who am i kidding im not done

zen
  • hoseok: i am so done with this stupid game.
  • //phone rings//
  • hoseok: I AM HERE, ZEN. I AM HERE!
  • yoongi: I thought you dumped mystic messenger?
  • hoseok: you don't understand, hyung. Zen needs me! Like can you believe that echo girl accused him harassment and the poor boy didn't do anything?!
  • yoongi: echo... who?
  • hoseok: EXACTLY!
Confession

I haven’t gone outside in over a year. I haven’t left the house. I’m 19, I graduated HS in June 2015.My senior year was complete shit, I failed all my classes except the ones I needed for credit. So I got my diploma but didn’t walk the stage.
At first I felt badass about it, it was a form of rebelling against my peers and questioning what important milestones really meant.
I had been such a viciously quiet, timid socially awkward person throughout my whole life . I still am. It was a silent fuck you to everyone who thought I was just a nice kid. A nice kid to step on, and stutter back in silence. I’ve done everything I’ve been asked of. By counselors , teachers. They didn’t give a crap. Go to college, go to college, go to college. Hold up! Let me breathe!! I was tired of running trying to catch up with everyone . Im not the brightest I’ve always been kinda slow.
I’m not a good person. I hate the intrusive thoughts that I get sometimes, I’ve had them since I was 12 and they intensified during high school.
I’m just so scared. Of who I am and of everyone.
I see my peers on social media in school, having fun. While I’m here, wasting away slowly. I’m strangely contended and disgusted with what I’ve done. Which is nothing with my life.
Now I think, How will I explain this gap in my work resume. They’re gonna know I’m full of shit, since based on how socially stunted I am.
I want to go to school, get a job, but I’m scared and lazy.
My parents are embarrassed and my older sibling probably pats her back and says “ well, at least I’m not the black sheep.”
I don’t know what to do with my life. That’s lie. I know but I probably won’t do it.

i dunno… been having a lot of anxiety again as an arab american since november. like i’ve discussed before, growing up as a kid post 9/11 was a really shitty experience for me. that’s when i realized that not only was i different from my peers, but the things that made me different were perceived as flaws. all the things that were said and done to me and my family will never go away, neither will all the time and effort i had to spend learning to love myself and undo years of being ashamed of who i am. so here i am at 23 and im changing my name on FB bc i used to go by my first name and middle name (to throw off potential employers but a bitch is getting paid, so…), which is Jehad. Jehad is my dad’s name. well, he changed the spelling from Jihad bc he thought people wouldn’t tell the difference (never asked people if it worked, don’t super care). jihad means struggle. it’s funny bc in islam (from what i understand, please correct me if i’m wrong) jihad is also a spiritual struggle we must conquer, which leads us to enlightenment. anyone who knows me well knows i do what i want, when i want and i don’t really care about how others take it (to a fault, like maybe i should lol) but i’ve had a lot of anxiety lately about my middle name. i had to get fingerprinted for work and when the tech saw my middle name, he asked me if i was born in the US and was pretty uncomfortable. for the first time in a long time i actually felt kind of scared. and a secondary shame, which is bullshit bc i didn’t choose to be an arab. i’m proud of who i am and where my parents come from. white nonsense shouldn’t make me feel this way, no one should make me feel this way. but alas this is trump’s america and i feel like that confused, scared 3rd grader again and i’m not into it. anyway, i felt like maybe talking about stuff like this would make me feel better. i’m scared to travel honestly. i’m scared to really be myself in a lot of ways, but i thought my arab identity crisis was vintage, but i guess not in trump’s america.

I was tagged by the ever wonderful @oisugasuga :D thank youuuu ^O^

Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… And most importantly, have fun!

tagging @merryfortune @goshikisbangs @altean-praeila @lifeisbawl @killuay @cosmogonalley @cassbz @akaashi-tooru

a - age: 17 :oo

b - biggest fear: i am a Mess when it comes to fears, im full on claustraphobic, etophobic, needles and failure (ayeee anxiety how you doing)

c - current time: 9:17 pm

d - drink you last had: le wat er :d

e - every day starts with: regretting getting out of bed :d (i kid coffee on school days and water anytime else)

f - favourite song:  Mercury by Sleeping At Last

g - ghosts, are they real: idk D:

h - hometown: hometown what hometown

i - in love with: im arospec, most of my love extends to fictional characters and extremely affectionate love, plus my loser girlfriend

j - jealous of: ??? people who are confident??? like how???

k - killed someone: not your secret to know now is it :p

l - last time you cried: asdfgfh freaking fanfiction i swear to god, i think i cried laughing XD

m - middle name: don’t have one, i didn’t even know those existed until a few years ago

n - number of siblings: uno!

o - one wish: pROTECT MY CHILDREN

p - person you last called/texted: my brother (i couldn’t find him, turns out he was literally just further away to the right of me)

q - questions you’re always asked: how old are you? and where are you from? (my accent is pretty international i think)

r - reasons to smile: if the day was bad kick its ass by making tomorrow better

s - song last sung: some hsm song idek anymore XD

t - time you woke up: fIVE AM bc guess what, mosquitos exist and apparntly my lip is a good spot

u - underwear colour: nude coloured??

v - vacation destination: wanna really go to somewhere really green and peaceful with mountains

w - worst habit: ,,,i have so many oh lord, uuh biting my nails??

x - x-rays you’ve had: teeth, nose and rib cage + chest cavity

y - your favourite food: @ friend im the ocmpletely oppsite i despite seafoodadsfgh i freaking adore tabouleh okay and anything with pasta,,,

z - zodiac sign: gemini!! birthday buddies with the one and only suga ^o^

this was fun thank youuuu

Dear Parents,

you tell me to stop watching spongebob and kid shit?????saying im too old to watch it?????yet when I watch the news and voice an opinion on politics and junk???im too young to understand????what is it you are wanting from me exactly????did I miss the meeting on what the actual fuck????

Sincerely,

Daughter who is done with your bullshit logic.

dobrevninas  asked:

favorite song from teen wolf and favorite lydia, malia, kira and allison outfits!

omfg i have so many favorite songs from teen wolf, if i had to choose one it would have to be “start of time” because it literally has become so iconic and important and vital lol but theres so many!!

oMG outfits wait theres also so many idek what to do rn lmfao so here goes

lydia- i love her outfit in 3x15 but also loved her outfit esp her half bun with her outfit in 6x05 and also was huge fan of her 6x01 look so ok im cheating bc i who am i kidding i love everything lydia martin has ever worn and/or done AND LIKE YOU GUYS….THE PEACOAT
malia- honestly i loved her 4x07 look, looking back on it
kira- 5x07 camo jacket with floral skirt bc i love mixing patterns
allison- i loved her look in 3x01 back at school with the denim shirt and also i loved her 3x23 outfit :///// and that time she wore overalls for a hot second

thanks love! :)

send me “what’s your favorite…” asks :)

2

Multi racial (Korean,Filipino,Salvadorian,Peruvian,black) Pan,she/her
I grew up having a difficult time with my identity,being called white,some hard stares.Often times ill get this and before i even answers they’ll start the guessing game lmaooo.Anyway i just graduated highschool!Im done with some of those racists and ignorant kids.I cant say those last four years were the best.Often i get to scared to even tell people,what exactly am mix with.But i know my worth and who i am.I shouldn’t be afraid and feel proud.I dont need to show any proof at all.I love you all and all are strong.Thank you for showing your beautiful faces and showing love.I followed this blog for years and i cant help but think…wow…im so happy this exist.Have a wonderful day and lets support each other always.