Presidential Candidate Cthulhu, dark lord of R'lyeh, expressed joy today over his decisive victory in Iowa. With untold numbers of homes and businesses destroyed and millions dead and dying, the Elder God feels as though, and I quote, ‘The Fires will burn ceaselessly. The sounds of drums play in the minds of those still clinging onto life, never slowing or halting, rather driving them down the path to ruin and despair. None shall oppose me. All shall tremble.’
If that’s not a campaign promise I can get behind, I don’t know what is!

Time for Hill to dump Bill

If Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton doesn’t give her husband the political boot, she risks losing progressives, says columnist and USA TODAY Board of Contributors member David Person. “If Mrs. Clinton plans to continue touting her progressive bona fides,” Person explains, “she must account for her husband’s political legacy.”