About 2 months ago, maybe a little more I stopped being best friends with my best friend. Friends fight and we had fought before but we always seemed to find each other again. This time was different this time we didn’t find each other.
You never think your best friend would be the person who tears your heart up, breaks it into a million pieces, and stomps on it till there is nothing left but mush. You never picture yourself to be the person to do it back. But we did. We hurt each other over and over and over to make one of us feel better as if we were “winning”. But all we were doing was destroying all possibilities of fixing the tear in our friendship. All we did was make a bigger hole.
You spend your whole life with someone that you start to take them and your connection for granted. Until you have nights where you knew they would be there for you, where they would put you back onto the right path. But they aren’t there anymore.
It may not hit you right away. The whole missing them thing. It could take days, weeks, months maybe even years. But you’ll get to that point. You can say many things to yourself to make you think different.
“You are strong, you don’t need her, you don’t miss her, you never want her back in your life, things are easier without her.” But it’s all fake. You are strong but you are stronger with her. You may not need her now but you will, time will tell. You may not want her back in your life right now, but try to picture someone else as your maid of honour or someone else watching your kids when you grow up. You don’t miss her? Wait till the memories come up on Facebook from 1,2,3,4 years ago, look how happy you 2 were. Thing might be easier right now but who’s gonna be there for you when things get tough?
One late night when nothing seems to be going right and for some god-forsaken reason you are looking through your photos you’ll see her. You’ll see the picture of you and her and you’ll crack a smile . You don’t know why but you will. A bunch of images and laughs will all scatter your brain. You will remember the night you showed up at her house at 4 am to make sure she was ok, or the night she stayed on the phone with you for hours and listened to you cry over the stupid boy. You’ll remember all the stupid memories like the first time you 2 got drunk and drunk dialled all the boys who “f**ked you over in 2015” or the time you put your hand prints in each other’s closets to never forget . And after you crack you smile maybe laugh a little you’ll get a pain.
A pain so deep in your stomach it’s unreal. You’ll feel your face tighten up as you get ready for the tears. You’ll feel you whole body freeze in pressure as your brain thinks. Thinks about the decisions you 2 have made. Was it really worth the IG post?
Was it really Worth it to post a screenshot of her post and hashtag it “#yourplayin’”? Or completely make the other person seem like a idiot on social media? Did you feel fabulous after it? Huh? Did it make you feel awesome to embarrass a girl you loved for sooo many years to get a couple “rt” at the bottom of a stupid picture that no one will remember 2 weeks from then but you and her?
You’re going to regret it. Regret the moment you didn’t decide to be the bigger person and apologize. You’re gonna regret the first time you let the words “ihateher” spit out of your mouth. You’re gonna regret everyone someone said her name and your response was “oh her”. Because it all seems so stupid. Why would you ever do something so cruel to someone who meant so much to you?
So to the friend that I hurt but equally hurt me back, I’m sorry. I know there is a point of no forgiveness. I know we reached that point but I’m still sorry. Life goes and people stay and people leave and growing up I sure as hell never thought I’d lose you. And maybe it’s better this way but who knows? I’m sorry I broke your heart more than a guy probably ever has, I’m sorry I made you feel lonely, I’m sorry I put other people’s views on “our breakup story” before the thought of how you would feel.
Dear ex bff, I’m sorry.