Bonnie and Damon pretending to be anchors for Retro News in 1994 is the cutest thing that any two people have ever done on TVD, couple or otherwise, liiiiike?
A bored, spunky little witch and a hulking vampire grouch who doesn’t want to admit he’s having fun fighting to be in the same frame and continuously switching between being cut-off or in a total state of Myspace Angles because of their height difference?
And making up news stories? And getting mad at each other for ruining a good take? And secretly trying to crack the other up?
So I was explaining to my boyfriend (who only listens to screamo music) how you can tell what kind of music different alternative bands play entirely based on the promotional pictures they take as a band. Then my best friend realized that I had accidentally created scarily accurate depictions of each band.
So first, you have your “too cool to look at the camera” bands; they also have a tendency to put their photos in black and white. These bands are the bands that are more likely to sound like incoherent mumbling with a sick beat. If you can manage to make out the incoherent mumbling then the words will make little to no sense to you until you start to really think about them, and you realize that they’re actually the most profound words you’ve ever heard before in your life.
Example: the 1975; “oh my car smells like chocolate.”
Example: the Arctic Monkeys; pick any of their lyrics. Any of them.
The Arctic Monkeys overlap with another type of band known as the “We’re a hardcore alternative band” in which one member of the band looks (or in Alex Turner’s case tries to look) tough, and makes the entire band seem like it might be able to be a rock band, but then their music begins and you realize that they are not.
Example: the Neighbourhood; “we say fuck in our songs, so hardcore” -sweater weather begins- “hardcore.”
Next we have the “Homeless” clause where you cannot tell if the promotional picture is a PSA to bring awareness to the growing homeless population, or a photo of a band. These bands can tend to have a rougher and more aggressive sound, which is allowed since at least one of their members generally has a full beard.
Example: The Kongos
Example: Bear Hands
Which brings us to our next section, the strange promo pictures. Bands who have quirky promotional pictures most likely tend to have a more quirky, unique sound.
Example: Vampire Weekend; the band that consists of white suburban dads who don’t have any kids
Example: New Politics
Example: Neon Trees
Example: Foster the People
Which brings us to our final category: the awkward band pictures. These bands are the bands that sound amazing and you love with all of your heart, but the lead singers are awkward in the cutest ways that make your heart melt because they remind you of little newborn deer who don’t quite understand how to walk yet.
Example: Bastille; aka I’m Dan Smith and I’m a little bit too awkward to function so I’m just going to sit here and look adorable and maybe no one will notice.
Example: Imagine Dragons; aka “I’m Dan Reynolds and we’re just a cute little Mormon band, and oh my goodness you guys are the greatest thank you so much for coming to the show I love you you’re all the best, and I love you and thank you so much and wow.”
Near Dark: Dusty blue collar midwestern outlaw vampire family of my heart. I actively try and seek out vampire media that turns away from the typical aristocratic european vampires and this kind of feels like the “American” answer to that–it’s so very American, in the best sense of use of setting and culture to shape the vampires. Also there’s a lot of unique mythology at play that I found pretty refreshing.
The Forsaken: More Americana vampires, but this is a more southwestern roadtrip adventure with a lot of heavy-homoeroticism between the two leads.
A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night: This is… the vampire movie of my heart. I don’t know how to describe it, but I thought going in it was about a female vampire protecting women from awful men and there’s elements of that, but I think it’s ultimate thesis is more about connection and the way we all connect, and it feels very John Hughes-y in some respects, but also does something fantastic with the human/vampire romance in the end I don’t want to spoil. Just go watch.
Only Lovers Left Alive: I struggle with parts of this movie (mostly the Christopher Marlowe/anti-Stratfordian stuff), but I love the take on how two vampires can mantain a relationship when they live forever and the different ways of dealing with immortality and how human nature doesn’t just get eroded away, but gets more intense–its depiction of depression is really heartrending.
Thirst: I heard some Vengeance Trilogy fans hate this movie and THEY ARE WRONG. This is honestly one of the best vampire movies I have ever seen. The main relationship is so fascinating and complex, and just. Vampire priest, ok? Vampire priest.
Interview With The Vampire: Most formative movie of my life. I think most people who are fans of vampire have seen this movie so I won’t say much about it, but I think it gets at the crux of why I love vampires.
Byzantium: Spiritual successor to Interview, but from the perspective of working class women. I love its complex look at the relationship between a mother and daughter that’s harsh and overprotective, but ultimately very much about love. There’s a lot of subtle interesting worldbuilding I would like to know more about, and a sweet fucked up vampire girl/fragile human boy romance, and Clara Webb is just a stunning character.
Let The Right One In: I don’t have words for this film, it’s so beautiful that it ends up haunting you for a very long time afterwards. Precious baby romances with tiny vicious vampires.
Fright Night (1985): I prefer this film to the remake if we’re talking about the depiction of vampires because here I actually hated the human protag and wanted the vampire to win, which was actually the opposite in the remake, so this is why the original makes the list. There’s a lot of interesting dynamics at play in this movie, especially when it pertains to sexuality and the homoeroticism, especially for the 80’s (like the mom makes a reference that Jerry and his human Reinfield, Billy, are probably boyfriends, while the movie removed Billy altogether and made Jerry HYPER-hetero, so).
The Lost Boys: Important to me. 80’s glam vampire gang trying to recruit new pretty teenage boys to join their pretty boy gang. Another quintessential movie everyone has seen, but still needs to be here.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula: I just like how OTT and flashy and lush everything about this film is. It’s so overindulgent and gratuitous in a lot of ways, but I don’t think it would work any other way. Also I actually like Keanu in this, which seems to be like an unpopular opinion, idk.
Shadow of the Vampire: Strange metatextual what-if Nosferatu was actually a documentary of an actual vampire. You kind of just have to go with it. It’s unique, to say the least.
What We Do In The Shadows: JUST GO WATCH IT. Loving beautiful satire of vampires that had me laughing non-stop I cried.
Dracula: Untold: I DON’T CARE I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Dracula is a cute married with Mirena and he’s a DAD. DAD!DRACULA. It’s cute, unironically adore it.
The Hamiltons/The Thompsons: Creepy, incestuous vampire families with interesting vampire lore trying to fit in with suburbia. These films are kind of low-budget, but for the lack of budget, there’s a lot of interesting ideas, great narratives, and good character work.
The Blade Series: Just go watch it. Vampire hunter who is part vampire himself trying to save the world from evil vampires, the reason the MCU even exists. Just go.
The Little Vampire: This is the cutest movie that ever was. Like a little boy befriends a little boy vampire and tries to help his vampire family so they can be human again. It’s great.
OKAY EVERYONE (YES MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN) I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YA’LL HOW BEEN FOR THE LAST 11 YEARS BUT IN 2003 THERE WAS THIS KICK ASS MOVIE CALL ‘SCARY GODMOTHER’ AND IT KICKED ASS.
ALSO A WONDERFUL CHILDREN’S BOOK
NOW THIS STORY IS ABOUT A LITTLE GIRL, NAMED HANNAH, WHO IS SWEET AS CAN BE AND LOVES HALLOWEEN BUT IS SCAReD OF MONSTERS SO SHE GOES WITH HER OLDER COUSIN AND HIS FRIENDS FOR TRICK AND TREATING BUT THEY THINK SHE WILL SLOW THEM DOWN SO THEY TRY TO GET RID OF HER BY SCARING HER OFF.
LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL. I LOVE YOU ^U^
THEN THERE IS THIS ASSHOLE, YOU DICK.
BUT NAH IT ALL GOOD IN THE END CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE JUST KIDS AND BACK TO THE STORY.
THESE KIDS LOCK HANNAH IN A SPOOKY HOUSE AND SHE STARTS CRYING BECAUSE SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL IN THE DARK ALL ALONE WHEN SUDDENLY WHO COMES TO SAVE THE DAY
THE SWEETEST MOST WONDERFUL GODMOTHER EVER THATS WHO. SHE COMES AND TAKES HANNAH TO THE FRIGHT SIDE AND TO SHOW HER ALL HER MONSTER FRIENDS.
THESE CHARACTERS ARE WONDERFUL!!!!
HARRY THE WEREWOLF WHO TALKS IN A SHAKESPEAREIAN MATTER AND EATS ANYTHING IN SIGHT
THE FAMILY OF VAMPIRES, KING, QUEEN, AND PRINCE OF THE NIGHT. MAX, RUBY, AND ORSON
orson is the cutest thing ever little bat of the night
BUGABOO THE MONTER THAT HANNAH IS VERY AFRAID OF HE IS AS DANGEROUS AS A BUTTERFLY
AND THE SKELETON MR.PETTIBONE
I VOTE FOR HIM AS THE KING OF THE SKELETON WAR!!!!!!
LEAD US OF GREAT LEADER!!!!
ANYWAY HANNAH GOES AND SEES THAT THE MONSTERS ARE NOT AS SCARY AS SHE THOUGHT AND THEY HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN WHILE THE OTHERS KIDS ARE WASTING THEIR HALLOWEEN WAITING FOR HANNAH TO COME SCARING OUT OF THE SPOOKY HOUSE UNAWARE THAT SHE IS WITH HER NEW FRIENDS.
IT GOES TO WHERE HANNAH EXAMPLES THAT SHE WAS SCARED OF MONSTERS BECAUSE HER COUSIN JINNYthat punk TOLD HER THAT MONSTERS ATE LITTLE GIRLS.
AND WHAT IS THE RESOLUTION TO MAKE HANNAH FEEL BETTER? IS IT FORGIVE AND FORGET? JUST EXAMPLE TO THE ODLER KIDS THAT IT IS NOT NICE TO BE MEAN TO LITTLE GIRLS? NOPE. THEY SCARE THE SUCKERS SKY HIGH BECAUSE IT IS HALLOWEEN.
AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL. HANNAH COMES IN AND SAVE THEM FORM THE 'MONSTERS’ AND KIDS ARE VERY SORRY THAT THEY LOCKED HANNAH IN THE SPOOKY HOUSE. IT ALL ENDS WITH THE KIDS GOIGN HOME THINKING THAT IT WAS JUST SOME OLDER KIDS SCARING THEM AND THINKING THEY KINDS DESERVED IT FOR SCARING HANNAH.
FOR A FILM THAT IS 11 YEARS OLD THE JOKES ARE STILL FUNNY, THE CHARACTERS ARE STILL MEMORABLE, AND IT IS JUST WONDERFUL CAUSE THEY SEE THAT A GOOD SCAR IS WELCOMED ONCE AND AWHILE.
THEY EVEN MADE A SEQUEL AND IT JUST AS GREAT IF NOT BETTER
THERE ARE NO REAL VILLAINS JUST SOME KIDS WHO NEED TO COOL DOWN A BIT. THE SEQUEL SHOWS HOW SCARY GODMOTHER WORKS HARD TO PAINT THE CLOUDS IN THE SKY JSUT RIGHT FOR AUTUMN AND SHE BAKES ALL THE LEAVES ON THE TREES SO THEY ARE NICE AND CRISPY TO JUMP INTO.
SHE SAVES CHILDREN FROM FEAR, SHE HAS HER OWN LAYER (THE FRIGHT SIDE, A VERY HOMEY HOUSE WHERE SHE CAN HAVE ANY COMPANY), SHE STOPS EXISTING WHENEVER HALLOWEEN IS TAMPERED WITH AND SHE HAS WONDERFUL FRINDS WHO HELPS HER WITH HER HOLIDAY.
SEE HER WITH JACK TELLING HIM AND OLSON TO BE CARFUL WHEN FLYING, OR WITH TOOTH KNITTING COBWEBS AND HAVING TEA, OR WITH BUNNYMUND AND GROWING PUMPKINS AND OTHER VEGETABLES, AND WITH NORTH BAKING COOKIES AND OTHER GOODIES, AND WITH SANDY FLYING IN THE SKY.
Imagine this story: beautiful, intelligent woman has her mind ravaged over the years by her supernatural connection to death. She falls in love with a vampire who falls back so hard that he offers to turn her because he can’t let her suffer. They do it at a seaside cabin in Northern Mexico. In spite of early hiccups, she adjusts, and they’re happy. They even talk about getting married because hell, why not, they’re gonna be together forever and there was the cutest off-white dress in a boutique in Pacific Place.
They run their little tattoo parlor and hunt together at night and drink all night and fuck for half the morning, until they’re sated and purring. Immortality is the best. They plan vacations, years long, meandering and relaxing and stimulating and exotic. Mulled wine in the Swiss Alps and lazing on beaches in Indonesia. Floating down the Nore rugged up in Irish wool and nursing glasses of Bushmills’ Malt.
And then one day, less than a year later, the girl comes home to find her love ashy gray and lifeless on the floor of the tattoo shop, with a stake in his heart.
Okay so I was thinking and I thought this would be really cool? I don’t know, you guys were busy and I wanted to try it.
Skylar was sat firmly in the center of the bar, his legs crossed and his fingers picking at the shirt skirt. He was grinning wide at the boys in the room, who were all giving him little glances. He was obviously very feminine, and his features were striking- all the way down to his pointed teeth. He didn’t bother hiding them, he usually just said they were part of his outfit. Skylar was old, not extremely old, but old. He’d changed somewhere around the late 80′s early 90′s, and couldn’t quite remember much before. He was strong to, having been a witch before, and a damn good one at that, and now a tough vampire. He was doing well. He was hunting tonight, which he seemed to be exceedingly good at while in a skirt, since he could tell there were a few boys who were more than a little interested in him. He glanced at his little friend, who he’d found not long ago, slightly confused and dazed. Aaron was his favorite. He was small, and thin, and had the cutest voice. He had been turned not long ago, from what skylar could tell, and was slightly thankful for it given that he wasn’t born with the parts he had then, and didn’t need to do anything else to keep them because he was dead now. Skylar could tell that much anyway. Aaron looked up at him and waved a little, blushing softly when skylar shifted. His skirt moved higher. Aaron wasn’t interested in Skylar, but he couldn’t deal with people being attracktive, and he generally got flustered when he saw someone like Skylar. So he looked away quickly and went back to his food.
Imagine Hide popping out of the corner, going “RAWR” and startling Kaneki before he composes himself again. He’s wearing vampire fangs and smiling, making the fangs even more visible. “Happy Halloween!” Hide shouts excitingly. Kaneki chuckles softly before returning the greeting. Hide moves and wraps his arms around Kaneki and presses their foreheads together; this type of intimacy is common for them now. Hide asks, “So? Do I look cute or what?” Prompting Kaneki to a swift bark of laughter only for him to kiss the tip of Hide’s nose to show he means nothing bad by laughing. “The cutest,” Kaneki confirms. Hide smile brightens.
Later in the day, Hide pounces on Kaneki, who is lying the couch reading a book, and exclaims, “I will suck your blood” and nibbles on Kaneki’s neck. Kaneki can’t help but break out into boisterous laughter while gasping out, “Hide, Hide” in between his laughs. Once it’s all over, the winded Kaneki is given a couple of minutes to gather himself, and Hide has replaced his ticklish nibbles with soft kisses. Kaneki runs his hands through Hide’s honey locks and guides Hide face closer for their lips to meet.
“You’re really asking for it, my little vampire,” Kaneki teases Hide as one of Kaneki’s hands move from Hide’s hair to his face to caress Hide’s cheek.
“I’m glad you finally noticed, my little ghoul,” Hide teases back but is rewarded blushing Kaneki.
They spend the rest of the night making lame Halloween puns as they make-out on the couch