whilst i should have been working

Dishwasher Safe

A/N: the basis of the this fic was borrowed from elsewhere. But I asked permission…. Well, I’m made @castielspahdehrah ask permission for me. If it’s well received I may be persuaded to write another part.

“I really need to go and clean the kitchen," you sighed, not wanting to move. The dishwasher needed emptying and various pots and pans needed putting back into their proper places.

"I’ll go, you cooked. Plus I should do more around here really seeing as you won’t take any rent from me,” your friend and colleague Spencer hauled himself up off the couch. He’d been staying with you for the last three weeks whilst his apartment building was having some work done on it. He hadn’t asked, you’d offered when you found out he was planning on moving into a hotel for the two months the renovations would take. You had a spare room and you two got on well enough, it made sense.

“I’m not gonna argue with you there. Bring me more wine please,” you smiled sweetly and relaxed back into the cushions.

A few moments later you could hear him clattering around in the kitchen and you closed your eyes, relaxing.

“What the….. What the hell?”

What now? Wearily you pushed yourself up and walked over to the kitchen, seeing Spencer with a bright purple silicone implement in his hand.

Whoops, you’d forgotten that had been in there.

“Is this…. Oh my God it is,” realising what he was holding, Spencer tossed it onto the counter top, a look of mild disgust on his face.

“Hey, don’t treat George like that. He needs to be treated with love and care,” you entered the kitchen and grabbed your toy.

“Why the hell was it in the dishwasher Y/N?”

“Because it needed cleaning?” well duh.


He wasn’t angry, more……a mixture of shocked and confused.

“Well not all of them. Only my dildos. It’s the best place for them. They’re dishwasher safe so…. Saves me having to boil them.”

“But… but…. but.”

“Oh come on Spencer. You know more than anyone how important it is for things to be properly cleaned. How germs are everywhere. You didn’t even shake my hand for weeks when I first started because of all the evil germs you were scared I’d transmit to you. You wouldn’t want me putting an unclean dildo into my vagina would you?”

“No, of course not…. Wait what?” he now looked appalled, his cheeks flushing red.

“Sex toy hygiene is very important to me.”

He blinked a few times, looking to the toy in your hand and then to the plates on the side that he’d emptied out.

“I presume that had been used when it went into the machine?”

“Well I gave it quick rinse under the tap before I stuck it in the dishwasher but yeah.”

“Right.” He turned back to the plates and started loading them back into the machine.

“What are you doing?” although it was very obvious what he was doing.

“I can’t eat off the same plates that have been washed in the same water as your…. as your…. ”


He nodded.

“And why not? The water’s hot. It would have sterilised everything. I don’t have cooties you know, Reid.”

“I know you don’t but…”

“And,” you stepped closer to him. “As a grown man I’m quite certain that you’re not unfamiliar with the taste of a woman’s…. juices. Not that you would be able to taste anything because like I say, the water will have cleaned it all.”

He flushed a deeper red.

“So what’s the problem Spencer?”

“It’s weird okay! You’re my friend, my work colleague. I don’t want to be eating off things that have been washed in the same water as your used dildo.”

“So if we were dating would it be different?” this was fun.

“I don’t know! Maybe!”

“Well that’s good to know.” You waited for him to finish reloading the dishwasher. Which he hadn’t emptied or loaded himself all week so didn’t know what you did.

“Spencer…. ”


“Just so you know, George has been in there for a few cycles already. I forgot that I’d put him in there last week.”

With that, you skipped off towards the bedroom to place George back in the drawer with his brothers and sisters, leaving Spencer spluttering to himself as the penny dropped in his brain.


Request: could you do an imagine based on the song friends by ed sheeran? i feel like it could be interesting

Word count: 799

Warnings: Angst?? Definite fluff

I’m sorry its late out, but I have been doing drama performances all week, and school work, whilst coping with serious school drama so you’ll have to forgive me. I should have another request out today! Love y’all, enjoy!

Song: Friends by Ed Sheeran

Originally posted by alienphaan

We’re not, no we’re not friends, nor have we ever been.

We just try to keep those secrets in a lie,

And if they find out, will it all go wrong?

And Heaven knows, no one wants it to.

You sat on your bed and sniff, wiping away tears that have spilled from your eyes. You knew being with Dan would always be difficult due to his fame on the internet, but not that difficult. You had a photo clutched in your hand, memories built around it. You are grinning at the camera, Dan staring at you lovingly, both of you standing next to the Eiffel Tower. You had gone on a trip, Phil coming along to make it seem less suspicious if anyone found out. Your fingers were laced together. Only a few hours after the photo was taken, you shared your first kiss with each other. You wished people could know, that the Phandom knew, but it was too risky.

So I could take the back road

But your eyes will lead me straight back home.

And if you know me like I know you

You should love me, you should know.

You placed down the photo and leaned back, wrapping your arms around yourself like you wished Dan was. You had tried to be ‘just friends’ so many times, even tried not talking to each other at all, but it just didn’t work. You always ended up the same, in his arms, whispering apologies and sweet nothings. God knows, you just had such a deep connection it was impossible not to be together. You knew you probably loved him, truly, and that he probably loved you too.

Friends just sleep in another bed,

And friends don’t treat me like you do.

Well I know that there’s a limit to everything,

But my friends won’t love me like you.

No, my friends won’t love me like you.

You never actually made it official. You were always ‘friends’, but you shared kisses, moments of intimacy, so much love. But obviously, you were only friends, nothing more, nothing less. Anyone else would call you both stupid, it was obvious you couldn’t just stay like this, in a constant circle, that you should just give in and let it happen. You wished you could.

We’re not friends, we could be anything.

If we try to keep those secrets safe.

No one will find out if it all went wrong.

They’ll never know what we’ve been through.

If you tried to be together, it wouldn’t be you or Dan being the problem, it would be in the internet. If anything happened, anything went wrong, anyone found out something, everything would be so much worse than it would be if it was just the two of you. When your love life becomes the worlds too, anything could happen. You must be careful, and you didn’t want to be careful. You wanted to be free with him.

But then again, if we’re not friends,

Someone else might love you too.

And then again, if we’re not friends,

There’d be nothing I could do, and that’s why

You wouldn’t be able to cope with Dan being with someone else, seeing him look at them like he should be looking at you. You didn’t want to let him go, but at the same time you needed to. Either option was terrifying for both of you. You wanted him to carry on loving you, only have eyes for you, but who were you to say otherwise?

Friends should sleep in other beds.

And friends shouldn’t kiss me like you do.

And I know that there’s a limit to everything.

But my friends won’t love me like you.

You jumped as your phone pinged quietly, and you picked it up, spotting the notification: Danisnotonfire tagged you in a photo. You frowned and opened it up, letting out a gasp of shock as you saw the photo. It was another one from Paris – this time you were kissing Dan on the cheek as he smirked at the camera. Another photo was next to it, in a collage style, taken just after the first. This time you were both kissing each other, Dan’s hand brushing your cheek. It was caption with simple but sweet words.

Friends won’t love me like you.

You threw down your phone, running out of your apartment and grabbing a taxi. You sat impatiently in the back, paying and throwing open the door when you arrived. You ran to the door, unlocking it with a spare key you had, slamming it shut and sprinting up the stairs. Dan flew towards you, your lips colliding into a kiss.

No, my friends won’t love me like you do.

Oh, my friends will never love me like you.

anonymous asked:

Hey lovely, just wanted your thoughts on the law of attraction? I've been trying it for like a year and you obviously have to have a positive mindset to attract the things you want but sometimes it can be exhausting pretending you have everything you want and visualizing that you're successful/happy. Idk how other people do it

Hey darling, 

I, whilst I believe you should keep it positive to make situations better for yourself and I do somewhat believe the attitude you give is what you get in return, that shit things happen to really good people who are positive and lovely. AND that things don’t work out as you may want them to all the time. And that you have a life path and destiny that is partially out of your control. That is my honest belief. 

So whilst I think you should keep it positive, also accept life for what it is: imperfect and unpredictable and not always exactly what you would hope for. It is how you PERSEVERE despite all that that counts. And your strength will get you where you need to be. 

If you just got success straight away, you wouldn’t be learning all these life lessons you are now as you are still working for that. And you will be much wiser if you have to fight a little longer for the things you want. 

Big love xxx

BTS Suga Angst - My Substitute Part 6

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Depression

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Originally posted by comfyjimin

I do not own the gif.

Keep reading

So I was in Shanghai for work, and decided to see what was happening on Tinder. I had to use a VPN to get around the great firewall.

Anyway, matched with a girl and chatted briefly. She asked if I wanted to meet at her hotel for a drink. Alarm bells should have been ringing Willy.

So I shower up, pop a breath mint, and smash out a lucky panda cigarette whilst flagging down a cab. I get to her hotel and to my astonishment, she is the woman in the profile, waiting for me at the hotel bar.

Have a few cocktails and things are going well, she’s friendly, seems really into me, then she asks if I want to go up to her room for “some more drinks”.

Dear diary: JACKPOT!

So we make our way upstairs and she doesn’t waste any time and jumps straight in.

When all was said and done I thought “right, time to do the shanghai shuffle!” So I’m putting my clothes on and about to leave and she ways “what about my money baby?”

My heart sinks quicker than a mob snitch swimming in concrete boots.

I ask her what she means, “Not for free sex, 3,000 RMB!” she replies which is just shy of $500. Fuck me, I’d just rooted a hooker!

So a heated argument begins and I’m planning my escape lest there be a pimp waiting outside. She starts screaming at me and hotel security arrive on the scene and hustle me down to the lobby.

She follows in tow demanding her money, screaming, yelling, making a scene. Everyone’s looking. I’ve really hit rock bottom here.

Then I see someone get out of a cab outside the hotel entrance. I gap it and leap into the cab, telling the driver to “DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE” in the worst Chinese possible. I probably said something offensive. But the power of the all mighty yuan saves the day and he speeds off, taking me back to my hotel where I can hit a bottle of scotch and reflect on what the actual fuck just happened.

Some frugality tips from the old man

“I make bread in a sleeping bag. It is one of the many things that I do to save money whilst eating well.

I have been unemployed for a long time, and my income is very small. There have been weeks  when I have had to survive on just ten dollars for food.

To make ends meet I have worked out how to cook and eat on a very small budget and I am sharing my tips with you. I am not a vegetarian by philosophical principle but by economic  necessity.

Firstly, if possible you should grow as much food as you can. You will always find space somewhere to grow food; even on a balcony.

If you can find a few square feet you should grow pumpkins. I prefer the “Grey”variety because it is tasty, easy to peel and generous. One of my “Grey”s this year weighed 5kg.

During winter, if you don’t particularly like silver beet for greens then try growing “brassica rapa” which is a member of the broccoli family. The leaves are light textured and the plant is prolific and easy to grow.

Now to the cooking:

I make my own bread by the traditional hand kneading technique. I buy flour at the supermarket so I am paying a commercial price, but a 500g loaf still only costs about $1.40. The further saving is that because the bread is so hearty it is very filling and will last 3 or 4 days with a degree of freshness.

In winter I prepare the dough and place it under a sleeping bag to rise. I have no heating in my house (another saving) and so the sleeping bag provides the desired temperature for the bread.

Rice is a staple in my diet. I can buy 5kg of rice in the supermarket for $6 and this will give me 100 meals at 6 cents a meal. (50g or ½ cup of rice is sufficient for a single serve).

For breakfast I either have toasted home-made bread with home-made marmalade, or I will have breakfast a la russkii.

On one of my trips to Russia and Ukraine years ago I fell in love with their pirozhki, and blini. It is the blini that I have mastered and enjoy for a really cheap brekky.

Blini is a pancake made of 2 ½ spoons flour, 1 egg substitute, half a cup of soy milk and some seasoning. You fry it in a small frying pan and this mix will give you two 7 inch diameter blinii.

I then make a mix of fried onion, garlic, capsicum, and any greens from the garden such as brassica rapa, and mix into it a spoon of soy mayonnaise. This goes into the blini which is then folded over and voila.

There are lots of great recipes for pumpkin soup, and the great thing about pumpkin is that it is so cheap. In my local store a kg of pumpkin is about $2 and I get at least 3 soups out of it. Or I will bake the pumpkin and some capsicum, mix it with some spices and add it to the rice for another cheap dish.

Finally, there is a superb soup to be made from the weeds in your garden. Stinging nettle soup is the tastiest soup in my diet. You collect a bowl of the tops of stinging nettles, a chopped up carrot, half a swede or turnip, an onion and you boil them in 500 ml of water or vegetable stock. (I have kohl rabi growing in my garden so I substitute that for the swedes and turnips. Kohl rabi is a much under appreciated vegetable).

Put the soup through a food processor if you can afford the electricity, thicken it with flour and add coconut cream to enhance the texture and taste.

Not one of these meals costs more than $2/per serve and most of them cost less than a dollar. Who says that vegetarianism is expensive.”

#Free Kesha

Now I try not to swear but Kesha loosing that hearing really FUCKS ME OFF for so many reasons
1) Chris Brown can BEAT a woman and still have a successful career with little effect on him in the long term. But god forbid a victim is allowed to make music away from her abuser
2) Zayn can leave his contract for being unhappy but Kesha can’t leave hers for being abused and raped
3) women are being encouraged to come forward if they’ve been raped and yet Kesha still lost her case under “little evidence”
4) Kesha isn’t even asking for Dr Luke to be imprisoned (which he should be) she’s literally asking to not have to work with him anymore
5) whilst some celebrities have spoken out, so many who claim to fully support women’s rights and who claim to be feminists have essentially ignored this, not getting it more publicity. They’re there to speak out about tampon tax but not rape and abuse in action
- and yes I know a lot of people are signed with Sony but honestly (in Victoria Aveyard’s words) I really doubt Beyoncé would catch a shred of heat from Sony if she supported separating a victim from her abuser

George vs Life Revision Tips

I’m going to start this by noting the irony of writing a post about revision tips whilst I should in fact be revising right now. Let’s be honest though, given how much of my time is spent procrastinating, I may as well have some writing to show for my wasted afternoon. 

I’m 21 years old now and I’ve been doing this whole revision things for 7 years and I’ve sat like over 50 exams (wow that worked that out, mental…), so in theory I should be pretty good at it by now. We shall soon find out as I present to you the George vs Life top 10 revision tips:

1. Choose a playlist. Everyone knows that revision can’t start until you’ve found yourself a good playlist #Priorities. Spotify has some good ones for concentration and studying, or pick your favourite album (as long as you won’t just sit there and sing along to it all whilst working). Or do what I like to do and find the 10 hours of rainfall video on YouTube which is surprisingly good to work to.

2. Get up out of your chair every hour. I’m sure some scientists have proved this at some point, but it honestly does you the world of good to get up and do a quick bit of exercise every hour or so. That’s why they make lectures an hour long, so you don’t all fall asleep. Think about it.

3. Eat properly. This is one which I admittedly don’t do, seeing as I never really get nervous or stressed out during exam time, my body decides to punish me by fucking up my stomach. Eat properly though, 5 fruit and veg a day, not just takeaways and chocolate, blah blah blah. (Does anyone actually do this one?)

4. Drink lots. I always drinks lots when I’m revising, and if nothing else it just makes you get up and go to the toilet every hour or so which ticks off number 2 on this list. Plus it makes you feel healthier, even if you are eating garbage every day.

5. Find a decent space. This may be at your desk at home or in a crowded library on campus, all that matters is that you feel like you can work and be productive there, I personally prefer having dozens of other silent students around me when I work, it helps with the motivation (Even though they’re all just scrolling Facebook as well)

6. Log out of social media accounts. Come on, you know it, I know it, we all know it. Log out of Facebook and Twitter now. Hell, delete the apps from your phone, it will make you procrastinate less, I promise you. Those shitty Facebook notifications will still be there later, honestly.

7. Turn your phone off/on silent. This is especially important if you’re in a library or silent study space, the sound of a vibrating phone is terribly annoying for everybody else, and it’s probably distracting you as well. Stop snapchatting your friend and put your phone in your bag where you’ll be less tempted, hell leave it at home if that’s what it takes.

8. Get a schedule. This is where I should probably say ‘get up at 9am and work till 5pm, then rest and repeat the next day’. We all know that isn’t how students work, sometimes we want a lie in, and I know loads of people who are quite literally nocturnal right now. It’s all fine as long as you know what you’re doing. Schedule, timetable, whatever. Just plan when you’re going to revise and when you’re going to sleep, you’ll thank yourself. Oh and make sure you sort out your sleep pattern by the time exams start, because if not that 9am might be really tough to wake up for.

9. Take some chill time.  Every year me and my friends like to book a day out in the middle of revision time. We plan it in advance, so we are more motivated in the days leading up to the day off, and then we go and have fun for the day. Last year we went to Pleasure-wood hills and it was amazing, the park was empty, I snapchatted the whole thing to everyone else in the library and it was the ultimate anti revision day. Revision is by definition dull and mundane, spice things up with something fun (yes, you can have fun without alcohol guys)

10. Be positive! These exams? piece of piss. You’ll smash them out of the park, believe me. Put the work in and it’ll all go swimmingly. So try not to stress out too much and be too negative, just remember that you’re sitting these exams for a reason: because you can do this. Fuck the haters, be positive and go smash it. I believe in you.