Hey Tay! In case you happen to stumble across this (and it’s totally fine if you don’t; it’s an update for some other amazing tumblr people who may not know as well!), a lot has changed in the past few years, both for better and for worse. Leyton’s “father” and I got divorced and he moved back to Texas, and our worlds here got flipped a bit upside down. In about two weeks, it’ll be a year since he last heard from him. I often put the blame on myself, and for reasons I don’t even know or understand. I feel like I have let Leyton down by being his only parent here, even if I know I can’t force someone to make that kind of heartbreaking decision. It breaks my heart, but luckily enough he was young enough so that he’s been handling it far better than I think I would have if I were him (my strong little guy!) My esteem and trust in the fact that people could actually care about me is constant battle and something I really struggle with because of it now, but I’m working on it. Far more positive things are to come here. 💜
In fact, in some ways, things are so much better. Day to day life and wondering what’s next and some worries that plague me can be a struggle, BUT I feel more myself than I have in a very long time. I forced myself to lose weight with the help of my best friend doing the same alongside me (who has taken L and I in like family and who I’m so immensely grateful for) for my health and mental well being, and I feel like I am far more able to be the person I really am. Even my family has noticed the difference. I have gotten much closer to my (half)sister. I have made some amazing friends through this fandom who have become like family to the both of us, thanks to you. I am so grateful beyond words for them, you have no idea.
There’s some big things coming up here that I have to contend with, but I so often think of your past support and how it’s helped me get through the toughest times, and know it will do the same again going forward. I look at your own strength during your hardest times, through all the untrue things people have accused you of and your difficult trial, and it reminds me to be strong as well. I think of what you did for Leyton, and know how it’ll be a constant memory from his young years of something good rather than something negative. This time period doesn’t have to just be about when daddy left, it can be a memory of when Taylor did something really amazing for me and how loved I am. I imagine- and dread- that one day he’ll ask why he left, and I worry that he thinks all people will leave. But I do everything in my power to be the strongest I can be for him and to always show him that there will always be people who are there for you and stay by your side (you’ve taught him this too, by your constant support.) He smiles- as you can see here!- often, and is capable of such happiness. He’s loving and adores you (he’s obsessed with LWYMMD, by the way!) and talks about/asks about you so, so often. And in the end, those things are what is most important to me: that he’s happy, that he’s loving, that he’s loved, and knows he’s loved (because I never want him to struggle with that like I and many others have), and I truly believe the memories and reminders of that special day help him with that. It helps his mom with many things, too. From the bottom of my heart, Taylor, thanks for always being by our side. I promise the same for you, always. 💜
I hope that if nothing else, that anyone who sees and takes the time to read this remembers that no matter how tough things seem right now, they really will change. It won’t always be pretty, or easy, but so many of us have your back- I know I do, for ALL of you (Taylor included.) Just keep holding on.