The History of Tumblr
Okay, so let’s get this out of the way first. Nobody knows when Tumblr was first invented. Don’t ask me why, just nobody ever bothered to record that it seems. Tumblr wasn’t invented by David Karp. Karp just happened to be some hapless twenty something that became irrevocably attached to it at some point in time. For the longest time, Karp was the only staff member at Tumblr HQ where he was commanded by what he described as a “formless and faceless entity” to do a number of trivial programming tasks in order to maintain the site which, in its earliest known form, was a social Networking website for priests but was actually primarily used by the Russian Mafia in order to deal drugs.
The Russian Mafia became more involved in the inner workings of the website, demanding that Karp - who, at the time, regularly dressed like this:
make major changes to the website in order for it to be more encrypted. Karp, lacking the coding prowess to do this, and perhaps intimidated by the formless and faceless entity that shouted orders at him, in a voice that was both oddly alien but uncomfortably familiar, from the dirty, unused, rat-infested bedroom of Tumblr HQ, which Karp began living at full time, completely failed to do this which lead to the Russian Mafia unleashing a costly, unceasing DDOS attack on the website for two years. During this time David Karp, believing he had escaped the formless and faceless entity that lived in the unused bedroom in Tumblr HQ, began to travel the world and thought that he might settle down with a pretty Scandinavian lady named Gennifer. This would not be, as Karp was still at Tumblr HQ but hallucinating the entirety of his freedom.
After the DDOS - which in reality was miserable failure - ended, the formless and faceless entity that lived in the unused bedroom in Tumblr HQ, attacked Karp, putting him into a deep coma, a state in which he still remains to this day.
It was during this time that Tumblr purchased Yahoo. That’s right TUMBLR purchased YAHOO. Tumblr, now free of any governing force, to the extent that Karp could be considered a governing force, began to run itself autonomously - perhaps due to its nature of being a sort of extension of the formless and faceless entity that lived in the unused bedroom in Tumblr HQ - an HQ, mind you, that is located in the basement of an abandoned Sheetz. Visiting this Sheetz, which some Tumblrinas wish to do, is highly unrecommended. This Tumblr Sheetz is superficially like any other Sheetz, it doesn’t even appear to be abandoned even though it actually is. Going to this seemingly normal Sheetz, located where one would expect the ritzy Silicon Valley offices of Tumblr HQ to be, is an incredibly bad idea. It’s not because of the “employees” that inhabit it and act much like you would expect employees of Sheetz to act. It’s also not because of the digital menus they provided there where you can customize any meal to your heart’s content and is very much like your regular Sheetz’s menu, though perhaps a bit more diverse. No, it’s because of the overwhelming urge you, as a Tumblr user yourself, may get to travel into that basement where, penetrating the space between the surface and subsurface of the building, you’ll the notice the building has been entirely abandoned with the exception of the basement where you’ll see the faint Tumblr Blue glow emanating from deep within. And you’ll be drawn ever closer to the source of that light to meet Tumblr Staff. The same staff, mind you, that never does their job or out right maligns their userbase. You’ll want to meet them, perhaps shake hands with the tie belt guy, and you’ll meet them. You’ll walk into that dirty, unused, rat-infested bedroom and you’ll never come back out again.