who she was inside

i need me some jealous kara in my life, so of course i did what any person would’ve done and came with a bunch of headcanons to satisfy my own needs because that’s what self care is all about.

  • it all starts one afternoon, they’re downtown in one of lena’s favorite restaurants and kara’s talking excitedly about the new article she’s writing when lena’s phone goes off. usually when they’re together lena ignores it, she always says it’s business associates and insists they can wait but this time lena sees the name on the screen and smiles widely, “oh it’ll be just a minute kara, sorry” kara nods, motions her to go ahead and tries to focus on her pasta until she hears lena giggling “i can’t wait to see you! it’s been, what? six years?” something inside kara twitches. who is she talking to? most importantly who is making her smile like that?! that’s usually her thing. lena keeps talking to whoever is at the other end of the line as if she’s not there, beaming, chuckling… kara’s always believed herself to be someone non violent (for most the time) but she’s now wishing she could grab lena’s phone, throw it to the ground and break it.
  • turns out, lena says to her when they’re on the car ride back to l–corp, that one of her dearest friends from boarding school is planning a visit to national city and called her to see if they could get together, “her name is molly, we were together on science club and we hit it off right away,” kara knows it’s irrational to feel so… heated at the thought of lena hanging out with someone else because damn, she’s her own person and she’s allowed to have as many friends as she’d like but… it makes her extremely uncomfortable to think about lena laughing with someone that is not her. “i have to admit i had a little bit of a crush on her when we were younger,” and kara doesn’t know molly, has never seen her and certainly has no interest in doing it so but she already hates her.
  • “and then she said,” it’s game night, james and winn have paused mortal kombat to listen to her angry rant and alex is staring at her with wide eyes, beer in hand. “oh i used to have a crush on her, as if it’s the most trivial thing on the universe, did you know she was supposed to come tonight? i promised i would let her win at mario kart, but no! molly’s plane lands today and she called to say—i’m so sorry kara, i can’t make it, i’m gonna go pick her up, maybe some other time? can’t molly call herself an uber? does she really need to have lena’s attention all to herself? gosh it makes me so upset someone would be so selfish.” winn opens and closes his mouth a few times, not sure if he should say anything about the whole situation, james and alex are looking at each other, silently deciding on who should be the first to talk until finally alex breaks the silence. “kara… you don’t even know this molly person, didn’t you also say her and lena hand’t seen each other for years? it’s normal that they want to spend time with each other, catch up with what’s been going on in their lives.” kara crosses her arms over her chest and angrily stares out the window, she wants to bury her face on ice cream because though she knows alex is right she still wants to deck molly in the face.
  • lena is never late, if anything she’s always early to arrive to their lunch dates, but for the first time in months, lena luthor is fifteen minutes late and kara’s getting impatient, maybe she got caught up on work and didn’t see the hour, maybe she had to sign some contracts before leaving, maybe… maybe… she tries and call her twice but she doesn’t answer and that’s when kara gets worried, what if something happened to her? what if while she was on her way someone stopped her and hurt her? she’s tempted to alert the deo, tell them to search for lena’s location when she enters the restaurant a little breathless and with her hair disheveled. “kara i am sorry!” she sits down across from her and takes out her coat, “molly came over to my office and we started to talk, i didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” kara’s face goes dark. it’s wednesday, this is supposed to be their day, their afternoon, their time to be with one another without people interrupting and of course molly had to come and ruin it. “did you know molly has a motorbike? she dropped me off!” oh amazing, molly owes a motorbike, so does half the population of national city, she’s nothing especial. kara doesn’t feel like eating anymore and ends up leaving early. 
  • she’s punching one of the walls at the deo repeatedly, each punch harsher than the last. her knuckles feel on fire but it’s working wonders to get her mind off lena and her new best friend molly whom today decided to invite her to the beach. “what is wrong with her?” winn whispers to alex almost scared of kara’s sudden display of anger, alex shrugs and tell him she has no idea since kara refuses to talk with anyone about it. “she’s jealous,” j’onn says without looking up from the file he’s holding and both of them open their mouths in surprise. “psychic, remember?” 
  • “have i done something to upset you?” lena asks with her cheeks red in embarrassement and her voice breaking, “you’ve been avoiding me for weeks, yesterday you cancelled our lunch date because you said you had a lot of stuff to do but then you uploaded a picture on instagram with james in your pajamas eating popcorn. look kara, i know we all need our space sometimes but i’d rather hear the truth than finding out via social media that you’re lying to me.” she sounds so hurt and she’s almost on the verge of tears, kara feels awful she didn’t mean to make her feel bad, she was just tired of hearing her talk about molly and how amazing she was every single time they got together. “you want the truth?” lena nods eagerly and kara tries, she does, to keep her composure when she catches the necklace lena’s wearing… gold with rose pendant. “that is pretty,” she points to it and lena grabs it between her hands, “thank you! molly gave it to me yesterday.” kara feels her fist tighten. 
  • “well the truth is that molly is annoying,” she says standing up from her place and lena’s eyes widen. “yes, she’s annoying and she’s keeping you all to herself. it’s almost as she’s holding you captive! she’s taking you to the beach and to that art gallery i was going to take you, you are eating potstickers with her, lena, that’s our thing!” there’s no going back now… “and she’s… she’ probably ugly too—oh she has a motorcycle, how original! you know what lena, i can fly! i could fly you from here to paris in less than an hour, i bet molly can’t do that. you know what else i can do? lift you up, with one finger probably, can molly lift you up? no i don’t think she can. does she let you win at mario kart?! she doesn’t, huh, does she even know how to play mario kart, does she?!” 
  • lena looks at her in disbelief before she bursts out laughing and kara lets out a groan, “it’s not funny lena! i am much more interesting that molly will ever be and i’m—mphm!” lena’s kissing her, her cold hands are tangling themselves in her hair and she’s pulling her impossibly close and kara feels like she’s floating. for the first three seconds she doesn’t respond, but as soon as lena slips a warm tongue into her mouth her body reacts and she’s grabbing her everywhere. her face, her neck, her waist, her ass, lena gasps and they break apart. “sorry, i didn’t mean to… i just wanted to… you see this wasn’t what i had planned,” kara looks to the ground but it’s not for long because lena is grabbing her chin, making her look into her eyes and she melts. 
  • “love… i can’t believe you were jealous of molly.” kara clicks her tongue almost offended, she was not jealous of molly, she’s about to say it, to assure lena she doesn’t feel such childish emotion when lena gives her a small peck on the lips and her train of thought is stopped. “she’s married… and has two kids!” kara wants to hide under lena’s desk for the rest of the evening.
4
And I think in some way, she broke her own heart. She fell in love with every pretty thing and she was yet to know about the cruelty of the world and the toxicity of people. She opened herself up to people who didnโ€™t care much for what was inside and she let people in who werenโ€™t even knocking at the door. She didnโ€™t have any walls, she didnโ€™t understand why she needed them. โ€œLove is love, love is beautiful and soft and gentle and pure, isnโ€™t it? Why would you want to deprive yourself of that feeling?โ€ She thought. She fell in love with the idea of being loved and I donโ€™t think she minded who it was, she ran into the arms of people who seemed fluent in the language of love. She was left with broken promises and tired eyes, every time.
—  Excerpt of a book Iโ€™ll never write

a non-exhaustive list of photos that go up on the wall in the foxhole court lounge before neil josten graduates:

  • nicky and aaron and kevin jammed into one side of a fast food restaurant booth at 3am on new years day, eating burgers while looking varying stages of wasted (taken by an amused dan from the next booth over, from between neil and andrew’s heads)
  • renee alone, an artistic shot that captures the light in her hair, turning it into a proper rainbow, and the gilded line of her jaw and cheek (everyone thinks it was taken by dan. it was allison)
  • aaron and katelyn together, aaron’s expression so quiet and so, so light as he looks up at her where she’s perched on a table looking back (taken by allison, who knows what it means to be a pretty girl who loves someone all broken inside. she’s not jealous that katelyn has better luck than her - she’s, in a strange way, proud)
  • kevin and wymack talking on the sidelines, serious as always, taken to catch wymack’s attentively bowed head and the considering light in kevin’s eyes (you better believe dan took that one)
  • neil lying back against andrew’s side, andrew’s arm hooked over his shoulder and his hand splayed loose and easy over neil’s chest while he stares out the window, neil’s chin on his chest as he sleeps, taken on a long bus ride home (taken by renee. andrew knows it was her - she took him turning his face away as the tacit permission it was)
  • dan and matt kissing and grinning and kissing, helmets under arms, at the end of dan’s last practice before the penultimate game of her final season as fox captain (taken by renee from the bench, with a smile on her own face)
  • the entire team with the trophy, the one that proves them better than a one-shot wonder after all (taken by katelyn, heart so swollen with pride she can barely swallow)
  • the girls arm in arm, dressed in fox orange, all grinning after their graduation ceremony in abby’s backyard
  • the aftermath of that, where matt bounds in behind them and hugs the three of them at once so they’re all in various stages of open-mouthed yelling and laughing (both taken by a gruff but impossibly proud wymack)
  • matt bent over to talk to neil on the court, their height difference comical (a sports photographer took that one, but nicky’s the one to put it on the wall. neil is bemused)
  • nicky and erik, from his surprise visit during the last games of the fall season, where nicky has obviously been smiling (taken by neil, at nicky’s request but without complaint)
  • andrew’s profile and neil’s face in focus, capturing the intensity with which he looks at andrew - more open than he would have known how to be a few years back, and just a little soft (taken by nicky. fair’s fair)
  • neil alone by the whiteboard in the lounge, arms crossed and mouth open as he lectures the freshman (read; tears them to pieces) as their captain (taken by matt, who admires neil’s ability to verbally destroy people)
  • kevin and neil talking to the press, in gear but with their helmets off. kevin smiling (they won), neil’s eyes cool and serious (a press shot that nicky cut out and put up. kevin likes that they look like professionals in it, and likes having neil josten beside him)
  • kevin and wymack at his graduation, heads together. kevin’s smiling (taken by neil because kevin as a human belongs to the foxes, and belongs on the wall)
  • matt in the jersey of his new pro team under his graduation gown, posing like a superhero with an arm thrown over his head (taken by neil, laughing)
  • matt and nicky grinning with the ocean in the background, arms over shoulders (taken by dan on their group trip to california - there’s blurs in the background that would, with a sharper focus, resolve into a sunburn-victim neil, a black-clad arm belonging to andrew, the back of kevin’s head, and the irrepressible and smiling jeremy knox, their guide for the day) 
  • andrew leaning against the driver side door of the maserati in an undisclosed location, staring into the camera like he’s challenging the man behind it (neil. it’s neil)

Thinking big can lead to breakthroughs or spectacular failures, and the Pentagon agency DARPA has had its share of both. DARPA is the acronym for The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. It started off as ARPA, before the “D” for defense was added. Its mission is to create innovative defense technologies and its projects have ranged from space based missile shields to cyborg insects. The innovations have had practical applications in the civilian world ranging from the internet to robot vacuum cleaners. Sharon Weinberger is the author of the new book The Imagineers of War. Her research includes recently declassified documents as well as interviews she conducted with people who have worked on DARPA projects. 

Inside DARPA, The Pentagon Agency Whose Technology Has ‘Changed the World’

Whatever you do, don't think about Adele's All I Ask in the context of Supercorp...

Kara and Lena had a whirlwind romance; a passionate affair that ended when Lena realised the only way to take down Cadmus was to stand by her mothers side; that she was the one who would have to destroy it from the inside. She played her role convincingly enough and broke the heart of the only woman she’s ever loved. What Kara never realised was that Lena’s heart broke everytime she saw the hurt in Kara’s eyes.

The DEO gets intel from an unknown source of where the base for Cadmus is and they plan accordingly. The night before they are due to storm the warehouse, Kara opens her door to find Lena on the other side, her eyes trying to convey everything she wishes she had told Kara.

**I will leave my heart at the door,
I wont say a word,
They’ve all been said before you know**

Lena is terrified of what the showdown means for her, for Kara, for them… So she can’t be alone and goes to the only person she has ever completely trusted or felt safe with.

**So why dont we just play pretend?
Like we’re not scared of what is coming next,
Or scared of having nothing left**

Realistically Lena knows what the battle will bring, that either Cadmus or the DEO will walk away triumphant, there is no way both of them are surviving and she wanted to see Kara one last time.

**Look, dont get me wrong I know
There is no tomorrow**

Kara is shaking slightly, all of the emotions she had suppressed resurfacing as the woman she had believed in, the woman she had (did, she corrects herself) love takes her hand.

**All I ask is if
This is my last night with you,
Hold me like I’m more than just a friend**

No words have been spoken, but Kara understands exactly what Lena is asking.

**Give me a memory I can use
Take my hand while we do what lovers do**

Tears roll down Lena’s face as she presses her forehead to Kara’s; too terrified to do the same with her lips.

**It matters how this ends,
‘Cause what if I never love again?**

Kara crashes her lips to Lena’s and Lena realises that Kara is also crying.

Lena had done so many horrific things on the instructions of her mother to prove her loyalty; she had murdered aliens and hates herself. The regret and disgust of everything she had done weighs constantly on Lena and the disappointment reflected in Kara’s eyes was nearly enough to break her.

**I don’t need your honesty,
It’s already in your eyes
And I’m sure my eyes they speak for me**

Kara was the only person who truely knew Lena, which is why she joined Cadmus; to keep Kara safe. She knows what she has to do at the final battle and wants to spend what is highly likely to be her final night in Kara’s arms.

**No one knows me like you do
And since your the only one that mattered,
Tell me who do I run to?**

Kara takes Lena by the hand and leads her to the bedroom. They make love for hours, savouring each touch, each moan, mapping out each others body, committing it to memory. They both sense the finality of what is to come.

**Let this be a lesson in love
Let this be the way we remember us**

The following morning, Kara wakes to an empty bed; Lena left, knowing that if Kara woke she would never leave- she would be incapable of saying goodbye. All Kara see’s is a note left on the pillow where Lena should be- ‘I’m sorry.’

**I dont wanna be cruel or vicious
And I ain’t asking for forgiveness**

The DEO prepare to take down Cadmus and arrive at the address the intel provided and find it empty apart from a single table. Kara walks up to it, her cape billowing behind her and sees another note in the same flowing script that makes her feel like she has been punched in the stomach- 'Love always, L x’

Winns voice comes over the comms telling her what she already knows; Lena sent the anonymous intel and it was purposefully incorrect.

Kara feels like she’s going to vomit and yells that Winn needs to find out where she is. He says he has an idea; an explosive has just been set off on the otherside of the city.

Kara races to the coordinates and finds the burning building about to collapse. Alex screams at her not to go in, but Kara ignores her and goes in search of Lena.

She finds Lena badly injured, the detonation device still in her hand, the body of her mother not far from her. Kara cradles Lena in her arms. Relief floods Lena’s eyes; relief that she doesn’t have to die alone.

**All I ask is if
This is my last night with you,
Hold me like I’m more than just a friend**

The building is collapsing around them, but Kara refuses to leave Lena in her last moments. She intwines their fingers and whispers sweet nothings in Lena’s ear as her breathing becomes more laboured.

**Give me a memory I can use
Take me hand while we do what lovers do**

'I became my own hero’ Lena chokes out. Kara presses her lips to Lena’s one final time before a howl of anguish tears from her throat.

She carries Lena’s body from the building and collapses into the arms of her sister, sobbing.

**It matters how this ends,
'Cause what if I never love again?**

@supercorpppp I was going to send this to your ask box, but it got a little long and I needed someone else to cry with me! This is what happens about six hours into a ten hour flight.

THREE TYPES OF LOVE:

I.
there is the girl that
has to sow love poems in
to the bones of her palm
because she can’t
bare to look at them
with rawness.

she has bags under
the rims of her eyes
and coffee in her
blank stare. she’s
the one who destroys
her pride for a boy who
only makes her rot.
an empty vessel
waiting to be filled.

II.
she’s the one who
drenched
herself in pride
the lovely one with a
beautiful body
and skin smooth
as licorice
and lips the color
of glazed golden.

boys will try to
force their hands
where caution tape lays
in hopes of taking her home
because her sense
of solitude is becoming
a drunk in the night.

III.
then there will be her
the girl who travels
with mystery in her eyes.
she awakens a sense
of hope inside
broken ribs.

let her change.
transform.
let her tell the universe
inside that she is the stars
blessed queen. she is
the moonlight that walks
the earth. she is the utter
glow of all the lights in the world
lighting up in your chest.
it aches for her. just as much
as she aches for it.

—  Excerpt #224, the broken, the lustful, and the pure

I work with (mostly) seniors. Friday, everything was winding down and my boss had just left for a personal emergency and we were only open for another ten minutes, so she figured we had things under control. I had worked upstairs for the day and I came downstairs to hear a bunch of yelling and a woman screaming at my boss (who had run back inside when she saw the woman storm in), my elderly coworker, and some of the seniors. I ran into the office to drop the stuff I had and hid behind a wall, so I’d be able to block her if she tried to go after my coworker. Luckily, she left and I ran to the back door to lock it, while my boss locked the front door. Apparently, the woman and her boyfriend had tried to con money out of some of the seniors for meth and when that didn’t work, they started screaming terrible things at everyone. My boss and I walked everyone to their cars and stayed until everyone was safe and on their way.

As if that wasn’t scary enough, one of our members, who has harassed several of our members and myself, was recently arrested for punching a police officer who intercepted him trying to stab someone the other night. He’s no longer allowed in or near the building and if he comes back, we are to report it to the authorities.

I thought it was silly to keep a knife at the front desk during office hours, but now I’m grateful to have it.

💐💖SHE💖💐

She
May be the face I can’t forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one’s allowed to see them when they cry
She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I’ll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I’m alive
The one I’ll care for through the rough in ready years
Me
I’ll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I’ve got to be
The meaning of my life is

She
She, oh she

LMM has broken me.

I can’t even sing more than halfway through any of the songs on the Moana soundtrack without getting choked up. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem but when my five year old has requested it as her bedtime song it gets a little awkward.

“Mommy, why are you crying?”

“Because the call! The call is inside! She knows who she is!” *ugly sobbing*

10

Suspicious Liz, 1, 2.

Here’s to the girl who cares too much, who laughs too much, who smiles a lot, who treats you better than anyone. Here’s to the girl who can’t sleep at night because of over thinking somethings, who sometimes cry herself to sleep, who talks to herself more than with other people, who stays and will always stay no matter how hard things might be, who listens to music just to escape all the pain she have inside. Here’s to the girl who loves to day dream, who makes you giggle with her little crack up humor, who talks to her sleep, who looks messy, who gets jealous so easily, who gets really sensitive, who values about life too much, who loves too much, who kisses you randomly at any moment. And here’s to the girl who doesn’t know how beautiful she is every morning until midnight without even trying to and without her knowing it. Here’s to you beautiful human being, you matter, you are okay, you are fine, you are amazing, you are perfectly imperfect, you are one of the best art, you exist and somebody out here or there that loves every little piece of you. You should know that you deserve the whole damn universe and your smile lights up the world. Keep slaying ๐ŸŒน๐Ÿ’•