For the lesbians who have just lost all hope of ever coming out, of ever getting a girlfriend, of ever feeling safe. For the lesbians who are seeing their hopes for a happy future dwindle away. For the lesbians who are rushing to try to find a boyfriend to try to pass as straight, for the lesbians who no longer feel safe dressing and presenting the way they want to.
For the bi girls with girlfriends who are terrified about their relationships, for the bi girls with boyfriends who feel isolated, for the bi girls with datemates who don’t know where to go after this. For the out bi girls and the closeted bi girls and the bi girls in between.
For the pan girls who have never dated a girl and are afraid they’ll never be able to, for the pan girls who feel silenced and invisible and alone and afraid, for the pan girls who can’t process what’s happening.
For the sapphic woc who are in physical danger, for the Muslim sapphic woc who wear the hijab and for the Muslim sapphic woc who don’t. For the undocument sapphic woc, for their families, for their loved ones. For the black sapphics who protest and for the black sapphics who don’t. For the sapphic woc whose names are mispronounced by white Americans, for the sapphic woc who don’t speak very good English or any English at all. For the sapphic woc with immigrant parents who are worried about deportation, who are worried about hate crimes, who haven’t slept since the election was called.
You are so valuable and important and loved. You matter so much, and there are so many people who won’t stop fighting for you. You deserve so much better than this. You are worth so much more than this country can give you. It’s okay to feel sad and defeated, but please don’t feel worthless. It isn’t over and there will be so many others who will stand with you for every step from here. You are not alone, and you are so important.
Someone who’s going to hold my hand in the car and outdo my goofy dancing. Someone who’s going to let me pick on them, giving it back twice as bad. Someone who will come over at 1am when I’m too afraid to sleep alone. Someone who won’t mind sitting up at 5am when I’m physically sick from my anxiety and nightmares. Someone who understands that I have horrible days but that they make my good days that much better. Someone who kisses me at every comma in my sentences. Someone who will wrap me up when I lean into them, in the middle of the bar or in the middle of the kitchen. Someone who traces their fingers along my back and answers my hundreds of questions. Someone who listens to me ramble on about politics and things that make me feel one way or another. Someone who remembers my favorite flower and song and weather. Someone who doesn’t make me question how they feel. Someone who wants me, through & through.
That’s the girl I want.
“Y/n,” You hear
Andrew’s voice shouting from the front of the bus. You don’t know why he’s
yelling, but he sounds frantic.
You tell your
sister, “I have to go. I’ll call you back later.” And you hang up the phone
before even giving her a chance to say goodbye as you slide out of your bunk.
You’re currently on tour with Shawn because he had asked you to come along, but
you miss your family just like he misses his when he’s gone. Whenever Shawn’s
busy working, you often take that time to call or FaceTime your family or
friends back home. Shawn is currently doing his meet and greet, so you had decided
to stay on the bus to talk to your sister over the phone.
As soon as your
toes touch the ground, Andrew appears at the end of the hall. “Y/n, there you
are!” He practically screams, which slightly startles you because you’re not
very far from him, so you don’t really understand why he’s shouting so loudly.
“Come with me,” He says, turning around and practically running out of the bus.
You’re confused, but decide to not ask any questions as you rush after him.
freaking out. I think everything’s just been too much lately.” Andrew tells
you, while practically jogging into the venue.
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away …. and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast …. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frig then them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a format that is not your won and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust …. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
This week marks 18 years since I completed treatment for non-hodgkin’s lymphoma. On May 11, 1999, I received the last of 30 radiation treatments, following several months of chemotherapy and 2 surgeries. In the fall of ’98, while in graduate school, I had symptoms I kept trying to explain away with excuses such as “every student is exhausted,” “it’s the altitude” (I was living in New Mexico), “I’ve developed an allergy,” and my most common excuse “I’m just depressed” (my Mom died 5 months before the onset of my symptoms). But lo and behold, the day of reckoning arrived, actually moved in like a severe thunderstorm, and I could no longer ignore how I felt. After an initial evaluation in Albuquerque, but before having a definitive diagnosis, I returned home to Kentucky when it seemed my situation was quite serious. Into the hospital I went for what was supposed to be an outpatient biopsy. The best laid plans of surgeons and patients do not always turn out as hoped. During the procedure to biopsy the mass in my chest, two very serious complications occurred and I wound up in the place I always said I never wanted to work - the surgical intensive care unit. A week later, after falling victim to the “more than 7 tubes” rule, ie if a person has more than 7 tubes inserted in their body they are usually quite ill, I was moved from the ICU to the cancer floor. If I was previously in denial about my diagnosis, moving to the “cancer floor” hastened my reluctant acceptance that I did indeed have an illness that fit under the cancer umbrella.
The only book I brought into the hospital with me was Cold Mountain. I had about 50 pages to read at the time of my intended 23 hour admission. Rarely does someone in the ICU have the energy or inclination to read - and for the first time in my life, I found myself having no interest in reading. Nor did I want anyone to read to me. But after getting settled in my room on the cancer floor, I finally did have a small spark of desire to read. I finished Cold Mountain with some trepidation - a part of me wanted there to be a beautiful happy ending, while the part of me that was accepting the seriousness of my illness wanted only sadness and heartache for the protagonists. At this point, I was still compartmentalizing my life. I had great clinical interest in non-hodgkin’s lymphoma, but I was approaching it from the perspective of being the health care provider rather than being the person who was now living with a disease that could lead to my death. Even my belief in the light of eternity, even my faith, provided little comfort or consolation. I found myself re-reading the sad parts of Cold Mountain. Others have suffered too, I reminded myself, and they have gone on living.
One of my sisters went to our local public library and asked for a recommendation of a novel, historical fiction. The librarian recommended Outlander. I rolled my eyes when she came into my room with such a massive book - I did not yet have the energy to get myself out of bed - how was I going to hold a book that seemed to weigh ten pounds? After propping the book up on pillows, I started reading and I kept going. The book was so engrossing that I read late into the night, much to the dismay of my nurses and family member or friend who were with me for the night. Initially I was afraid to be alone at night, but after I got caught up in the story, I told everyone to go home in the evening, so eager was I to read, actually to devour, Outlander.
So began my connection with the story that weaves the lives of Claire and Jamie together in a beautiful tapestry of love, sadness, joy, pain, separation, reunion…I have learned much from their story, and now with the TV series, the learning continues in new and varied ways. Grateful for the many designs of Providence active in my life, I have a lovely new circle of friends now - all of you. I celebrate the friendships formed here and look forward to new ways that the story of Claire and Jamie will inform and shape various aspects of our lives and world views. My greatest hope is for all of us to celebrate life and find things which engender gratitude in our hearts, even as there is pain and disappointment. Thanks, friends, for being here! No one else but all of us together would understand, dare I say even could understand, our connection with the Outlander saga.
Hey Clony friends I just made this sideblog because my personal ( @midsummermiracles ) was becoming Clony trash. I can’t follow back on this account since it’s on the side but I’ve followed some of the Clony blogs on my personal!
So to start, here are some of my headcanons. Sorry if they overlap with other peoples, I wrote them the other day and now reading what other people have wrote made me realize we have a lot of similar ones 😂
-When they’re watching TV or a movie on the couch, Clay always curls up and lays his head in Tony’s lap so Tony can run his hands through his hair
-Tony calls Clay baby and clay pretends to be annoyed by it but secretly likes it
-Tony let’s Clay borrow his leather jacket if he’s cold but always ends up laughing at the way Clay looks while wearing it
-Clay is really snuggly and always wants Tony to hold him, especially when he’s falling asleep
-Tony tries to make Clay dinner and he always has a hard time eating it because it’s too spicy, and Tony laughs at him for being so stereotypically white
-Clay always bottoms and loves letting Tony take control and dominate him
-Tony likes rough sex but feels so protective of Clay that he’s really gentle at the beginning of their relationship. But when he finds out that Clay likes it really rough and dirty too, Tony takes advantage
of that to the fullest after a little hesitation.
-But sometimes they have really cute sweet sex too
-When Tony gets really into fucking Clay he always accidentally starts talking dirty to him in Spanish
-Tony loves kisses on his neck and abs
-Tony likes sending Clay dirty texts because he knows he’ll blush when he reads them and he thinks that’s adorable
-They’ve hiked up to that cliff at night and hooked up there
-Clay can deepthroat really well lol and likes waking Tony up in the morning by sucking his dick
-Tony’s hyper-masculinity in contrast to him being gay turns Clay on- part of the reason he’d never considered being with a guy before was that he hadn’t ever been attracted to the stereotypically gay guys who go to school with him
-Clay is terrified to come out to his parents and has panic attacks about it, but Tony helps him calm down and promises to help him get though it because it was hard for him to come out to his parents as well
-Tony is lowkey violently protective and is really quick to threaten/fight anyone who says anything negative to Clay
-Tony is afraid to leave Clay alone when he’s anxious or upset because he’s so worried that he’ll do anything like what Hannah did
Once, when he was five or six years old, Will woke panting from a nightmare. The digital clock next to his bed blinked 2:17 in bright red letters, so he knew his parents were asleep. Usually – every other time, in fact – Will woke them anyway, but not tonight.
Like his father, Will was prone to nightmares. He always remembered them perfectly, maybe because they were just like movies: his nightmares always had a discernible beginning and middle (and end, if he didn’t wake up first). The scenes and characters were drawn in incredible detail. If anyone asked, Will could count the number of leaves on the trees or bricks in the walls; he could find crayons that precisely matched the color of a dead man’s skin, two or three or ten days after his death.
Of course, no one ever asked.
Usually Will would pad down the hallway to his parents’ room and clamber into bed with them. They would wake up and he’d tell them the broad strokes of his nightmare – he knew already that he wasn’t supposed to remember them so clearly – and they would reassure him.
Will’s parents weren’t like most parents. He knew from TV and the reports of his friends at school that parents were supposed to tell you that there’s no monster under your bed, that zombies aren’t real, that aliens aren’t going to take you away in their shiny silver spaceships. Will’s parents never, ever said those things. “We’ll keep the bad things from you,” his mother would say, and she’d press a kiss to the top of his head, mussing up his hair. And she or his father would tell him a story, with the more gruesome details left out, of a time, long ago, when they fought monsters every day, when they protected people every day. And Will knew that they would protect him, too.
In later years, he’ll realize that those late-night conversations were the most his parents ever told him about their work.
That night, the night he didn’t wake his parents, he dreamed that he was the hero of the story. He dreamed that something terrible had happened and everyone was gone; he dreamed that he was the only one who could save them. In his dream he was afraid and alone, but also powerful. He dreamed of a little house in the middle of nowhere and the lake shining behind it, candlelight in the basement, and his parents’ familiar voices. I’d move heaven and earth to keep you safe, his mom said in the dream. Heaven and earth. He didn’t understand what any of it meant, and unlike his other dreams he would forget all of it by the morning. Years later he’d recall pieces of it, just fragments, but enough to understand what had happened, and what was going to happen.
Once, a long time ago, Will slept, and dreamed of the world to come.
Imagine a teenquisitor Mage, who has spent a good chunk of their training on the run after the war started and really doesn’t have that good a grasp of their magic, meeting Solas at Haven. Maybe during that first fight, he notices something off about their aim, or the way they hold their staff, or their stance, and he just gently corrects them, and then during the next fight they try again and take down even more demons and they just whip around and beam at him because they did it did you see?
And those gentle corrections turn into full blown lessons, and this kid is just so happy to learn because hey my barrier is stronger now so if another rogue sneaks up behind Cassandra I can protect her, hey next time we come up against a bunch of archers I can shake the ground and mess up their aim until Bull and Blackwall can cross the distance
and maybe they mess things up sometimes but Solas never gets frustrated or impatient, he just tells them how their stance was much better or they had the perfect power behind that last spell, they just need to adjust how they swung their staff, and then they keep trying until they get it and they grin and Solas just stands there looking so fucking proud, and after the lesson he makes sure they get something to eat and gets them to warm up by the fire and tells them story after story about the Fade and the things he’s seen there.
And then sometimes at night, he finds them in the Fade (they can’t navigate well enough to find him, but he always keeps an eye on them to make sure no demons come calling) and he takes them to watch an ancient battle or to see this peaceful grove tucked away from anyone’s eyes, and they’re just so enraptured because for the first time they don’t feel like they have to be scared of magic or the Fade or spirits, that those things can be wonderful and warm and beautiful too.
And maybe after Redcliffe this kid is trying to look around the Fade to distract themselves from what they saw, and they start noticing more and more demons of fear and rage and despair, and there are so many and they’re all talking at once and oh Maker they’re right I’m going to fail everyone is going to die and it’s all my fault I wasn’t good enough
But then they remember what Solas told them, about how those things are just words, those demons are just whispering the darkest thoughts they can find but that doesn’t mean they’re real, they don’t have any special foresight into what will happen, they’re just saying whatever they can to hurt. And this scared kid, this kid who has felt afraid and alone their entire life, turns away from these demons and rounds a corner and Solas is there, and they run to him and hug him and cry and they know it’s okay, and he sends the demons scurrying with a glare. And they spend the rest of the night wandering an ancient forest and studying runes until the kid feels safe again.
And then one day they get cornered and try a spell they’ve been having trouble with and it works and they turn like they always do because I did it did you see that did you see that dad?
And when they realize what they said they’re so embarrassed and Solas doesn’t know quite what to say either, but then he can’t stop smiling when he thinks they aren’t looking because for the first time in who knows how long he feels warm inside, and all he wants to do is protect them but he knows he can’t, so he teaches them to protect themselves from the Red Templars and the giants and the bears
And it isn’t until much later that they realize he was also teaching them to protect themselves from him.
1. You overthink, and not just when you’re upset. I can ask you a yes or no question and you will go through some sort of insane mental process that drives me crazy before you provide an answer.
2. You’re lost. You’re so lost. And not like the way I get when I look into your ocean eyes, but you’re lost in a way where only you can find yourself once you know what you want in life. I only say this because I’ve tried for many years now to help you get found, but I was only making you more lost by doing so. And for that, I’m sorry.
3. You’re sensitive. And I am too but I’m better at hiding it which is why I know of you.
4. You’re curious and you question the world, with so much dignity and a hidden personality. You strive in foreign land, speaking words amongst those who have ever doubted you. You’re not afraid to go out there, alone. But that’s the thing, you’re never [alone].
5. You’re a lover. A lover of everything and everyone there is to see. And that is the biggest thing I wish I knew, because I’ve learned that you’ll never be in love with only me, you need more than just a single being.
And so these are the things I wish I knew. To the person who will occupy your life next, I pass this on to you. Just know, she loves you a lot, she just has her own way of showing it.
Jumin awoke to a painful thumping in his head. The amount of wine he had consumed had probably caused this headache. He reached over to the other side of the bed expecting to find his lover; however he felt nothing of the silk of the sheets.
"MC?“ He called out as worry began to fill his mind.
Suddenly all the events from the things that had happened previous days had flooded into his mind. He quickly sat up searching around the room of any sign of your presence. His heart started to race when he saw that you were gone. The ringing of his phone distracted him from his thoughts. The name Sarah flashed on the caller id. Her. She was the woman that he had cheated with. A sudden wave of anger flashed though his body as he grabbed his phone as through it against the wall.
How could he? The only person he loved, the only woman that had understood him and had truly loved for who he was, he had gone and destroyed it all. He had never intended for it to go this far. It was only supposed to be a one time thing for business.
Elizabeth purred softly and rubbed her soft white on his arm as she looked up to her owner, feeling his depressed state. The ringing of his phone kept going off. He sighed heavily and picked up the phone finally answering to the mistress.
Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Maybe Sarah was the one he was supposed to be with. His heart pinged with pain as he looked at all the pictures that were left in the penthouse. A picture of the two of you on your one year anniversary. You had huge smile on your face as he had his arms around your waist. He hung up the phone and walked into the closet. Of course all of your belongs were gone except for the things he had bought you. The beautiful red dress from the day he had first met you at the RFA party. In a box and the floor laid the engagement ring. His hands trembled as he now finally realized that he had lost you. He dropped it and saw a neatly wrapped gift on the the top of the closet self. He grabbed the gift and tore off the wrapping only to find a photo album.
'To my beloved Fiancé~ As a gift for our four year anniversary, I thought I’d get you something meaningful from my heart.‘
A small tear ran down his cheek as the memories from all the years you were together came into his mind.
The photo album started off with a picture of the day you first met, the RFA party. It continued on with every firsts you had, such as date, kiss, first anniversaries, and first more private stuff~.
The sound of his door creaking open caught his attention. A tall beautiful woman with blue eyes and long black hair walked though the door.
'Honey! You finally got rid of them? That’s what you wanted right? Why do you look so sad? Is there any way I can cheer you up~?’ She purred as she straddled his lap.
Although his heart was telling him to push her away he couldn’t.
Although his biggest fear was losing you, he was also afraid of being alone. Who cares if he was unhappy anyways? He had no reason to be happy anymore since the source of his joy was long gone. He was even too afraid to go on the messenger app, knowing how shameful it was for all of the members to see how much of a jack ass he was. Maybe he did deserve this. MC deserved someone better after all. He wasn’t the perfect man he told everyone he was. In reality he was just a scared insecure man that had let his fear get the best of him and ruin what good he had left in his life. The loneliness and thought of knowing he would never truly be happy again made the empty kisses that Sarah was leaving on his neck feel numb.
The thought of you was stuck in his head; what were you doing? You probably hated him right? He hated himself for doing such a horrible act on someone that he claimed he loved deeply for. He was sure that he had loved you. He only wanted you. The woman who was now undressing in front of him, was she really worth giving up his life for? The life he had already planned with you? The woman’s cold hands started to unbutton his shirt and remove his tie. This was for the best. Even though his heart felt torn and empty he didn’t stop her. The only way to drown his feeling was to drink and fuck the pain away. While he was with her, in her, the thought of you still couldn’t leave his mind.
Her loud high pitched moans couldn’t even drown you out of his mind. He became frustrated. Losing himself in the act he was committing with this woman.
Was this the only escape from the new harsh reality?
It’s my birthday! Sorry for the awkward selfies but I’m loving myself. Today is the first birthday without someone I used to love dearly. If you had told me a year ago that this person would no longer be in my life I would have laughed. It’s been a rough past couple months without them but every day I realize that I’m becoming who I’m meant to be. I was so afraid of being alone, but sometimes you have to just close your eyes and walk blindly until you find what you need. I needed this.
To be honest, Me from 4 years ago wouldn’t have believed that I lived to see my 18th birthday. 4 years ago I was hospitalized at this time. Today I can say that I’m ready for life!!
So cheers - here’s to the people I’ve lost and the friends I’ve made along the way. I am alive and breathing against all odds. Here’s to the person I used to love, the one who kicked me while I was down, used me, insulted me, lied to me. I would have loved you for the rest of my life, but you showed me who you really are. Thank you for that. You pushed me to my breaking point and that made me realize how strong I am. Thank you for pushing me to realize who I needed to become.
I will forever love our memories, but I’m so glad I can say never again to you. I’m strong enough for that now. One day you’re going to be alone and the weight of what you did to me and to her will crush you. I hope that when you reach your breaking point you don’t shatter.
I’m rambling along because I’ve got a fever of 102 but yay! I’m alive! Thanks life!!
Per your top 5 favorite characters list, why Ginny? I love her too, just curious what in particular put her in your number one spot. Love your blog, btw!
Honestly my top 5 varies based on how I feel when I get up in the morning. I honestly can’t choose a single character most of the time.
But I do love Ginny dearly.
She’s smart, witty, and friendly, and what’s not to love about that?
But more than that, I think she is an incredibly strong woman who comes into her own over the course of the series.
From the very beginning, she’s impressive. How many 11-year-old girls could escape from Voldemort’s control like she did when she got rid of the diary? How many 11-year-old girls could go through what she did and come out on the other side without completely falling apart? From the very start, she’s a survivor.
A lot of people complained that she wasn’t included enough in the books (though she’s mentioned more often than most people realize), and I would love to have seen more of her story too. On the other hand, I also love that she has her own thing going on in the background. She grows into this amazing self-assured woman, and we as readers get only glimpses of that transition. There are all of these wonderful little moments, her developing independent friendships, her sharing a joke with Harry. One of my particular favorites is when Ron suggests she goes to the ball with Harry. She had already accepted Neville’s invitation to go as friends, but to be completely honest, Neville would have understood if she ditched him. But she didn’t. This is a 13-year-old girl who has just been handed her crush on a silver platter, and she turns the opportunity down because she already has a date.
This is the girl who Fred and George were both impressed with and slightly afraid of. And that alone says a great deal about Ginny.
As we get into OP, I love that Ginny is even more confident. She stands up for both Luna and Neville, and that absolutely matters. She also shows that, regardless of her feelings for Harry, she’s still going to stand up to him. She calls him out on his shit when she thinks he needs it, but she’s also there to listen to him when he just needs someone to listen. OP shows Ginny’s ability to connect with Harry emotionally, and give him exactly what he needs. I love that she has the emotional intelligence to deal with both Harry and her friends. She’s down-to-earth, but she also injects some much-needed positivity into Harry’s life.
In HBP, we get to see even more of Ginny. I genuinely like the way the subplots with Ginny’s boyfriend were handled. Ron’s annoyance seemed perfectly in-character, but I love how Ginny and her relationships basically deconstructed the idea that Ron has a voice in her dating life. Not only does she repeatedly fire back and assert her independence, she challenges the hypocrisy and makes it clear that her business is not her brothers’ business. And I love Ginny for giving zero credence to the idea that her brothers had a vote in her dating life.
She was afraid of these things that made her suddenly wonder who she was, and what she was going to be in the world, and why she was standing at that minute, seeing a light, or listening, or staring up into the sky: alone.