How a four year old brought me to my knees.

So some good stuff has been happening lately, a few things are in motion and I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself. Getting a little bit of a big head.

Anyway. My boss’s daughter was at the store on wednesday, telling me all about her 4th birthday party on thursday, as we were drawing together on a big sheet of paper. She was drawing monsters, and I asked her if it was cool if I drew some sunhats on said monsters. She seemed okay with it, so I did. She then put her hand on mine, looked at me, and said:

“You don’t know how to draw, do you?

And I came crashing down to earth in about .5 seconds. Oh, and when we finished our drawings and signed them, she informed me that my name was Butt and made me write it. So it was Monsters by Thalia and Butt.

I love that kid.

I’ve seen a lot of talk/jokes about Luke running away from his problems and going into exile between RotJ and TFA. But I think what Luke did (depending on what more we learn about it in Episode 8, of course) is fundamentally different than what Obi-Wan and Yoda did.

In the original trilogy, Luke has a very personalized relationship with the Force. Compared to the Jedi in the old Order, who grow up surrounded by other Jedi, he’s taught almost nothing. And he rejects what he learns, specifically the Order’s idea of the Dark Side, almost immediately, convinced that Vader can’t be irrevocably lost. For me, Luke’s drive to move beyond the rigidity of the old Jedi’s view of the Force is the single most compelling thing about his character.

So what happens after RotJ? Luke starts training new Jedi, until one of those children falls to the Dark Side and destroys everything he’s built. He then goes off into exile to wait until Rey seeks him out for training (at least on a story level; I personally don’t think Luke knew Rey was alive). Sounds pretty much like Obi-Wan and Yoda, right?

For me, Han’s line that “the people who knew [Luke] best think he went looking for the first Jedi temple” makes all the difference. Luke wasn’t running away from his problems. Rather, everything blew up in his face, and he realized that his own view of and knowledge of the Force was inadequate. Inadequate to fight against the new threat of Snoke, and inadequate to prepare him to guide his students as they faced moral dilemmas of their own and developed their own unique relationships with the Force.

So Luke leaves, not to wait it out, but to learn more about the Force and the Jedi, so that when he returns to the conflict he will be better equipped. And my favorite part - his quest is not to learn more about the Jedi Order before the fall of the Empire, the one that failed his father, and that was losing sight of the spiritual and personal nature of the Force. Instead, Luke seeks out the very roots of the Jedi, to learn what they believed about the Force before those beliefs were twisted by millennia of politics.

I can’t wait to see what Luke’s relationship with the Force has become.

Last night late thoughts....

When I feel this hopeless, I have this odd way of thinking that like she did with her friends, Kate would tell me to buck up and get on with my life. Life is tough but you have GOT to keep paddling that canoe and deal with it just like I did, she might say. I think about how she helped Judy while she was very much down in life, and I also think about quotes from her / those little encouraging written notes to friends I have read online - I replay everything in my head like a broken record when I feel like throwing in the towel. Anybody can tell you that you’ll be alright and how you need to help yourself, but when I think about Katharine Hepburn telling me it, it becomes that much more meaningful. The world may remember her as that great actress in all those movies with all those oscars, but that’s not only what I remember her as.

Thank you, Miss Hepburn…you don’t know how much you help me.

unmcde asked:

meeting bucky for the first time!

alright here’s a meme idea: send me a name and my muse will tell you what it was like meeting them for the first time. ( @unmcde )

❝  he isn’t TRANSPARENT; those haunted baby blues were so bright against the scrub of his war torn face. barnes is younger than he pretends, but then, even the most veteran of his comrades carry that weight on shoulders and spine.

james barnes eyes could lift skies and suns; but what i can’t tell is if the remaining light within them is filled ADORE or RESENTMENT when his gaze is settled upon steve rogers. he would walk with this man to the ends of the earth, but he doesn’t seem to TRUST the others who would only recently accompany them on their journey.  ❞

laptop update: i’m going to meet with someone tomorrow who should at least be able to tell me what the problem is/whether or not the hard drive is salvageable. thank you so so much for all of the advice and the generous offers, and i will definitely start to work through those once i know more.

but seriously, some of the help you guys have offered… you don’t even know me personally, and yet out of the kindness of your heart you’re lending a helping hand. it’s completely staggering and i’m so very humbled by it. i hope you know what amazing people you are, and i really hope you’ve got people in your life to remind you of that fact. you deserve the world.

You can actually tell alot about someone from their OTPs

No but really. I just had very intense and suprisingky very interesting discussion about shipping with one person who is kinda problematic white cishet guy. So I wasn’t expecting much, but wow. He actually listened to me talking about problematic ships (he has some of those) and then I just tried something. And it works.

You can actually analyze someone’s rl relationship “goals” or however you might call it by list of at least four of their favourite ships. We tried it on each other and then on ourselves and as I used to date him (very problematic relationship btw, but it helped me in the end to find our I was actually pretty much very gay) and it definetly suited us and he got the point why problematic/abusive ships shouldn’t be shipped so much.

I think this has been surely done before, analyzing what shipping says about people. But I found it really interesting and just wanted to share my observations with you. I think he learned alot and I’ll totally try to use this discussion and analysis method again to make him less problematic.


In my very worthless opinion it’s a matter of national security that people be armed and trained. For our people. Not for our country. Not for this stolen land. Not for the government. Not for any other reason really. We were an idea- a country for lack of anything better founded by men who didn’t agree with oppression. They were hypocrites yes but men of principle none the less. They warned us about a militarized police force. They warned us about false patriotism. If anything they were mad correct with the direction this nation would take. But their secret societies have also evolved, I’m sure their agenda hasn’t changed it never will but you can’t possibly believe those men knew the ins and outs of their orders five thousand percent, and if they did I think it’s pertinent information if they ever became inactive. Anyways, they warned us. Look at the state of our current affairs globally and tell me that keeping us docile and weak- very sheeplike- is helping us at all? It isn’t! We need to rally, as people coming together, fuck a banner or a group or a title. We all ought to share the same idea when it comes to the safety of our people, oppression, all that we have, etc. What I’m saying is men need principle. I’m not religious, but I’ve delved into some of my own accord, every one has taught me a lot of the ways of men and myself. The new age deception has taught me about a lot of men but exponentially more about myself. There are powerful lessons to be learned for those of you who aren’t connected to yourselves. I implore you to adopt principles. Become men and women of principle. You would never regret it. It can’t possibly ruin you. It’s only going to make you that much MORE as a human being, and we are all human beings