I just feel like I’m in a constant state of mild dissociation y'all. I can’t help but question 24/7 whether or not what I’m doing is real; like how is anything I do possible???¿? maybe a good ol’ brain man could tell me how neurological connections in the brain work to make the body do stuff but for now I’m calling bullshit my brain can’t do shit of fuck this is absolute garbage propaganda I’m gonna go float in a s w a m p and eat old b a r b i e d o l l s
What an… interesting promo CW chose to put out. Nothing about the plot, no action, past!Castiel, nothing. Just a snapshot of the cold war between Dean and Cas and poor Sammy stuck in the middle as usual.
Now, if I remember correctly, the last time Dean and Cas had a fight like this complete with silent treatment (and in front of Sam again, to boot) was 8x22. To recap quickly,
Dean tells Cas that he needs him in the crypt and Cas didn’t even acknowledge it before flitting off. He turns up again 8x21, asking for help. Naturally Dean is resentful, and the ‘You didn’t trust me?’ shows how deep Cas had hurt him. Look at it from Dean’s point of view- Cas never seems to trust him- with the tablet, during the entire deal with Crowley fiasco in season 6.
Dean’s whole personality revolves around taking care of the people he loves. He deals with severe abandonment issues- with Sam, with his dad, now with Cas. All of them leaving him behind. Dean has no doubt in his mind that Cas cares, that Cas will do anything for them, but Dean’s never been allowed to reciprocate. Cas simply won’t confide in him till it’s too late.
If Cas had stuck around the bunker, Dean would probably have caved. But he isn’t there (and I’m sure Cas never bothered to explain why he had left the bunker), thereby confirming Dean’s belief that Cas doesn’t need him.
Unfortunately, the angels fall, and when Cas does need him for the very first time, Dean’s forced to kick him out. And he’s clearly torn up with the guilt, considering he apologizes twice for the act, one time when Sam’s getting his head torn open, showing how much he’s been agonizing over it. But it didn’t end there- Dean gets the mark, kicks the shit out of Cas.
Cas says Yes to fucking Lucifer rather than fight along with Dean and Sam. And Dean doesn’t know what to say or feel, because he half feels he hasn’t really been there for Cas, and contrarily, the resentment that Cas doesn’t open up still exists.
After Sam’s rescued in 12x02, Dean lets himself hope again. His mom’s back, Sam’s physically alright, Cas is still there. He makes that elaborate breakfast, hoping he can actually get some time with the family again… Only Cas doesn’t even bother to stay for coffee. And leaves again, refusing Dean’s help quite brusquely.
And now, again. Cas makes a lovely dramatic speech about how much he cares in 12x09. Dean lets himself hope again…
And what I’m guessing is- Cas tries to leave on his own again to fix this. But Dean’s absolutely had it this time and they probably have an argument, Cas wanting to protecting Dean and Sam, Dean chafing at the lack of trust (again). I mean, look at this (gif credit to @codestielckles)-
Sam can’t bear the tension and wants to drown it out. Dean says NO. Dean, the one who tends to avoid difficult conversations by turning up the music. For the first time, Dean wants to talk.. and Cas is not budging. Until he does for Sam. Which leads to this-
Cas will respond to Sam, but not him. Of course he’s pissed.
Poor Sam though, he needs a dog and a vacation after dealing with this shit.
I think I’m going to kill myself. Maybe this time I will get it right. Maybe this time I won’t call an ambulance when I’m dying from the amount of pills. Maybe this time I won’t give a fuck about if it’ll hurt people. Maybe this time I can make sure I never feel like this again. Maybe this time I can keep the promise that I’ll never get bad again. Maybe this time I’ll stop being a disease to everyone around me. Maybe this time the sadness will stop. Maybe I can finally fucking fix the universe’s mistake of not killing me the day I was born.
Creatures like me never get happy endings. At least I can stop pretending I have a chance.
thanks for writing the answer about loving yourself. i know you are right that we need to start somewhere, but what people see is not those qualities, they just look for what's outside and then judge you so u have no time left for what you have inside. it's always like this and i dont only mean the men's appreciation, it's also like this for jobs, school, meeting new people, school clubs etc. / sorry if this didnt make sense, i just needed to rant...
that’s not what i’m talking about though.
i’m talking about why your best friends, your partner, your family, your dog, your cat, whoever it may be, loves you. they don’t love you for what you look like or what you have on the outside. they love you for who you are, for what you mean to them.
i’m talking about love, not superficial and judgmental thoughts that strangers, acquaintances, and people who don’t know you very well think about you. besides, even strangers can notice small things about you that you don’t notice yourself. maybe your eyes shine when you talk about something that you love. maybe your hair is soft. maybe the way you inflect a certain word is nice. even small things are worth loving. a person doesn’t have to be your mother to notice that.
my entire point was: sometimes we’re so preoccupied with the things that we supposedly lack and the things that we supposedly hate about ourselves to notice the real things that are worth loving about ourselves. and usually, it’s other people who notice those things rather than us.
yes, not every single person will like you. but, you must remember that not every single person will hate you. you live every living second of your life with yourself, so you will always have time left for what you have inside. in fact, you could say that you spend every single dream with yourself and the bits and pieces that your mind dredges up from the endless sea you have within you.
that’s why it’s so important to love yourself. i hope this cleared up some misconceptions about my original answer for you, anon. i wish you a lovely and happy day :)
Also like….. white su fans are so….. “woke uwu” that after like a week of black people (and other people with brains and a soul) voicing their concerns on social media and like an hour long video of 2 black guys explaining in depth everything wrong about this character half of them (the half that weren’t jumping through flaming hoops to try and defend it) were like “how can anybody think this character is racist! It doesn’t make any sense UuU… I think she’s beautiful 💗💖💖💖💘💕💞💕💕💕"