And it crossed my mind once, to beg you to stay.
To run to your house, fall to my knees and cry my heart out and ask you to take me back.
But I know I could never do that. I am a proud person, and I do not beg.
Hey guys, I don’t think I have done one of these with out venting. Sorry about that. so what I want to talk about personal is my mental state and thoughts on being single. Mentally, I am actually doing a lot better from the vents I have been putting out. I got what was ripping me up out of the way but not as I would have done it but closer has been set there. So, my mind has seem to being stabled out into a happier place. How I feel about being single now is to let what happens, happen. Who ever you are out there, who is my soul mate. I can’t wait to met you and love you till me drop, I’ll wait till my breath runs out. Till then,I have some a lot of really great friends that I am thankful for. I am the happiest I could ever ask for.
This last few weeks I binge watched all seasons of Supernatural and every convention video I could find but today I stumbled upon Gishwhes. Now let me tell you how amazed I am by this one idea. A scavenger hunt which not only brings out our creative hearts and minds but also unites strangers into being friends and leaves people all over the world shocked, standing there not believing what they see.
Misha Collins is one of the few people that inspire me. But never in my life have I experienced this amount of inspiration. A man who spreads positivity & love, and gets us to do things out of our comfort zone. A man who is the “no” in “normal” because life is to short and the world is to big to live a “normal” life. He inspires to be who you are and embrace everything about it. He inspires to help people and be kind, but always give in to be random. He inspires to let your inner child out and connect with people. He is the kind of person who inspires to create a bucket list.
I’ve had many phases in which I gained inspiration and decided to take a turn but this time it’s different. I don’t need to be calm and meditate. I don’t need to be super confident and mysterious. I don’t need to be anything but who I am. I don’t need to compare.
With you, there are days when the line dividing us between friends and lovers blur, and maybe you don’t feel it but I do. I feel the way my ribcage parts open whenever you’re around and the way my heart beats so loudly as if it was an invitation for you to notice that I am more than someone who you can tell your deepest secrets to, that I could be one of them. I wish that you could hold me closer than you hold our promises, and I wish that you would dare to love me the way we dared each other to jump off into the deep end of the swimming pool because I am still holding my breath underwater, waiting to see if you’re still with me. Every day I open my eyes and wonder if I’ll ever get to see you lying next to me without a pillow between our bodies. Every night I fall asleep wondering if these dreams would ever become a reality. Every time I get to call you my best friend, I break into a smile but behind it all, I can feel myself wanting to call you something more.
Last movie watched: moana!!!1 Last song listened to: somewhere in the crowd, which is from the soundtrack of la la land!! Last book I read: milk and honey by rupi kaur :) Last thing I ate: cheese HAHA i do love my cheese One good thing that happened today: i found out what cat i am. apparently i am a turkish van If I could be anywhere in the world right now: in a library, in a corner, minding my own business with tea If I could time travel to any period of time: HAHA yikes well i guess you could take me back to a time where i was first. someone who said “anywhere you want to” when i asked them where they wanted to eat. where i sat in their car, stealing shotgun, splurging on creampuffs, drinking out of the same tea, laughing and teasing about how we’d send each other to jupiter, late night pokemon hunting, speeding on roads to get me back home on time, singing songs together with his guitar, and i really missed the way my eyes crinkled when he wrote a song and sang it for me when i was sick. take me back to secret piano lessons, surprise visits, and all those times ive listened to them play send in the clowns.
To let you ask me
who I am, like it isn’t the
first time. You are the first
time. To tell the dusk the truth:
I accept everyone but
myself. Tuck trauma between
my ribs thinking I’ll stand straighter.
Compare consistency to fables.
I want to kiss you into changing
your mind. Would I have to? My
favorite pastime is exaggerating
friendships into love poems and
editing out their names. Do I
have to? Like they didn’t know it.
Like they never felt it. My intuition
is my deepest lover, but leave me alone
in a room long enough and I’ll come
out saying no one wanted me. Leave
me surrounded in public long enough
and I’ll come home believing no one
wanted me. To pretend I believe you
back. To pray until dawn. I would
title this with your name, if I could.