who's idea was it to not have them be married anymore

a hundred random starters 

below are starters based on/inspired by various sources. change the genders as you see fit ;)

  • ❝ why do you keep lying to me? ❞
  • ❝ have you ever considered the idea that maybe, this world doesn’t revolve around you & your problems? ❞
  • ❝ love is love is love is love. ❞
  • ❝ marriage is an absurd arrangement. one is sold as a fifteen-year-old child and makes a vow one does not understand and then regrets for thirty years or more, and which one can never undo again. ❞
  • ❝ why are you crying this time? ❞
  • ❝ you will never escape. ❞
  • ❝ this isn’t what I wanted! ❞
  • ❝ everything has its consequences. ❞
  • ❝ this face bears the mission of heaven. ❞
  • ❝ no, you shall dismantle the house of lies, but build the temple of the divine. ❞
  • ❝ one copper coin for a bowl of noodles! ❞
  • ❝ that one has the heart of a lion. ❞
  • ❝ I needed to be summoned. ❞
  • ❝ there’s no reason for this hostility! I come in peace. ❞
  • ❝ they died screaming. ❞
  • ❝ why fight anymore? what’s the point of fighting against destiny? ❞
  • ❝ how long have you known? ❞
  • ❝ I can only speak for myself. ❞
  • ❝ the law can be changed. ❞
  • ❝ are you sure you’re not pregnant? ❞
  • ❝ your child is adorable! ❞
  • ❝ you gave him a riddle for his birthday? ❞
  • ❝ you have no fucking right to treat me this way. ❞
  • ❝ your ambition blinds you. ❞
  • ❝ he adores you. ❞
  • ❝ I feel like I should be shocked that you two had sex there, but I’m not anymore. ❞
  • ❝ she’s going to kill you. ❞
  • ❝ have you ever tried the cakes? they’re actually quite delicious. ❞
  • ❝ you’ll need to be punished. ❞
  • ❝ you should learn to lie better. ❞
  • ❝ sometimes I wonder if you’re real. ❞
  • ❝ I will take back what is mine & kill anyone who stands in my way. ❞
  • ❝ then kill me. ❞
  • ❝ there’s no such thing as love. there is only lust. ❞
  • ❝ you’re selfish. you never think about anyone but yourself. ❞
  • ❝ i’m sorry, but they’re gone. ❞
  • ❝ death is just another adventure. ❞
  • ❝ stop! ❞
  • ❝ let them watch. ❞
  • ❝ you have no shame, do you? ❞
  • ❝ I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now. ❞
  • ❝ I need advice. sex advice. ❞
  • ❝ alright, tell me the truth, is he good in bed? ❞
  • ❝ she is the best thing in my life. ❞
  • ❝ you love him? ❞
  • ❝ do you love me at all? ❞
  • ❝ do you believe in soul mates? ❞
  • ❝ please, you have to believe me. I didn’t kill anyone! ❞
  • ❝ history is written by the victorious. ❞
  • ❝ at least she has a heart! you have none. ❞
  • ❝ isn’t it more important that they told you? ❞
  • ❝ the king is displeased. ❞
  • ❝ long live your majesty! ❞
  • ❝ can you stop talking for just one moment & listen to me? ❞
  • ❝ no matter how hard I try, they just won’t stay dead. ❞
  • ❝ he’s a gold digger. he’ll screw anyone & marry them as long as they have money. ❞
  • ❝ o! how sweet love must be! ❞
  • ❝ do you really think that? ❞
  • ❝ quick, you need to hide before they see you! ❞
  • ❝ you taught me to never trust anyone. ❞
  • ❝ this is extreme, even for you. ❞
  • ❝ you guys were pretty loud last night. I guess it was good? ❞
  • ❝ that wasn’t an apology & you know it. ❞
  • ❝ are you a virgin? ❞
  • ❝ I’m married. ❞
  • ❝ best thing I ever did was marrying you. ❞
  • ❝ red roses won’t erase the fact that you broke my heart. ❞
  • ❝ stop taking all the ice cream! ❞
  • ❝ has anyone told you that you’re sort of a little bitch? ❞
  • ❝ it’s deep dish pizza. ❞
  • ❝ do you want to fight for your land back or not? ❞
  • ❝ I never realized how much of a coward you are. ❞
  • ❝ there’s nothing worse than someone who isn’t willing to try new things. ❞
  • ❝ haven’t you ever wanted to escape? to leave this place & explore the world? ❞
  • ❝ i think you’ve had enough to drink. ❞
  • ❝ your ancestors would be ashamed if they saw you. ❞
  • ❝ one of the dolls is missing! ❞
  • ❝ are we going to die here? ❞
  • ❝ well looks like we’ve found ourselves in a bit of a dilemma. ❞
  • ❝ I am no longer a child! ❞
  • ❝ the baby won’t stop crying! i don’t know what to do anymore! ❞
  • ❝ what if something happens to them? ❞
  • ❝ once upon a time, I gave a damn about what people thought about me. ❞
  • ❝ if he can get away with this, then so can i! ❞
  • ❝ the dark shall come & take everything you love from you. ❞
  • ❝ it’s the same story over & over again. you’d think people would know better by now. ❞
  • ❝ there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. ❞
  • ❝ you are what is wrong with this world. ❞
  • ❝ shattered dreams can drive anyone mad. ❞
  • ❝ I am a phoenix. burn me & I shall return, rising from the ashes. ❞
  • ❝ this is my home. ❞
  • ❝ home is where the heart is, where you feel safe & warm & loved. ❞
  • ❝ running away has never solved a damn thing! ❞
  • ❝ fuck me. ❞
  • ❝ oh the things I’d do to you if we were alone. ❞
  • ❝ stop, he’s not here, remember? he’s gone & he can’t hurt you anymore. ❞
  • ❝ your husband/wife – is he/she good to you? ❞
  • ❝ stop & think a moment, you have to stay & rest. there’s a child who needs you now, you can’t just run & be a fucking idiot. ❞
  • ❝ once, I drank a whole bottle by myself. ❞
  • ❝ what do I want? I want to kiss you a thousand times before undressing you & kissing every bit of your flesh a thousand more times. ❞

I recently saw a video of a young woman talking about all of the reasons our generation, the Millennials, sucks and that’s she’s sorry for what we’ve become. Here is my, a fellow Millennial, response:

You say we’re just ‘existing’ and not ‘contributing anything to society.’ The oldest Millennial is 34, the youngest is 12, we haven’t had time to contribute anything yet. We’re trying to survive in a world that no other generation has had to grow up in, with a tanked economy and most of our childhood hearing nothing but war in the Middle East on the news while also being profoundly connected. We didn’t do that.

You say we’re no longer polite, we don’t say ‘no, sir’ or ‘no ma’am’ anymore and we no longer hold the door open for our elders or women. We also don’t expect low-paid workers to break their backs for us, or at yell at them when they make a mistake, like my 60-year-old grandfather does. We say ‘no problem’ when there’s a mistake in order, and politely stand by while the 40-something-year-old soccer mom huffs and rolls her eyes as the new girl struggles to punch in the correct code.

You say our music objectifies women and glorifies drugs and criminals. There has been no significant change from the songs that were once sung or the singers who sang them. Many of the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s performers were drug addicts, womanizers, and criminals in their own right. Elvis Presley was child abuser, John Lennon raped his many girlfriends and most of the music I grew up listening, which was 80’s rock, were performed by habitual drug abusers. Let’s not pretend like human nature took a drastic turn when 1983 rolled around.

You say we cuss to prove a point. We, as a generation, have learned it’s not the words we fucking use, it’s the passion in them that we care about. As a generation, we’ve become more interested in politics and the world around us, cursing is minor problem when we consider the political climate the older generation has plunged us into.

You say we use ‘bae’ to describe the ones we love. Bae, originally, means ‘before anyone else’ which is incredibly romantic in my opinion. Bae is also hardly ever taken seriously, it’s a jokey way to talk about someone you love. Language changes, I doubt people were happy when we changed ‘wherefore’ into ‘why.’ The greatest injustice we can do to our language and culture is not allow it to evolve and grow with us.

You say we idolize people like Kim Kardashian and shame people like Tim Tebow. Kim Kardashian is a business woman who had a private video she made with a lover illegally revealed. Instead of fading into obscurity, she stood tall and did not let the sexual shaming she endured stop her and now runs a multi-million dollar industry, is married to one of the richest men in the world, and had two beautiful children. Tim Tebow is a Christian who was criticized by a few people for praying in an open stadium while most people just wanted to see a game.

You say we’re lazy and entitled, we want to make a lot of money and get a free education but we’re not willing to put in the work. We are not lazy. I cannot tell you how many people I meet who have gone to school full time while working a part or even full-time job just to make ends meet. We’re not entitled, we’re bitter. In the 70’s, you could work a part time job over the summer and pay your way through four years of school because tuition was $400, now just to walk in the door of your local community college you need to drop $14,000. We have kids who aren’t even old enough to drink, yet are already $20,000 deep in debt. Debt that won’t go away because even filing for bankruptcy won’t erase it. And even with that education, there’s no guarantee you’ll find something in your field. I have a friend who has a degree in microbiology and she’s making $9 an hour selling $15 candles. I have another friend who has a masters in Sport Psychology and Counseling. She’s a bartender. My parents bought a three bedroom house in the suburbs in the late 90’s while my generation is imagining apartments with breezy windows and trying to get enough money to get food while we scrounge up less than $8 a week.

You say we spend more time online making friends and less time building relationships and our relationship’s appearance on Facebook is more important than building the foundation that relationship is based on. We are a generation that is profoundly connected and no other generation has seen this before. We have more opportunities to meet people from all over the world and better chances to understand other worldviews and lifestyles. Being able to stay home and talk to people over the internet is cheaper and more relaxing than having to force yourself to interact with people in public settings after a long day of minimum wage labor. The people I talk to more over the internet are people I have been friends with for years. It’s easier to talk about the day’s events over Skype or Facebook Messenger than arrange a day to meet in person when you have conflicting schedules. I truly don’t believe most people care what others think of their friendship or how their relationships ‘look’ on social media. Most often what you are calling ‘our relationship’s appearance on Facebook’ are documented and searchable memories.

You say our idea of what we believe in is going on Facebook and posting a status on Facebook. Not everyone can join in with the crowds of protesters. It’s easy to see what others have to say through the comments and argue back without the threat of violence. And when this generation does organize events to stand up for ourselves, it’s met with childish name-calling or being reduced to a ‘riot.’

You say we believe the number of follows we have reflects who we are as a person. It’s nice knowing there’s 20 or 50 or maybe even 100 people who care what you have to say or think. We live in an age where we can and will be heard.

You say we don’t respect our elders, that we don’t respect our country. Our elders grew up in one of the greatest economic booms in history and in turn made it the worst economic situation since the 1930’s all while blaming kids who were only five at the time for it. We stand on our flag because it means nothing, it’s a pretty banner for an ugly lie. We’re a country that says you can make it if you just work hard enough while, in the end, that will almost never happen. We’re a country that becomes irate at the idea of 20-something college kids standing on some canvas dyed red, white, and blue but seem to shrug off the millions of homeless, disabled veterans.

You say we’re more divided than ever before. Ever before what? When black folk couldn’t drink from the same fountain as white folk? When women couldn’t vote? When white southerners fought for the idea that they could keep black people as slaves? We’re a generation that is done with injustice and when you fight for social change, you will divide people.

You say everything that was frowned up is celebrated. What does that mean? We frowned up gay marriage. We frowned upon wives being able to say no to sex with their husbands. We frowned up interracial marriage. We frowned up black folk being allowed to go to school with white folk. We frowned upon women being allowed to vote. Are those things not worth celebrating?

You say nothing has value in our generation, that we take advantage of everything. We value friendship more, we value the fists of change, we value social justice and family and the right to marry those we love. We value the right to be yourself, wholly and fully. We value the right to choose and we value the idea of fighting what you believe in, even when everyone older than you is telling you you’re what’s wrong with the country.

You say we have more opportunities to succeed than those before but we don’t ‘appreciate’ them. We are a bitter generation. You can finance a boat for 3.9% but you have to pay back college tuition plus 8.9%. We may have more opportunities but those opportunities cost money we don’t have.

You say you can see why we’re called ‘Generation,’ but we’re not Generation Y, we’re Millennials and we do feel entitled. We were promised a strong economy and inexpensive education. We had the world in our hands and we were going to make it better. And it was ripped away from us because of incompetent rulers, illegal wars, and greedy corporations and we get blamed for it. Crime has gone down, abortion and unintended pregnancy has lowered, people are living longer, people are more educated, people are less likely to die from violent crime or diseases, yet my generation is touted as the worst generation and for what? Crimes that we’re accused of that happened before we could even wipe our own ass? We were raised better, and we were raised in a society that treated, and continues to treat, us like garbage. And we are done. We are not sorry, we did nothing wrong.

Drabble Challenge: 1-150

Rules: Followers send a number to your ask and you write a drabble using that sentence/prompt in your piece. Try to keep up! Expect a TON of requests!


  1. “The skirt is supposed to be this short.”
  2. “How long have you been standing there?”
  3. “I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid.”
  4. “Who gave you that black eye?”
  5. “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?”
  6. “I just like proving you wrong.”
  7. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”
  8. “Forget it. You fucking suck.”
  9. “Quit it or I’ll bite.”
  10. “If you use up all the hot water again, I swear to god! You’re on the couch for a month!!”
  11. “If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”
  12. “I’m pregnant.”
  13. “Looks like we’re gonna be stuck here for a while.”
  14. “Take. It. Off.”
  15. “Well, you’re coming home with me whether you like it or not.”
  16. “I’ll kick his ass if you want me to.”
  17. “Stop it! It tickles!”
  18. “It’s okay to cry…”
  19. “And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations.”
  20. “D..did you just make that noise?”
  21. “He’s a bad kisser.”
  22. “You can scream if you want.”
  23. “I didn’t know we were keeping track.”
  24. “We’re playing checkers. If you don’t like it, leave.”
  25. “One of them’s missing.”
  26. “Save some for me.”
  27. “Oh, fuck off.”
  28. “You’re still mad?”
  29. “Come over here and make me.”
  30. “You better watch yourself.”
  31. “Eat your lunch and you wouldn’t be hungry.”
  32. “Why did we have to have kids?”
  33. “Call on Line 1”
  34. “He creeped me out. I’m not gonna lie.”
  35. “I’m done! You can fix it!”
  36. “Can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch?”
  37. “Where did he go?”
  38. “You leave whenever you feel like it.”
  39. “I forgot I was a single parent.”
  40. “Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it.”
  41. “You’re going out dressed like that?”
  42. “For the hundredth time, I’m not your babysitter.”  
  43. “Frost the damn cupcakes.”
  44. “Well that’s the second biggest news I’ve heard all day.”
  45. “You look pretty hot in plaid.”  
  46. “I thought you were dead!”
  47. “I thought it was a one-night-stand…and now we’re married…”
  48. “We’ve become the clingy couple that you used to complain about.”
  49. “Quit touching me. Your feet are cold.”
  50. “You know you want it, sweetheart.”
  51. “I’m your husband. It’s my job.”  
  52. “You just wanted them because the light up.”
  53. “That wasn’t very subtle.”
  54. “He thinks he’s a mind reader.”  
  55. “It’s just you and me tonight. I was thinking we could have a little fun.”
  56. “I don’t do hugs.”
  57. “Don’t talk anymore.”
  58. “I’m just a guy with a wife, two kids, and a Harley.”
  59. “How do I even put up with you?”
  60. “I said get rid of it.”
  61. “They didn’t just find out. They already knew!”
  62. “You’re not as quiet as you think you are.”
  63. “Can you just man up and change his diaper?”
  64. “Just don’t buy a goat. I don’t care what you do, just no goats.”
  65. “I have a secret.”
  66. “I won’t let you get hurt.”
  67. “You’re strong, baby. You have to be.”
  68. “He’s four years old!!”
  69. “I’ve had enough! I want to be alone!”
  70. “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
  71. “Me and the boys will handle it.”
  72. “You’re competitive and so am I, and it’s going to lead to a fight.”
  73. “Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”
  74. “You’re a dork, just like your father.”
  75. “Mind if I join you?”
  76. “Daddy!”
  77. “I lost our child.”
  78. “That’s my shirt. So is that..wait?”
  79. “My name isn’t Leslie…who’s Leslie?”
  80. “There’s a surprise upstairs for you.”
  81. “I’ll take care of it.”
  82. “I’m not your boss? Well then who is?”
  83. “You can’t eat solids, only liquids until Thursday.”
  84. “Come on, baby, up to bed.”
  85. “They got you a present. Isn’t it sweet?”
  86. “Am I scaring you?”
  87. “Run! You said you’d work out with me!”
  88. “After everything…I’d still choose you.”
  89. “And when did you plan on telling me about this?”
  90. “Trust me.”
  91. “Scoot over a little bit, please.”
  92. “You’re so clingy, I love it.”
  93. “You didn’t just wake me up at 2am because you were ‘in the mood’.”
  94. “Did they hurt you?”
  95. “You’re cute when you’re all worried.”
  96. “Stop being grumpy. It’s lame.”
  97. “I don’t need a hero, I need a husband.”
  98. “Don’t shut me out.”
  99. “You got a cute butt.”
  100. “I just got out of the shower, I can’t dance. What if my towel falls off?”
  101. “Don’t be an asshole. Asshole.”
  102. “Do you really think I could ever replace you?”
  103. “Sharing is caring. Now give me your fries.”
  104. “…or we can chill in our underwear.”
  105. “You can’t make up for it by giving me a tic-tac.”
  106. “Keep pedaling and don’t stop, okay?”
  107. “You, me, popcorn, two liter Dr. Pepper, and a movie. You in?”
  108. “Have you seen my contacts?”
  109. “Life is a highway, and I’m always drunk. So I’m not driving.”
  110. “Quit stalling. Where’s your father?”
  111. “You can’t just hug me and think everything’s okay.”
  112. “Is he coming home?”
  113. “I prefer blondes.”
  114. “No more dogs. How hard it it to understand?”
  115. “I let you win.”
  116. “I broke your nose, and I’m sorry for that. But what you’re doing isn’t fair.”
  117. “Can I do your hair?”
  118. “Your favorite superhero can’t be a villain.”
  119. “I told you not to jump on the bed!”
  120. “He’s pampering me, let him be.”
  121. “Ready or not, here I come.”
  122. “I’m worried about losing my job!”
  123. “Oh, did I scare you, big boy?”
  124. “Happy new year!”
  125. “Quit moving, I’m trying to sleep. Wait…are you…what?!”
  126. “You nap, I’ll stay awake.”
  127. “It’s turbulence. It’s normal.”
  128. “Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.”
  129. “I’ll give you a massage.”
  130. “You fell asleep in the tub?!”
  131. “Are you doodling?”
  132. “We’re not playing strip poker. I don’t care what I said when I was drunk.”
  133. “Slushies aren’t just for kids, fuck society.”
  134. “Are you scared…Then why won’t you look at the screen?”
  135. “Enough with the pillow talk, I’m tired.”
  136. “You had a nightmare, tell me what it was about so I can fix it.”
  137. “We need groceries, not just junk food. You’re worse than the kids.”
  138. “Is this our closet? Or your closet?”
  139. “If I win, you do dishes for a week.”
  140. “Fist bumps are cooler than high-fives…”
  141. “Use your words.”
  142. “Hold my hand so he gets jealous.”
  143. “Ew, your hand is sweaty.”
  144. “Get out of my face before I hit you.”
  145. “I don’t care if your 4 or 40, you don’t hit people.”
  146. “You only care about football, beer, and raking leaves.”
  147. “Look! Fireflies!”
  148. “Why do you only kiss me when I’m sleeping?”
  149. “I just need ten minutes.”
  150. *Make Your Own*

Happy Writing! Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!

The Reason I Don’t Do Cold Readings Anymore…

by reddit user Skarjo

I don’t do ‘Cold Readings’ anymore. I don’t tell fortunes. I don’t read tea leaves.

And I do not do contact ‘the other side’.

Look, don’t judge me alright? It was an easy gig. I mean, the first time I did it, it was a joke. I did it just to impress a girl. You’ve been there right? It was something I’d read about online and I thought I’d give it a go.

Keep reading

Concept:

Adrien Agreste is desperate. He’s tried asking Nino, but his friend sort of tripped his way into his relationship with Alya by mistake, and he’s not too proud to admit it. Plagg is no help. He’s asked Natalie, only to get a blank look. Plagg is NO help. Adrien’s even asked Gorilla. The man stared at him through the rearview mirror for a full minute before he burst out laughing and didn’t stop even after he dropped Adrien off at school. It was hard not to pout all day.

So now, Adrien is doing what he should have done in the first place - it’s SO obvious, after all. I mean, obviously HE’D be an expert.

‘Come in.’

Adrien walks into his father’s study with shoulders pushed back in his dad’s preferred posture.

‘What did you need?’ his father asked without looking up from his designs, seven different sketched clothes articles being shuffled around to create various combinations.

‘Yeah,’ Adrien said, trying to channel as much of Chat Noir as he could, ‘so dad, you and mum, huh?’

Gabriel’s hand paused delicately where it was poised over a pair of tan women’s trousers.

'I mean, you two…. Got together and everything, you know?’

Adrien watched in fascination as his father’s eyebrows rose very slowly. He wasn’t sure if it was a good sign so he went on.

'And mum was pretty. I mean, REAL pretty. Well of course she was pretty she was a model. But she was. Nice, I mean. And you TALKED to her. And it WORKED. Of course it worked, she married you and you had ME.’

Gabriel Agreste looked like he was almost afraid to talk, but he put the sketches down, steepled his fingers and finally looked up at his son.

'What are you asking exactly, Adrien? I thought Natalie had adequately covered the topic of human sexual reproduction even before you joined College?’

'Not that, dad!’ Adrien replied, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. 'I know all about that. Natalie tested me and everything and I got top marks. I’m asking about all the rest! That’s more important!’

Gabriel Agreste’s eyebrows joined his hairline. He managed to look vaguely nauseous, which was the face he made when he was in any way flustered or uncomfortable.

'All… The rest.’

'Yes!’ Adrien replied, the word exploding out of him when he couldn’t contain it anymore. A river of more words followed it once it had split the dam. 'The flowers and the complements, and the manners and kissing her hand, and being a gentleman! All of that! But I’ve tried it all and it hasn’t worked, so I MUST be doing something wrong! But you landed MUM, so you must have done something really right, so please dad, please teach me?’

Gabriel Agreste may as well be speechless for the first time in his life. He managed, 'What?’

'How to ask out a pretty girl!’ Adrien said in moan. 'The right way! So she says yes!’

Gabriel took off his spectacles to give himself time to think, polishing them off a silk hanky he always carried in his pocket, to give himself time to think. He didn’t think he’d be thinking about this already. But that was the problem with thinking. Once he put them back on, he’d formulated a reasonable response.

'I would like to know who the young lady in question is, before we go any further.’

Adrien’s brain went into panic mode. Darn, darn darn darn, he hadn’t thought of this! What was he going to say? He couldn’t say Ladybug obviously, his dad would never buy it. Quick, think of girls he knew! Girls he knew, girls he knew- ah! Girls from his class! Let’s see; Chloe- ah ah, hard nope, no way. Alya- nope, no way again, bro code. Mylene, yeah, super taken. Alix….. Just no. Darn it all, all he could think of were black hair and blue eyes and - hang on!

'Marinette Dupain-Cheng,’ Adrien squeaked. He hoped his cheeks feeling hot meant he would convince his father. Gabriel stared at him for a moment before he buzzed Natalie from the intercom on his desk.

'Natalie, send me the file of Dupain-Cheng Marinette from the College research folder.’

'Yes sir,’ Natalie chirped back. A few moments of heavy sweating later - for Adrien - his father’s phone pinged, and Gabriel picked it up, thumbing through whatever Natalie had sent. One eyebrow rose higher than the other in the expression his father often made when he was pleasantly surprised. Somehow, Adrien was irrationally pleased his father approved of Marinette, even though he realised he was now totally screwed.

'Designed an album for Jagged Stone,’ his father said, sounding reluctantly impressed. 'You will invite her to dinner next week.’

Gabriel put his phone down, seemingly done with the decision. Adrien tried desperately one more time.

'But, the advice!’

Gabriel looked him straight in the eyes.

'What I’m about to tell you does not leave this room,’ he said solemnly.

'Yes father!’ Adrien replied eagerly.

'The secret,’ Gabriel went on solemnly, 'is puns.’

'I knew it!’ Adrien hissed under his breath.

'Ah, but not just any puns,’ Gabriel admonished. 'That is why you have been unsuccessful. You need to find her interests, formulate humourous sentence arrangements. Drop them with the correct TIMING. Timing is crucial, especially in one particular way.’

Adrien fairly vibrated in his seat as he leaned forward, waiting for his dad to finally tell him the secret.

'You must take her hand, gently. Look her in the eyes, and tell her, without fanfare, how you feel about her. And how that makes you feel: in that order, son. Then, and only then, must you drop a very smart pun, about something she loves, and beg her to consider giving you a chance. Then walk away, let her think about it, and maybe drop another pun on your way out. Make her laugh, so that when she remembers you, she will smile. She’ll call you back within the week.’

Gabriel was smiling for the first time in a whole year, that Adrien remembered. He looked misty eyed and far away before he snapped out of it.

'Natalie,’ he said into the buzzer again, 'contact mlle Dupain-Cheng, invite her to dinner Friday week.’

'Yes sir. I will inform cook and the household.’

'Good.’ Gabriel looked at his son with a determined look on his face. 'I will allow you to see how it is done during this first dinner. I will then expect you to try and learn, with practice, during following invitations. Do not let me down.’

'No sir!’ Adrien replied excitedly. He raced to his room, almost bouncing giddily with joy at how helpful his dad had been. Real advice! With practice!

Then he froze when he realised he was going to be practicing on his sweet, shy classmate, who was likely going to get the entirely wrong idea, and who he had absolutely not the courage to come clean with; not on this.

'Darn’, he hissed into his room. Plagg ignored him and continued to eat his cheese noisily.

Brutally Honest Venus in Houses

Venus in House I
Aren’t you miss Marilyn Monroe? You present yourself to the world with charm and cuteness and get stuff on your way like that. You’re very flirty and love to play dumb so stupid people thinking they’re too smart will lecture you and you will even get out of the situation pretending you’re a good learner when in fact you’re just being diplomatic and shady. You like to be sexually admired and know how to use it in your favor without being obvious. How not to like you? Not even you know that.

Venus in House II
Here comes Lana del Rey in her Sugar Baby phase. Maybe is not even conscious but your love life has to be luxurious and you will probably fall for rich people - not that you are actively looking for this kind of thing. To you, romantic means financial effort, and if they care enough they will do it for you, right? Also you’re pretty obsessed with stability. Love comes with a price, and you won’t marry and put your being in the hands of someone who can’t even pay its own bills. Maybe you have a heritage or come from a wealthy family, and you will keep at least the same pattern of life you already have with someone stable that knows how to $ enjoy $ life.

Venus in House III
You probably fell in love for a teacher once. You just can’t resist a sweet talk and somebody that can share stories, knowledge, with good humor and a mind sharp… you’re so done. You also like to be with someone that can talk about anything without making a big deal of it, and if they don’t have anything interesting to say anymore you get bored and that’s it, the end. Also because of your endless need for new information and learning you may feel polyamory is something considerable, maybe even desirable. So many people with so many stories to share! Or maybe not, if you date a true nerd with a good heart. Is very likely you will find romance in school or college, or any study group, and maybe inspire you to follow an academic or scholar career.

Venus in House IV
You are very, very, very romantic and sentimental. Love means marrying and children, or at least marrying and having loving pets to raise. Sometimes both. You like the traditional bound - you may even say is not for you but honey, you don’t fool anyone. You like the idea of having a ring in your finger and showing off your sweet partner while making up names for your future children (or pets). You probably came from a family that gave you this traditional view - or from a so fucked up family you desired your whole life yours were better than that and decided to make your new family the closest thing possible from a traditional one. Either way, you will look for someone that can handle your family or be among the other half’s family as it were yours. And you are a hard worker to keep things as perfect as a butter advertise.

Venus in House V
You are so in love… with yourself. And everything you create. You are expressive and people love your presence - they better do, you’re a fucking genius - and you know how to attract people, how to flirt, how to keep them interested. Is like they say: work on your garden and the butterflies will come to you, and geez, your garden is a stage with high quality lightning while Mozart plays in the background to make the flowers grow more beautifully. You work on your appearance, on your expressiveness, you know exactly what you’re doing and those who don’t know how to appreciate it are not worthy of you. Your partner is someone you picked from your fans, they must admire you too - better saying, they have to understand what you are and what you do. Otherwise why even bother to lose your time with them? Losers.

Venus in House VI
You love someone who is responsible and hard working. Love to you is something a bit colder than others, you have high standards for what you want in your life and need someone to help you achieve it. This someone must work as hard as you do, must cooperate with you and stand still facing critics because you’re really mental, and your relationship is one of the things you will analyze more than feel it. The problem is you might over analyze it and ruin things when they were supposed to be ok. Chill, man. You do a good work, trust your standards, you will do fine. And so will the person you coldly chose to be with you. You will probably fall in love for a competent co-worker, maybe even your boss, or someone with a very practical view.

Venus in House VII
You’re the Venus itself. You’re a social butterfly and diplomatic af, everybody likes you and you don’t even give them the chance to not like you. You’re so fucking nice and loving, how can they not like you? Unless you have a stellium in aries or something, geez, you’re good at attracting people. You will probably fall in love for pretty people, be pretty yourself and want pretty things surrounding you. You’re all about beauty - inner and outer, but c'mon, everybody likes the outer more. You’re well behaved, gentle, you talk looking into people’s eyes and genuinely asks if everything is ok. You will probably marry and be very happy since the person that will be attracted to you will admire every piece of you, and feel lucky to have you around. Just run from people that use other people (they might perceive you’re too nice and use the shit out of you) and creeps (they might see your kindness as openness and try to do creepy shit).

Venus in House VIII
The more complicated, the better. Not because of drama, you just like… intense things. Normal relationships bore the shit out of you, you need something that will change your life completely, change the way you see things, you feel things, someone that can divide your life in “Before my partner” and “After my partner”. Someone to do new things, develop new dreams, and someone to take care emotionally and trust completely. You’re not the type of going around telling everyone you’re in love - sometimes you don’t even feel it coming. Is just there, and then you want that person all for you, in a very possessive way, and do everything to mark your territory without being obvious. You like mysterious people, or just really different people, because they will make you feel beyond the obvious and share dark secrets - the ultimate love proof for you. You may have a thing for people you shouldn’t - be the other person, or even cheat. You also are a bit traditional… but a darker version, like Morticia and Gomez - to die and kill for it. Partners in life, partners in crime. Usually in life, though, if you’re healthy.

Venus in House IX
You want to PaAaARtYy. Woohoo. You have energy, passion, attitude, and you fall for very optimistic people that will take you out of your comfort zone and go beyond with you. You might fall for college teachers and researchers, maybe people that traveled the world, or even high knowledged religion leaders, like priests. Or just a parter for crazy ideas. To you, a relationship must be something to add flavor and spice to your life and make it something incredible. Make you do incredible things, go to places you never - or always - dreamed of. The ultimate romance is to take you in a trip where you will experiment so many new things and cultures. You’re all about expansion and your love will take you beyond, make you learn something new, master a new technique… love is something almost religious that will bring you salvation. The problem is when you notice the patterns of things and get bored, or if your beloved is passing through dark times of regression. You feel lonely and that energy becomes irritation, and you may go alone with hope to find new love since you have no time for sad people.

Venus in House X
You’re the boss here. You know exactly what you want for love, and this comes with traditionalism, effort and a good status. You like the idea of marrying and having kids but indifferently from your gender you will be the “man” of the house, the boss. You will lead the relationship, take the initiative, ask to go on a date, decide when to marry, choose where to live, what to do, how to do. You are very hard working and security is important to you - and if the person doesn’t give you enough of it you will just fire them and leave the spot open to better candidates. You may seem cold but you don’t play with your life and love is something strong for you, so you just don’t give it for anyone that messes with your head. You actually know very well the difference between love and lust and are able to have lustful relationships without love, just to relieve your carnal needs. Cold, right? But real. You take responsibilities and obligations very seriously, and if you decide to bond with someone you will do it in the right way.

Venus in House XI
You’re popular and care about everyone. When it comes to love you have to find someone that will bond with your friends and coworkers. You go along with everybody and important people tend to like you. You may get involved with someone very political, or with strong political views, particularly with the power to actually do something for the masses. Or maybe a technologic nerd that is developing solutions for daily problems. You’re all about improvement and will want someone to share this view, and work together to something that will help others somehow. You’re here to make things better and your partner must recognize this. You don’t fall a little tiny for selfish bastards, even if they look pretty af - at this point you’re probably questioning the beauty standards and laughing at people that tries too hard to look good. You’re different, unique, and sometimes this is a blessing, sometimes a curse. You know you’re out of the place and fall for smart all of the place people like you. And if your morals and political views matches you will probably going to die together, holding hands and shit.

Venus in House XII
Your love is unconscious. You’re dreamy and imagine a life together with an ideal you’re afraid it doesn’t exist. This may indicate your love is in a past life too, someone you’ve bond so strongly you miss him/her and don’t even know its face. Your love makes you better as a person, grow and learn more about you. You might feel you’re infantile and this is so strange for you, while it seems so obvious for others, and will want to hide and never try. You’re too ashamed to show your feelings and always expect the worst, sometimes making a self fulfilled prophecy, and then going after easy escapes such drugs, games, porn. Bonding is specially hard for you because that’s what you need most to grow, and growing is never easy. You might break up as soon as you realize the person is not what you wanted it to be, not wanting to deal with their problems. Don’t run. You’re lovely and you can make your big dreams come true if you stay and keep on trying. Or at least the closest thing to true, which is fantastic anyway, because you’re a fabulous dreamer and that’s a great gift.

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

Canonization of Gruvia. (A massive collection of notable moments)

Normally I talk about chapters, but this time since my OTP is now canon, I’m going to talk about them more exclusively.

Note, this post isn’t necessarily about their own development (many other gruvia fans have already taken care of that portion), but rather this is just an examples of some key moments of this beautiful ship before they entered into canonization) 

I think it’s pretty clear at this point that Gray has feelings for Juvia at this point of the stage.

WARNING: LONG POST COMING! 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Let’s backtrack shall we?

Obviously Juvia has feelings for them ever since they met here. People say, that Juvia fell in love with Gray because of his looks, but I’d say she fell in love with not only his looks but also his courage to stand up for his comrades, more.

Juvia went from being angry to Gray’s words about saving Lucy, to falling in love with him ever again here, when he saved her from the rain, and showed her shine.

While Juvia wasn’t very close to Gray at this stage,  Gray was pissed at the notion of her being attacked by Simon.


When Juvia requested Makarov for joining, this is Gray’s face.

See how happy he is?

Behind that cool attitude armor of his, shows his true self.


First chapter cover of them featured:

Gray, Juvia’s going on a mission:

Gruvia parade

Here in other portion of the events, we see an edolas version of gruvia

to a beautiful unison raid, one of the sweetest moments of display in combining magic of compatibility in a anime only arc

Originally posted by sneakybree

Juvia was the only to believe Gray is innocent and trapping Natsu for a reason, not even Cana (Gray’s own best friend) believed him. Juvia did.

Gray worried about Juvia’s own progress and status

See Loke’s face? He’s basically blushing at seeing Gray worry about Juvia when he should be worried about himself.

Meredy’s magic showing how powerful emotions are between two characters. Considering how Juvia and Gray have strong feelings for each other, Meredy’s magic worked. Otherwise it wouldn’t have if their feelings toward each other weren’t strong.

Juvia being enraged at the thought of her lover being in danger

The moments they shared depict Gray teaching Juvia how to eat here. (Let’s not forget the fact that a married couple (bisca x alzack) were blushing at the sight of seeing this)


and range from Juvia saving Gray from the enemy

to Gray saving Juvia from the enemy

Deep powerful moments. Juvia showing how intellectual and a quick thinker, to Gray showing how he can outwit his enemy and save his loved one. Even instinctly going as far as giving up his own body to save his lover from harm.

Carrying Juvia when she’s hurt.

to shouldering each other’s injuries

Some Jelly Juvia, since Gray was in line to get treated for his wounds by nurse Erza  :>

Now GMG Arc is where we get sufficient amount of moments between Gray and Juvia.

First we got a sign of jelly Gray :>

This shows that Gray first the time is annoyed at a female guild member being taken away from him. 

To putting matters into his own hands

Spawning a cover where they are going to get more canonical moments.

From Gray’s own sister figure talking about his feelings

Telling him to be more open. and ofc a sign of blushy gray and his tsunderism.

His brother telling him to marry Juvia already, telling him to give him the date for marriage.

To some Gruvia teamwork,and Gray trusting Juvia in her powers

While Juvia nods in approval, they show a canonical unison raid this time.

and succeed, holding each other’s hands with a smile.

See how comfortable Gray looks in the spur of this moment?

casual gruvia

In the aftermath, we see Gray saving Juvia from her death,  a very powerful moment from dragon kids.


After Gray was thankfully saved by Ultear, we see Gray bluntly speaking to Juvia about his wants. Ofc, I’d say it’s more and less comedic relief, and I have no problem, because negative moments eventually turn into positive.

Juvia reprimands Gray for showing a sulky mood, and requests him to please smile for his family.

Gray eating Juvia’s cookies. Gray’s annoyed at the thought of any one else eating her baked delicious food, and offers to eat.

With a hilarious conclusion ofc.

Onto Tartaros arc

Gray, Juvia are on a side mission to collect information about missing people’s whereabouts.

Now here’s another powerful moment of Gray holding a scared Juvia’s hands, and telling him to not worry as he’s by her side.


Cute Juvia, not letting her love get any harm.

Now, we see an enraged Juvia once again at the thought of hearing that Gray’s life is in danger

Let us appreciate that one of the largest panel was given to Juvia in regards to Gray remembering his loved ones when commiting IS. Yes, Juvia’s panel was even bigger than Ur.

Gray’s own father, calling Juvia his woman and entrusting her in the power of killing Keith the necromancer so he can RIP peacefully.

Juvia calling Silver her father :D

The power of Juvia’s feelings and strength and someone who will not let her father law’s request go in vain.

Silver giving his blessings to Juvia, and telling her to take care of his son.

Juvia wants to see her Gray-sama.

So here we see Juvia confronting Gray about his [s]their[/s] father

Her we see what Juvia did. We see Juvia really distraught at having to kill Silver through Keith. and LOOK AT THAT, KEY MOMENT: IF JUVIA IS OBSESSIVE AS HER HATERS SAY, WHY DID SHE SAY SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOVE JUVIA ANYMORE? IS THAT SOMETHING AN OBSESSED YANDERE WOULD DO? 

After a brief tug, Gray thanks Juvia, and doesn’t let her go. Juvia was about to move on, when apologizing but it was GRAY HIMSELF that grabbed her and needed to be comforted. Silver had to go, because he would’ve been tortured by Keith, and his spirit would have not RIP if Juvia didn’t kill Keith. 

One of the more powerful moments for Gruvia IMO

Moving on

Some key moments in an omake

Chapter cover

Natsu ships them.

Juvia made a scarf for her Gray-sama on the celebration of their 413th anniversary (the combined days of when they first met :D)

Gray and Juvia meet. Keep in mind, Gray is mourning for Ul’s death anniversary and Juvia is unaware of it.

While an intoxicated Gray (he was drinking) threw her gift say, stating ice mages don’t grow cold, he apologizes.

Gray remembers the first time UL knitted him her scarf as a kid.

Gray realizes what he’s done, and desperately tries to find the Juvia made scarf he threw away

and proceeds to wear it, in a cute tsunderish expression, stating he feels warm now.

Gray once again apologizes, and Juvia is excited to see he has her scarf around his neck, ending in a hilarious sequence of a body  :D

On a sidenote, my favourite cover. My babies sleeping side by side.

Onto Avatar arc

We know from this fact that Gray and Juvia lived together (JUST THE TWO OF THEM) in one small distant house.

Imagine that! They lived together as husband and wife practically under in one roof, eating together, training together, and sleeping under one roof. Imagine that. 

See in my view, this is where Gray started to get closer to Juvia and now knows her more. When you’re living together for over half a year, you get to know the strength, weakness and knowledge of the person. You become closer emotionally to that person. Keep in mind, there was no one else around Gray and Juvia, so it was strictly them. So basically they were part of conversation they had around that timespan, period.

You see Juvia became sick through the rain with fever even though water magic. This shows strongly devoted to Gray to a point that her advantage over rain was useless when she found out he was away for a long time.

Juvia sensed that Gray was fighting enemies, and got there in time. Here he apologizes for his departure, and they battle together.

and look at that, Juvia even got his stripping habit! I think this is a great tribute to Ul, and a nice idea Mashima implemented. They are known as the stripping couple thanks to Ul. :)

and ofc Gray apologizes once aain for his actions, assuring Juvia who’s happy as long as he’s safe.

and ofc jelly Juvia :>

Another powerful moment incoming.

Gray offers to treat Juvia

Gray thanks Juvia for always being by his side.

States that after war is over, He’ll give her an answer

The 6 months of living together has brought them more closer than ever, and now Gray is more open about his feelings.

cuties posing

G x J on Gray’s boxers, huehuehuehue

cuties x2

Unfortunately, Gray and Juvia are now tied via ice chains, and about to fight to the death. Notice Juvia’s words in the last panel.

Such tragic case of events, they are forced to fight to the death. Juvia refusely is trying to resist, while Gray is doing the same.

Juvia stating, she can not harm Gray anymore, and is willing to give up her own life. Stating how happy she is to ever meet  Gray. *cries*

and here comes a twist, Gray does the same thing! He also commits suicide at the same moment and time Juvia does, stabbing himself with a ice sword. So basically both would rather die than harm each other. Such a powerful profound message and feelings of intense mutual love of this couple shown for one another

Gray was willing to give up his own mission of destroying END for Juvia’s sake. Both of them were willing to give up many years of their lives for each other. If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is. srsly.

Gray states he wants to protect Juvia at any cost.. Notice how Gray was about to say  comrade, then crossed that out, and said “you”. Meaning Juvia is more than just a comrade for Gray. 

This is beautiful. Romeo and Juliet esque.

Juvia saves Gray’s life by giving him, her blood.

Juvia saying she’s now part of him with her blood. This is beautiful. Juvia thought this much about Gray’s life that she taught herself this magic just in case Gray’s life was in danger. Look how much she cares for Grays’ well being. She’s the perfect woman for Gray. and as a huge fan of Gray from the start, I’m proud of the fact that he’s developing feelings for the right girl.

Gray’s so distraught. Look how emotionally effected Gray is. He’s crying his heart out. Poor guy : ( He lost to so many of his family members, and now he’s lost his most closest loved one. Begging Juvia to open her eyes, bawling his eyes filled with tears, screaming her name :(

enraged Gray, about to unleash the demon in him.

We get a cute panel of the couple.

Gray’s so pissed about Juvia’s demise, that he’s only hurling grunting sounds.

Gray doesn’t care about Invel, he cares about how Invel stole away his future.

Look how vulnerable, heart broken and pain Gray’s eyes are :( He’s shattered in mind and physically. He’s no longer the same here. This is what lead to him getting out of control against END, because the trauma of seeing another close loved one of his dying infront of him, was too much for his mind to bear. He was no longer the same person.

Once Gray found out Juvia’s alive while she utters his name, he utters back her name and  falls down with immense gravitated pressure. While down, he’s fiinally he’s in peace, resting, in full relief that he doesn’t need to over exert himself now that Juvia’s alive His mind is in peace, he’s smiling. Juvia is also in full relief that her Gray-sama is fine, and falls right at him lol.

Gray reassuring to himself, that he needs to apologize about Juvia. See how open he is, he doesn’t even care if his comrades are there lol.

Before the canonization scene, I would like to remind everyone once again, of how Gray reacts to Juvia from earlier moments, to recently when she tries to get closer to him.

It started from this:


to this

God bless character development. God bless this pairing. God bless character change. Gray is openly smiling while being close to Juvia while she embraces him. This is the happiest Gray has ever been in these two panels, than he’s ever been before. He’s loving life.

Here comes the canonization last scenes of this pairing. First we see Gray being jealous at a drunk craved Juvia, and quickly drags her away. Would Gray reacted if that was Erza, Lucy, or any of his other comrades? HELL NO. At tleast not to that extent, of personally dragging a woman from that mess.

Gray is talking about scars, Juvia has one, and Gray wants to get rid of it, but Juvia doesn’t mind. Not only does Juvia have Gray’s stripping habits, but now she has his scars as well lol.

Now here comes the CONFESSION! Juvia says what about her body?? GRAY CONFESSES THAT IT”S HIS. THERE”S NO MAYBE, HE CLEARLY BLURTS OUT IT”S HIS IN THE OPEN!!! Gray wants Juvia and her body. Infact he wants to sleep with her with this implication. 

Look at Wendy, she knows what’s going on. This is the best we’ll see out of Gray, a blushy tsundere Gray’s own confession. He’s not the type of guy who’ll straight up say I love you or hug a woman like that, this is just Gray in character! :D.

This essentially makes GRUvIA CANON!!!!  

Sure, it could’ve been better with all of that teasing and buildup  but we still got an amazing moment! and for that we should cherish it for our OTP!

Small rant:

For those antis, do you read while having your eyes closed? How do you ignore the developments, panels, and strong feelings they have for each other? you are in denial. You are in denial of Gray’s character. It’s truly idiotic that you believe he’s acting out of character, it just means you don’t know a single thing about him. You just want to  ship him with another girl because you don’t like Juvia.  You don’t know Gray’s character at all all if you think he’s acting OOC. This is Gray Fullbuster at his characterization.  This is Gray in love with his woman, so who gives you the right to bash Mashima about his own creations? Kindly close the door and get out :)

Gray’s happiness IS and will always be JUVIA. A true Gray fan knows that.

CELEBRATION TIME!

TIME TO CELEBRATE EvERYONE!!!!!

GRUVIA. IS. CANON!!! THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER!

Originally posted by gifsme

Originally posted by i-alwayslikedstrangecharacters

Originally posted by black-jackal-on-blog

Note: I may have missed some key moments, so write them down in the notes, and I’ll edit and them in later.

I have not added the Gruvia moments in the second movie, because I haven’t watched it yet. 

Likes, and reblogs are appreciated! If you ship Gruvia, you will love this!

Forgotten (M)

Originally posted by mayfifolle

Summary: Loving Kim Taehyung was just so cruel, since he only saw you as his childhood friend. But after years of wanting him to return your affection, you finally saw the look of love shine on his eyes - but it wasn’t meant for you. No, it was meant for her…
Pairing: Taehyung x Reader
Genre: Smut, Angst, bestfriend!au, university!au
Word Count: 4.5k
A/N: Original request here . 


Loving Kim Taehyung was like treasuring a forbidden artifact – you could appreciate it and love it from afar, but you could never touch it, never have it – just stand still and admire from a distance. Just like the artifact, he was untouchable and you could never have him the way you always wished for. Why? Well that was because he was your best friend since you were toddlers, but that was it.

You two were inseparable. Always playing and working together, making your classmates assume that you two liked each other. Of course, every time that accusation was made, you’d both deny it while saying how gross it was – but even then you knew you were lying.

At the mere age of 14, you realized that you didn’t just have a silly little crush on him anymore, no, you had fallen deeply in love with him. But who didn’t? His affectious boxy smile and playful bright attitude attracted many people towards him over the years, much to your dismay. But Taehyung always brushed it aside, and kept his attention solely on you. That is, once you two entered high school, then it all changed for the worse.

Keep reading

Prompts List

I’ve made a prompts list! (Some are not mine and I give credit to those who made them.) Send an ask with the number(s) and the character/ship you want! (For short drabbles/blurbs) x

1. “Please don’t leave me.”
2. “Are you kidding me right now?!”
3. “I’m going to kill you!”
4. “You did all of this for me?”
5. “I made my baby cry!”
6. “I’m in love with you.”
7. “Can I kiss you?”
8. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.”
9. “Will you be quiet?!”
10. “You are a bloody idiot, you know that?”
11. “You love me.”
12. “He’s dead.”
13. “I hate you so much I love you.”
14. “Just leave me alone!”
15. “I can’t believe you just did that.”
16. "Give me a reason not to turn around and walk away now.”
17. "Please.”
18. "Cuddle me.”
19. "Give me that back!”
20. "I’m pregnant.”
21. "Are you scared?”
22. "What are you doing?”
23. "If we get caught I’m blaming you.”
24. "Are you drunk?”
25. "Shut up and kiss me.”
26. "Help me I’m stuck.”
27. "What am I going to do with you?”
28. "Stop distracting me!”
29. "You said my name in your sleep.”
30. "Yes.”
31. "Are you jealous?”
32. "Trust me.”
33. "Bite me.” “If you insist.”
34. "I made a mistake.”
35. "It’s been a while.” “Too long.”
36. "I don’t love you anymore!”
37. "You’re lying.”
38. "I’m going to regret this.”
39. "Do that again.”
40. "I’m running away.”
41. "I need your help.”
42. "If I die I’m going to come back and haunt you.”
43. "Well this is a surprise.”
44. "Am I dreaming?”
45. "Make me.”
46. "If they find out, I’ll kill myself and then you.”
47. "Why? Just… why?”
48. "Stop it.”
49. "We’re just friends.”
50. "Did you just flick me?”
51. "Do you want to kiss as bad as I do right now?”
52. "I got you a present.”
53. "Sit in my lap.”
54. "I think I forgot how to breathe.”
55. "Woah.”
56. "What if I told you I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven?”
57. "You don’t understand, you never do!”
58. "You look cute with a baby bump!”
59. "It’s all your fault!”
60. "Well that’s just great.”
61. "Are you even listening?”
62. "I’m going to walk away and pretend I didn’t see anything.”
63. "I thought you loved her.”
64. "Time changes people.”
65. "You, my friend, are a complete and utter tosser.”
66. "You should be nice to me, I just saved your life!”
67. "Don’t you just love it!”
68. "It bit me!”
69. "You have approximately 5 seconds to get out of my face before I kill you.”
70. "Did you buy me… lingerie?”
71. "Oh yeah, because you’d be so good at this!”
72. "I’m sorry.”
73. "That night never happened!”
74. "You should marry me.”
75. "Aren’t you just a cutie pie!”
76. "Don’t you dare!”
77. "Um.. somebody broke that.”
78. "Stop biting that fucking lip!”
79. "You’re hot, shame about the personality.”
80. "You’re going to get us expelled!”
81. "I need you to fake date me.”
82. "My back’s a bit sore from when you stabbed me with your knife.”
83. “You’re just leaving me here? At least have to decency to finish me off with a stick.”
84. "No, I didn’t murder them. I accidentally knocked them unconscious forever, that’s all.”
85. "Wow thanks a lot.”
86. "Why are you walking around naked?”
87. "You owe me big time!”
88. "Awe it’s so cute!”
89. "Are you hitting on me?”
90. "If I die you’ll be sorry!”
91. "Help me hide!”
92. "Sometimes I really don’t like you.”
93. "You’re crazy! You’re out of your mind!”
94. "Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me!”
95. "I don’t know how you convinced me to do this.”
96. "Is that… is that my bra?”
97. "Really? Right now?”
98. "Where are your pants?”
99. "I can’t believe you’re carrying my child.”
100.You’re my soulmate?!”

when eric bittle is 8 years old his aunt judy marries a Northeasterner named jacob birkholtz and suddenly he’s not the weirdest cousin anymore, it’s this gangly 12 year old named adam who Did Not Want to move to georgia and now they’re stuck in the same town together

  • yeah, aunt judy is holster’s step mom 
    • this is random but holster’s dad is a pilot and aunt judy is a flight attendant and they have like the cutest dating stories ever
      • their first date was in paris (at the charles de gaulle airport which is actually hell but they tell people it was at a little cafe and don’t mention it happened to be in in terminal 3)
  • so holster and his dad move down to georgia and it’s Awkward because everyone is welcoming but distant because they’re so clearly Different (northern accents, don’t know the family history, Jewish, really don’t care that much about jam [but they learn. oh, do they learn]).
  • suzanne is like so heckin jazzed to have her sister back in the same city so she and judy get together all the time and holster and bitty are forced to hang
    • bitty thinks holster is snarky and obnoxious and holster thinks bitty is too peppy and weird and they’re sitting at the kids table together at thanksgiving and holster is grumpily shoving mashed potatoes in his mouth and bitty can’t believe he’s not even putting GRAVY on them like WHAT is WRONG WITH HIM 
      • meanwhile holster’s just trying to figure out why everyone keeps saying “bless your pea-pickin heart” 
    • coach and holster form a football-based bond where they just sit on the couch next to each other and mumble stats back and forth while they watch the game
      • bitty is jealous because it’s not fair that this stranger relates to his dad better than he does but holster is jealous because bitty’s dad is home every night while his dad is off flying around the world
        • do they bond over their daddy issues?? you fuckin bet
  • holster joins a hockey team and he sees the tail end of bitty’s training with katya because there’s like one ice rink in their town and he’s like so impressed that his tiny strange cousin does ice magic
    • holster becomes peak Team Bitty. he begs to be taught jumps and ice skating moves, he starts doing the mixes for bitty’s routines, they go skating together and race even though bitty always wins 
    • bitty starts doing drills with holster and that’s how he initially gets into hockey
      • he uses holster’s old gear and stick and stuff and it’s all way too big but so so so cute
      • like, tiny baby bitty with his loud cousin watching hockey for the first time and holster’s actually like patiently taking the time to explain everything because bitty is so impressed by the game
  • holster refers to them a brousins (bruh - sinz, brother cousins)
    • they’re the bittle-birkholtz-brousins there’s a lot of alliteration ok 
  • they’re both outsiders in their family and they end up spending half their family gatherings eating a secret pie bitty stashed, listening to one of holster’s playlists on his first generation ipod, gossiping about their entire town
    • bitty is one of the few people holster likes
    • holster is one of the few people who like bitty
  • BITTY AT HOLSTER’S BAR MITZVAH 

i have a billion more ideas for this verse so if you’re interested i’ll keep going with Bittle-Birkholtz-Brousins Part 2: puberty and beyond

Prompts

1.“Do you want me to leave?”

2,“You are not going without me.”

3.“I can’t believe you!”

4.“I swear it won’t happen again.”

5.“What did you say?”

6.“I’m not jealous.”

7.“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

8.“We can’t keep doing this.”

9.“Isn’t this amazing?”

10.“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

11.“Stay the night. Please.”

12.“You can’t die. Please don’t die.”

13.“Run away with me.”

14.“You did WHAT?”

15.“Quit whining.”

16.“Get outta my sight!”

17.“Why are you so annoying?”

18.“Were you ever going to tell me?”

19.“Never in a million years.”

20.“Don’t ask me that…”

21.“I might have had a few shots.”

22.“What’s with the box?”

23.“W- What are you doing?”

24.“Say it!”

25.“I could kiss you right now!”

26.“Are you done with that?”

27.“What’s going on here?”

28.“Stop pinning this on me! You started it!”

29.“It’s your fault we’re in this mess.”

30.“Did you do this on purpose?!”

31.“Kiss me.”

32.“Are you still awake..?”

33.“Excuse you?”

34.“This is all your fault!”

35.“Don’t give me that look! It wasn’t my fault!”

36.“I shouldn’t be in love with you!”

37.“It’s not fair!”

38.“I could kill you right now!”

39.“Knock it off!”

40.“Screw you!”

41.“I can’t be in love with you!”

42.“Make me.”

43.“Don’t tempt me.”

44.“I hate you.”

45.“You are infuriating!”

46.“Just shut up already.”

47.“That doesn’t even make sense.”

48.“Just admit I’m right.”

49.“Just admit you’re wrong.”

50.“You are being ridiculous!”

51.“That’s irrational.”

52.“Listen to me!”

53.“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

54.“Don’t yell at me.”

55.“That’s it. End of discussion.”

56.“I don’t believe you.”

57,“You shouldn’t have said that.”

58.“Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

59.“How dare you?”

60.“I dare you!”

61.“It’s you, it’s always been you.”

62.“Well this is awkward…”

63.“Just pretend to be my date”.

64.“Are you really gonna leave without asking me the question you’ve been dying to ask me?”

65.“You think I’m dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?”

66.“When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”

67.“I think I’ve been holding myself back from falling in love with you all over again.”

68.“You know we’re supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, and you know it, too. I know you do.”

69.“Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

70.“I’m not going to apologize for this. Not anymore.”

71.“That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.”

72.“Could I sit here? All the other tables are full.”

73.“You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m so embarrassed!”

74.“It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”

75.“This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.“

76.“It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion.”

77.“It’s midnight, what do you want?”

78.“I think I know how to use a bed.”

79.“I have something to tell you…”

80.“I think I’m pregnant.”

81.“No, no, no, no, no, we aren’t ready… We aren’t ready for kids yet!”

82.“Your hair is so soft…”

83.“You’re so cute when you pout like that!”

84.“Just relax, I’ll wash your hair for you.”

85.“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

86.“What, does that feel good?”

87.“Are you wearing my shirt?”

88.“You are ridiculously comfortable…”

89.“I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with…”

90.“You’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this…”

91.“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

92.“Aren’t they beautiful?”

93.“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.”

94.“Shooting star, make a wish.”

5.“It’s actually a comet, but I’ll still make one.”

96.“Imagine if it could always be this way, even in the city.”

97.“Wow, you’re hot.”

98.“Keep sweet-talking and this could go a whole new direction.”

99.“Take off your clothes.”

100.“Tell all those other guys/girls you don’t need them ‘cause you got me.”

101.“Don’t give me that face, it’s so cute I might not be able to hold back.”

102.“After everything you did, you’re asking ME to apologize for snapping at you ONCE?”

103.“Are you drunk?”

104.“Are you hitting on her for me?”

105.“Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!”

106.“Are you okay?” “Why do you ask?” “You’re wearing two different shoes.”

107.“Are you really taking his side against me?”   

108.“At what point did you think that was a good idea?”

109.“Come over here and make me.”

110.“Come with me.”

111.“Could you be happy here with me?”

112.“Can I kiss you?”

113.“Come back to bed.”

114.“Be my wife.”

115.“Before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you.”

116.“Damn. You clean up good.”

117.“Did I just say that out loud?”

118.“Did I stutter?”

119.“Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

120.“Did you hear that?”

121.“Do you ever think we should just stop this?”

122.“Don’t say that. Not now.”

123.“Do you think she could have loved me?”

124.“Don’t say you love me.”

125.“Don’t you ever do that again!”

126.“Either ask her out or I will do it for you!”

127.“Excuse me, I’m terribly lost. Can you help me?”

128.“Everyone deserves a second chance.”

129.“Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

130.“For some reason I’m attracted to you.”

131.“Frankly, I couldn’t care less.”

132.“Go on then, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me.”

133.“Go then, leave! See if I care!”

134.“H-How long have you been standing there?”

135.“Have I ever lied to you?”

136.“Have you lost your damn mind?”

137.“Hey, have you seen the…? Oh…”

138.“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

139.“His ego is so visible; I can almost watch it grow.”

140.“Hold me back!”

141.“How dare you?”

142.“How could anyone be that cruel?”

143.“How long has it been?”

144.“I almost lost you!”

145.“I am not losing you again!”

146.“I came here to explain what happened, and I’m not leaving until you listen.”

147.“I can manage on my own.”

148.“I can’t… I can’t lose you.”

149.“I can’t get you out of my head.”

150.“I can’t let you do that.”

151.“I can’t start over again.”

152.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

153.“I choose you!”

154.“I could never leave you, I love you too much!”

155.“I didn’t ask for any of this!”

156.“I didn’t realize I needed your permission.”

157.“I don’t care what he said, it doesn’t mean jack squat.”

158.“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

159.“I don’t know why I’m crying.”

160.“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

161.“I don’t want to let you down.”

162.“I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

163.“I had to see you again.”

164.“I hate you!”  “No, you don’t.”

165.“I just need you to do this one thing for me.”

166.“I just really need to have you here right now.”

167.“I just want this.”

168.“I just want to be alone right now.”

169.“I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy… It’s with you.”

170.“I know, but I love him… You can’t give up on someone you love.”

171.“I love you.”   “I know.”

172.“I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you and – Oh, screw it!”

173.“I love you for you! Don’t you dare think otherwise!”

174.“I love you more than anything in this world… which is why you have to stay here.”

175.“I made a mistake.”

176.“I may be an idiot but I’m your idiot.”

177.“I need you to forgive me.”

178.“I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

179.“I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.”

180.“I think I’m in love with you and that scares me to death.”

181.“I think we need to talk.”

182.“I thought you were dead…”

183.“I trusted you!”

184.“I waited and waited, but you never came back!”

185.“I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me?”

186.“I won’t give up if you won’t.”

187.“I-I can’t trust you anymore…”

188.“I’ll be right over.”

189.“I’m flirting with you.”

190.“I’m not good enough for you.”

191.“I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

192.“I’m sick of being USELESS.”

193.“I’m so happy you’re alive!”

194.“I’m so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”

195.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

196.“I’m sorry, run that by me again.”

197.“I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

198.“I’m tired of being your secret.”

199.“I’m up to the challenge.”

200.“I’m yours.”

201.“I’ve been in love with you my entire life. Ever since I met you.”

202.“I’ve moved on.”

203.“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… and it scares the shit out of me.”

204.“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

205.“If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!”

206.“If you die, I’m gonna kill you!”

207.“If you keep looking at me like that, we won’t make it to the bed.”

208.“If you walk out right now, it’s over for us.”

209.“Is it really you?”

210.“Is that a challenge?”

211.“Is that an apology?”

212.“Is there a problem?”

213.“Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?”

214.“Is there something you want to tell me?”

215.“It could be worse.”

216.“It made a difference to me.”

217.“It was just a dream.”

218.“It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”

219.“It’s all my fault.”

220.“It’s okay, I’m here for you.”

221.“It’s okay to cry…”

222.“Just leave me ALONE.”

223.“Just talk to me.”

224.“Kiss me.”

225.“Let me buy you a drink?”

226.“Look at me – just breathe, okay?”

227.“Look, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say I love you.”

228.“May I have this dance?”

229.“Meet me at midnight. Alone.”

230.“Meet me on the bridge in an hour.”

231.“No one needs to know.”

232.“No one will ever hurt you again.”

233.“None of that matters now.”

234.“Oh, my God! You’re in love with her!”

235.“Please don’t cry.”

236.“Please don’t do this.”

237.“Please don’t leave…”

238.“Please listen to me…”

239.“Please say something…”

240.“Promise me you won’t let anything happen to him.”

241.“Promise me you’ll stay.”

242.“Shit, are you bleeding?”

243.“Shut up and kiss me?”

244.“Somebody’s in love!”

245.“Sorry, I thought I was alone…”

246.“Stop talking about love for a minute and help me with this bullet wound.”

247.“Tell me a secret.”

248.“That came out wrong.”

249.“That guy at the bar keeps staring at you.”

250.“The way you flirt is shameful.”

251.“There are plenty of people out there who love you.”   “Yeah, like who?”  “Like me.”

252.“There’s something I need to tell you.”

253.“Things don’t always turn out how they should.”

254.“Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

255.“Wait a minute… Are you jealous?”

256.“Wake up! Please, please wake up!”

257.“Wanna dance?”

258.“We could be amazing!”

259.“Well, don’t keep me waiting!”

260.“Well, this is awkward…”

261.“Well, this is where I live.”

262.“We finish it the same way we started… together.”

263.“What are you afraid of?”

264.“What were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

265.“When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”

266.“Where did you learn to dance?”

267.“Where were you? Do you have any idea as to how worried I was?”

268.“Who gave you that black eye?”

269.“Why are you lying?”

270.“Why are you up so early?”

271.“Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?”

272.“Why choose me?”

273.“Why don’t you just kiss me already?”

274.“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

275.“You deserve so much better.”

276.“You did this all for me?”

277.“You DID WHAT?”

278.“You don’t have to stay.”

279.“You don’t know you the way I do.”

280.“You don’t need to protect me.”

281.“You fainted… straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

282.“You have the most amazing eyes.”

283.“You have to make a choice.”

284.“You have to remember!”

285.“You heard me. Take. It. Off.”

286.“You know, it’s okay to cry…”

287.“You lied to me!”

288.“You look beautiful!”

289.“You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”

290.“You need to leave. Right now.”

291.“You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”

292.“You shouldn’t have even been there!”

293.“You walked away. Not me.”

294.“You weren’t supposed to hear that…”

295.“You’ll be the death of me.”

296.“You’re not alone.”

297.“You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

298.“You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

299.“You’re too good for me.”

300.“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

301.“Have you lost your damn mind?”

302.“Please, don’t leave.”

303.“Come over here and make me.”

304.“Wait a minute… Are you jealous?”

305.“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

306.“I almost lost you.”

307.“Wanna bet?”

308.“Teach me how to play?”

309.“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…”

310.“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”

311.“Just once.”

312.“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

313.“I got you a present.”

314.“It’s not what it looks like…”

315.“Hey! I was gonna eat that!”

316.“I swear it was an accident.”

317.“Knowing you has made me a better person.”

318.“Just hold me.”

319.“I think I love you.”

320.“I’ve loved you for years.”

321.“Kiss me.”

322.“You’re the best part of me.”

323.“You keep me going.”

324.“You mean everything to me.”

325.“I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without you.”

326.“You’re perfect to me.”

327.“I don’t want to think about what I’d be like without you.”

328.“We’re best when we’re together.”

329.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

330.“Can I hold your hand?”

331.“Do you want to stay over tonight?”

332.“You’re adorable.”

333.“Everything has been different since I fell in love with you.”

334.“I didn’t think it was possible to love a person as much as I love you.”

335.“I didn’t think love existed until I started loving you.”

336.“Let’s move in together.”

337.“Do you want me to leave?”

338.“You are not going without me.”

339.“I swear it won’t happen again.”

340.“What did you say?”

341.“I’m not jealous!”

342.“We can’t keep doing this.”

343.“Isn’t this amazing?”

344.“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

345.“Stay the night. Please.”

346.“You can’t die. Please don’t die.”

347.“Run away with me.”

348.“Quit whining. It’s just a bullet.”

349.“Knowing you has made me a better person.”

350.“Just hold me.”

351.“I think I love you.”

352.“I’ve loved you for years.”

353.“Kiss me.”

354.“You’re the best part of me.”

355.“You keep me going.”

356.“You mean everything to me.”

357.“I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without you.“

358."You’re perfect to me.”

359.“I don’t want to think about what I’d be like without you.”

360.“We’re best when we’re together.”

361.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

362.“Can I hold your hand?”

363.“Do you want to stay over tonight?”

364.“You’re adorable.”

365.“Everything has been different since I fell in love with you.”

366.“I didn’t think it was possible to love a person as much as I love you.”

367.“I didn’t think love existed until I started loving you.”

368.“Let’s move in together.”

369.“Let’s strip down to our socks.”

Harry Potter Soap Opera

No, seriously. Someone write this. Can you just imagine all of the clichés and crazy things that could happen in a Harry Potter soap opera?


People mysteriously dying but somehow still alive?

Fudge: He-who-must-not-be-named is dead! How can he be alive? 

*Dramatic close up of a nose-less face.* Voldemort: It’s almost like I have seven lives. *Dun dun dun*

*Whole crowd gasps*


Cast members being switched out and no one says anything. 

Harry: Is it just me, or does Dumbledore look different to you guys?

Ron: No, it’s just you. 


Someone get’s framed for murder and everyone vilifies them.

Sirius: I’m innocent! Innocent, I tell you!

Dumbledore: I’m not giving you a trial because the evidence is against you and I suck as a person. 

*Whole crowd gasps*


Evil twin brothers.

Angelina catching George cheating with Alicia: I can’t believe you! We were going to get married!

George running into the room, panting as if he ran a mile: No! It’s not what you think! That’s Fred, my evil twin brother!

*Whole crowd gasps*


Someone is found out to have been framed and everyone loves them again.

Sirius: I told you I was framed! Eat dirt and die. 

Dumbledore shaking his head solemnly: I always believed in you but it was out of my hands. 

*Whole crowd boos*


Insane medical miracles. 

Madam Pomfrey: Quick he’s flat lining! *Gives completely bullshit scenario that somehow saves the patient, even though it defies logic.*

Severus: I’m alive?

*Whole crowd gasps*


Couple finds out they are actually somehow related to each other. 

Sirius trying not to cry: Tonks, we are distantly related. Cousins, in fact. 

Tonks: What are you saying?

Sirius: That we can’t be together, obviously. 

*Whole crowd gasps*


Sleeps with ex’s best friend to get over past lover. 

Sirius still trying not to cry: I know I told you that we couldn’t be together. But I didn’t think you would do this!

Tonks: But I love Remus!

Sirius: It’s been a day! How can you be in love in a day?

Remus kneeling down: Tonks, I feel like we’ve been together forever. Will you marry me?

*Whole crowd gasps*


Pregnancies happen in just a few episodes and no one says anything. 

Harry holding the baby: Tell me if it’s just me, but I thought Tonks only got pregnant last week. 

Ron: It’s just you. 


People mysteriously coming out of comas.

Neville: Mum! Dad! 

*Whole crowd gasps*


Children age overnight and no one says anything. 

Harry: Is it just me, or was Teddy only five yesterday and now he’s thirty?

Ron: It’s just you. 


People mysteriously getting amnesia. 

Doctor: We aren’t sure what happened. Lockhart seemed fine one moment and the next it was as if he was obliviated. 

Ron: Oh wow… cool story. One that I had nothing to do with. *Runs away*


People get married so many times that no one cares anymore. 

Harry: Is it just me, or isn’t this like the tenth wedding for Mrs. Zabini?

Ron: It’s just you. 


Marriages are a thing of the past. 

Ginny: What do you mean you want a divorce?

Harry: I can’t hide it anymore. I’m in love with someone else. 

Draco runs into the room, fan flowing his hair dramatically: He’s with me!

*Whole crowd gasps*


Running away with spouse’s sibling. 

Ron: I don’t understand. I thought we were happy. 

Hermione: I love you but I love your brother more. 

Ron covering his chest in despair: Which one? There’s so many of us. 

Hermione: Percy. 

*Whole crowd cringes*


Sibling that no one knew existed suddenly comes out of the woodworks. 

Harry: Is it just me, or hasn’t Charlie always been a part of the family?

Ron: It’s just you. 


Drama always happens at a wedding. 

Ginny running down the isle screaming: Stop the wedding! Malfoy isn’t what he seems! He is hiding a heinous secret!

Harry turns to Draco in worry:

Draco internally finding ways to murder Ginny:

Ginny: That’s not his real hair! 

*Whole crowd gasps*


Insane amount of crime happens in a tiny town that defies logic. 

Harry: Is it just me, or has their been eight robberies, five murders and two kidnappings just this week? That’s not normal, right?

Ron: It’s just you. 

—————————————————

I want a Harry Potter soap opera! Feel free to add your own clichés! 

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

i need me some jealous kara in my life, so of course i did what any person would’ve done and came with a bunch of headcanons to satisfy my own needs because that’s what self care is all about.

  • it all starts one afternoon, they’re downtown in one of lena’s favorite restaurants and kara’s talking excitedly about the new article she’s writing when lena’s phone goes off. usually when they’re together lena ignores it, she always says it’s business associates and insists they can wait but this time lena sees the name on the screen and smiles widely, “oh it’ll be just a minute kara, sorry” kara nods, motions her to go ahead and tries to focus on her pasta until she hears lena giggling “i can’t wait to see you! it’s been, what? six years?” something inside kara twitches. who is she talking to? most importantly who is making her smile like that?! that’s usually her thing. lena keeps talking to whoever is at the other end of the line as if she’s not there, beaming, chuckling… kara’s always believed herself to be someone non violent (for most the time) but she’s now wishing she could grab lena’s phone, throw it to the ground and break it.
  • turns out, lena says to her when they’re on the car ride back to l–corp, that one of her dearest friends from boarding school is planning a visit to national city and called her to see if they could get together, “her name is molly, we were together on science club and we hit it off right away,” kara knows it’s irrational to feel so… heated at the thought of lena hanging out with someone else because damn, she’s her own person and she’s allowed to have as many friends as she’d like but… it makes her extremely uncomfortable to think about lena laughing with someone that is not her. “i have to admit i had a little bit of a crush on her when we were younger,” and kara doesn’t know molly, has never seen her and certainly has no interest in doing it so but she already hates her.
  • “and then she said,” it’s game night, james and winn have paused mortal kombat to listen to her angry rant and alex is staring at her with wide eyes, beer in hand. “oh i used to have a crush on her, as if it’s the most trivial thing on the universe, did you know she was supposed to come tonight? i promised i would let her win at mario kart, but no! molly’s plane lands today and she called to say—i’m so sorry kara, i can’t make it, i’m gonna go pick her up, maybe some other time? can’t molly call herself an uber? does she really need to have lena’s attention all to herself? gosh it makes me so upset someone would be so selfish.” winn opens and closes his mouth a few times, not sure if he should say anything about the whole situation, james and alex are looking at each other, silently deciding on who should be the first to talk until finally alex breaks the silence. “kara… you don’t even know this molly person, didn’t you also say her and lena hand’t seen each other for years? it’s normal that they want to spend time with each other, catch up with what’s been going on in their lives.” kara crosses her arms over her chest and angrily stares out the window, she wants to bury her face on ice cream because though she knows alex is right she still wants to deck molly in the face.
  • lena is never late, if anything she’s always early to arrive to their lunch dates, but for the first time in months, lena luthor is fifteen minutes late and kara’s getting impatient, maybe she got caught up on work and didn’t see the hour, maybe she had to sign some contracts before leaving, maybe… maybe… she tries and call her twice but she doesn’t answer and that’s when kara gets worried, what if something happened to her? what if while she was on her way someone stopped her and hurt her? she’s tempted to alert the deo, tell them to search for lena’s location when she enters the restaurant a little breathless and with her hair disheveled. “kara i am sorry!” she sits down across from her and takes out her coat, “molly came over to my office and we started to talk, i didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” kara’s face goes dark. it’s wednesday, this is supposed to be their day, their afternoon, their time to be with one another without people interrupting and of course molly had to come and ruin it. “did you know molly has a motorbike? she dropped me off!” oh amazing, molly owes a motorbike, so does half the population of national city, she’s nothing especial. kara doesn’t feel like eating anymore and ends up leaving early. 
  • she’s punching one of the walls at the deo repeatedly, each punch harsher than the last. her knuckles feel on fire but it’s working wonders to get her mind off lena and her new best friend molly whom today decided to invite her to the beach. “what is wrong with her?” winn whispers to alex almost scared of kara’s sudden display of anger, alex shrugs and tell him she has no idea since kara refuses to talk with anyone about it. “she’s jealous,” j’onn says without looking up from the file he’s holding and both of them open their mouths in surprise. “psychic, remember?” 
  • “have i done something to upset you?” lena asks with her cheeks red in embarrassement and her voice breaking, “you’ve been avoiding me for weeks, yesterday you cancelled our lunch date because you said you had a lot of stuff to do but then you uploaded a picture on instagram with james in your pajamas eating popcorn. look kara, i know we all need our space sometimes but i’d rather hear the truth than finding out via social media that you’re lying to me.” she sounds so hurt and she’s almost on the verge of tears, kara feels awful she didn’t mean to make her feel bad, she was just tired of hearing her talk about molly and how amazing she was every single time they got together. “you want the truth?” lena nods eagerly and kara tries, she does, to keep her composure when she catches the necklace lena’s wearing… gold with rose pendant. “that is pretty,” she points to it and lena grabs it between her hands, “thank you! molly gave it to me yesterday.” kara feels her fist tighten. 
  • “well the truth is that molly is annoying,” she says standing up from her place and lena’s eyes widen. “yes, she’s annoying and she’s keeping you all to herself. it’s almost as she’s holding you captive! she’s taking you to the beach and to that art gallery i was going to take you, you are eating potstickers with her, lena, that’s our thing!” there’s no going back now… “and she’s… she’ probably ugly too—oh she has a motorcycle, how original! you know what lena, i can fly! i could fly you from here to paris in less than an hour, i bet molly can’t do that. you know what else i can do? lift you up, with one finger probably, can molly lift you up? no i don’t think she can. does she let you win at mario kart?! she doesn’t, huh, does she even know how to play mario kart, does she?!” 
  • lena looks at her in disbelief before she bursts out laughing and kara lets out a groan, “it’s not funny lena! i am much more interesting that molly will ever be and i’m—mphm!” lena’s kissing her, her cold hands are tangling themselves in her hair and she’s pulling her impossibly close and kara feels like she’s floating. for the first three seconds she doesn’t respond, but as soon as lena slips a warm tongue into her mouth her body reacts and she’s grabbing her everywhere. her face, her neck, her waist, her ass, lena gasps and they break apart. “sorry, i didn’t mean to… i just wanted to… you see this wasn’t what i had planned,” kara looks to the ground but it’s not for long because lena is grabbing her chin, making her look into her eyes and she melts. 
  • “love… i can’t believe you were jealous of molly.” kara clicks her tongue almost offended, she was not jealous of molly, she’s about to say it, to assure lena she doesn’t feel such childish emotion when lena gives her a small peck on the lips and her train of thought is stopped. “she’s married… and has two kids!” kara wants to hide under lena’s desk for the rest of the evening.
Pretend | Park Chanyeol

Link to Masterlist

Royalty AU | Arranged Marriage AU | Slight Angst 

Summary: You’re unsure but hopeful about your arranged marriage to the handsome Prince Chanyeol of the neighboring kingdom. But you’re in for an unpleasant surprise when you find out he’s in love with someone else, and completely despises the idea of being married to you. 

Word Count : About 5.5k (i don’t know how this got so long)


A/N: I was originally considering making this a series because it’s so long, but I think it works as a super-long oneshot? I do hope you enjoy this, it’s probably the most ambitious thing I’ve attempted to write :) 


“Are you ready, your Highness?”

“I will be in just a minute!” you said, as your lady-in-waiting, Lily, gently placed the delicate tiara on your carefully styled up hair. You took a deep breath and stared at your reflection in the mirror.

“You look absolutely radiant, Princess,” she said, smiling. “I’m sure Prince Chanyeol will be swept off his feet with one look at you.”

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Abstract

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER | TAEHYUNG VERSION 

WORD COUNT: 9K

In your household nothing was truly what it seemed; your mother was having an affair with her business partner, leaving your stepfather to work himself into a pit of denial. The only person who had real feelings under that roof was you. You felt disgust when your mother would blatantly lie to her husband, you felt overwhelmed and stressed because of university, and you felt the euphoria of your late night rendezvous with Taehyung.

Your stepbrother.

warnings: graphic smut, dirty talk, rough sex, dom!taehyung + sub!reader, degrading, humiliation, spanking + strong language

Originally posted by sweaterpawsjimin

masterlist | ask | song

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Sansa Stark does not deserve your hatred

In my last year of school we had to write a character analysis and I decided to write about Sansa Stark. My teacher (who was only a couple of years older than me) was a huge asoiaf fan and he got really excited about it, but I remember him frowning and saying in a perplexed voice, “How can Sansa Stark be your favourite character?”

I looked at him with the same confusion mirrored in my own eyes and replied: “Because she is strong.” That was the first time I realised how hated Sansa was and it really infuriated me and so I decided to show him in my essay why she is my favourite character and honestly I think he got it because I did end up getting a good grade.

The analyse focused on book Sansa but this will focus on show Sansa,and it will probably be a bit of a read.

This here is the very moment I began to like Sansa. This is where she looses her innocence and where her character growth begins. This is when she goes from being a child to a young woman. This is where she wants to kill her Prince Charming and she would have if the Hound had not stopped her. This is also a part many viewers seem to overlook, deciding to still view Sansa as a stupid little girl and that is the problem with those who dislike Sansa, they refuse to acknowledge her growth.

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Breaking the Rules - part 3

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary:  Modern!AU You hate James Barnes with a burning passion and the feeling is entirely mutual. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, you are tricked into attending his sister’s wedding as his girlfriend. Stuck with a bunch of strangers, you come up with a set of rules that are not going to last long.

Word Count:2,157

Warnings: the usual +  Mention of Cheating, Mention of Emotionally Abusive Relationship

A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter, lovelies!

Breaking the Rules - Masterpage

Originally posted by pennymany

You woke up with a start, unsure where you were. The distant sound of laughter filled the room and you rolled to your side, groaning. The light filtering through the curtains was bright enough to see by, but your eyes were still blurry from sleep.

“It’s barely seven!” Bucky groaned.

His head appeared just above the mattress as he sat up from the floor. He was at eye level with you and yawned widely, not bothering to cover his mouth. You buried your face into the pillow, mumbling something about morning breath.

“So this is what you look like in the morning,” he said, stretching his back. “Interesting.”

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The Major Arcana as People You Meet In College

0. The Fool: The freshman. He’s fascinated by the fact he just entered college, plans on joining every club imaginable, and thinks he can handle 8AM classes. Still wears his lanyard around his neck.

I. The Magician:The one who actually has all their shit together, lives off of campus and works a real-person job. Probably works out too. You want to not like them for it but they’re too nice.

II. The High Priestess: She’s kinda quiet and reserved, but if you talk to her she’s really smart and knows a lot of fun random facts. The sweet one that unexpectedly knows a lot of fucked up shit and freaks your friends out at a party for a few minutes that one time.

III. The Empress: She’s a junior when you get to college, but she likes you a lot and shows you around. She’s a big help and tells you about local deals on food. Buys you alcohol for the party but then makes sure you stay safe when you’re drunk. Very attractive, probably gay.

IV. The Emperor: This guy is probably older than you, and tends to give really good advice when you have drama. Sometimes his male privilege goes really unchecked but he’s willing to learn and know better. Designated driver.

V. The Hierophant: Absolutely can’t cope with the fact that underage drinking is a real thing. Straight A’s, probably on some Student Government board or faculty-built club that encourages good student conduct. Kinda snobby so you don’t talk to them much, but their help in Physics class was the only reason you passed.

VI. The Lovers: You’ve never known these people to not be dating. They’re basically already married and you’re basically their first child. When The Fool comes around you get upgraded to Aunt or Uncle or something. They give good relationship advice.

VII. The Chariot: He’s friends with all the right people, gets away with outrageous antics and never gets in trouble. Always has tickets to that concert you want. Cocky with a heart of gold. Smooth af. Probably tries to ask you on a date.

VIII. Strength: Deals with way more shit than you do. Holds your arm so you don’t rip somebody’s neck out when that person tries to pick a fight. Says they’ll “deal with” the creeper who’s been stalking you. You have no idea what she said to them, but they never approach you again.

IX. The Hermit: The friend that everyone likes, wise beyond their years. Every time you invite them to hang out, they’re busy with homework or something else comes up, even though they’re legitimately not trying to avoid you. Meditates daily. Forgets about that huge campus event you go to every year.

X. The Wheel of Fortune: You meet in a class and hit it off really well. You guys are close for a while, and you learn some life lessons and gain some new interests or viewpoints. The new semester rolls around and they basically fall off the face of the map.

XI. Justice: The friend who almost got alcohol poisoning once and completely changed their life afterwards. They’re much more stable now and seem a lot happier. They invite you to a bonfire at some point.

XII. The Hanged Man: He’s kind of a weird guy, but in a way that you still like hanging out with him. Has drastically different views about the world than the rest of your friends, which leads to a lot of really in-depth, interesting discussions. You emerge from that friendship a lot smarter.

XIII. Death: The one that finally managed to convince you to drop that club, break up with that person, or quit that destructive habit. Their solution for everything seems to be hard cut offs, you’re both impressed and intimidated by it.

XIV. Temperance:The student tutor you finally go to in an hour of need. They manage to completely salvage your paper from the brink of despair in under an hour. You feel like you have been touched by an angel.

XV. The Devil:Invites you to his birthday party, which is by far the trashiest situation you ever experience. Meanwhile, he gets tanked, calls somebody a string of offensive slurs, then does a line of cocaine. You don’t speak anymore.

XVI. The Tower: They seem cool and all, you talk now and then but are still getting to know them. Then, you hear them say something INCREDIBLY problematic or hear down the grape vine about their old sexual assault charges. You can’t look at them the same way anymore and now just thinking about how you used to hang out leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

XVII. The Star: That faculty member you LOVE. She helps you build your schedule, helps you fix your grade in the class, and reminds you that some people aren’t so bad after all.

XVIII. The Moon: Things are pretty good. You have a solid relationship going with somebody, then this asshole shows up and now you have to rethink everything about your current relationship and if they’re really worth dumping someone over. You agonize over it, not knowing what you want, until it just kinda awkwardly blows over and you figure out they aren’t into your gender anyway.

XIX. The Sun: This person is the one always sharing mildly-political information on Facebook. Before you know it, you’re freshly passionate about the causes you care for the most, and still educated on the ones you don’t put as much energy into. You cared about these things before, but they’re the person that armed you with the knowledge you needed to actually have constructive dialogue about it.

XX. Judgement: Best friends with Justice, and is remodeling her entire life. You don’t hang out with her often so the next time you see her she has a new hobby, new major, new hairstyle, and has probably stopped talking to certain members of her family. It was tough but she seems better for it.

XXI. The World: Your person. They stick with you from year one to when you graduate. You complement each other really well. You still make healthy time for other people but they’re still your best friend. Eventually when you get older they’ll have a kid and name it after you probably.