Sex Education One Shot
Title: Sex Education One Shot
Pairing: Phan, implied kickthestickz
Rating: NC17 just to be sure
Genre: AU,smut |(i guess) fluff (just a little) *this is a funny fic wherein Dan and Phil are like really innocent or something*
Disclaimer: I don’t own phan or claim that it is real and you know the rest of the drill
Summary: Dan had confessed to Phil at vidcon and Phil doesn’t know what to do about it. PJ and Chris figured that they should “educate” Dan on the things that lovers do when they’re alone together (wink wink)
Authors note:Its a funny fic. I had to write something funny than the other phan fic I had because…no particular reason :D.
It started when Dan finally upped and confessed to Phil – confessed while staring at his hands and blinking to the ground and Phil had just stared, turned away and said “Oh ok then” a small blush creeping up his cheeks.
Which was a yes, or as close as Phil would come.
The rest would have been history, except that Phil, in a large fuck you to Right Action, had refused to do anything about it. Or say anything about it. Or arrange for the two of them to share a room, even.
Phil was clearly okay with this decision he’d made to avoid actually having a relationship with Dan.Dan, on the basis that Phil was okay with it, was also okay with it.
Chris (close friend of the two who had been attempting to hook those two up for about three years now, morals be damned) and PJ (who was the boyfriend of said good friend and number one supporter of CHris), however, were not okay with this.
They considered possible traumas, they considered fear, they considered shyness, and they discarded them all as possible reasons for Phil’s actions.
And then it occurred to Chris that, quite possibly, Phil,his very very close friend whom he has never seen with anyone, did not know what to do. He passed this knowledge onto PJ, who burst out laughing, didn’t stop for far too long, then agreed.
A plan was formed.
Informing Phil of the ins and outs of homosexual intercourse was something likely to get them killed if they went about it directly, lol jk but it would upset Phil in a way,but without a doubt, it needed to be done.
“We could leave books around where he’ll happen to stumble over them,” Chris suggested. “And, quite aware of the lack in his knowledge, he will find himself strangely drawn to pick up the books and read?”
PJ snorted. “Like hell he would. Even if he considered it, he would decide it was stupid and throw it away before beginning.”
“Ah, you have a point.”
“…PJ, I really doubt he’d have the opportunity or inclination to watch them.”
A comfortable, contemplative silence fell.
“You know,” Chris said, thoughtfully. “Phil hasn’t been rooming with Dan.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem.”
PJ’s eyes widened and he took a sip of a soda he was drinking. “I see,” he said. “Yeah, I get it.”
“Ah, you’re pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Chris,” PJ agreed. “We trap Dan in his room and explain things to him very loudly?”
Truthfully, it was obvious to both of them that Dan was scared out of his wits.
He was sitting on his bed with a pillow clutched in front of him like an ineffective shield, eyes wide open and a desperate, helpless, terrified grin on his face. The bed was in a corner. Chris was standing in front of the long edge, hands on his hips, dictating loudly in Dan’s general direction but, more to the point, to the wall behind Dan.
PJ was between Dan and the door.
Dan had clearly already given up on escape and could do nothing but stare with horrified fascination and occasionally interject a word or two.
“Uh, so,” Dan managed finally, hoarsely, “after the, um. Lube. What do you–”
“WELL YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE IT’S NOT JUST A SLICK HIS COCK AND THAT’S THE END OF IT THING,” Chris bellowed. “WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU’S ON THE BOTTOM–” he heard a thump against the wall, probably in warning, “–WON’T BE READY FOR IT LIKE THAT. LIKE, I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON PHIL’S COCK–”
PJ laughed politely.
“–BUT IT’S A CASE OF A SIZE THREE PEG FITTING INTO A SIZE ONE HOLE, IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.”
Dan half-hid his face behind his pillow. “Uh, yeah, maybe we won’t. I mean. The blowjob and, uh, ‘mutual masturbation’ options y'described didn’t sound so bad…”
“Well, you can end up with a sore jaw,” PJ pointed out, gently. “But everything we are giving you instructions about are ultimately pleasurable when done well.”
“I don’t want Phil hurting my ass,” Dan blurted.
“WELL THAT’S WHY HE’S GOTTA TAKE CARE TO PREPARE YOU COMPLETELY – OR YOU HIM, WHATEVER, I DON’T JUDGE. LOTS OF LUBE. LOTS OF CAREFUL STRETCHING. OTHERWISE THERE’LL BE BLOOD AND TRAUMA AND NOBODY LIKES BLOOD AND TRAUMA.”
PJ cleared his throat.
“UNLESS YOU’RE PJ.”
Dan turned his horrified gaze on PJ for a moment. PJ smiled gently.
“ANYWAY,” Chris continued. “THRUST AND GO MAY BE THE INSTINCT, BUT YOU GOTTA HANDLE YOUR LOVER LIKE A–”
“Don’t say that Chris,it’s embarassing!”
“–FRAGILE – OKAY, I GUESS WOMAN ISN’T THE BEST METAPHOR HERE, IS IT.”
“Maybe we should move on,” PJ suggested.
“THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, PJ. AAAAAANYWAY. NOW, ONE THING THAT FEELS GOOD IS HITTING THE PROSTATE.”
“Well, if it’s Phil, he’ll hit anything,” Dan said.
PJ chuckled. “Well, he has good aim with all the video games I guess, but I don’t know if I’d go that far–”
“BUT HITTING THE PROSTATE, IT ISN’T SO EASY. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH A COCK. FINGERS, OKAY, NOT SO HARD. BUT AIMING WITH YOUR COCK, THAT TAKES WORK. IF IT HAPPENS, GOOD, AND HELL, I RECOMMEND IT.”
“How do you find it?” Dan asked, caught up in things despite himself.
“I’m not sure that’s easy to shout through the wall,” PJ said apologetically.
“…could use diagrams?”
“Loud diagrams?” PJ asked dryly, but Chris was barrelling on.
“ANYWAY, IN THE POSSIBILITY YOU CAN’T FIND IT AND, HELL, EVEN IF YOU DO, I WOULD LIKE TO RECOMMEND MASTER CHRIS’S FAVOURITE TECHNIQUE: THE REACHAROUND!”
Dan’s blush had started with his ears, but was now making its speedy journey down his neck. “Uh, so that’s, um. Just what it sounds like, right?”
“THAT’S RIGHT! THRUST AND WACK OFF AT THE SAME TIME! ANYWAY. NOW, FOR A FEW THINGS NOT TO DO, OR HORRIBLE THINGS WILL RESULT–”
PJ sighed, then stepped closer and covered Dan’s ears.
Dan blinked at him. “Um. Shouldn’t I … uh … hear this too? I mean, if you’ve already told me all this so far–”
“Oh, no,” PJ said, pleasantly. “No point turning you off sex forever.”
“But…” Dan’s voice dropped. “Is it okay to turn Phil off… y'know … forever?”
“It’ll just make him try harder,” PJ assured Dan.
The other side of the wall was now silent. Either Phil had fallen asleep – not very likely – or was actually listening.
After a few minutes, PJ uncovered Dan’s ears.
“Can I go now?” Dan asked, in a very small voice.
“Oh, I don’t think he’s done yet,” PJ said, brightly.
“–AND AFTER, YOU HOLD THE OTHER PERSON, GODDAMMIT. 'CAUSE IF OTHER PEOPLE FIND OUT THAT YOU ROLLED OVER AND KICKED THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE OUT OF BED, NO AMOUNT OF BULLETS IN THE WORLD WILL SAVE YOU.”
“Uh,” Dan said. “What?”
“It’s a metaphor, Dan,” PJ explained.
The next evening, Phil almost beat Chris and PJ black and blue.
But when Dan came down from his shared room with Phil with a faint limp and proceeded to spend the entire meal staring off into space with a wide smile and dreamy expression, they consoled themselves that the beating was worth it.
Besides, it really just spiced things up anyway.