who let me have a camera anyway

Just a Chat

(Based on an anonymous ask that I got a couple days ago. Enjoy, cutie pies!)

“And then the entire building burned down. No, I’m not kidding!” Mark leans back and watches the astonished look on their faces at the story of Yandere setting fire to Ego Inc. with a certain amount of satisfaction.

“Anti tried to murder me again,” Sean says with a slight pout. “I got so sick, and apparently they haven’t heard from Jack since.” Sean takes a sip of his drink. “It sucks.”

“At least yours didn’t create an entire franchise around himself and then proceed to relentlessly torment you with it.” Mat knocks back a cup of coffee before slamming down the empty cup on the counter.

“Dude,” Nate scoots away an inch, “how long has it been since you’ve been outside?”

Mat hangs his head. “Too long.”

Mark snorts. “Please, you’ve only got one to deal with. Try a dozen at least, and who knows how many more are out there that I created entirely by accident.”

“Yeah, your fans are pretty crazy,” Nate says, making a face.

Sean wiggles his eyebrows. “So, did I tell you about the latest idea for an Anti video I have?”

“Didn’t you just get done lighting your fandom on fire?” Mat recalls the many theories he analyzed on Tumblr, some of them quite good.

Sean just nods. “So, anyway…”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Mark holds up his hands. “You’re telling me that you actually let Anti have his way? You just let him terrorize you on camera? That’s cool with you?”

Sean shrugs. “It’s better than having him trying to off me and take over my channel.” He raises an eyebrow at Mark who squints back but keeps his mouth shut. “And it makes the fans go nuts. They love it…” Sean’s face screws up a little, “I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that, but it makes them happy.”

“Yeah, I’ve found that just going along with it is best.” Nate brushes his hair out of his eyes and stares down at the table. “Mare just wants to be part of the music videos, a crazy look here or there just to keep the fans on their toes, nothing big. He’s pretty content to stay in the shadows.”

Mat shakes his head. “Mad is so high maintenance, though. He’s always having these really shady packages dropped off at my house, and I never know what he’s going to make next in that lab of his.” The theorist shudders and makes a face. “I swear if he tries to test out another animatronic prototype in the house, I’m going to become a hermit and hitchhike my way across the country.”

Mark leans his head back, looking up at the ceiling. “I didn’t sign up to have to babysit a dozen other versions of myself. Honestly.”

Sean kicks him under the table. “It’s your fault for making nothing but chaotic, egotistical maniacs for characters. At least only one of mine is avidly evil.”

Nate tilts his head to the side. “Didn’t Chase commit mass murder?”

Sean shrugs. “Sure, but the fans like to ignore that little detail.”

They all collectively shake their heads before Nate taps the table a few times with his fist. “So how do you guys feel about being in a music video with me?”

Mat jumps up. “Nope.”

“Aw, come on, man!”

Jeff Atkins Imagine (request2)

ahhhgggg, this was extremely difficult to write but I hope it’s good!

AU where Jeff didn’t die in the crash and Clay stayed with Hannah

WARNING: i’m pretty sure all of my imagines are going to mention weed in them


“He doesn’t remember your relationship with him.” 

Those words were like an atomic bomb to you. In all of your years of life, it never crossed your mind that something this tragic would happen to you. No one expects it, you guessed. No one knew that your boyfriend of six months would get in a car crash and lose all of his memories of your relationship. Sometimes you blamed yourself. Why did you let him go on that beer run? Why didn’t you keep him at the party? Why did you let him leave drunk?

It could have been worse, you concluded. Jeff could have died, but it felt as if he did. And at first you had been in denial. You pushed passed persisting nurses and held is hand as he slept, but when he would wake up he would always just smile and say “Hi Y/N? Did you make cheerleader?”

So you stopped seeing him, because the first thing you told him on the first day of school was that you hoped that you would make cheerleader. That’s where his memory ended. He didn’t remember that the years of friendship had slowly begun to knit into something more, he didn’t know the intricate stitches of your shared secrets and nights on the roof of his car. But you could never forget because you loved him too much. Maybe that love is what sparked the hope in you, the hope that maybe in some way you could make him remember. 

It had been two weeks after the accident, fourteen days of crying yourself to sleep and finding comfort in the bottom of red solo cups and rolled joints of cannabis. A Monday to be precise, when Jeff returned to school. You were dressed your best and had your makeup done after hours of being in front of a mirror, as if you were barely meeting him for the first time. When he walked in people crowded around his figure, giving him pats on the back and passing their condolences for his lost memory.

“No, it’s cool guys! Obviously nothing worth remembering happened during that time.” He replied with a laugh, oblivious with his giant forehead scar.

People turned in your direction, where you stood at the edge of the crowd, trying your best to hold back tears. Part of you was traumatized because you were thinking of what would have happened if you had truly lost Jeff in the accident, but you couldn’t even gain comfort from him because he didn’t remember that just those months ago you had shared your first kiss together.

People dissipated like ants, scattering away while staring at you. You knew some of them were scared to make you cry, because it had happened in the last week while you were at a basketball game. The others simply didn’t care so they stayed. The majority of them were the jocks like Monty, Zach, Justin, and Bryce. 

“That’s got to burn,” Monty made a face while walking over to you. He placed his arm around you while you stared at Jeff laugh with his friends. “You know, Y/N, I’m all free, and since our little Jeffrey over there doesn’t remember a thing about your ‘relationship’ with him, it would be better if you just acted like it never even happened. You can’t get him to fall in love with again.”

You made a noise of irritation and sadness before turning around under 
Monty’s arm and pushing his chest. “Shut the fuck up, Montgomery! Fucking fascist asshole!” 

You took his arm from your shoulders and turned on your heel, storming to the red room, where you knew you would calm down. Pictures were a great hobby of yours, and it mean usually that you had to spend time with Tyler the school ‘creep’ but you didn’t mind very much. 

“Bro, what’s her problem?” Bryce asked as you stormed way, Monty shrugging his shoulders like it didn’t hurt his feelings. 

“She’s probably still pissed off because I didn’t go all the way with her Saturday at your get together. She was stoned as fuck.” The guys all laughed except for Jeff as they started to head in the other direction, talking about that night. 

It was partially true, you had made out with Monty at Bryce’s party two days ago, but you had been desperate, stoned, and drunk and in desperate need of some relief. You were stressed out and depressed, what else were you supposed to do? Find help? Shrinks were a joke in this town, you would be laughed at. He was twisting the whole story, you were the one who would not mess with him, though. 

“You coming, Atkins?” Justin asked when they were a little ways away, his eyebrows raised. All the guys looked to see that Jeff was shaking his head and scratching his head. 

“I feel like I should go after her. I mean we are really close, right?” Jeff asked them, adjusting his backpack.

“Very close,” Justin smirked. 

“What?” Jeff asked, knowing that he was missing something. 

Zach reached over and smacked Justin, a look of pity coming over his handsome face. “It’s not about if you should or not, it’s if you want to go after her, man. It’s only if you want to see if she’s okay.” 

Jeff stood there for a second as Zach watched expectantly, his fingers crossed. The other jocks rolled their eyes and took off. Jeff turned back to Zach and pointed to the way you had ran off to. 

“I want to go after her, I don’t know why.” He said with his eyebrows furrowed. 

Zach grinned and pointed to the hall as well. “You don’t need a reason. Just go.” 

You placed the picture you had just developed on the clothespin line and hung it, a picture of you and Jeff at the beach, the both of you wrapped in each other while making panicked faces and pointing at a crab. It made you smile but you heart ache, and Tyler, who was standing next to you sighed and placed a hand on your shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” He breathed he looked down at his camera and ran his hand behind his neck. 

“Stop apologizing!” You snapped, wiping a tear from under your eye. “I’m so tired of it. I know it’s tragic and I know it’s sad and pitiful, but don’t pity me. It’s all my fault anyways. If I would not have let Jeff leave that party for that stupid beer run he would still remember us. The things we shared with each other, the kisses, the love. He would remember that he loves– loved me and he would be in here right now making out with me and telling me I’m beautiful. But instead this happened. HE DOESN’T REMEMBER, Tyler! He just thinks we’re friends, and he just thinks that even his name means nothing to me. But Jeff Atkins means everything to me.” 

Tyler put his camera down, wrapping his arms around your shoulders. You hugged him back, ignoring the small line of yellow light on the floor as you squeezed your eyes shut and cried into Tyler’s shoulder. 

“Monty was right, I can’t make him fall in love with me again.” You sighed when you were calm, simply resting your head on Tyler’s shoulder. He had been patting your back but at your words he shot back and grabbed your shoulders. 

“Y/N, are you kidding me? You and Jeff were relationship goals. I loved taking pictures of y’all and if I know one thing in this world is that you never truly forget a love like that.” 

You looked into Tyler’s eyes to see that he was excited. You slowly began to get a feeling in the pit of your stomach. Maybe you could help him remember…or if that was impossible, maybe you could make him fall in love with you again. 

“How do we do that, Tyler?” You asked, a smile growing on your lips. 

“Easy! First, we make a plan. Do you remember the things that led your relationship to grow into more than friendship?” He asked, running around the room for a pen. 

You sighed and looked back at the picture, your mind spinning into a fine silk of memories. “Every second with detail.” 



The plan wasn’t easy, but one step at a time you seemed to get closer to Jeff, slowly feel a lot better about him falling back in love with you.

Step 1: Pull an all nighter with Jeff at the neighbors pool without getting caught (x) This is where you and Jeff first shared your deepest thoughts and even though you already knew what he had to say you still listened with your utmost interest and attention.

Step 2: Convince Jeff to let you do his makeup (x) this is where Jeff started to notice your beauty, or so he told you, when you were makeup less and your eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as you ‘carved out’ his eyebrows. This time Jeff was a little more compliant, pointing out colored eye shadows he wanted you to use and getting closer when you were contouring his nose (not that he needed it). 

Step 3: Have a Star Wars movie marathon (x) this is where you started to show Jeff the nerdy side in you, and you figured out he had one of his own. This is where you two first cuddled, and where you finally realized you didn’t want to spend those long hours with anyone else. This time Jeff was quiet and didn’t ask much questions about what was going on, but you did catch him staring at you a few times. Eventually you both fell asleep on each other during the last scene of the empire strikes back, which was a shorter time span than you had thought you would last. 

Step 4: Go on a mini adventure to all of the museums he loved (because, once again, that hidden nerdy side); this is where Jeff realized that you were really funny, as you kept cracking history jokes and just jokes in general. This time he told you jokes and you had a joke war, eventually getting lunch together and sharing a milkshake (cheesy, but Jeff had suggested it). (x)

Step 5: Party hard, smoke a joint together, and share your first kiss. (o) That’s where you both told each other how you felt, where you had engaged in a drunken make out session with Montgomery and he had gotten extremely jealous and nearly beat his ass for it. When you were sober he had taken you to the porch and watched you sip a cup of water before spilling his feelings out. This was the one step you were going to have the most trouble reenacting. 

Good thing in this town, there was never a weekend that someone was not throwing a party. This time it was Zach Dempsey, because his family was out of town for a family reunion and he had faked sick, so he had his whole giant house to himself. The thing was that you were extremely nervous, and the only person that had been of help lately was Tyler, who had wholeheartedly given his all trying to help you with the plan was not invited to this party. 

You were currently at your house while he sat on the floor sifting through photos of you and Jeff. “Who took these? They’re amazing.” 

“My cousin, Angela. I think you would like her. She’s a fanatic for photography.” You giggled, putting a blouse across your body. You shook your head and threw it into a rising pile. “Ugh, I have absolutely nothing to wear.” 

Tyler stopped looking at the photos and got up, shaking his jacket. “What do you mean? You have a million clothes…” You made a face at him. “Why don’t you just wear what you wore during step five the first time?” 

You turned back to the closet and pushed the remaining clothes aside, spotting the striped t-shirt dress immediately. You reached over and pulled it out, letting the smooth material run through your fingers, memories flashing. There was the click of a flash and you turned slightly, to see that Tyler was looking at his camera. He walked over and showed you the screen. 

“Look how much emotion is running through your eyes… you’re ready for this.” He said, patting your back as you looked down at the picture. 

“I am.” 


You flattened the dress on your body when you got out of your car, your hands slightly damp with sweat.  You had paired the dress with a pair of flats, but this time you curled your hair and put it in two buns.Your makeup was done unlike that night and you were more nervous, that was for sure. 

You finally pushed yourself to walk to Zach’s house; the music was already playing, vibrating your teeth and the smell of sweat and weed was so strong you needed to stop and take a breath. Of course it was a party after all. You made it to the front door after what felt like ages, and you took a deep breath. 

“YN!” Someone yelled behind you, and you groaned. It was Clay Jensen and he was walking to the house as well with Hannah Baker. 

You had been avoiding Clay like the plague, because he was a good friend of yours, but ever since that party where you and Jeff convinced him to stay with Hannah you couldn’t face him. You knew he was all about pity. 

“Can’t talk, Jensen!” You yelled, running into the house and immediately going towards where you knew Jeff and the others were. 

Jeff was always a careful person at parties, never letting himself go and usually occupying himself with things other than the drugs and sex. You knew he was in Zach’s game room, and where Jeff was, his followers were as well. No one liked to admit it, but Jeff was the best and most liked of the whole group of jocks and he wasn’t really like them but he hung out with them anyways because Jeff never judged. 

“HEYY!” You yelled once you entered the game room, seeing that all of the guys and a few girls were crowded around the pool table. Everyone turned. “The life of the party is here.” 

The guys clapped, whooping when you did a turn in the air, bringing out your special bag of weed from your bag. They got louder when they saw it. You laughed and walked over to the table, taking off your purse and setting it aside while you looked them over. 

“Y/N, we were wondering if you were ever going to come.” Justin spoke, his hand not so discreetly laying on Jessica’s ass. 

You rolled your eyes. “Foley I’m a cheerleader, I’m literally nearly obliged to come.” 

You walked over and stood next to Jeff, who was smiling slightly as he looked you over. 

“Now that is not true.” Zach started, placing his arm around your shoulder. “You’re a party animal.” 

“You’re so right” You grinned, shaking the bag of cannabis. Zach gave you a high five and took it from your hands. 

“Who is ready to smoke a good one and get high?” Zach yelled out, raising his hands above his head. You cheered with the others and they all went to the couches at the far right of the room, talking loudly. 

Jeff stayed behind as you went to your purse and grabbed your cell phone. “Y/N?” He asked softly. 

You turned to him and a piece of hair fell into your eyes, while you dug through your purse for a lighter now. He got closer and your breath sped up while your heartbeat increased, but on the outside you stayed casual. He reached a hand forward and removed the hair from your eyesight. “You look beautiful tonight.” 

You could feel your heart swelling in your chest, like it was the first time he said it all over again, a smile creeping onto your face. You stood up straight, getting closer and patting his chest while leaning your head up. “Thank you, Jeff. You don’t look too bad yourself.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes as you pulled your head back. “You gonna have a little fun with us tonight?” You asked him, looking over at his cup and seeing only carbonated soda. 

Jeff sighed and shook his head. “I swore off everything when I got home from the hospital. I can’t let my senses become dull anymore, I can’t risk everything for a little high. My mom and dad were scared to death for me to come tonight. They shouldn’t be. So I’m not doing anything, Y/N. I’ll just watch and make sure you don’t do anything too stupid.” 

He chuckled slightly and then touched his arm, squeezing it reassuringly. “That’s good, Jeff. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you again.” 

You had said it without thinking and your eyes widened. He made a face of question but you quickly turned on your heel and sped to the group, squeezing yourself between Zach and Monty. Zach had already rolled one joint and yanked the lighter out of your hand, taking a big hit as he sparked the end of it. You took it from Zach and tried to one up him, smoke coming out of your nostrils as you did. The girls cheered and booed Zach for being beat by a girl. You handed it to Monty and he took it with a wink your way. You rolled your eyes and leaned your head back. The smoke drifted from between your lips and your nose, the feeling of it sending you to bliss. You looked up to see that Jeff was staring at you distantly, sipping his coke. You looked away quickly and distracted yourself with the others, suddenly forgetting about the plan.

When the joint was shriveling and Justin was rolling a second you had forgotten Jeff was there at all, and your legs was in Monty’s lap as he rubbed your thighs and you two laughed like nothing bad was happening. Like the rising anger that Jeff was trying to hold back. Because the plan had done it. When the others started on the second you grabbed the butt end of the old one and sucked in whatever was left, coughing and then grabbing Monty by the shoulders, bringing your mouth to his and blowing the smoke into his open mouth. He sucked it in them let it out, licking his lips and then catching your lips with his. 

“OK, that’s enough!” You heard someone say loudly, but you kept on, kissing Monty’s mouth with force. 

Then two arms were under your arms and you were being pulled away, both you and Monty protesting. You looked back and saw that it was Jeff, and the plan came to your mind again and you smiled lazily. He shook his head at you and then glared down at Monty. 

“Don’t touch her again. Or I’ll kick your teeth in.” 

The words echoed in your head and you bit your lip. He was being much more aggressive than what you expected. Especially with his words. Monty stood up like he was going to fight Jeff, a hurt look on his face but Zach placed an arm across his shoulders, pushing him back.

Jeff lifted you so you were standing straight and wrapped his hands around you elbow, dragging you through the house and to the front door. You two passed many people who looked like they wanted to ask questions, like Clay and Hannah but Jeff did not slow down in his angry march. 

“Jeff, what’s up?” You asked with a slight squeak to your voice. 

Jeff let you go when you two were on the foot of Zach’s porch, sitting down and then patting the spot next to you. You sat down as your heart beat faster with each second. This was starting to seem familiar, even with the clouds that were surrounding your mind. 

“I mean, listen, I have no control over what you do but I really don’t like seeing you getting stoned.” Jeff said, looking away from you. 

“Just getting stoned?” You asked while your hope started to deflate like a balloon.

“Not you just getting stoned.” He sighed, turning to face you formally. “I don’t like seeing you with Monty.” 

You scooted closer without thinking and placed your hand on his shoulder, tears coming to your eyes involuntarily. “Why, Jeff?” 

He pulled you closer and placed his forehead on yours, breathing you in. “Because I remember that I love you.”

Tears spilled out of your eyes and you pulled him into a long awaited kiss, your arms wrapping around his neck and his around your waist. The plan had worked and you had Jeff back, just like you wanted. 

 This took forevverr and it had such a shitty ending but thank you anon for the request! I hope you like it. (NOT EDITED)

I went to see B.A.P and was front row!

And that shit was lit!

Bang is my bias but he like avoided eye contact with me (mostly) until hitouch and photo op I’m gonna make a video about it bcuz literally I died.

But anyway during the concert Zelo gave MAD fan service to me and stared so hard. Zelo gave me the most attention and DAE stared so hard I think my friend got in on video I waved at him and he waved back and gave me a heart.

I got some of it on video:

The girls next to me were freaking out cuz Zelo kept giving me hearts, he literally did it right to me.

Here’s Zelo shooting me hearts a few times lol :

 And again!:

I literally died and he smiled so hard 😭😍ugh I was like you’re not even my bias but damnnnnnn. Also in the beginning of the video when he’s drinking water he’s totally laughing at me cuz I was telling him to take off his jacket 😂 🔥.Anyway so I’m salty af cuz I got nothing from bang until the hitouch.

But let me talk about photo op first, this is where I nearly went to be with the lord Okay anyways Yongguk legit like would avoid eye contact with me during the concert, Except for that one last minute moment  when he came to our section waving at the fans, he looked in my camera!:

And Daehyun was also looking:

Me and my friend got separated cuz I had hitouch and photo but I was with another black girl Devon who I made friends with SHE LITERALLY SAW EVERYTHING so I have a witness. lol hitouch was like so quick u blink it was over and I saw they were literally only hi fiving people so I was bummed.

Zelo was first I don’t even remember what happened, but bang was next and instead of hi fiving, girl he held my hand legit for like 5 seconds and I told him he was my type and he smiled so BIG and my friend next to me said he was so busy still staring at me while I walked away her time got cut short! 😂😂😂 the only other person I remember was dae I told him he was cute and he thanked me and held my hand. I was still with my black girlfriend Devon and luckily when they numbered us off we were 1 and 2. So Idk if you’ve seen the pics powerhouse has posted but the girls were legit standing in FRONT of the boys leaving space for Jesus… I did not. I bee lined right to bang I didn’t even look at anyone us so it was blatantly obvious I was there for him I got right on him like my body was on his leg and then I was like fuck I’m covering him so I turned around and asked him if I was too tall He looked at me and said no you’re fine then moved NEXT to me so we were side by side and put HIS ARM AROUND ME. I honestly think I mentally blacked out. Lol anyway they were taking forever to take our pic(luckily) so I look at him and go you are so cute and he smiles his gummy smile and thanks me and says you too or so are you tbh I ain’t gonna lie I don’t remember cuz I was BLACKED out. When we were done I held his hand and my friend said he stared after me as I walked away. So to conclude Bang Yongguk is my future husband he just don’t know yet 😂😂😂😂

They took 3 pictures of my group and they freaking put the picture up where u CANT SEE BANGS HAND AROUND ME! I’m gonna sue lol But here’s the group photo:


We don’t like each other tag || Danisnotonfire

A/N: So this is an idea I had some time ago. I decided to write it and upload it today. I think it’s the longest imagine I have ever written. I hope you don’t mind.

Word count: 1,8 K

Summery: Dan and Y/N are both youtubers who meet again for a very special video. Love/Hate 

“Hey lovelies” I smiled and waved towards the camera that I had set up in front of my bed. It was my usual filming location but something was different today. I still wasn’t sure if my idea was a terrible or an incredibly good one.

“Today I have a little different video for you.” I excitedly exclaimed although my stomach was twisting and turning. I was so nervous I thought I’d throw up right onto the lens of my Canon.

“I have a special guest here. It’s someone who you would have never expected to see on this channel. Believe me, I’m kinda shocked, too. Anyways please welcome Dan Howell aka danisnotonfire” I announced to my viewers.

Dan suddenly jumped into the picture frame, smiling towards the camera.

“Hello Internet.” he said, trying hard not to cringe.

Stupid nostalgic signature phrase. Dan sat down on the bed next to me, careful to not let our bodies touch while doing so. I took a quick glance at him. He was wearing a jumper with zippers on his shoulders. What a dump invention. It seemed like he got even taller since the last time I had seen him, but that was impossible. Freaking giant.

“So the reason for our surprising collaboration is that I came up with a new Youtube video idea.

It’s called the ‘We don’t like each other tag'”

Dan couldn’t hide a slight smile as I said that.

“Great idea.” Dan sarcastically whispered under his breath, knowing well enough that I could hear him. Loud and clear. Asshole.

I shot him a warning look before I continued talking to the camera.

“What you don’t know is that me and Dan have known each other for a really long time. We actually went to the same kindergarten, primary school and high school.” I told my viewers.

Dan nodded. “Yeah, we have sadly known each other for that long.”

I snorted through my nose, enraged. He just sat there and cockily grinned.

“Right. So during all those years Dan got taller and even more arrogant but one thing didn’t change.

We never liked each other.” I explained.

Although that wasn’t entirely true. There was a time when we could stand each other quite well. That moment lasted for 10 seconds.

“Didn’t like is such an understatement. We hated each other.” Dan added, like the know-it-all he has always been.

For the split of a second I felt hurt sting in my chest, like a mean bee had made it’s way to my heart.

I shook it off and reminded myself that I had hated him too. I still do.

“So I have prepared a few question that we are going to ask each other. I thought they’d be fun or hard to do. It’s basically like the ‘Best friend tag’ just played with your biggest enemy.”

I had written questions on slips of paper and put them all into bowl. I gulped hard as I took the first slip out.

“What’s your favourite physical feature about each other ?” I read out loud.

Why I’m a doing this ?! That’s such a stupid question. Why did I write that down. Oh yeah, because I wanted to know his answer to it.

I eyed him up and down as if I had to search for something decent looking about him. I had spent my whole childhood with him. His chocolate brown eyes, his fluffy hair, or his damn dimples, yes I was well acquainted with those features.

“I guess your face is alright.” I answered nonchalantly, although I was actually sitting on needles. My hands were sweaty and my heart racing. Alright was such an understatement.

“Thanks.” Dan smirked and started to check me out.

I felt his streaking eyes travel over my body. His gaze made me feel vulnerable and insure, just like the shy me back in high school. Dan’s eyes landed on my chest. Although I wasn’t showing a lot of cleavage his eyes were glued to my breasts.

He cheekily grinned.

“I guess my favourite physical feature of yours have to be your boobs.” he told me completely unashamed.

Dan took a last glance at my chest before he said. “Boobs, yeah definitely.”

I rolled my eyes, totally infuriated.

Now it was his turn to reach into the bowl and pick a question.

“We don’t you like each other ?” He read out loud,with his posh British accent that reminded me of our home town.

Well that sounded like a question that could simply be answered, right ? Wrong.

I breathed in deeply.

“Your oh so sweet danisnotonfire ripped all my doll’s heads off in kindergarten.”

I stated jokingly, knowing that it wasn’t a legit argument.

Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the memory. His laugh sounded through my Londoner apartment, it hadn’t changed a single bit.

“Your revenge was to push me into some bushes on the way home, remember?” Dan asked still laughing and I couldn’t help but join in. But things got way too serious way too soon again.

“In primary school Dan told everyone I had a contagious disease and nobody talked to me for a week.” I hissed, remembering all the pointing fingers and disgusted faces my friends made. He has always been mean and I never knew why.

“Wow, I was a genius even back then.” Dan said with a smirk. “Let’s not forget that you poured water onto my lap and told everyone I had wet myself a week after.” His voice sounded hurt. I bet his week wasn’t really amusing either, having everyone thing he still wets his pants.

Well, looks like I wasn’t the nicest little girl either. My actions where always based on revenge though. Never had I ever started one of our fights. I just made sure that Dan wouldn’t run over me completely. Compared to high school those years where the easy ones. Our biggest rivalry hadn’t even started yet.

As soon as we touched the topic we started shouting all of the things we did to each other in high school into each others faces. That list was long and I still hadn’t forgiven him for some of his actions.

We were both in wild rage. If we were not in our twenties I bet we would have already picked a physical fight.

“You embarrassed me in front of my crush.” I shouted, my cheeks flustered.

“He never talked to me again.”

“Oh really ? Because I heard you blew him in the bathroom stall two days later.” Dan spat into my face.

My eyes widened in shock. Sudden disgust filled my veins. Blood was rushing to my cheeks. I evilly glared at Dan who was sitting opposite me now.

“How dare you accuse me of that, you stupid prick. Who the fuck even told you that ?” I hissed,my eyes were formed to slits by now.

“You didn’t ?!” Dan suddenly asked completely surprised and dumbfounded.

I shook my head in disbelief.

“Of course not. You were the one who always told me that I’m a lame prude !” I shouted on top of my lungs. Anger was pulsing through my veins. I should have really named it 'The we hate each other tag’  Yes, I did hate Dan Howell, everybody’s favourite Youtuber.

Dan had grown silent, although I wasn’t done yet. I was way to mad to notice that the camera was still recording. I didn’t notice that the way he looked at me had changed either.

“Do you actually know what hurt me most ? Do you even realize why I actually hated you in high school, Daniel Howell ? It fucking hurt when you kissed me behind the bike shed but invited my best friend to prom.” I wasn’t even screaming anymore. My voice was low and reproachful. Tears were welling in my eyes. I couldn’t believe that I actually, after all those years, opened up and told him.

“It was such a dick move of yours and it hurt so bad.” I whispered tears streaming down my face.

Dan stared at me like a lightning had hit him. His mouth was slightly opened, as if he was searching for the right words to say.

“Wait, you liked me ?!” Dan asked plain panic written all over his face.

“You idiot ! Of course I did, why else would I push you into the freaking bushes?!” I shouted between sobs.

“That doesn’t make sense at all !” He exclaimed, his eyes worriedly flickering to the salty tears that rolled down my cheeks.

“Wait again, so when I kissed you behind the bike shed you actually.. like wanted me to ?” he asked confused. As my hot tears had reached my chin I wiped them away with the back of my hand.

“I had waited for you to kiss me since I knew what kissing was. What for god’s sake made you think I didn’t ?” I confessed for the first time in my life. Damn, yes. I wanted him to kiss me so bad.

Dan started shaking his head. He ran his huge hands through his fluffy brown hair.

“No, no, no. You can’t be telling me that you liked me ?! I still remember when I finally found all the courage to kiss you that day. You had to stand on your tiptoes to reach my face and it was our first kiss ever. I was shaking so hard that I nearly missed your mouth. Afterwards I was so scared. I thought you hated me for kissing you ! I’m sorry, I should have never asked your friend out. I just thought you were way out of my league.”

Dan was totally devastated when he realized what he had done and what future he had destroyed. He buried his head into his hands, whispering “I am such an ass.” again and again.

“Daniel, I would very much enjoy kissing you.” I heard myself say. Seconds later Dan’s head shot up and he looked at me with wide eyes. I shot him an assuring smile before he carefully cupped my cheeks with his large palms. My eyes shot close and then finally he crashed his lips onto mine and set fireworks off in my body. They exploded in my chest and the pit of my stomach, sending a tingly feeling through my inside. I had seen and felt that overwhelming firework before. About 8 years ago, when we kissed for the first time behind the bike shed. Since then I have waited for that sensation to return. It finally did.


requested : Coachella with harry

Y/N POV : It’s our first Coachella together and we’ve just arrived and went through the security checkpoints i look over at harry you know just admiring the view a little bit.. how lucky am I… oops harry looks over at me and gives me a breathtaking smile are you okay there love? of course i am , thank you for the amazing surprise baby. i whisper as i give him a kiss Eleanor turns around and winks at me lol double dates with Eleanor and Louis were always the best but the guys really out did themselves this time. I smile at El right before she turns around and looks at Louis as if she’s just won the jackpot. As we head to the bungalow the guys rented out to see if the rest have arrived yet.. harry and Louis invited along Ashton and Calum and one of my best friends Hailey Baldwin i know Harry is feeling kind of nervous because he knows hails might bring Kendall around and he’s been avoiding kendall like the plague i don’t really blame him to be honest who goes on national tv and say the guy you’ve been seeing smells… anyways we pick our room put away our stuff and get ready for COACHELLA DAY 1 BITCHESSSS love are you ready? yeah hold on let me get the vlog camera? okay , i’ll wait for you. ah baby you don’t have to wait for me. I say as i bend over to grab our vlogging camera out of my Gucci travel bag and before you ask yes curtsy of Harry! GOT ITTTTT okay let’s GET THIS PARTY GOING wait i say as harry places his arms around my waist and looks down on me.. the perks of being short lol i get on my tippy toes to give him a sweet kiss… Thank you for being amazing Harry honestly i lo- i get off by harry’s lips on mine OK BREAK IT UP LETS GO IM TRYING TO GET THERE BEFORE DARK! we break apart and laugh typical Louis… ok ok we’re coming CALM DOWN as i make we our way to the front door i put on the camera HIII guyss it’s Y/N and Harry here and welcome back to our channel we just arrived at Coachella weekend 1 ! and we’re gonna show you around we’re here with Louis and Eleanor waiting on the arrival of Calum and Ashton but we’re gonna go see whats going on around here and show you guys around LETS GOO WOOOO i hear everyone chorus in the back of me as i turn off the camera again we make our way to the Coachella grounds Harry is holding my hand tightly as el holds my other hand so we’re all linked and don’t lose each other we take lots of pics and vlog as we all goof off.. Eleanor and I bump into Cal and Ash while taking a selfie in front of the Ferris wheel as we greet each other be and bring them over to Harry and Louis who were buying snacks.. bless them! as we make our way over to the main stage for FUTURE! i pull out the camera and start recording as i turn the camera around harry gives me a sweet kiss as Future brings out drake.. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG CHAMPAGNE PAPI YES DADDY I YELL as harry looks at me amused and shakes his head and kisses my hair. as we rap along the music i get hyped. El and I freak out as the rest of our squad laughs at our fangirl behavior. we leave the village around 3 AM and get back to the our bungalow we settle in bed and cuddle.. Coachella was a success and it was just day 1 wonder what the rest has in store for us

Originally posted by bled


No matter where I am I gotta have a photoshoot 🌲✨

Discovering Mabini Stripped Off the Wheelchair

Forgive me for not spewing history in my blog for weeks now, since a lot has been going on in my quiet life. Tomorrow is the celebration of the 150th birth anniversary of Apolinario Mabini, and as such, for the people who sent me questions via tumblr fan mail, please please be patient with me as I will put the questions on hold for a few more days, for my posts about Mabini. Rest assured I will answer them one by one.

Last Saturday, I went to the Ayala Museum and revisited their diorama of Philippine history. In the June 12, 1898 diorama (photo above), I noticed a man being carried via a hammock. No label was given that it was Apolinario Mabini, but for those of us who know history, we know. And I love how unassuming it was presented, as if Mabini himself do not want the attention to be drawn to himself. He was after all the power behind the Philippines’ first Chief Executive. He was used to being in the background. Mabini’s cabinet was even branded by his enemies as “camera negra” or the Black Cabinet. Who was this man anyway? 

Let me begin by gathering from memory what I knew about Apolinario Mabini from the teachers that taught me in my younger years (which I would surmise, you also may have been taught, within the Philippine education system). The overused “sublime paralytic” or “dakilang lumpo” (lit. translation: great paraplegic) tagline of him only mires the man as recorded in his writings.

I knew he was a paraplegic, brainy, tactful, genius, the power behind President Emilio Aguinaldo, during the first year of the first republic in Asia. That was it. Eventually in my college years, I encountered some leftist-leaning professors that say Mabini was a “balimbing,” in that in the end of all the fighting against U.S. forces in the Philippine-American War, he turned his back on his people by surrendering to the Americans, pledging allegiance to the American flag. He shouldn’t therefore be called a hero. Simple isn’t it? Everything is seen as black and white. Go to the enemy side, and you’re an a traitor.

I wish it were that simple. But then by adhering to that we would be committing a fatal error.

For Mabini breaks all the boxes that we put him in.

He is branded by some unlearned people today as a “balimbing” educated Ilustrado elite. But look into his life and you’d discover that he was nothing of the sort. Educated, yes, but rich? Mabini was so poor that when he graduated earning a law licentiate at the University of Santo Tomas, he refused to attend the graduation because he couldn’t afford a gown (thank God, a client of his sent him a gown that he wore that day). At the resumption of the Philippine Revolution on May 1898, Mabini, fresh from law school, worked in a notary to sustain his everyday needs. Yet out of his humble resources and with the help of friends, seeing that the Philippine Revolution that began on August 1896 was legitimate in its aims but disorganized in its implementation, Mabini self-published his pamphlets advising the people on what steps to take (i.e. Choosing a leader, laying out the aims of the movement), that when Aguinaldo, from his exile in Hong Kong, arrived, on May 19, 1898 all the people rallied to him easily, with 7 provinces declaring their loyalty to the new government, the first independent republic in Asia, that was to be established. One would think of the French Revolution, that out of uncontrolled passions, it descended into anarchy and much bloodshed. But the Philippine Revolution, with all its imperfections and self-inflicted crimes (especially on women, to Mabini’s alarm) never reached those dark depths. Perhaps it was Mabini’s influence that made the new Republic launch and float even if it was short-lived. He stood as a seer when the people needed one. His foresight and view of the times, his advise to President Aguinaldo was nothing short of… amazing. 

Paraplegic? Couldn’t walk due to polio? Yes he had the disability, but that quickly disappears once you read his works. In that full year from June 1898 to May 1899, as Mabini filled the position of the Prime Minister of the Philippine Republic in Malolos, he would write decree after decree for President Aguinaldo, as a man puts one stone on another to build a stable edifice. He didn’t need feet to build. He was a visionary—“artless” as Mabini would charge himself, but what a vision! Ever so suspicious on foreign forces, but with full concern for the welfare of his country, he never established a political dynasty, nor used his position of power for political gain. As Randy David said, he entered the government poor, he was still poor when he left it. He was the guiding hand of legality behind the very existence of the new republic. And when he saw that popular opinion in the Malolos Congress was not in his favor, he willingly stepped down as head of the cabinet, to be replaced by Pedro Paterno, whom we all know eventually sided to the winning side—the American forces.

Mabini was called by the American military as the great “intransigent” among the Filipinos advocating for independence. And truly so, because he remained resolute even after his capture, being sent to Guam in exile despite his illness. He only swore allegiance to the U.S. when Mabini felt that the Filipinos gave up armed resistance and by staying in Guam he was disobeying the vox populi. It was a genius stroke of the Americans not to make a martyr out of Mabini by executing him, for by doing so, they would have unleashed another Philippine Revolution.

He was, to the very end of his days, beside his people, guiding them.  And you don’t need feet to do that.

In the coming days I will be posting a lot of Mabini stuff online, his seemingly stoic loyalty to the rule of law and the spirit behind these laws, his concern for the people, his humility in submitting to the current set up in government that he did not approve but tried to fix by the use of his legal mind. Mabini made many enemies because of his stand, but that can’t be helped. All great men have enemies. But we don’t remember their enemies much, do we?

One of my best loved Mabini quotes is noted below, his advice to people who are in public service:

“I have here the key to our public conduct: show the people the magnitude of our task, point out to them the shortest way and the true aim so that they may not lose their way; then enumerate all the risked they have to surmount in their difficult journey without excluding anything and present these one by one to their real extent, so the people may gather up all their courage and strength and prepare all their resources; and after all these, tell them– “Follow me and kill me if I turn back. If you do not wish to follow, then I will go alone, and I alone will be annihilated for sure, but I will be greater than all of you together and I, alone, will reap the glory of all your past work because I, alone, have preserved to the end. Whereas, if you come with me, the greater part of the glory will be for those who overcame the biggest obstacles. This is not called a promise. It has a more noble name: it is called faith, unyielding and unswerving faith that may have inspired and guided past revolutions, shapes the present and will give life to the future.”

(“The Truth in its Place,” October 15, 1899)

Forbidden Documentary Footage Released
  • [NOTE]: Recording has been partially edited by unknown parties.
  • Recording begins. Title is shown, "Retail Hell".
  • [NOTE]: "Retail Hell" is an episodic series of documentaries with traceable origins described as "punks dissecting wageslavery." At least five episodes were released alongside an independently published magazine dedicated to skateboarding culture. Each episode has a different host(s) who attempt to interview workers at retail chains. Hosts often vandalize storefronts and harass workers while filming.
  • Recording begins with Host and Co-Host standing beside each other in a Target parking lot.
  • Host: You already know who the fuck I am.
  • Co-Host: And I'm Helen.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host is wearing a gas mask.
  • Host: Mark's on the camera. All together, we're the Chain Gang. Welcome to Retail Hell.
  • Cameraman: Okay, that was good. The fuck do you mean by, "you already know who I am," though? Also, the what the hell is the "Chain Gang"?
  • Host: Everyone who matters knows me, dude. I-
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host skateboarding. Cameraman can be seen in some shots, but doesn’t join them. Footage from a skate park is edited in. Skateboarding footage lasts three minutes.
  • Recording cuts to footage taken from inside of Target. Host and Co-Host are in store's toy section examining products.
  • Host: Fucking Barbie.
  • Host removes a packaged Barbie brand doll from its shelf.
  • [NOTE]: Barbie doll does not resemble any known versions ever publicly released. Its notable features are its green hair, pink skin, and purple dress.
  • Host: Come here. Look at this. Made in China.
  • Host shows bottom of package to camera. Camera zooms in on "Made in China" label.
  • Host: That's how you know your shit is bad. 100% cruelty. Do you know how the Chinese government treats their own citizens? This is sweatshop garbage, and they just shill this shit out at places like this. It's bad for you too. Probably got fucking lead in it, or something. Radioactive, or something. My mom used to buy me barbies and shit as kid. Like, I fucking hated Barbie I didn't play with them, but I was still, like, exposed. That's why I've got a third arm.
  • Cameraman: You have three arms?
  • Host: It's on my ass. No one's allowed to look at my ass so no one's ever seen it. They're going to have to recall Barbie cuz kids all over the USA start growing ass arms. No, you know what they'd do. They'd normalize it cuz that's how business works. You'll start seeing "Ass-Arm Barbie". Hey kids, it's okay that you've got an arm on your ass. Barbie does too. Hey kids, you're a mutant freak because we spray down our toys with arsenic and all the food you eat is GMOs, but it's cool. Just buy our shit or you'll look like a bigger freak than you already are.
  • Cacophony of recorded voices and songs are heard. Camera turns to Co-Host who has activated a large number of toys. Host laughs.
  • Host: Holy shit! What the fuck are you doing?
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host holding small skateboard.
  • Co-Host: It's a baby board. I was born with one of these. They had to cut an umbilical cord from each piece of hardware. The doctors didn't know what was going on. I did, but only because I'm really smart. I was only about two years old when I was born.
  • Cameraman: The fuck are you even trying to say?
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host preparing to skate down an aisle on the small skateboard.
  • Co-Host: Skate or die!
  • Co-Host skates down the aisle and knocks products off of the shelves along the way. Co-Host barely avoids hitting a customer, but falls off of her skateboard at the end of the aisle.
  • Recording cuts to Host, Co-Host, and Cameraman getting into conflict with a security guard.
  • Security: Stop filming.
  • Security attempts to grab the camera.
  • Cameraman: Don't touch my fucking property, dude.
  • Security: You need to leave now.
  • Host: We're just trying to buy a skateboard, man.
  • Security attempts to grab the camera again.
  • Cameraman: Stay the fuck away, dude.
  • Security: Leave now. We're calling the police.
  • Cameraman: You're a fake fucking cop! Don't touch me!
  • Co-Host: We were all born with no purpose! Live fast! Die Fast!
  • Co-Host rides her skateboard into a display.
  • Host: Holy fucking shit!
  • Recording cuts to Host outside interviewing a Target employee.
  • Host: How do you like your job?
  • Employee: It's a job.
  • Host: Do you get paid well?
  • Employee: Hell no. Why does she have that mask on?
  • Host: Ever wish you could do something else?
  • Employee: What is this for? Is this gonna be on TV or something.
  • Host: It's a student project.
  • Employee: Alright.
  • Host: You know, your security guy is kind of an asshole.
  • Employee: I don't know anything about him. I just work the registers.
  • Host: You know I got an arm on my ass?
  • Employee: What?
  • Recording cuts to young child speaking to Co-Host.
  • Child: Why are you wearing that mask?
  • Co-Host: Because I have to.
  • Child: You don't have to.
  • Co-Host: I do.
  • Child: Can I wear it?
  • Co-Host: No.
  • Child: What happens if you take off the mask?
  • Co-Host: I'm allergic to air, so I'll die.
  • Child: I think you should take it off anyway.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host in line at a fast food restaurant.
  • Cashier: What can I get for you today?
  • Host: I'd like one McKiss please.
  • Cashier: Excuse me? A McKiss?
  • Host: Yes.
  • Cashier: Uhh, that's not something we have on our menu.
  • Host: Seriously? Let me show you.
  • Host embraces Co-Host who removes her mask. Host and Co-Host proceed to kiss passionately. Camera zooms in on cashier who looks confused.
  • Recording cuts to a plain white room. Camera turns to a door opening into a hallway. Co-Host shambles past door. Camera follows behind her. Co-Host walks up to a CRT television at the end of the hallway. CRT television only displays static. Co-Host kneels in front of the television and rubs her hand across the monitor, spreading blood across it.
  • Recording cuts to half an episode of the Flintstones. Any scenes indicating strife, negative emotions, or violence have been censored. Episode lasts ten minutes.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host standing in front of a chained door. Co-Host is carrying a large strapping cutter.
  • Host: This is going to be a first in Retail Hell history. I call it, Retail Hell: Deep Cover. We're gonna sneak inside. We might see some fucked up shit. I don't know. We're definitely gonna break some stuff. Hel, you got this.
  • Co-Host attempts to cut the chains with the strapping cutter.
  • Co-Host: This is impossible.
  • Host: Put all your weight into it.
  • Co-Host: I am.
  • Host: No, like all your weight.
  • Co-Host: I don't weigh that much.
  • Cameraman: I don't think that's the right tool.
  • Host: You're not doing it right. Let me show you.
  • Host now attempts to cut the chains.
  • Host: Fuck, this is harder than it looks.
  • Cameraman: Do you guys even hear me? I'm 90% sure that's not what they use to cut chains.
  • Recording cuts to Cameraman smoking alone in a bedroom. Unknown female enters the shot and the footage ends.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host within the backroom of a retail chain, presumably Target. Host is snapping a bolt cutter in front of the camera.
  • Host: These are the scissors of the gods!
  • Cameraman: Please be careful with those.
  • Host: This is it. This is the belly of the beast. This is the womb of capitalism... maybe not the womb, but this is where all the shit you buy goes before they put it outside on display.
  • Host picks up a box and drops it on the ground. The sound of glass breaking is heard.
  • Host: No fucking clue what was inside of that.
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host climbing backroom shelving.
  • Host: You won't do it.
  • Cameraman: This is a really stupid fucking idea.
  • Co-Host does a backflip off of the shelving and into a stack of boxes. Recording freezes before impact.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host exploring store. Store is partially dark. Camera's flashlight is on.
  • Cameraman: Why does it smell like wires burning in here?
  • Host lights a cigarette and begins to smoke it.
  • Host: Did you get me lighting that? Looked badass as fuck, I bet.
  • Cameraman: There's nothing cool about lighting a cigarette.
  • Host: Whatever. Gonna do, like, a soliloquy. Don't stop recording.
  • Cameraman: I'm not stopping any time soon, Ms. Director.
  • Host: Okay, uhh... this store is like a fortress of exploitation. A monument to fruitless capitalism where underpaid workers are treated like shit by corporate suits and customers alike. It's... uhh... fuck.
  • Cameraman: Can't think of anything deep to say?
  • Host: Chev made it look so easy in his episode. Like, he said some real profound shit and dropped the best skate video I've ever seen at the end.
  • Cameraman: You can talk about having an arm on your ass again. That was the high point of this video so far.
  • Host: Fuck you.
  • Host blows smoke into the camera.
  • Host: Where the hell did Hel go?
  • Cameraman: I don't know.
  • Host: Like, when was the last time we even saw her?
  • Cameraman: Don't remember.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host is seen standing next to Host throughout this entire section of the recording.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host standing in front of a PA speaker that is leaking a clear, viscous fluid. The PA speaker emits sounds that resemble gurgling and coughing.
  • Host: Don't even know what to say about this shit. Sounds like my granddad dying or something. It's leaking. There's like a flood of this gross ass goo on the floor. It's like drool.
  • Cameraman: Touch it.
  • Host: I'm not touching that stuff. I don't touch shit if I think I'll regret it later.
  • Cameraman: You touched Lenny's dick.
  • Host: Fuck you.
  • PA speaker emits a loud screeching sound and wads of liquid shoot from it.
  • Host: The fuck?
  • Cameraman: Jesus Christ!
  • Clumps of a yellow, semi-solid substance begins to drip from the speaker. Co-Host removes her gas mask and plants herself face first against the wall under the speaker. Co-Host allows herself to be covered in the liquid and the yellow substance.
  • Host: This is the weirdest shit I've ever seen. Get up close, man. Look at this stuff.
  • Cameraman moves closer and zooms in on the substance in Co-Host's hair. Substance seems to be crawling and pulsating. Host, and Cameraman don't seem to perceive the presence of Co-Host. Co-Host rubs the yellow substance into her hair.
  • Recording cuts to blank footage. Audio is still available. Host and Cameraman are heard speaking. Sounds of other individuals are present, as well as the sound of fire crackling.
  • Cameraman: And it's completely fucked!
  • Host: So is he still dating her?
  • Cameraman: Yes, of course. Like, he's fucking desperate. He'll date any girl who gives him attention. It doesn't matter if she acts like a fucking werewolf. He's hopeless, and I'm tired of helping him.
  • Host: I feel you, though. Like, dude, even if this wasn't like his 90th time being in some shit I wouldn't help him. Dude blamed that fucked up shit on someone's dog. They're probably gonna put it down. That's fucked. That's an innocent animal. That's someone's family as far as I'm concerned. Fuck him. You gonna tell the cops or something?
  • Cameraman: Nah. I'm hoping his girlfriend just butchers him like she did that to that cat. For real, though. I don't mess with cops or feds.
  • Host: I feel you.
  • [NOTE]: □□□□□□□
  • Recording cuts to Cameraman sitting at a desk in a plain white room. Cameraman seems be unconscious, and is drooling onto his clothes. A purple carpet like substance is growing from his face. A plastic arm appears from out of the view of the camera and taps the Cameraman until he awakens. The Cameraman proceeds to vomit clumps of wires and coiled metal. Cameraman speaks, but his voice is dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Cameraman seems to fade in and out of consciousness for the duration of the footage. Cameraman occasionally drools blood from his mouth.
  • Cameraman: Hello, my name is Mark. I'm a kid just like you. I love to play outside, I love learning and growing bigger everyday, but most of all I love my mommy. I like to paint. Watch me paint.
  • Plastic arms appears from out of the view of the camera, one with a green Sharpie brand marker and the other with a piece of paper. The piece of paper is placed onto the desk, and the plastic arm draws on it. Once the drawing is finished, the plastic arm lifts the paper and shows it to the camera. Drawing consists of green scribbles.
  • Cameraman: These are the big green hills where I live. Where do you live?
  • Recording is silent for thirty seconds, Cameraman seems to continue speaking however. Cameraman falls from his chair.
  • Cameraman: That sounds fun. I wish I lived there too. I like the snow. Let me show you what the big green hills look like after it snows.
  • The plastic arm moves off screen and returns with a bottle of milk which it pours onto the drawing. The hand shows the soaked drawing to the camera.
  • Cameraman: This is what the big green hills look like after it snows. Aren't they pretty? I like the snow, so I make sure to bring it with me wherever I go. Maybe, one day I will come to your town.
  • Recording cuts to the previous footage of the conflict with the security guard. Footage is dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. The dubber does differentiate the voices of subjects. The Host speaks in a higher pitched "girly" voice, the security guard speaks in a deeper voice, and the Cameraman speaks in the dubber's plain voice.
  • Security: I like your Camera. Let me see it.
  • Cameraman: You must ask before you can play with my camera.
  • Security: Can I play with your camera?
  • Host: Mark, please let our new friend play with your camera.
  • Cameraman: I shan't let him play with my camera. I am a bad boy, and I don't like to share.
  • Security: I'm telling my mommy and you will be in bad trouble.
  • Cameraman: Don't fucking touch me... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said a bad word.
  • Recording freezes once Co-Host enters the shot.
  • Recording cuts to blank footage. Audio is still available. Co-Host is heard being interrogated by an unknown individual who will be referred to as Unknown. Unknown either uses a speech synthesizer to speak or a has a natural speaking voice that sounds similar to a speech synthesizer.
  • Unknown: Why? Why? You lie.
  • Co-Host: Please, let me go.
  • Unknown: You breathe. Why lie?
  • Co-Host: Please.
  • Unknown: No. No. You lie.
  • Co-Host: I don't know what you're talking about. Please. I'm so sorry. I just want to go home.
  • Unknown: You lie. Him. You breathe. No mask. You breathe.
  • Co-Host begins to sob.
  • Unknown: Why cry? No cry. You bad. You wrong. Lie. Lie. Why lie? Why lie when breathe? No mask. No. No. You lie. Lie to boy. No.
  • Unknown's voice morphs into that of the child spoken to earlier in the recording.
  • Unknown: Why did you lie to him, bad girl. You're a big liar. You're a bad girl. Mommy's upset.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Cameraman engaging in sexual intercourse with an unknown female. Audio has been dubbed over by Unknown who repeats the statements, "no", "bad", and "don't look" throughout the entire thirty minutes of footage.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Host and Cameraman in conflict with an unknown entity. Recording has been dubbed over and replaced by dialogue spoken by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Unknown entity is humanoid in shape with a balloon-like head, a neon green plastic-like substance dangling from its head, and hot pink skin. Aside from large eyes drawn in "Anime" style on its face, it lacks any facial features. The entity wears a purple dress.
  • Host: Look, it's mommy.
  • Host is covered in blood and wielding an ax. Panicked, she points at the entity which is quickly pushing a shopping car full of toys towards the her and the Cameraman. Host jumps out of the way. Cameraman attempts to jump out of the way, but is hit by the shopping cart. The camera is dropped, but the unknown entity can be seen climbing on top of the Cameraman and sticking its arm into his mouth.
  • Cameraman: No, not my favorite camera. If I would have shared it this would have never happened. Now mommy is angry at me.
  • Host: Don't worry, Mark. I will save you.
  • Host hits the entity several times on its back with the ax. The entity bleeds a yellow and pink substance. Camerman crawls from under the entity, gets up, and stomps the entity's head.
  • Host: Ouch, hurting mommy hurts me.
  • Cameraman: Owie, it hurts me too!
  • Host: I think we both learned today not to hurt mommy. Hurting her hurts me more than it does her.
  • Cameraman: I don't know what that means, but I agree.
  • Host and Cameraman continue to attack the entity for the duration of the footage.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Host lying face down on the floor of a plain white room. A mannequin wearing the Co-Host's gas mask stands beside her. Bolt cutters are jammed into the mannequin's torso. An episode of the Flintstones can be heard playing in the background. Host raises her head to the camera. Her face is similar to the unknown entity's. Her head pops off and floats to the ceiling like a balloon.
  • Recording cuts to footage of a bonfire party. Host, Co-Host, and Cameraman are present and take part in different activities. A large number of unknown individuals are present as well. Audio of footage has been dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Audio is significantly distorted. It is impossible to make out any words spoken.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host does not have her gas mask in this footage.
  • [NOTE]: Audio is perfectly audible. It's just that mommy is speaking directly to me and you're not allowed to hear her.
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host stabbing the palm of her hand repeatedly with a butcher knife. Footage is in night vision and is taken in a wooded area.
  • Cameraman: You're a real fucking freak.
  • Co-Host: I know.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host sitting next to each other as they watch a bonfire burn.
  • Host: Hel, I love you.
  • It begins to snow heavily. Recording ends.
  • Recording was discovered by a user named, FriendlyHelper000, who posted a thread on the Runescape forums entitled, "This Is Why Liberalism Has Failed", which included links to the recording. Thread was quickly deleted and the user was banned. The publisher of the magazine which Retail Hell was distributed alongside claims to have no knowledge of the individuals in the recording.
  • Thank you for reading.

anonymous asked:

Why is nobody talking about the subtle 2jae moment in GOT7's 5 Seconds Interview in The Show? It's my favorite thing. It happens when they dance to 'Stop stop it' and I die everytime I watch it. I'm such a trash

My dear anon,

Ah, thank you so much for bringing this up!! I would hate to ignore this beautiful video! Not only is it hilariously funny, but as 2jae trash, we get that beautiful moment where Jaebum sings “I want to run to you and hold you” and pulls this not-so-subtle move:

Do you see his tiny smile as he looks right at Youngjae? You’re not the only one dying over this moment, my dear anon! It’s just so incredibly precious, and I just find myself smiling with him every time I see it!

Yet this moment is not the only reason I love this video as 2jae trash. Perhaps it shows my excessiveness with my love for the close relationship between these two, but there are actually a number of other (even more subtle) 2jae interactions in this video that bring a smile to my face! So, if you don’t mind me cluttering up your ask with my obsessiveness observations, I’d like to appreciate 5 other moments that make my 2jae trash heart happy!

1) These frames from when Jaebum was doing voice immitations just make me so happy because Youngjae and Jinyoung (because the JJ Project bond will always remain) looks so incredibly affectionate! Just look at the way Youngjae smiles at him in the first part of the clip, and then his cute little laugh at the end is just too adorable to me!

2) Also, there’s no doubt that Jaebum is incredibly competitive and Bambam answering the question on time is more than enough reason for him to get excited, but I just love how his smile lingers on Youngjae’s own celebration for a moment longer than anything else, and his little head duck at the end just makes me smile. Plus, Jaebum is adorable, let’s appreciate that.

3) I also love this moment after Jackson implies that Youngjae is “the most annoying member.” At first, Jaebum looks almost offended on Youngjae’s behalf while Jinyoung immediately starts grinning, but then he gets so adorably amused and dare I say fond??? when Youngjae takes revenge!

4) Then we have a spotting of truly fond Jaebum when it comes time to talk about Youngjae’s childhood photo. Just look at his precious little smile as he leans in to get a clear view and listens to Youngjae talk!

5) And can we take a moment to all appreciate Jaebum’s proud, happy smile after Youngjae easily answered the question about Bambam’s full name?? The way he watches Youngjae celebrating like a precious dork is so cute and affectionate!

Bonus) Now, as much as I love all the above moments, I have to say that my favorite moment, perhaps even above the blessing that is Jaebum’s glance at Youngjae during the dance, is one that lasts perhaps only a second and is only barely caught by the camera, but…

Am I the only one who sees how they were looking at each other before their eyes drifted to the other members? I know there’s less than a moment of it because the clip cuts in as they’re glancing away, but it still gets to me. These are the moments I realize what trash I am. I hesitate to include it on the list because it’s almost beyond subtle, but I have to point it out anyway!

I am so glad that you are 2jae trash enough to bring this to me and let me die with you over all these moments, my dear anon! <3<3<3 It fills my heart with joy to appreciate the bond and spotted moments of flirtation between these boys! I will be the last person to try to force someone to ship something romantically, and I’m perfectly willing to accept that even 2jae might not have a romantic connection with each other… but it’s videos like this with all these little moments scattered throughout that make it impossible to ignore now incredibly close Jaebum and Youngjae are, even though they don’t share the same sort of obvious and fanservice-filled bonds that some of the others do! Whatever form it may be in, the dynamic between 2jae is one of love, respect, and intimacy, even if they don’t show it to the public often. Which, honestly, makes these moments of visible affection all the more meaningful for me, whatever the context of their relationship!

But I totally think they’re in love.

Originally posted by gotlov3ly7

[FULL TRANSLATION] Wu Yifan - Esquire Magazine December 2014: Man at His Best Issue

Translated by: www.twitter.com/li__jy

The 22 year old Zaizai is one of Wu Yifan’s hardcore fans. She recently found a job with the multimedia department of a Fashion magazine and has an income of a couple thousand yuan a month. Zaizai said, any products that Wu Yifan endorses, she would “buy it without hesitation,” and when her income gets up to 20 thousand yuan, she would “definitely use 10 thousand yuan to buy a piece of clothing Wu Yifan has worn.” Just to listen to Wu Yifan’s OST at the end of the movie, Zaizai has gone to the theater to watch Tiny Times 3 twice. And at the building which she works in, a fashion magazine with Wu Yifan as the cover model is now being bid online for 200 yuan (10 times more than retail price); the movie Somewhere Only We Know’s press conference staff badge is bid up to 3000 yuan per badge— through consumption is exactly how this new generation straight forwardly expresses their feelings.

Before the age of 17, Wu Yifan’s life was simple. Born in Guangzhou, he immigrated to Canada with his mother, a few years later returning to Guangzhou, and lastly went to Korea. When studying in Guangzhou, Wu Yifan was Guangzhou No.7 Middle School’s basketball team captain. In 2005 he joined a teen NBA Chinese middle school basketball competition, receiving first place in the Southern Chinese region. If he went with this road, 9 years later we would probably be at an NBA game and not seeing Wu Yifan in a lit up bus stop ad at the Shuangjing bridge. 

At the age of 17, through SM Global Audition Canada, Wu Yifan entered Korean company, SM’s, training program, accepting training to become a celebrity. In 2012, Wu Yifan officially debuted as a member of EXO. This is a male idol group, made up of four Chinese members and eight Korean members. Because of his outstanding appearance, taking on the role of the leader, Wu Yifan quickly received fan’s hot support. May 2014, he officially went to Seoul Central District Court to file a lawsuit for “contract nullification” with SM, directly returning to China. In a few months time, Wu Yifan has become one of China’s powerful new generation actors.

Director Xu Jinglei saw Wu Yifan in an episode of Happy Camp, at the moment he was a member of EXO. “A row of a dozen children were standing there,” said Xu Jinglei, “and I felt this one was good.” Xu Jinglei’s “Somewhere Only We Know” is a standard teen idol romance film, about a group of handsome men and pretty women falling in love in Prague. Wu Yifan’s debut character’s occupation is romantic— a celloist. Earlier, Xu Jinglei’s movies already proved her skillful business talents, and using Wu Yifan, the movie is bound to be a profit only no loss business. The movie is scheduled to release on Valentines Day of 2015. Looking from now, the box office doesn’t have to worry at all, just take a look at the OST, released on Weibo, has already received over 100 thousand reposts.

Just like other new generation idols, Wu Yifan’s precise target is: the market of Chinese youth consumption power. He also already skillfully knows how to be a celebrity: reposting Fan Bingbing and People’s Daily’s charity announcements on Weibo, leaving short refreshing messages to fans “In the future let me also support you”… in 2014, Wu Yifan’s team confidently skipped the first step of relying on television dramas to accumulate fans, directly going for the silver screen. Anyway, currently, we don’t see even a little bit of sign that it will affect his popularity. 

Actually, observing closely, Wu Yifan is still like a child. He’s very tall, legs are very long, his face is impeccably a camera ready face: great bone structure, 3 dimensional, small, as delicate as a mask, a look of innocence that only children who grew up overseas would have. Sitting skillfully in front of the camera, everywhere from his eyelashes to the look in his eyes were motionless, causing people to can’t help but want to go in front of him and shake his face: “Hi, may I ask if you’re real?” Returning to the make up room, it was like he was turned on again, moving around in front of the full body mirror, listening to music and dancing with his assistant as if no one was around. “I can dance anywhere and anytime,” he said about himself. As the reporter took out his recorder pen, he said, “Seeing this, I feel like I need to sing.” He said he “is still a kid,” likes to joke around, likes to “occasionally vent out.” “How do you vent?”— he then showed a little embarrassment, “just hanging out with friends. Playing basketball, playing games, watching movies, chatting and drinking wine at home, fighting monsters while drunk.”

Wu Yifan was born in 1990. “I’m not an 1990’s kid, I’m a 1990 kid,” he said. He hopes he could “actively achieve an initiative in acting.” He also said he really likes Stephen Chow. “Don’t be fooled by my appearance,” he said, “possibly one day I could become a comedy actor.”

Wu Yifan’s fans are called “meigeni,” because Wu Yifan has once said, “I love you all, every one of you (meigeni).” When he said this, he was standing in a blooming stage and the audience in the dark were screaming. Not sure if Wu Yifan still remembers, a long time ago, he once said to a good friend: “I need to leave my name in this world.” Then, he was still young, not “Mr.凡先生” (his Weibo username). Then, Wu Yifan’s mother called him “fan fan.” 

UPD: CLOSED on Jan, 17 23:59 (GMT-10)

Hi, guys!
I happen to have a bunch of postcards with my stucky manips I ordered from Redbubble to make sure they look alright before putting them on sale.

Since they do look alright, I’m willing to give the postcards away to anyone who wants them.
I will ship anywhere in the world and I’m paying for the shipping.

Giveaway includes twelve 4”x6” postcards, see the image above, which was photoshopped, do forgive me, because my camera sucks and the cards have lovely satin finish, but here’s a rubbish close-up anyway:

You can’t choose other manips. Only these twelve are available.

If you’re interested, like this post to let me know. Don’t reblog, let’s keep it between my followers and me.

To enter you must be 18 or older, willing to share your address, and have your inbox open and respond within 24 hours.

I will choose one of you randomly on January 18, 2016. If the person is not comfortable with being announced, I will not post their url.
This giveaway ends on January 17, 2016. 

Thank you! ♥

Daddy 5SOS - Missing Out (Calum)

“Hi! Do you think you could do a daddy!5SOS blurb where the kid has a big sporting event and their dad misses it and they get really mad/sad? And make one about marching band?”

A/N: I hope you enjoy these! This was fun to write – I also want to thank Heather for her help on some of these ideas! This girl is so good to me. Be sure to check out my Twitter @lukesalmightty and talk to me there. Like always, non-anon prompts are always open! xx

Calum was not old, he insisted. Sure sometimes he groaned when he stood and his daughter giggled that he made old man noises, and he’d plucked a few suspiciously gray looking hairs from his head, but he was not old. Not at all.

He was just tired because he was busy. Having a freshman girl in college would do that to anyone, he rationalized. Making sure Nebraska got settled into her dorm and had everything she needed for school was tiring. And he missed her. She was gone too much, and his house was far too quiet. Calum was lonely.

Keep reading

Our ‘Could’ve Been’

Note: I enjoyed this for some reasons lol I hope you do too!

Call me when you wake up. We have an emergency.

My editor-in-chief is texting me at 7 am on a Sunday…I still have a massive hangover from last night, that’s our emergency. I’m still yawning when Mia answered the line.


“Hmm…yes Mia what’s up?” I’m going to fall asleep…

“You have to go here now.” On a Sunday?! Are you kidding me?

“What? Why?”

“We need to have a photoshoot today. The artists confirmed last minute. They are flying to Boston tomorrow night so we have to do the shoot today. Please Sammy.” Ugh I hate that I can’t say no to this woman.

“These artists better be drop dead gorgeous or I’ll hate you forever.”

I started dragging myself to the shower and took what’s on top of my dresser which is a pair of denim shorts and a muscle tee. I put my sneakers on and then walked my way to office at 8 am ON A SUNDAY. Ugh my head hurts. With my hair in a bun and with my glasses on, I definitely look like a mess.

I decided to drop by Starbucks to get some drink first just to make sure that I won’t doze off during the shoot.

Touchdown Ibiza for me. Take some meds for your hangover. Enjoy your day!

It’s Martin again. What a nice guy.

When I reached the studio, Mia isn’t here. According to Inna, our make-up artist, Mia’s already waiting for the artists.

I curled up like a shrimp on the director’s chair just in front of the monitor while preparing my camera. This day is going to be long for me. I’m just quietly doing my thing when our very loud and annoying stylist, Jessie, entered the room. I’m kidding I love this girl.

“There you are, Sammy! What happened last night? Did Martin take you home? Spill!” she sat across my chair. She’s talking about Martjin Garritsen who has been hitting on me since God knows when. It’s funny when you think about it because that insanely gorgeous man likes…well, me.

“I’m drunk as a pig, dude. I don’t know what happened but there are meds on my bedside table when I woke up,” I said without looking at her.

“He’s so into you, Sam. He’s so dreamy but you’re like aloof with him,” Inna said. “If I were you, it’s rock ‘n roll baby.” They both laughed. Oh goodness, why am I friends with them?

“She’s allergic to celebrities – especially musicians.” Inna looks confused.

“Shut up, Jess.” I sipped on my coffee.

“But, we work with celebrities…” Inna added.

“Yeah, but you know, she’s allergic to dating them.” Inna now looks so interested to know why. Damn it Jessie.

When I was a junior in college, which was 5 years ago, I was so into this band. I also have a crush on their lead singer who looked like someone who had fallen straight out of heaven. He has this blonde locks and blue eyes that’ll make you drown. My friends took me to see their concert when they visited our country. I also got meet and greet tickets which I was so excited about. I got to hug all four of them but of course I took time hugging their lead singer. We got the time to talk to them for a bit and I told them how much I loved their music. I don’t know but we clicked instantly and talked about very random stuff. I even told their lead singer that both our moms are math teachers and he just laughed. I’m never going to forget that moment in my life ever.

Because I was being silly, I put my phone number on the letter that I handed them. But you know, I never really expected a text or anything. However, later that night, their lead singer actually texted!

We’re coming to a club called Valkyrie tonight. You might want to come. ;)

Being the fangirl that I was, of course I went and took my friends with me since that’s the usual bar that we go to anyway. As I made my way through the crowd, I saw him there dancing with his bandmates and some girls.

“Hey!” I almost shouted over the loud music. He turned to me and figured out who I was. He bought me some drinks and we danced and danced and danced. To me it was like a fairytale but instead of a castle, we were in a bar. What a sad truth.

I was 18 and stupid.

He asked me to go to his hotel room and I actually went with him. Drunk me thought that we’re just going to talk. Of course we’re just going to talk, what else would we do? Soon we were kissing. Down. Down. Down.

Then, my phone suddenly started ringing like crazy. That’s when I snapped back to reality. What the heck am I doing? My friends are going insane looking for me. I’m still fully-clothed. Thank goodness.

“What the fuck? Where are you going?” he asked looking really confused.

“I…sorry I can’t do this. I wasn’t thinking. I…” he hissed.

“Are you fucking serious? What? You went here with me and you thought we’re going to count sheep?” he said, almost shouting. I can’t believe this. “Don’t act so innocent. You know you want it too. That’s why you came here!” he came closer again and started kissing me. What the heck?

“Stop!” I pushed him away.

“You should have told me in the first place that you aren’t interested with this. I could’ve found someone who does. What a bummer!”

“Are you being serious? I can’t believe you.”

“Why? Are you one of those girls who believe that I’m still the lanky virgin who’s so innocent to know about sex? Wow. You amaze me.” He hissed again.

“Uhm, no? I know that you’re a dickhead but I never believed that you’re…like this!”

“Then, what? What do you expect me to be like?” he just shouted at me. “You know what? If you don’t want sex, fine. You can leave now. The door is open. Bye!” he just shouted again while signaling the door to me.

“You’re such a disappointment. I never believed everyone when they said that you’re a complete dick because whenever I see you, I knew you’re not like that. But now, you just changed my mind. Are you trying to be the most rock star of them all? Well, congratulations! You have reached peak rock star that even your fucking mind turned into a rock. Bye!” I slammed the door behind me and ran to the elevator. I just realized then that I’m actually crying. Damn it.

When the elevator door opened, the band’s drummer was inside.

“Oh hey. Sam, right? What are you doing here? I thought…” he started. “Why are you crying?” he looked both confused and worried.

“Why don’t you ask your bandmate?” He went out of the elevator then I walked in. I called my friends then and they took me home.

“That has become the most important secret between me and my friends. I made them promise not to tell anyone about it because I mean, it’s a really stupid incident where I actually am partly at fault.” I ended the story.

Inna is in shock. I don’t think she even believes it. Her mouth is literally dropped open.

“Are you okay?” Jessie joked.

“Oh my God. Who is this guy? Which band?” Oops not gonna go there.

“That…is the secret I’m going to take to my grave.” I laughed.

My mood is slightly better now. The coffee is a big help. Also, seeing Inna’s reaction just made my day.

Jess is jokingly soothing Inna’s back when Mia entered the room.

“They’re here!” she turns to me, “There you are Sam! Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I guess. Who are these artists anyway?” I put the camera strap around my neck. I’m settled.

“It’s 5 Seconds of Summer.” WHAT? Jess and I just looked at each other, both with widened eyes. Mia smiled at me. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Uhh…no. Nothing’s wrong,” I lied. She walked out of the room again to let the boys in.

“Good luck.” Jess slapped my butt and ran to the dressing room where she’s going to work. I’m just going to pretend like nothing happened and assume that they have forgotten about me.

When she walked back in, the boys’ eyes wandered around the studio. Mia walked to me and smiled. She’s going to introduce us.

“Boys, this is Samantha. She’s going to be your photographer for today. So I’m going to leave you with her now, okay?” We all just…smiled. I motioned Mia that I will handle everything so she walked out of the room.

“Hi guys,” I casually said to them. I shook hands with each of them. “So yeah. As you can see, we’re quite few here today because you know, it’s a Sunday and it’s really early and I have a hangover.” What am I saying? “But anyway, that’s Inna, she’s our make-up artist. That’s Jessie, she’s our stylist. Those are Lia and Taylor, our assistants. They’ll assist you and then, yeah, we do shoot when you’re done.” Inna and Jess walked with them inside the dressing room and helped them out with everything they need to do. I can’t believe that out of every artist and every band, I had to do deal with 5SOS. I’m so lucky, aren’t I?

I’m just hiding here in another small room inside the studio because the boys are walking around topless outside and I just don’t want to deal with them. Their presence is enough struggle for me to endure. I’m listening to some music to ease my mind. And because I’m just so lucky today, the dreaded song played.

Jake, our web designer and one of my friends in college, is currently editing a video of Mia’s interview with 5SOS. They’re talking about their new album and their newest single. Jake insists that the song is about me even though, let’s face it, who am I for them to write a song about me?

“So tell us more about this new single of yours?” Mia asked.

“Luke, you tell ‘em,” Calum gives the mic to Luke.

“Me and Calum wrote this song. It’s about uhm when you found someone that you actually really like but then you can’t really open up and like, you screw up and you accidentally push her away. It’s like that. It’s a very emotional song, actually.”

“That must have come somewhere, did that ever happened to you? Have you accidentally pushed someone away and then you’re like “Oh wait what did I do?”” Mia asked again.

Luke sighed and said “It’s not really like that deep yet but you know it could’ve been a possibility but then…”

“But then he’s clumsy so he dropped the ice cream on the floor,” Mikey joked. At least that made everyone laughed and lightened up the mood.

“I swear this song is about you,” Jake said to me.

“Say that once again and I’m going to kick you already. It’s not about me. We were never a possibility.”

“That’s why he said ‘could’ve been’.”

I opened my eyes to Jessie snapping her fingers in front of my face. I didn’t realize I dozed off.

“What?” I asked.

“We’re almost done. Inna’s doing their make-up already. Are you okay?”

“Yeah I am.” I fixed my bun just to wake me up a bit more.

Jess is worried about me but I assured her that I could do this. I’m a professional, of course I could do this.

We walked out of the room and Ashton and Calum is already there. Luke and Michael aren’t done yet.

“Hello Sam. How are you? It’s been a while.” He remembers me, shit.

“Yeah, it is. It’s been what, five years? I’m great, how about you guys? Congratulations on the new album by the way.”

“Thank you. It’s all good. We’re uhh pretty busy with tour though.”

“We have a rough sched,” Calum added with an emphasis to the rough.

“Do you guys want to start with the solo shots now?” I asked them. I better start with anyone but him just to get a grip of this or else this whole shoot will be awkward all the way to the end.

I shot each one of them starting from Ashton and then took a break right after all the solo shots are finished.

I didn’t realize that they have returned until I was making a funny face for the camera while Taylor is shooting me and I saw Jess smiling at me sheepishly with the boys behind her. It’s now time for the group shots.

I admit, shooting them is quite fun because the four of them are just goofing around. Before we end, Mia entered the room and checked on us. She’s behind the monitors checking the shots that we had and thank goodness it looks like she already like them.

I approached her and curled up on the director’s chair again.

“Ugh I’m tired,” I said, pouting.

“You saved the day, Sam.” She patted my head. Mia is so much like my older sister.

She talked to the boys and thanked them and all that. I curled up on the director’s chair again to check the potential shots.

“I like this one,” Jess pointed to the shot where Luke is directly looking into the camera and the three other dorks are somewhat pushing him towards it – towards me.

“I hate you.” I rolled my eyes at her.

“Sam?” Am I hearing voices? It’s…Luke, behind me. Jess’ eyes widened.

I turned around and faced him. “Yes? Do you need anything?” I smiled.

“Can we like…talk? In private?” I looked at Jess trying to make her stop me from going but she just smiled and mouthed “Go talk to him.”

We went out of the studio while Mia is still talking to the other three boys. I rested my back against the wall. He’s making me too nervous.

“So…what’s up?” I started.

“How are you doing?” he rested his back against the wall as well. We’re talking but not looking at each other.

“Uhm, great? Nothing really special. I’m just working here.” I kind of laughed. Oh God this is awkward. “You?”

“Uhh…about the song.” Oh shit. “I’m guessing you’ve heard it.”

“Uhm yeah.” I smiled. “It’s a great song.” I think I saw him blush but I’m not so sure.

I’m just speechless. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I was such an asshole, I know. I kind of ruined everything. I don’t know. I’m such an idiot.” He looked down.

“Eh. It’s done. That’s so long ago I mean, let’s just move on.” He faced me and our eyes met. He looks half-relieved and half-disappointed with what he said.



“Will you give me another shot?” A knot on my forehead formed. “Just one chance. Let’s go out on a dinner or something.”

“Luke, you don’t have to prove to me that you’ve changed or whatsoever. It doesn’t matter anymore.” Wow, I actually meant that.

“Are you with someone else now?” He says ‘someone else’ like he had been my ‘someone’. He rested his back against the wall again. “Okay. I understand.”

“I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that, what’s the point of proving it to me now? It already happened. What’s done is done. I’ve forgiven you. No need to make up for it, really. I think you should show your girlfriend that instead of showing me.” I probably sounded so frustrated.

“Sam, I want to.” It could’ve been a possibility. It keeps on echoing inside my head. I hate that five years later, he can still do this to me.

He just stared at me with his eyes looking so hopeful. I sighed, defeated.

“Ugh. Fine.”

His whole face lightened. “Really? Oh my God thank you. I’ll be a good boy I promise. Where do you want to go?”

“I know a small bar near here. We can go there.”

“Awesome! I’ll pick you up at 8?”

“Okay.” I laughed. He’s gotten too excited.

Few hours later, I found myself being dragged on to the beauty chair inside the studio because Jess made Inna do my make-up. We’re just going to have a drink or something and they’re overreacting.

“I thought you’re allergic to dating celebrities? But now, you’re going out with Luke?” Inna asked while putting some blush on me.

Jess answered her, “You know, you won’t really know that you’re still allergic to something if you haven’t tried it again, right?” she winked at me and I just rolled my eyes.

When Luke arrived back in the office, he’s in a black tee and a plaid shirt. He actually took the time to change. Jessie is acting like my mother, it’s really annoying and funny. We walked towards the bar that I was talking about. We just went here last night. I bet Lucio’s going to be surprised because we only go there every Saturday night. Lucio is a middle-aged man who owns this place. He’s grown fond of me because we go here frequently.

“Welcome!” Lucio greeted. “Samantha! How are you doing? I didn’t expect you tonight!” He also looked surprised that I brought someone with me who aren’t my usual companions. “It looks like we have a new guest here.”

“He’s Luke. Luke, this is Lucio. He owns this place.” Lucio found us a seat and took our orders.

When he left, “This is a very nice place, Sam,” said Luke.

I smiled and said, “It is! It’s small so not many people really go here but when you’ve discovered this place, you won’t look anywhere else.” I sound like I’m trying to sell this bar. Luke laughed a bit.

“This seems to be your sanctuary. Thank you for taking me here.” I feel like my cheeks turn hot.

“Yeah, so don’t ruin it for me, okay?” I laughed because I’m making it come out as a joke but really, I do mean it.

Talking to Luke now feels so different from the talking to him years ago. It’s like this is a matured version. Still funny, same old corny jokes and awkward laughs but it feels like he isn’t the Luke I talked to before.

After eating and talking for hours, I realized that it’s almost midnight. Lucio reminded me about the time because he knows that have work the next day. It’s funny because he seems like my dad who is reminding me that I shouldn’t sleep that late since I have to wake up early again.

We were about to go out when someone came through the doors and Luke recognized her – it’s Sara. That Sara.

“Oh hey Lukey,” she greeted him.

“Hi…” he seemed conscious.

I don’t think she saw me so she just continued to walk pass us. “That guy? Oh you know, we hooked up before but not anymore.”

We heard her friend say “Really? He’s the one from the band right?” Guys, it’s probably best if you don’t talk about Luke yet because we can clearly hear you. We’re literally like 3 meters away from them.

Luke hissed and walked out with me.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

He continued to walk but I don’t know where he’s going. We reached Central Park. He just continued to walk in silence until we’ve reached a bench.

He sighed deeply. “She’s the exact reason why I’ve hated myself so badly.” He laughed at himself a bit.


“All of them, they only wanted to be with me because I’m in a band – because they’d be popular if they date me or sleep with me. They all wanted to be that so-called ‘groupie’ because they think it’s cool. I was so stupid. I’m sorry.” Why is he saying sorry? What?

“I told you, it doesn’t matter anymore, right?” I nudged his arm and he smiled.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he smiled awkwardly. He’s so cute, really.

“Isn’t that your biggest secret yet?” I joked.

“Nope. There’s something bigger.” He laughed. He sighed and relaxed his back against the cold bench. “Exactly five years ago, there’s this girl in meet-and greet. She came with two of her friends. We were able to talk for like 2 minutes only. It was a bliss. But damn, that girl captured my heart just like that. Ashton had to nudge me back to reality when they left because that girl is something.” I don’t get it. “I saw her in the crowd that night though. She’s singing along to every song we sing. I didn’t want the show to end because that would mean that I will never see her again. What’s funny is that, when we went back to the hotel, I opened the gift she handed me earlier that day. She wrote her number on the paper.” IS THIS ME? WHAT THE HECK? “We were all tired so the boys wanted to sleep in but then I wanted to her again. I was leaving the next day so that was my only chance. I texted her and invited her to party with us. We got a bit drunk.” His face went from really happy, even blushing, to sad all of a sudden.

“When she agreed to come with me in my hotel room, I thought we had the same thing in mind. I immediately regretted it though. God I was so stupid. I kissed her and she pushed me away. When she told me that she was disappointed on who I turned out to be, I knew I fucked up. I screwed up my only chance. I hated myself because I turned out to be the exact person that all those girls said. I’m nothing but a fuckboy who sleeps around without caring about anyone. I believed them and that has probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” He looked at me straight in the eye. “And for that, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was stupid.”

“Stop saying you’re stupid.” I scooted closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. “We make mistakes. You did. We did, actually. Drunk me wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry for that as well. Now, it’s over. Let’s just leave the past behind.”

“Although…” he started. I lifted my head up and looked at him. “…would you know if that girl will still accept me if ask her to go out with me again, for a legit date this time?” I laughed.

“Maybe…but she still has to check her schedule.” I winked. He laughed. We hugged.

This moment feels like a fairytale but instead of being in a sad bar, we are in a beautiful city and I wouldn’t ask for more because our ‘could’ve been’ fairytale just turned into reality.


I shouldn’t have to rant about this, but let me do it. My camera is charging anyways.

I’ve been a trans person blogging online since I was a teenager. I don’t really blog about trans stuff anymore because frakly, I’m out of touch and have nothing more to say after being mostly stealth and I don’t truly feel my voice should be the loudest in transgender discourse.
BUT that all being said let me just underline something for people who for some reason don’t get this:. T

I finished my “transition” years ago.

I do not need your advice on being trans, your help, your direction, your suggestion or your input. I am post-transition and have been for years. I that ever changes, I’ll blog about it. But it’s really annoying when people come to me with unsolicited advice or input about my body and especially about my medical history.

I just had someone come into my messages to tell me that I had gynecomastia. They said this because apparently they thought that I needed an explanation for my pre/non hormonal breast growth.
A lot of very insecure trans women believe that when I speak about developing breasts without hormones that this is something that I am bragging about. So telling me that I have gynecomastia reassures them. They’re being shady, you’re misgendering and they’re being slick. Pettiness aside, if that’s what it is, then I’d have no issues saying that’s what it is. When I speak to not knowing why I develoved breasts as a teenager, it is a reflection of genuine ignorance. It is not me bragging or smiling and saying “look at me” it’s me simply stating that I am ignorant in that area. I spent a lot of time in the hospital as a child. I have a father who I now understand was a bit overzealous when it came to taking me to get checked out. Through all of my examinations, “gynecomastia” was never referenced.

People have this obsession with this idea that i omit certain aspects of my life in order to seem more “fishy” or some petty, gross shit. What I guess I need people to understand is that I view these conversations and these things as things that I am beyond. I am not wrapped up in transgender conversations or discourse about gender identity. I am trans but that isn’t a central part of my identity. I do not share aspects of my life to impress you. I feel foolish at times blowing my transness into something larger than it is. It is something people seemed obsessed with that i barely think about. I don’t think many people understand what it’s like to have the same conversation for 10 years and then get to the point where you just.don’t.care.

Obviously as a trans influence, I feel like I have a responsibility. Realistically most trans women who do what I do just wanna sit, look pretty and talk about dick. And that’s great. I don’t blame them for that. That was my life for a minute. BUt now I do something different and I attack issues and I’m one of the few trans people who do so I GET the pressure people put on me. I do, however, hope that more trans creators come along who do what I do and have more of a connection/love for these conversations. I don’t. At a base level, I will always see inclusion and respect of people who are different than I as important and healthy, but I am not invested in these conversations as they are not central to my thought process in 2016. That’s me being honest. I absolutely hate being pushed into a vertical that I have so little to say about. You will rarely hear me speak about trans experiences and refer to something i’ve dealt with in the past 3 years.

Anyways, I’m ranting about this shit because it grinds my fucking gears. It’s very hard for me to stomach having people feel like my life, gender and truth are up for debate or need to be dissected. This person genuinely couldn’t see the rudeness of contacting someone and giving them a diagonosis. They said it in a really gross and condescending tone as though I haven’t been trans, haven’t been blogging and just started my transition and needed an explanation for something I’ve lived with for a decade.

I am not a trans person who has ever looked in the mirror, absolutely hated their body and wanted to drastically change it. that’s not me, that’s not my narrative, that’s not my experience, that’s not my life. Regardless of why or how I have breasts, they are part of my body and the only time they’ve bothered me was when they were seen as alien on my body. I don’t need or want your diagnosis’s based on shit you’ve read on tumblr or shit that you’ve said to other people. I am exhausted by having to live within people’s narrow perceptions of trans women and hate that me saying that out loud makes some people feel like I am bragging or trying to say that I am better than. I am just tried of people trying to dictate my life to me. I’ve been a fucking blogger since I was 14. You can still find my old posts about gender online if you look hard enough. I’ve had this conversation, I’ve put it to bed and it’s been settled years ago. I get that it may be new to you, but stop trying to pretend that it’s new to me. I am not 2 days on mones or three years into transition. I understand that most of you weren’t following me when I was blogging extensively about trans stuff, but trust me, I’ve had these conversations. Put them to rest years ago.

Just a mini vent. Hate this fucking website.

An open letter to the president of comedy central who is probably a very nice person -

hello!  my name is nick.  i’m a film and television editor from Queens.  i have edited a bunch of things for a bunch of tv networks… including yours… but this letter has very little to do with me or my work… 

rather, it has to do with someone you are probably much more familiar with… my good buddy chris gethard!

I’ve known chris for a very long time.  I actually knew his work before I knew him as a human being…  I was a fan of the magazine “Weird NJ” - which was where Chris worked as a youngster.  It was given to me by a dear professor friend of mine who has a nose for that kind of stuff.  Anyway, we are the same age, graduated in the same year, etc blah blah.  Also, since we both have careers on opposite sides of the camera, we occasionally cross paths on a work level.

Because I’ve known Chris for a long time and I have a little experience editing comedy television (including having worked at 80% of the daily late night comedy shows that have run in NYC), I feel that I should gently let you know that I feel that Chris Gethard is far and away the best choice to take the baton from Stephen Colbert on your late night schedule.

There are a million reasons.  I don’t want to gush, but chris is my dude, so i’m breaking off 10 minutes of my writing time to let you know why.  You should know that I am not affiliated with the show in any way shape or form beyond being an ocd-level fan of it.  As someone who works in TV, I crave real interaction in what I watch while I’m not working, and chris’ show is far and away the best place to find that on TV these days.   Anyway, here are some reasons:

1.  No one is built for the stress of a show like this better than Chris.  He has been the literal definition of “grinder” in the comedy scene for as long as I’ve known him… and that builds up the callouses that you need to host a daily comedy television show.  Also, Chris has gotten consistently funnier and stronger as an actor for the entirety of his career.  His work in various mediums over the years bears this fact out…  and if you know Chris like I do, you know that he started really really strong, so the bar is pretty high at this point.  I became familiar with Chris as an improviser when he started showing up at the Respecto Friday night jams at UCB - he basically sprang onto the scene as a fully formed and hilarious improv mind, and much like an awkward child going through puberty, his body eventually caught up with his brain.  Also, dude can hang with anyone performance-wise.  Was playing with the top of the UCBT immediately… and this is when there were legends playing!

2.  Chris has already been doing a much harder show on MNN than the one he would be doing for you guys at comedy central!  The public access show is a totally insane thing that chris does at a loss.  You know this… you also know that basic cable budgets are not what people think they are.  You ALSO know that if you gave the people who make the Gethard Show a real budget —  sky’s the limit.  And when I say “a real budget” i mean all you need to do is give Chris a fedex number and a P-Card, and he would be able to make the funniest show possible for your money.  Chris comes from an era of understanding how to make things cheap and dirty — we can smell our own.

3.  He’s got a crew already!!  they are great and deal with the insanity of public access and get live calls on the air!!!  They are pros and they work for the love of the game!!!

4.  He’s got a COMMUNITY already!!!!  

Ask any late night show producer what the most important part of the whole thing is— they will say the editor— jk they will say the FANS WHO WATCH THE SHOW!!!!!!  

Fallon popped off because in addition to being a genius dynamo performer, he was also able to engender a sense of community almost immediately!  I mean, when his show started, his twitter icon was literally him holding out his hand for the world to shake.  Enough has been written about fallon’s social media presence, but i’ll say I know when I am trying to catch Colbert, i often want to comment on it, and so I’m watching the show on my computer with social media open.  Lucky for me (and you?) Chris’ show occurs in three places at once - in the studio - in a live chatroom that is literally part of the set, and on twitter and facebook.  

This exists because there is a giant thriving community of fans who populate these places to talk about geth’s show because he makes them feel like they are part of it!  

If Fallon’s twitter icon is a handshake, Chris’ would be him literally jumping through the computer screen to give you a hug.

5.  And this is the last thing I’ll write, cause I’ve got 2 minutes left, and this is gushy even for me.  Chris is a real person who honestly gives a shit about the people who inhabit his world.  I can say that he is like this with certainty as a performer and as a friend.  When I was a teacher, Chris came all the way out to westchester to give a “weird NJ” type powerpoint presentation to my kids.  Of course, we had to throw away 30% of the powerpoint before the presentation… Chris, upon walking in my classroom door: “its probably a bad idea to tell these kids about the sex crimes that happened three blocks from this school, right?”.  but the kids LOVED it, even without the weird shit.  

They paid attention to the whole thing (MIDDLE SCHOOL kids)… and asked chris questions that he graciously answered for at least a half hour after his presentation.  

Those kids are your viewers.  

They will Love Chris.  

He will kill himself to make an amazing show for you.  

He is a Jersey guy via NYC - and that seemed to work out pretty well for you guys last time, right???    

Thanks for your time, and please keep hiring me to edit your shows!!


Nick Mougis

I Told You I'd Get Lost

Summary: Dan gets lost in Louise’s vlog when Phil’s in America.

Fluff, Slight pre-smut

Word count: 1154

A/n: This is my first phanfic, please be nice, tell me if there are any improvements FEEDBACK WILL GET YOU AN INVISIBLE COOKIE bribery is NOT THE WAY! But still. :P :D

Disclaimer: I am not saying phan is real, and unfortunately I do not own Dan and Phil (oh the possibilities)


 “Daaaaaan. I need to go” said Phil squeezing his boyfriend to his chest before attempting yet again to push him off.

“No” came a muffled reply from his chest. “You don’t need to go, statistically you’re at least 70% more likely to get in an accident if you go outside but if you stay here then its only 10%”

“You know that makes no sense right?” Said Phil chuckling but still trying to prize his arms from around him.

“Yes it does, you just needed to listen properly.”

Dan” Phils voice was less playful than before “Please, I love you but I really need to go” Reluctantly Dan let go, pulling a face and staring in to Phils eyes.

“I hate it when you go away. I always feel a bit lost”

“Bear, Ill be back before you know it, and hey, I’ll skype you everyday.” He brought his hand up to Dan’s cheek but instead Dan crashed his lips into Phil’s quickly before pulling away.

“Go on then butthead, before I hug you again”

“Love you!”

“Love you too” Called Dan as he watched Phil race down the stairs before sighing and closing the door. He’ll have to find something to do whilst Phil was away or he’d just end up laying on the kitchen floor.


Why is Florida so hot!? Thought Phil, stripping out of his jeans and pulling his laptop out of his suitcase. Him and his parent had been out all day, so he hadn’t been able to talk to Dan at all. Loading up Skype he noticed that Dan wasn’t online, this was odd.

Deciding to brush it off in the hopes that his boyfriend was finally able to cope without him, well not in the hopes…he kind of like feeling needed. But he was sure it was nothing.

After checking twitter he felt like going on Youtube, mindlessly scrolling through his subscriptions and being mesmerized by Charlie’s new Dance video he found a Sprinkle of glitter vlog, he hadn’t seen Louise since Vidcon, so he had a look.

Aloha sprinklerino’s, me, Matt and Darcy thought we would go into the land of londals, I mean London….incase you didn’t…anyway, today as I need to get some birthday presents and we thought we’d meet up with the lonely Danisnotonfire and yeah, well, that’s what we’re gonna do!

Phil chuckled, he shouldn’t of worried about Dan, they had great friends who wouldn’t let him get too lonely.

Half way through the vlog, Louise came on looking a bit panicky.

“Ummmm, so We-un seemed to have lost Dan” She looked off the camera, towards Matt

“Well we were just in topman he couldn’t of gone far”

“oh god I feel like an overprotective mother”

“You are Louise, it’s just rubbing off onto fully grown men now”

“Ahhh, he just seems so helpless sometimes when Phil isn’t here, it’s really adorable but a bit worrying if you’re trying NOT to lose an internet celebrity!”

“You know I always thought it would be Phil who got lost and stuff he seems like the less organized-no-not organized…well you get what I mean.”

“Well, we shall just have to keep looking Matthew, come on Darcy.”

Phil paused the video. IT was quite amusing hearing other people talk about them when they weren’t there. Hearing other peoples assumptions, well, that he supposed is what the entirety of their fanbase did.


“We found him guys! Ugh I was just getting used to not having to look at you”

“Oh thanks Louise, I see what our friendship is worth” He flicked a nonexistant piece of hair out of his eyes sniffing dramatically “No, don’t even LOOK at me!”

(Matt) “We were just discussing your ability to always get lost”

(Louise) “Yeah, like a little bear wandering in the woods” Dan went bright red,

“Well…yeah-hahaha that’s me! Umm”

Phil was laughing his head off at the expression on Dan’s face


“Well farewell peasants, for I must be gone” With that Dan sauntered off, swinging his hips until he rounded a corner

“He’s so fabulous”


“Well he is look at him!”


“Well my little chubby bunnies of joy, I think Darcy is in need of bed times and…well….Love you all!”

The video ended and Phil was still giggling like crazy. He would NEVER let Dan forget this, it was just gold.

******Phillip is back in the motherland*****

“Dan! I’m home!” Phil shouted into the quiet apartment, half expecting, half hoping that Dan would come bounding down the stairs, but he didn’t. Shrugging Phil lugged his suitcase up the stairs and into his room and let out an audible squeak at what he saw. Dan was curled up on his bed in his York hoodie.

With a kiss to the forehead and a sigh of, “You’re so cliché Dan Howell” He got under the covers and fell asleep.


Phil woke up to an empty bed the next morning, after about a minute of blind fumbling for his glasses he went to the kitchen to find Dan humming making pancakes.

Wrapping his arms around him from behind he whispered into his hair “You’re even more cliché than you were last night, I missed you, and you have pancakes so I suppose I have to love you”

Dan elbowed him in the stomach, “Shut up, I can take care of myself and you if you don’t stop being mean to me”

“How is calling you cliché being mean?”

Dan paused for a moment, “Ummm, ask me again later” Phil chuckled again and went to the toilet before breakfast. When he was coming back into the room he had an idea.


Dan froze. Then looked up at Phil, he looked horrified. Phil made his way over to him kissing his nose, “I said you’d be fine, my little bear wandering in the woods.

“Hey I told you I’d get lost!”

“Yeah but I didn’t mean it quite so literally”

“Shut up, I wasn’t even lost”

“Make me” Phil challenged, an eyebrow raised.

Dan grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss.

“Hmmp……ok….this’ll work” They carried on kissing for a while, gradually becoming more heated. Phil broke off too kiss down Dan’s neck, smirking at the noises he received

“I um…..didn’t start-oh-c-cooking the…….pancakes” Dan moaned tightening his grip on Phil’s hair

“Good…cause you’re coming with me”

“That’s what she said” At that Phil bit into Dan’s neck again to shut him up. “Oh god Phil, ok right wrong-ah-moment”

Phil hated it when he had to go on holiday, but it always made everything better when he came back. They were always slightly more desperate, yet slightly tenderer.

Dan may have told him he had will get lost, but Phil will always be there to find him again.

Mental Scars // Break time for the mun.

@lavender-sans made me realize today that I need a break too.

My mental health is not doing well do to the toxic environment I’m living in. I need a break from tumblr so I can focus on managing my own mental and physical health.

I didn’t want to say anything about this cause I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. But I feel like I need to share my story.

I’m a 21 year old genderfluid panromantic. I have a family of 6

Me, my 3 brothers and my mom and dad.

I’ve been diagnosed with on and off clinical depression,

 anxiety and Asperger autism, 

social anxiety, 

panic attacks,

 hypochondriasis -meaning I’m really paranoid about my health and if I feel even a slight pain in my body my brain assumes the worst like: oh it must be cancer, or oh it’s diabetes, or oh I must be dying!- 


and selective mutism .

These huge walls of mental issues make it hard for me to do everyday activities and I often find myself forgetting things and getting confused at the simplest problems.

Despite my many mental issues and my physical issues such as: hypoglycemia - low blood sugar-  my weak hips and my legs that like to pop out of their sockets, and IBS {{ Irritable Bowel Syndrome. }}

My parents don’t seem to understand I am mentally and physically unable to handle situations that should seem simple. I literally cannot handle anyone raising their voice at me or full blown yelling at me or I will have a complete meltdown. I will be unable to speak or form a coherent sentence and will get too emotionally compromised when trying to speak that I will just stop speaking. 

This has caused many issues with my parents and I and when I don’t speak or answer them right away because of my inability to they will take my computer and phone and anything they can think of which only makes things worse because now I’ve lost everything I enjoy so it just makes me slide deeper into my depression. They already took my door leaving me with no privacy and mom’s called me lazy, selfish and unappreciative.

She even told me a few days ago: I don’t care what you have or what you think you have, other people have it worse than you.

And that was a huge mental slap in the face. I fucking know other people have it worse than me. But her saying that makes me feel so horribly guilty that I have issues. 

Suffering isn’t a competition.Her saying this basically tells me:  my pain is insignificant because others feel it too so I should just get over it.

Not only am I suffering but now I know that others are suffering just as much as me. That sucks. That really, really sucks. Now I’m sad for me and sad for other people.

My parents still continue to say and do all the wrong things with me. They have threatened to kick me out more times than I can count. They’ve threatened to put me outside in a tent and have me sleep there outside when they know that there are bears and coyotes close in our area. 

They’ve been guilt tripping me and using fear to make me do what they want. It’s not my fault that I forget or that I am too emotionally and physically drained that I have no motivation to get up and do things. They still treat me like I’m nothing but dirt under their shoes.

My dad will sometimes take his belt to my ass and whip me if I am crying. Which only makes it worse. You’d think they would have gotten the hint that something was really wrong with me when I ran away a few years ago.

Just yesterday my brother found my camera that had been missing for 4 years. I wanted it back. But the prick wouldn’t give it back so I told him that the camera was mine and I wanted it back. 

So I took it back - I was already frustrated because he’s been trying to take my computer and my tv from me by asking my mom and dad and me if he could have them. Even though we’ve told him no multiple times.- and then he goes in and bitches and moans to my mom and my mom comes out and gets in my face and tells me how selfish I am. 

And that I don’t need my camera because I haven’t used it. I kept telling her I just didn’t know where it was and that I wanted it back because it was mine. Then she laughed and threatened to take away everything in my room from me because she said since she paid for it that the stuff was hers. But I disagree because when you give someone something then they are the new owner of said item given. 

I asked her right out: Would you let me have my brother’s DS if I asked him for it. 

- she avoided the answer like the hypocrite she is just to torment me. Of course she wouldn’t let me have my brother’s DS if I asked for it but oh yeah sure she’ll let my brother take my camera. She always favored my brothers over me anyways.-

It doesn’t matter if I didn’t pay for it or not, you gave it to me. it’s like giving someone a stuffed animal for free at a garage sale. That stuffed toy is now theirs because you relinquished your ownership of the stuffed animal to someone else to keep. It’s like giving away free kittens, that kitten now belongs to the person who came by and gives it a home.

So yes by all means and intent this room, these clothes, my pc, and my shit is my shit. Just cause I didn’t pay for them doesn’t mean I don’t have ownership. When you give someone something to keep and to use as their own and how they please then whatever you gave them is now theirs. 

Money shouldn’t = ownership all the time. 

Sure if you pay for something and have it for your use then yes this item you paid for is yours but as soon as you give it away it’s like a donation.

 If you give an item to someone for their usage then that item is now THEIRS. Just like when you donate canned food, those canned foods now belong to the children that receive the cans. You wouldn’t go back and take the canned food away from the children now would you? So don’t do it to your own children. If you give them something as a gift then it is theirs. Plain and simple.

You don’t have to have money to own a cave in the wilderness do you? No that cave is yours and no one can claim it. You don’t have to have money to make your own clothes and have them be yours do you? No those clothes are yours. If you give someone something as a gift then YES they are the new owner of that something.

So it’s bullshit my parents take away my stuff. My mom was in my face yelling: Give me the computer it’s MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! I PAID FOR IT!

NO FUCK YOU MOM my pc is mine, dad gave it to me just like you and dad gave me my dog. I am their owner, you have no right to take them away from me or take away my pc or phone. I don’t care if you paid for them you gave them to me as a gift. You can’t just take them away. I’m not your property and you don’t own me. 

You wouldn’t take back a gift you gave to your friend or parents would you? So no don’t take my shit. You know very well that once you give something up the person you gave it to is the owner. If you wouldn’t take back a gift you bought someone for Christmas from your friends or parents then don’t fucking do it to your child.

I’m so sick of all the mental abuse. I need time away to focus on myself and get myself the help I need because my mom and dad sure as hell won’t help me. I need to get my mental and physical health checked and I need to earn enough money to get away from my parents. 

Hell even my two younger brothers are horrible to me. They once pinned me down and started beating on me. Now don’t say that’s bullshit, my younger brothers are now taller than me and physically stronger. They call me names like: bitch, stupid fuck, asshole, and many other names. They tell me to shut up and they don’t appreciate my help.

My parents say I don’t give a damn about anyone but myself, seems like they’ve forgotten all the shit I’ve done for them for years. Like doing everyone’s laundry, cleaning up the upstairs multiple times, staying up with them when one of them is ill. 

Hell when my dad had the swine flu I was up with him for three fucking nights ILL WITH THE SWINE FLU MYSELF, doing everything he asked. Talking to him, I always tell my parents I love them when they leave and tell them to be careful while driving.

I watched 2 children for almost a year and a half -changing their rank ass diapers- with no fucking pay because a family friend was going through a hard time and getting divorced. Yet they still say shit like I’m selfish, lazy, ungrateful, unappreciative and shit. 

NO fuck that. I bust my ass as best as I can, all while fighting my mental and physical issues. I’m exhausted, I’m tired and I’m done with your guilt trips, I’m done with the mental abuse, I’m done with having my ass beaten. I’m done with you taking away my shit.

I’m sorry everyone but I will be taking a break I need to help me help myself since my parents sure as hell don’t give a damn about my mental or physical health.

I need to get money which means I need to focus on getting myself a job so I can finally move out and leave this toxic environment where everything is my fault and I’m such a selfish and horrible person. And they still have the nerve to tell me that they love me. 

Yeah right if you loved me you would be doing whatever you could to help me with my mental and physical issues instead of using any little mistake I make as an excuse to take things that bring joy to my life away.

I’m so done with this family rn. As soon as I move out I’m cutting ties with my mom and my two youngest brothers. The only ones I can remotely stand is one of my brothers who is only a few years younger than me and my dad. Sure my dad has a temper but he’s a lot better than my mom and I’m more close to my dad. But as soon as I move out it’s bye bye mom and bye bye my two younger brothers.

I’m sorry guys but I need to focus on getting out of this toxic environment. I cannot spend all my time on tumblr anymore. I need to start looking out for my mental and physical health and I can’t do that when I’m on tumblr 24/7 

I hope you all understand. I’m going to take a break from tumblr, if you do want to contact me pm me for my skype. Otherwise the only things I will do on tumblr is some rps but I won’t be answering any questions on my blogs or doing any events or stuff like that.

 I won’t be holding any contests -the design my Sans contest is on hold for now, you can still design Sanses and send them in to my submission box but know they will be sitting there for a long while before I resume the contest- I am putting the raffle prizes on hold -sorry guys- and most of my rps I started with anyone will be on hold while I get my life together.

I hope you all understand. 

Thank you for your time.


Making doujin manually is killing meh QAQ Anyway i need a distraction and… Doodling something about the scary-story-with-no-ending i’ve heard somewhere,, it creeps me out X.X And my camera wants to have a fight with me