who am i kidding i will never be ready for school

Confession

I don’t understand whats the big deal with saying you don’t want kids. Yes I am only 14 years old, but when I think of my future I can never imagine kids being involved. I am the type of person who would rather play with dogs than with children. I feel very uncomfortable around babies and I can only tolerate looking at them. I don’t want to hold them, play with them or anything. My aunt is staying with us for a month and she recently had a baby. The baby sleeps with me in my room. I have to wake up at 5 in the morning to get ready for school and every 2 hours I get woken up by the baby. This only proves to me that I will not be able to handle a baby. Unlike everybody else in my house I don’t have the patience to deal with this.

Despite everybody being very well aware that I am just not very fond of kids they all expect me to want them. My mom feels my lack of desire to have kids is selfish. My parents aren’t the main reason why I don’t want kids but they are way up there on the list of reasons. My siblings and I only made their lives way harder than it used to be. Before we came to live with our parents in America they were living an easy and carefree life, then we came and everything just went downhill from there. They aren’t as financially stable as they used to be and from the memories I have of when we first came, they aren’t as happy either. My parents are very very close to a divorce. My mom loves to complain about how she regrets having kids. She loves bringing up how before we came their life used to be so easy. There weren’t any dishes in the sink, they had money to travel, and blah blah blah. When I was younger I used to feel guilty when she said things like this but now I feel absolutely no sympathy for them. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world and neither did my siblings. They chose to have 4 kids. Its their fault their lives are as hard as they are now. I just dont understand why my mom cares if whether or not I have kids. I would’ve assumed she wouldn’t want me to have kids and live a hard life like them.

If at any point in my life I want a kid I will not conceive a child. I would much rather adopt. Not a baby of course, I would much rather adopt a kid between the ages of 8-11. Even if I decide to adopt its not gonna happen while I’m in my 20s. This will only happen while I’m in my mid to late 30s. I have to have the financial stability to not only raise this child, but also still have money to take care of my self and have fun.