why am i bad at saying no

I hate the bastard but I also want to know what the hell happened and who the hell it happened to.


anonymous asked:

Since ur telling all ur stories.. tell the one about ur first kiss

This is all I’m gonna say. I was 21, just about to move to Nashville and losing my mind. He was 27. I started on a strange path in December 2014 and just continued it until August 2015, I kept sinking lower. I felt utterly worthless. I didn’t care about myself and I didn’t care about anyone else. Nothing mattered. I started thinking, why am I saving my first kiss for marriage? I was hanging out with this bad boy who actually didn’t ask me to do anything, never even tried to kiss me. But being around him and his lifestyle made me feel like I belonged because he also acted like nothing mattered and everyone was worthless, including himself. So I got a really warped view of myself and the world and he lead me to a strange place and then after I ended things with him for a bit, I hung out with a REALLY bad guy who was not so sweet like the first one. He was a user in every sense of the word. He was known for just disappearing in the middle of the night after taking whatever he could from people and never repaying them. One of the sketchiest people I’ve ever met. I’m not going into any personal details about what happened I just wanted to paint the picture of what I was going through that lead me to such a strange dark place where I’d actually give up something so beautiful and precious for the price of dirt. I only hung out with this guy a few times and it was all bad. I wouldn’t go NEAR him nowadays, anyone would be like Lisa what the heck why are you even speaking to him. Like it’s reeeeeal obvious what a creep he is but I was so low I liked it, like I was justifying my low self esteem or trying to confirm it, idk. Like see! I am worthless! I’m just like him! Not saying he’s worthless, just that he acts that way.
But yeah now that I have standards and self respect I look back and see I was acting like an actual piece of trash. Like literally you could push me around, stomp on me, throw me away, it didn’t matter.
It’s scary how much you can believe these lies and how horribly you can see yourself, how seemingly innocent choices can shape your whole life and lead you down a crazy path that ends up being so dark. It starts SMALL, the way you dress, the way you speak, the things you let people do to you or around you. You don’t have to be a snob and judge people, absolutely not, but you don’t have to let everything slide just because you don’t wanna seem above anyone. You’re not above other people but you are above garbage on the side of the road. You’re not trash. You’re not worthless. You’re not a dirty napkin that belongs in a dumpster. Look at the choices you’re making and be real with yourself because these things can become dangerous and trust me, you may think it doesn’t matter and you don’t care anyway but one day you will.
And btw just wanna be really clear that I’m using the word “trash” in a literal sense of the word. Not like I’m condemning people who live a certain way, I mean people who actually act like they have the value of a rotten banana peel. There are people in every social class who do this. Just wanna make that clear tho haha cuz it might sound bad if you don’t understand what I’m saying. Okay that’s all lol


What I don’t get is why tanaka says to our!Ciel “ master ciel is–” like….was he kidnapped already? Dead? The latter option does not make sense at all since real ciel is alive when we see them in the cage.

Also when our ciel flipped over Vincent’s body, it CLEARLY is Sebastian, & it looks like him when he was stabbed by undertaker.

I am so confused and I hope December 18th, Ch. 135 can clear it all up.

I feel bad for both the twins, having to see all that…PLUS THE FUCKING DOG DIED AND I LOST MY SHIT. I hate dog deaths.

I’ve seen better days
Days turning into nights
Nights turning into mornings
Hunched over the toilet bowl
To no avail
Make me sick to my stomach
Keep me wanting more
I was a drug user for years
Fuck it hurts to say that
I used to be happy, used to be social
I could see why people got confused
When I stopped talking
Gotta keep everything in
That’s what I’ve been told my whole life
Easy for you to judge
When you’re not on this side of the bottle
That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Difficult to address when you ask me why
No solid answer could explain
Talk about pain when you’re sitting there smiling
Complain life is shit when you got it all together
Receive no sympathy
Say no sir, yes ma'am
This that, shit’s bad
I had a normal childhood
Food on the table
Clothes on my back
Mom drinking
Parents fighting, hitting, swearing, screaming
Normal to me
I live with the constant reminder to never get too close
Choose to stay away from you
Nothing personal just don’t want to hurt anymore
My dad found me numb
Skipping school
Pills swallowed, arms twitching, face lifeless
Sprawled out on the bed
Still screaming, calling me names
Never could grasp how badly I hurt
Place the blame on you
But the blame’s on me
My fault
Let myself feel too much
Couldn’t ever feel enough
Wanted to be loved
Instead I was used
Place me in the middle
Never had to focus on each other
If you were always arguing over me
Repeated patterns
Watch me grow older
Using the same techniques you taught me
—  Alexlthymia

being physically sick when you have mental illness is so odd because i am positive, always, that people will treat me the same way. i assume i’m not bad, because others have been worse, i tell very few people, i apologize for the inconvenience. i say of diagnosed illnesses: i’m faking it. it’s not bad. i don’t want to be annoying.

and it is strange to me. i get tired quickly because my lungs aren’t working - people go out of their way to help me, let me sit down, tell me not to worry. i get tired because my brain isn’t working - people ask why i’m being difficult, why i can’t just drink a coffee. 

i cough and i wheeze and people fawn over me. they offer me cough drops, they pull tissues from sleeves. when i stop eating and showering i’m being selfish, i’m lazy. i apologize for not wanting to go to the party, i’m on antibiotics and can’t drink; i’m told they’ll miss me, i get people staying home with me. i apologize for not wanting to go to the party, i’m spiraling and drinking wouldn’t be good for me; i’m told to relax and stop taking things seriously.

i show up to work wheezing. my lungs sound like a door creaking. i am shooed home, told to take off all the time i need. i never tell my boss i have ocd and am sometimes late for counting. admitting this seems personal, embarrassing. when i am having a bad day, i show up to work and people ask why i’m being so distant. so annoying. they drop their voice when they say depression but bring me green tea to help my breathing.

people ask if i’m feeling better. they fuss over me. they ask if they can bring soup, do anything. 

people ignore it. they ask if i’m over it yet. they tell me it’s a phase, it’s passing. they say they were sad once, it’s not serious, and i should stop making everything about me.

i don’t let people take care of me. i don’t know how. i don’t trust them. in my life, when i am bad, they leave. when my body is failing, i assume the same thing. 

i’m sorry i’m difficult. i just don’t understand people trying.

multishipper problems: the thrilling sequel

‘why don’t you just ship an ot3?’

Honestly? A massive fuck you to members of oppressed/marginalised groups who kiss the ass of their oppressors so they don’t get treated as bad, and screw other people in the group over at the same time

Fuck women who say “yeah I’m a girl but I’m not crazy like all those other women and those crazy feminists”

Fuck LGBT people who say “yeah I’m X but I’m not [insert stereotype here], they’re worst!”

Fuck mentally ill people who say “yeah I’m mentally ill but I’m not insane, I’m not psycho, I’m not abusive like people with X, I can control myself and am recovered and don’t understand why everyone else can’t recover at the same rate I did”

Fuck chronically ill people who say “yeah I’m chronically ill but I don’t whine about it like others and I’m not a burden”

And honestly so much more. Don’t push the rest of us down to push yourself up.

negativity is addictive. i try to remind myself of this, because i feel like i belong in it, drowning in it. i can’t be surprised about bad things if i am the bad thing. it was easier half the time. i didn’t have the energy. forcing positivity felt like just another weight to me. nothing in me felt good, so why should i pretend i’m happy? it was funnier anyway. everybody laughed when i said “i’m dying.” everybody laughed when i said “if i talk about it i’ll just start crying.” 

it’s easier to say “i won’t get it” than hope for something. i spiral out of control when i lose hope. it’s easier to not get close to people because if you assume they’re not your friend, they won’t be. it’s easier to call my own work terrible than to wonder what other people think of me.

the problem is it piles up. i didn’t bother with the application because i’m not worth it. nothing good happens on this earth to me. i didn’t text her, she only said she liked me because she doesn’t really know me. i don’t care and i don’t care and i don’t care. what else do you want from me. i’m dead inside already.

“don’t be so negative,” she says to me. 

“okay, i’m positive this will go badly.”

cue laughter. cue smiling.

A list of people who are very much in love with their boyfriend and whose love should not be questioned ever :
1. Alec Lightwood
2. Alexander Gideon Lightwood
3. Mr. Lightwood
4. Head of NY Institute
5. Jace’s parabatai
6. Izzy’s older brother
7. Magnus’ boyfriend
8. Max and Rafael Lightwood Bane’s dad
9. Lydia’s ex fiancee
10. Max Lightwood’s older brother



You make me feel like maybe I’m not as bad as I think


If I were you, I would turn around, and do as if I have seen nothing.

So, this is part of that whole GF and DP crossover I am definitely not doing, definitely, me? crossovers? please as if, ahahahaha.

Ok no but being serious, I like the idea of Danny and Wulf as friends, if Danny calls Wulf comes, I do not really want to say more because if I do end doing something for the crossover I want to explain it on it, anyway take this because I just wanted to practice drawing Danny and somehow this got out of control.

Dang it Tumblr, why do you make it look so bad??


♤ yoda
♤ big eared elf that everyone loves
♤ yeolllieeeee
♤ gets lost because he depends on gps
♤ causes baekhyun to get lost too
♤ fucking clumsy af
♤ hair color changes almost at the same speed as sehun’s
♤ tallest in exo’s ot9
♤ tallest in exo-k
♤ fucking tall

Originally posted by messijoahae

occasionally most frequently harassing kyungsoo
♤ likes to get bullied by kyungsoo
♤ likes to harass kyungsoo
♤ ends up getting harassed by baek and ksoo
♤ always worth it
♤ also tries to harass ksoo but it comes back at him
♤ remember that time he touched ksoo’s water and got water spat onto his face
♤ and it’s so cute because he’s so tall aaaa
♤ also he’s just cute in general
♤ but his aegyo makes us want to cry because we can see that effort 

Originally posted by mindfuck-of-asian

♤ forgets what he’s going to say 
♤ sometimes it’s just an empty “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
♤ cute nonetheless
♤ he could literally breathe and he’d be cute
♤ also fashion icon much
♤ also he looks out of place in edgy mvs like monster n lotto bc i spot a baby
♤ literally a beagle
♤ should battle baekhyun and jongdae for the title of “cutest beagle”
♤ that babyface makes me just wanna like do you know what i mean
♤ honestly he’d be cuter than his own baby

Originally posted by r-velvets

♤ chanyeol + glasses = my ovaries
♤ chanyeol + black hair = my ovaries
♤ chanyeol + cute hats = my ovaries
♤ chanyeol + stuffed toys = my ovaries
♤ chanyeol + exo = my ovaries
♤ chanyeol + breathing = my ovaries
♤ honestly he could do anything and i’d think i’m pregnant
♤ how could you ignore this child though like

Originally posted by a-bacon-and-a-happy-virus

♤ look at his legs
♤ if you look at them for a while you’ll just 
♤ also i feel like he just wants exo to baby him
♤ but he’s so precious so why not
♤ also don’t say bad things abt him because he’s a precious baby okay
♤ chanyeol stans be like “come at me i’m ready because fuck you love you <3″
♤ honestly he could be sexy and would ruin the vibe by being chanyeol
♤ example one: the eve dance practice
♤ example two: every time he laughed and/or smiled in the eve dance practice
♤ example three: all of the above

Originally posted by krisis-wylie

♤ honestly if chanyeol is happy the fandom is happy
♤ it’s hard for him to be happy all the time so no pressure babe
♤ but seeing him happy just makes the world a bit brighter okay
♤ also him standing behind ksoo and baek and minseok is just the cutest
♤ he looks like a tree lmao
♤ a sexy tree
♤ a sexy tree i can’t take seriously until i have to
♤ just look at all the chanyeol moments compilations on the internet
♤ his laugh just 
♤ can i set it as my alarm because if it was i’d never miss school

Originally posted by parkchanyeolieoppa

♤ everything he does is just cute
♤ you could spam my dash with cute chanyeol pics and i’d be happy
♤ literal puppy right there
♤ cuter than any puppy i’d get
♤ says he’s bad at aegyo but is secretly the best
♤ same with dancing
♤ chanyeol + jongdae + junmyeon = dance line
♤ also when he jumps it’s so cool bc he’s so tall like woah
♤ also “nice skirt” and “chogiwa” and you know what makes me cry
♤ he’s so cute and precious and amazing and talented i swear

Originally posted by mauloveskpop

♤ his deep voice is so sexy and omg
♤ but then his amazing babyface omg
♤ t o r n
♤ also when he worships the rest of exo i just
♤ and when he was being interviewed by iheartradio 
♤ i think i died a little inside
♤ watching him be a little kid like 
♤ also watching him trying to be serious but failing
♤ and him trying to find his way around nyc
♤ and spilling so much cheese on his pizza lmAO

Originally posted by veriloquentmind

♤ also all the chansoo chanbaek and other chanyeol pairings are just
♤ and chanyeol swearing is just
♤ like his reaction after is just the most wholesome and pure thing i’ve ever seen
♤ also him being shocked is like woAH
♤ his face was just saying “i found the answer to life”
♤ highkey looked like a philosopher of some sort
♤ “i found the path to sehun’s dick”
♤ not saying it’d happen but he’d get lost and end up in junmyeon’s dick
♤ also him ordering for him and baek is just
♤ can you order for me too

Originally posted by sehyeols

♤ chanyeol in bed with sehun is literally just i love him so much
♤ and them learning english and reciting letters omg
♤ and him playing with his toys omg
♤ and him breathing omg
♤ just know you’re breathing the same air as exo apparently
♤ shocking right
♤ maybe you’ll be as tall as chanyeol
♤ also his hands compared to exo’s baby hands omg
♤ all chanyeol derps like why is he like this
♤ just love chanyeol like he’s an angel

The sides as conversations I had/heard in biology part 3

Virgil: Every time I wake up I’m like “oh great, it’s this again.”


Logan: Who gave Virgil scissors?

Roman: Me, unfortunately.

Logan: Why would you do that???

Roman: Haven’t we already established that I’m an idiot.

Patton: While that is true, stop talking bad about yourself!


Logan: and that’s when cells just say “this is it” and explode.

Virgil: Same!


Virgil: I hate all of you except Patton.

Roman: uH rude I am greatly offended by that!

Virgil: good, that’s what I was shooting for.


Virgil: I do care! Just not that much.

Logan: Well, atleast you’re being honest.


Virgil: I thought you hated me because I was so much like you.

Logan: I can’t deny nor confirm that claim.


Roman: Like listen here, I forgot how to spell my own name yesterday; You think I know how to understand love yet??


Logan: For example, what’s 1 times 6?

Patton: 4!

Logan: Great guess Patton… but no the answer is 6.

Patton: Darn it! I was so close!

Logan: You really were not- sure Patton, I’m proud of you.


Virgil: That would be terrible! Almost as terrible as my personality.


Roman: Do you have a problem with me?

Virgil: Yes and it’s that you are still here.

Patton: THAT WAS SAVAGE but, stop being mean you two.


Logan: Did he just hiss?

Virgil: Yes I did, several times actually.


Virgil: How can we look alive if we are all dead inside??


Virgil: So why’d you become a teacher then?

Logan: I thought I could make a difference in the educational system but the only difference I made was to my mental health and my pay check.

Sterek museum AU where Derek Hale is the director of the Beacon Hills Museum and the local expert in the fields of anthology and archaeology. 

Originally posted by hobrien

Stiles is the enthusiastic college student who visits the museum almost every other day, studying among the exhibits and looking for job openings.

Originally posted by stvlinski

Derek dismisses him at first, but then one day, Stiles accidentally leaves his study notes at the museum and Derek finds then when he’s doing a final sweep of the museum. Curious about what Stiles is studying and why he’s so intent on being at the museum, he takes a look inside and finds a mix of notes from entomology to archaeology. All the notes are really in depth, colour coded and at a level of study that should be beyond a college student. He hates to admit it, but he’s impressed.

The next day, Stiles comes bustling in and Derek is waiting for him at the front desk. 

“I don’t know about job offers,” Derek says, offering Stiles back his thick book of study notes. “But if you’re looking for a supervisor for your dissertation, I’d be happy to take you on.” 

Originally posted by peoplealwaysleave-99


Paring: Peter x Reader


Could you do a PeterxReader chat where all the avengers try to find peter a girlfriend but then they find out you’re dating him? Could you please make it as funny as possible? Thanks!   

Tony has created a chatroom.

Tony has added Peter, Vision, Y/N.

Tony: Hey kiddos. What do you want for supper?

Clint has joined.


Bucky has joined.


Pietro has joined.


Tony: Pietro, you are old enough to make your own dinner!

Pietro: so are the old men!!!!

Tony: They are Manchildren.

Bucky: I’m telling Steve!

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Imagine skyping with Jensen on your anniversary and him having a unique surprise for you.

“Hey, just hanging out on set here with the crew, the car… And a few friends.” Jensen turned the camera to show a group of people right behind him, making you giggle as you saw all the Supernatural fans on the background.

“Woooo!” they all cheered as Jensen waved at them, his eyes still focused on his phone’s screen and therefore you.

“You’re having all the fun there without me huh?” you put on playful frown “Shame on you.”

“Oh you know it’s never real fun without you here, sweetheart.” he grinned at you, winking.

“Just on our anniversary hm? You are a terrible boyfriend.” you tried to say as seriously as you could but it was impossible considering the adorable pout that appeared on his face. Why did you have to love him this much?

“I’m sorry, baby. You know I’d give everything to take the first plane and fly right there to you and give you on of the biggest hugs and kisses.” he sighed a little too sadly and you felt bad for bringing it up in the first place.

“Jens, I didn’t mean it like that. Come on, you know I was just kidding. I am thankful for every moment I spent with you on and off set. I know that you didn’t imagine it like this, but you had to do the extra shooting.” you shrugged, getting comfortable in your bed as you wrapped his flannel closer around you. It was some sort of comfort to be able to smell his scent days like this when he had to leave because he had extra scenes. You did have a role in Supernatural but much like Misha you didn’t have to spend so much time on set like Jensen and Jared.

“I know, I couldn’t skip this because otherwise I would break down but- this is out five-year anniversary. I had so many things planned and-” he bit his lip, turning around so that you could see the Impala again “I wanted us to do so many things today and I just- I screwed up, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, please.” you offered him a small but sad smile “We can do this another day, we’ll pretend it’s our anniversary and we can spoil each other as much as we want.”

“It’s just it won’t be the same. And I wanted you to know it today that-” he cleared his throat looking at the group of people again “Just wait, they have a little something for you.” he said a little excited, turning to show them again.

“Alright guys, you ready?” he asked as he got a loud “Yes” as a response.

“One, two-” he glanced behind him “Three!”

“I love you!” they all shouted in unison so that it sounded almost like oe voice and you bit hard on your lip, giggling softly.

“Oh Jensen, I know that already.” you felt your heart swell inside your chest “I love you too baby, very much.”

“I just needed you to know this today.” he whispered “Because things probably didn’t go as planned but I am still set on asking you today-” he took a deep breath, giving the guys a small nod.

“(Y/n)!” they all shouted in one voice, making you grin to yourself “Open the first drawer of your nightstand!” this was harder to say but they managed.

“Ok” you chuckled with a perplexed look on your face as you went for it. But you froze mid-movement when the only thing you saw was a small red velvet box.

“What…?” you whispered, trailing off, not paying attention to your computer as you took hold of it.

“Jensen what-” you tried to swallow the lump in your throat as you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Open it, sweetheart.” his voice was rough as well, laced with emotion. Even if you didn’t look at him you could picture that nervous and cute smile on his face as well as his glossy eyes.

You did as told, still unable to look up from it as you trembling hands you attempted to open it. For some reason it seemed harder than you’d expect, your muscles refusing to do the simple task but when you actually opened it all air got knocked out of your lungs. Your eyes widened more than before and you could swear you felt a tear slip from your eye as your lips fell apart. You stared at the diamond ring for what felt like an eternity before managing to move your eyes and look back at the screen.

“Jensen…” your voice was barely above a whisper and whatever words you had in mind to say disappeared when you saw the four words on the screen.

“(Y/n)” he breathed out, giving you a nervous smile “I wish I was there to ask you this, but I am not going to waste this day when I planned to make it the best of your life. So I need to ask you one last thing-” he said breathlessly before glancing at them and giving them a nod.

“Will you marry me?” they all shouted in unison as they held boards with the words.

“Will you marry me, princess?” Jensen repeated the question in a whisper.

okay, it took me a while to write everything down, but here are my thoughts and reactions to the last 19 days chapter!! (an alternative title for this could be ‘how to make people regret asking about your thoughts’)

anyway, it’s been pretty hard for me to put some order to my thoughts, because im just!!!!!!! so in love with this chapter!!!!!!!! it’s been a whole day and im still such a mess, there are noises coming out of my mouth but they’re not human, and i can’t find the right words to express how i feel because this update wAS TOO MUCH FOR MY POOR HEART

i think this might be my favorite tianshan chapter, tho it’s a very close tie with chapter 185, and im afraid i’ve been kinda all over the place, but hopefully it makes sense!! (putting this under a cut because it’s really long and there are some pictures)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I'm glad to see you haven't updated in nearly a year. Mr "male rape victims should walk away" I'm still amazed you're such a piece of shit that you thought you were in the right.

Even if you are paraphrasing, I don’t think that is what I said. If I remember correctly, someone was getting harassed at their job and I suggested maybe they could find another job. I said that women often cannot find ways to escape harassment. It tends to follow them wherever they go. I thought that seemed logical as I typed it, however, I soon realized I was victim blaming and I regretted saying it. In a moment of panic, I tried to delete what I said. Which made things worse and was another error in judgment. I do not try to hide what I did. I didn’t think it through. I do not believe in victim blaming, no matter which gender is involved. 

What I did was wrong. 

Soon after, I said I was wrong and I apologized. You have no way of knowing this, but I assure you I was sincere. I don’t believe making an error automatically makes me a “piece of shit.” If the individual I said that to wants to continue believing I am a bad person, I can understand that. That seems a fair punishment for what I said. 

But I try very hard to learn from my mistakes and do better going forward. Your inability to let things go, even years later, is troubling. Why do you even still follow me here if you hate me that much? Is there even anything I can say to show that I have true remorse and regret and that I won’t make that mistake again? Do you prefer that people remain “pieces of shit” so you can continue hating them? Or would it maybe be better if people did change and try to be better people, and that we encourage that sort of thing? 

I admit, there are some inexcusable actions in this world, but I’m not sure this is one of them. I’m going to continue trying to be better. To speak up for those who need a voice. I may make mistakes in the future. And I’m sure you’ll let me know when I do. 

Damn you’ve got it bad

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Summary: What would have happened if Peter had gone to the pool in D.C.?

Warnings: peter being ripped, a few mentions of this because why not

A/N: I know I haven’t been very active lately, so I hope this makes up for it. I am currently working on something though :)

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