who-would-have-thought

So many months later and we’re still together. Who would have thought?
—  Poets Love Her

Episode 96, part 2: does Bakura actually WANT to lose?

(part 1 is here)

Time for the thrilling battle of

Malik (no the other one) VS Bakura (the pointier one)

To be followed by the championship match The Writers Of YGO VS The Idea Of Having As Many Names As There Are Characters Rather Than Only A Handful Of Names Shared Between An Alarming Number Of Characters

Bakura comma Dark and Malik comma Dark are both talking big talk:

Tragically they talk the murder talk but do not walk the murder walk. Can you imagine how cool an actual knife fight on top of this blimp would be? Rod-knife vs the steak knife you know Yami Bakura keeps in his back pocket? 

But no, it’s time for c-c-c-c-card-games. With possible optional vague death to follow. Given that one of these characters has yet to duel the Main Character and the other has been half-heartedly set up as the ostensible but intermittent overarching villain for the entire series, tension that either might actually die in this duel is … low.

Also Bakura seems particularly uninterested tonight in dueling, y’know, to win. Less than TEN SECONDS into this duel and he says OUT LOUD:

REALLY HONEY? What’s even the point of laying cards face down if you TELL YOUR OPPONENT WHAT YOU’RE DOING??

Yami Malik’s smug confidence is therefore increased even more

picture: dangerously high levels of smug confidence

So Yami Malik attacks, in his turn, TURN TWO, okay, like Yami Malik’s FIRST TURN, less than a minute after Yami Bakura said OUT LOUD that he was setting a Trap, okay? everyone following? and obviously

so Yami Malik obviously chuckles and sighs and mocks him for expecting him to be surprised th–

nope. no. apparently not. Yami Malik is ??S??H??O??C??K??E??D??

#NANI

#BAKANA

#HOW-DID-THIS-HAPPEN

a trAP???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly. idk. i don’t even know how to make fun of this. t h i s s h o w.

… I mean it is a pretty surprising-looking trap. I guess. I guess.

Anyway the Impossible To Predict trap is a permanent trap that doesn’t prevent Bakura’s Monster from being destroyed but does deal Yami Malik damage for every destroyed Monster, so they’ll both lose LP and Bakura doesn’t even care that his Monster died because…

y’know, he’s into that kind of thing… 

BUT! Yami Malik, after Bakura said he was laying a Trap but before almost-immediately forgetting (??) that Bakura laid a trap, laid his OWN face-down card, Remove Trap, which needs no expl–

oh shut the fuck up.

(I know, I know, this doesn’t really read like Yami Malik was actually surprised by the Trap, because he had Remove Trap on the field but I swear, he goes through the full pupils-dilate camera-zooms-in voice-rises Surprise ritual. If they meant for him to be play-acting, they fucked up. You can’t play-act your pupils to dilate.)

(Okay technically he doesn’t HAVE pupils rn so his IRISES dilated, but I feel like that counts. Bc real people’s irises can’t change size and they always have pupils.)

Anyway, so, after all that, Yami Malik doesn’t lose any LP but Bakura still loses his Monster and his LP

… and part of his arm. #awkward

except the arm must on some level still Be there bc otherwise his hand - and MORE IMPORTANTLY his Duel Disk™!! - would fall off? but apparently invisible-limb is a common symptom of having part of your soul bitten off? bc Bakura immediately figures out:

This is a lot more subtle than Bakura usually likes his vociferous soul-consuming beasts of darkness, so that’s probably why he looks so cranky.

Also he’s cranky because he has a backseat duelist tagging along:

“EXCUSE ME!! AS IF I, BAKURA, BLASPHEMER EXTRAORDINAIRE, MASTER OF ALL FORMS OF SACRILEGE, TOP-TIER TOMB DESECRATOR, WOULD EVER BE AFRAID OF GOD?? I WAS SPITTING IN THE EYE OF DEITIES BEFORE YOUR ENTIRE BLOODLINE WAS EVEN HEARD OF, KID.”

mid-bicker, they’re interrupted

“strategy planning time”, eh? #winkwink you two “planning strategy” over there? #nudgenudge is that what the kids are calling it?

Yami Malik decides it’s time to get serious about drawing Ra and activates Everyone Draws Up To Six Cards, which, like, idk, really rattles Bakura:

why are you so shocked??

actually the shocking thing about this is that Yami Malik activates it when he has four cards (so only gets to draw two) but Bakura has two (so gets to draw four)

Quickly getting over his shock and determined to completely outdo Yami Malik for “surprising tactics that help your opponent more than they help yourself”, Bakura plays a card called, hilariously, Dying Altogether!

and then draw a new hand. 

But the person playing it loses LP based on the number of cards they have in their hand so this is an even worse time for Bakura to play this than it was for Yami Malik to play his!!

“Alright then how about YOU draw a load of cards to help you find Ra sooner and I’LL lose a bunch of life points! Who’s laughing NOW??”

“… hey, quick question, do you know how to play this game?”

And after all that:

“… okay another question, do you get off on losing this game? like how aroused are you right now, ballpark?”

“You think that’s a lot of LP to sacrifice for questionable gain? Watch THIS!”

Yami Malik: please stop.

Yami Malik: I’m … not sure I want it anymore.

But then he figures out Bakura’s aggressive masochistic strategy:

And indeed, almost immediately:

“Well, shit.”