so doing this only makes my condition worse.

now this may not sound bad to most of you considering a lot of you have gone through worse, and i’m not trying to make myself sound like the most over dramatic person, but i don’t know how to help myself. i’m still not 100% proud of who i am, and on most days i honestly hate who i am. i post pictures and try to doll myself up to make myself feel good, but once i see someone even remotely better, i put myself down, cry, don’t eat, and end up sleeping it off until the next day, and then it happens all over again. my past has a major part to do with this and i’ve accepted that, but i don’t know how to let it stop affecting me.

you guys have been the best help by complimenting me, being there for me, and making me feel as if i’m doing something right. when some of you say things like 'why isn’t ethan with you yet?’ or 'ethan’s missin out big time’ it really makes a difference in my day, even if some of you say it to be nice. it’ll never come true. ethan probably has never noticed me and never will, he could get any girl he wants so why pick me yaknow? and that, i’ve also accepted.

so, long story short, if on some days i need time to myself and i’m not on this blog so much, know that i am trying to recover and help myself get healthier and better. i’m still dealing with depression and anxiety daily, but if i can fix myself step by step then i can get better within time. some blogs have taken time off, but honestly you guys have helped me feel better. with every comment, like, reblog and message, i’ve gained more friends than i ever deemed possible. thank you for everything. i’ll be here reblogging and supporting the boys until i feel i need a day to myself, but i’m not going anywhere for a long time.

all the love, K 💜


Comic Con is over but not in our hearts, right?  I don’t actually know what that means but I had to start this somehow. Madelaine Petsch was there with the rest of the Riverdale cast and the entire CW and hey, she’s a very attractive redhead.  Also, for whatever reason she is the most photographed cast member of the show.  I don’t know why this is.  I am certainly not complaining but it is a thing I have noticed.  Maybe she just shows up at more things.  The rest of the cast is a bunch of wall flowers I guess.  It’s a shame really, thinking about all of them shyly sitting in their rooms, too sheepish to go out to parties.  Man, I get it, a lot of us have been there but you guys are in your 20’s, you’re on a TV show, this is your time.  You’ll regret it later, trust me.  At least Madelaine is living her life and getting some attention for the show, which I should stress again was remarkably good in it’s first season.  Or at least it was remarkable in how much better it was than really it every should have been.  It’s also beautiful to look at and a TV show with a distinct visual style is a pretty rare treat actually.  And yeah, the people tend to be beautiful to look at as well. Like Madelaine Petsch.  Look at that, it all loops around and here I thought i was just hitting keys with my fingers and hoping it worked out.  Today I want to fuck Madelaine Petsch.