who knows if i'll come close to finishing it

What If

“what would you say to him if he was in front of you right now?” her therapist asks.

“boy is that a loaded question,” she replies. “i’d tell him i miss him, but i’m not sure if i want him to come back only to leave again. what else? i’d tell him i’m grateful to have had him around because for a long time, he was the only reason i woke up in the morning. i’d tell him that even though he’s gone, he still holds my heart in his hands; and i’d ask him to take care of it because if i get it back, i might give it to a dumb boy who doesn’t deserve it. i’d tell him about how i thought i was doing fine, but i seem to be back at old habits; i guess they do die hard. i don’t know, there’s so much inside me, so much i want him to know; little things like how i hadn’t slept really well that friday night and woke up being cranky and plain rude to my sister for no reason, or how i feel like i’ve finally gotten ahold of my education, how i love my teachers and the courses i’m taking. i’d tell him about how i enjoy listening to the professor speak about topics that are so captivating and how my math class is like a review for me. i’d tell him everything; every little thing just because i knew he cared, because he may have been one of the few people who would drop everything to come and see you and when he asked how your day was, you knew he genuinely wanted to know. but most importantly, i’d tell him that i loved him, love him, and will always love him. i’d tell him that he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. i’d tell him that i am the luckiest girl in the world to have known him; to have gotten so close to him,” she finishes.