Never Drinking Again

“Never drinking again.” This phrase by now has no meaning whatsoever. Why do we even say that after a wild night out? Maybe just to feel better about ourselves and pretend for a little while that we are a better person today than the person we were the 12 hours earlier. We are just attempting to recover a little bit of our dignity back and we start making silly promises that sadly don’t last long enough.

Five reasons why I should stick to juice boxes and let others handle my alcohol:

1. When I’m drunk I say embarrassing things. If you ever hang out with me and get me drunk chances are you will learn more about me than you really should. Why do I do this? I don’t know. I just like to share information and share my entire life with strangers. All I know is the next day I wake up and start getting flashbacks of conversations I held the night before and I’m like “did I really say that?” Every time I just wish I could disappear but since that’s not possible all I do is try to ignore the fact and hope everyone has short-term memory or Alzheimer’s - maybe I should party at retirement homes instead.

2. When I’m drunk I like to think I’m not and even though I can’t even see straight I continue drinking and wanting to dance. Tripping over myself is also my signature move. No wonder I wake up with so many random bruises. My lack of judgement also leads me to giving my number to guys who I would never even talk to when sober. That’s why you need your best friends with you at all times so they can keep them at bay. All of this only leads to me feeling like death and planning my funeral the next day.

3. When I’m drunk for some reason I throw my phone as if it was unbreakable. First of all, having your phone out while having couple of drinks is a horrible idea for so many reasons. For example, when I’m attempting to text after two or three tequila shots I completely forget how to form complete, logical sentences, and forget what’s appropriate and inappropriate to say. I also forget where the letters are, how to spell words (nothing that autocorrect can’t handle), and I’m usually texting a message that most of the time would be better left off unsaid. Once I come to the realization that I’m probably doing something stupid with my phone I just throw it to the floor, as if that would stop it from sending the message. Another thing that usually happens is my phone slips off my fingers, as if the 3.95 ounces that the iPhone 5 weighs was too much for my tiny hands to carry. The next day I freak out while trying to resuscitate my phone and once I get it to work I praise God for being so good to me.

4. When I’m drunk I forget all about calories, diets, and think everything is fat free. This can be good and/or bad - if you eat all the greasy food before you start drinking, the grease coats your stomach slowing down the absorption of alcohol (perhaps I should thank it for not letting me die), and most of the times you throw it up anyways so it doesn’t matter at all. However, when you don’t and when it doesn’t even help you with the hangover you just feel like an overweight failure and feel like you need to lose 25 lbs. Comfort food rarely leaves you comforted. This is by far the worst feeling ever.

5. And finally the next day I find myself to be mentally and physically impaired. I’m literally a dehydrated vegetable. My go-to routine for when I’m in situations like these is calling my BFF and getting him to bring all the Smart Water he can find, cans and cans of Diet Coke, and well this is nothing the Gods from Chipotle can’t fix.

If we know exactly what happens when we drink, why do we do it? I get it, but like, I don’t “get it, get it.”

Till next weekend betches.