which was technically on Tuesday I think

so I think I’m gonna head to bed

I had planned on staying up till like seven or eight in the morning

but I’m just too drained

and this fic isn’t going like I hoped it would

why does this always happen on the night of the 23rd to 24th June

every year I try to stay up to see the sunrise

ever since I was a wee little kid

and I still haven’t managed it

I’ve seen the sunrise other times

but never on this day

it’s like there’s a curse or something

I was up till 4 yesterday goddammit and I spent most of last summer going to bed at 6

but no, never on the 23rd



I have a moot on Tuesday night which I have not prepared for at all. I look at the guidelines and exemplars just then and omfg the legal jargon and the judge’s questions (They have the discretion to interrupt you whenever they want and ask you whatever they want) sooo technical. “Where’s your authority for that principle?” etc


I’m scared I’ll swear or something lmao 

anyways, going to Skyzone on Monday night lol.

tuesday today, the 25th of august and i guess something sort of big happened, well more relavant than big if i get technical with it. school was fine really, normal day i guess other than for sex ed which was just really cold and boring. but i didnt wanna go workout after school but i went anyways and ended up being able to cry out some shit ive been holding in for a while and mom just thinks it was a mini panic attack. or like a mild one i guess. im not sure what it was, i dont think ill even think about it much to be honest, it only resulted in me being able to be alone more now and mom ordered that book mind over mood which should get here by september 2. i made up some excuse about why i was triggered to be upset and explained more about my irrational fear of men and boys in general.daddy issues without a valid source, i never have been one to have any source for my problems though. 

it rained a  little bit earlier so i can thank that it will be awful humid tomorrow but my outfit is pretty cute so thats nice. matthew still hasnt shown up to school or texted me back, i do hope nothing bad has happened, he was really nice to me and at the very least entertaining to talk to on the bus and in general i guess. im still very self concious a lot of the time and thinkning that i could just stop being so strict seems like a good idea until i think of how i could look if i was just a little smaller and weighed less, as in 80 pounds. Thtas been my goal for so long and maybe i can get to 90 pounds by the end of the year. wouldnt that be a sight to see. 40 pounds gone in a year, and all the shit thats happened in between and ive accomplished something ive always wanted. But i am aware that changing my body wont require my confidence or literally anything else to change but that should be somewhat easier once i do lose more weight and become more confident. weighing less and less sounds more appleaing when i think about it, being 70 or even 60 pounds would be so cool and i could be lifted and carried around so easy and wear tiny tiny clothes and be the crazy ass skinny bitch. i dunno, im trying to make a reputation at school as im a huge slut, which i really am striving to be eeven as my virgin self. i mean, no one can really bully me then, and im mre nonexistant here too so theres that. 

I get to miss english again tomorrow so thats nice, i have some more time to think about what material i can go in with on thursday to give him a hard time. I really dont like him and if we dont talk about a serious assignment sometime this week im going to cry and be even saltier than usual for those 85 minutes of certified bullshit. though as time is progressing i can see how i can be liked and people ive never spoken to before are acting sort of friendly i guess. This kid Brendin in my geography class is in my group for the project and he pretty much listened to what i told them to do and laughed at some of my comments and jokes. He’s a senior i think, but any group of friends and anyone who wants to be my friend is good with me. I am pretty much known as the smart kid who has their shit together and people would feel lucky to have me in their group or envious when i get rewards for doing my most mediocre work. Like today i got a snickers bar (so did some other girl) for turning in good work, or any work at all even. I made room for it for tomorrow’s lunch, i earned that shit so i might as well enjoy it i guess, i dont really eat real candy like that very often so who the fuck cares?

im not sure what else to talk about really, im mostly just confused and sad about anything and everyting i control but either choose not to or ruin for whatever reason. im happy with my weight loss and food control even if its technically not all that healthy, its the only thing i have utter control over in my life that could only resul.t in hurting myself if i have to hurt anyone. If i dont have this to control i would be really fucked, this is my way of coping, and maybe one day i can change it to be better, but right now i cant risk to lose this because ive put so much of my time and myself into this so what kind of waste would it be to stop now and make a scene about my life and my problems? i dont want to be an abuser and be jealous and hurtful to whoever i end up with, i have to control something and get myself together because all in all im not together at all and i have some parts that arent going to be fixed or even looked at for a long time and im not really worried about it because ive been living with them in shit shape like they are for so long. maybe im worse or better than i think or know, like i said, im awfully confused about where even i stand in my own life and im not sure what having things ‘work out’ is going to consist of. Ultimately, the best way and most appealing way of my life working out and solving my problems is dying some way, not necesarily suicide but just to die and dissolve from the earth. maybe i can have another try at this shit to get it right, or maybe just do better because everything is pretty shit right now and i dont want other people to know that. It makes me feel bad to see mom be worried or even notice when im upset or starting/in a melt down because i know she has to hurt too and i cant help her and i just feel like shit more. Maybe i shouldnt be so fucked up so loudly and just keep shit a minimum, because that worked so well the first time. i dont know what im going to do, but im guessing its going to not be all that different than what im doing right now which is confiding in the void of my personal cyberspace for updates on bullshit and shrugging off anything remotely negative until it boils up into a rage fueled shit storm that probably is going to get bloody and sad and hopefully no one will find out about it. i couldnt live wuith myself if someone from my family found out i was still cutting, if that were to happen i would wish my body just ollapse in on itself and give out right there because that would be less painful than seeing them be upset and hurt and frustrated with how their efforts and concerns have really just failed and their daughter and sister is a huge fucking liar that either wants attention or nothing is even working. Like, nothing is working after all, but no one is supposed to know that other than me because none of this is their fault. It’s not my fault either, dont get me wrong, but its the card i was given so i have to work with it. Its not a big deal i guess, im more just tired of it and dying is the fastest and best way to just be away and gone from everything so at the opportunity i think i would and will do something rash to end my life. I cant imagine being responsible when im in control of my own medication. Probably going to get on something stroing and deadly, say i want sleepng pills and drink and overdose to death or splatter my cerebral matter all over the walls. I shouldnt be getting this close to people, i know Kel would be fucked if i died so maybe i just need to let them be, no matter how bad that fucks me up, because they matter more than i do. Not yet though, before i can really die i need to move out and gain some adult responsibility and freedoms to do it. Who knows if me and them will even be friends or in contact anymore by then, i guess i hope we aren’t but that makes me feel bad to even think something like that. Im still confused and sad i guess, im going to stop talking about this now because i took some of the blood pressure medication so im pretty tired. Im gonna go get something to eat and go to bed probably. more to come this week if i get the motivation to write again.