which new adventures should he tell her to make her forget about the hospital


passion. sunrise. growth. scars. trust. loss. future.

Author: arekxandura (tumblr) / quilliariya (ff.net)
Rating: K+
Warning: contains spoilers.

Author’s Note: starting this series for Gruvia week! a reincarnated Juvia who can’t remember Gray has always been one of my most favourite AUs, and I have no idea why. Hope you guys like it!

Read it on fanfiction.net here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12428893/1/epiphany

he just wants her to remember the past that elluded her reincarnated mind.

“Fairy Tail was—no, it still is—our home.”

 “Juvia wishes she could remember,” the girl told him, tugging the ribbon attached to her school uniform. “But all Juvia really knows is growing up in an orphanage with Gajeel-kun.”

“Didn’t he tell you about Fairy Tail?” Gray prodded.

“Juvia supposes he mentioned it once or twice.” Juvia sighed. “Perhaps he stopped because Juvia had no idea what he was talking about.”

“Fairy Tail was a guild in our past life in the other world.”


She looked terribly confused, and Gray mentally cursed at Gajeel for not explaining it as soon as the iron dragon slayer regained his memory. “It’s a shared memory between all of us. Professor Makarov, Lucy, Erza, Natsu, Mirajane, Cana—everyone. It’s the life we led before we reincarnated into ourselves again. Here. In a different world.”

“This is a different world from our past lives?”

Gray nodded. “In our past life, there was magic. I was an ice mage. You were a water mage.”

 She looked like she didn’t want to believe him, but when the blue-haired girl’s eyes widened, Gray wondered if he had triggered some sort of memory. 

“Juvia is a swimmer,” she admitted. “She has always loved the water, for some strange reason.”

 “Do you like the rain?”


 “Juvia loves the rain.”

 He flashed her a smile. “That’s good.”

 A light red dusted her pale cheeks. For a moment Juvia blinked at him, as if she was trying to remember the memories taken away from her.

 “Tell me more, Gray-sama.”

 The afternoon was spent in deep conversation.  He told her about the rain that plagued her entire life and their very first battle. He told her about Tenrou, the way she had convinced Meredy to take their side. He told her about his Deliora, Ur, his father, Avatar, Zeref, E.N.D..

She listened with rapt attention.

There was something familiar about the way she responded to his stories. It was as if he was taken back in time, and he was sitting beside Juvia Lockser, recalling his adventures with Team Natsu in the comfort of a cozy house they called theirs.

 “Juvia is sorry she doesn’t remember.”

 “It’s a slow process,” Gray said, shaking his head. “Your memories will return soon.”

 “What if Juvia can’t remember because her past self wanted to forget?”

 I live for the ones I love!


 “But what if she did, Gray-sama?” Her eyes looked pained as she looked at him. “What if did?”

 He stared at her then, unable to respond.

 Juvia sighed. Noticing his discomfort, she shifted the conversation. “What was Juvia like, Gray-sama?”

 You were a strong mage who loved your friends.” Who loved me.

 Your love was a slow burn.

Gray could almost see her eyes burst into flames whenever she had declared her love for him, shining like the sun she had longed to see. At first, he didn’t understand her wild proclamations, her gifts, her overflowing love for him, and in general—her.  

Juvia laughed softly, locks of blue rolling off her shoulder as she shifted her position. Tilting her head to the side, she stared at him in curiosity. “Sorry, that must have been an awkward question.”

“It’s alright,” Gray replied, his eyes narrowing.

She was eccentric in her own way. Juvia could fend off females who he couldn’t care less about. Juvia could hide behind a pillar just so she could watch him from afar. Juvia could make regular days anniversaries he’s never even heard of.

But Juvia could also light up a room with her smile. Juvia could make him feel the warmth he had craved ever since he was a child. Juvia could spread butterflies in the inside of his stomach, making it lurch and churn whenever she was around.

“Juvia is sorry she can’t remember.”

“It’s okay.” Because you’re alive.

He remembered the way her flames began to lick the tips of the iceberg called his heart. Which was ironic, because she was a mage who specialized in manipulating water.

A memory forms in his mind. He had just been told that the water mage had sacrificed herself in order to save Cana.

Gray had taken a seat beside her in the hospital bed, dropping the flowers Lucy had told him to give the water mage.

“Hey,” he said almost guiltily. Juvia was new to the guild, and here she was, lying on one of their beds. “You alright?”

“Juvia is doing great,” she told him. There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm or malice in her tone. A smile was growing on her lips, and she beamed at him, as if the pain she was feeling was non-existent. “Juvia is happy Gray-sama came to visit her." 

She was lying on the bed, her water body suffering because it was  electrocuted and yet she still had the audacity to grin just because he graced her with his presence. This selfless girl who was willing to sacrifice herself just so her friends would survive—

 Juvia’s short hair fanned out on the pillow in light waves. Her pale face was slowly regaining its natural color (thanks to Wendy, no doubt). The blue in her eyes stared at him, hoping to elicit a response.

None came.

She still looked the same. 

The current Juvia raised an eyebrow at him. “Gray-sama?”

“Sorry,” he said dismissively. “I just remembered something.” Juvia nooded in understanding, and Gray continued, smirking, “You know, you used to call me Gray-sama back then too.”

 Her cheeks were once again dusted with red. “Perhaps some things never change.”

 He fell silent before he decided to bypass his own defenses. 

“You fell in love with me back then.”

His own cheeks were starting to burn, but it was a detail he felt she should know of. Gray’s  looked at her, watching her face contort from confusion to realization. She looked away from his scrutinizing gaze.

He spoke before he could stop himself. “You died because you wanted to protect me.”

She opened and closed her mouth, at a loss for words. He pushed on, recalling memories stowed away in his mind. Memories that gave him nightmares. Memories that left him yearning for her in the middle of the night, eyes filled with tears, arms seeking the familiar warmth of the water mage.

 “There was an ice wizard. His name was Invel.” Gray looked away, catching sight of Natsu petting his cat, Happy (which he had been told numerous times not to bring to school, but of course, Natsu was Natsu). “He conjured a spell called ‘Ice Lock’ that turned us against each other. ”

 He returned his gaze towards Juvia, and she motioned for him to continue.

 “It was a chain that linked at a collar that was wrapped around our necks.” Gray frowned. “It was either I kill you, or you kill me.”

Everything was a haze of water and ice, and the ground was covered with their blood. Of all the things Juvia didn’t want to do, Gray knew it was to hurt him.

“I attacked, you attacked. It was a mess.” He sighed. “I remember you shouting that your body was far too small for the overflowing feelings to ever be imprisoned in it.”

She spoke. “Juvia didn’t know she was capable of having that kind of passion to a person she loved.”

“You told me that words couldn’t express how thankful you were to have met me,” Gray said, almost bitterly. “Then you killed yourself so I could live.”

For a long time, none of them said a word. 

She broke the silence. “Did you love Juvia, Gray-sama?”

Dark eyes met sapphire. Juvia was still hoping. Even in her new life. He broke their gaze.

 “I did.”

 “Even though I killed myself?”

 “Well, I kind of died with you.” 

the librarian - pjm au

pairing: reader x park jimin

genre/summary: angst & romance. “if it weren’t for mrs. seymour assigning your class the novel romeo & juliet; you’d probably have never met park jimin.”

word count: [ 2160 ] 

ch.two [soon] ➯  masterlist

Originally posted by jiyoongis

a/n: not sure if this will be a series or not but if i should continue or even if you like this, feedback is really appreciated.

The buildings around your high school are cozy and convenient which you couldn’t be more thankful for and even though everything seems nice like your mother previously explained over a million times, you weren’t convinced if moving to a whole new city would fix the problems that you’re trying to escape.

“Now where’s the library around here? these textbooks aren’t going to rent themselves.” A hint of annoyance evident in your tone, waving your phone around for better signal in hopes to get your directions to stop freezing up, but luckily for you, the storefront appears in front of your eyes.

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A Fine Life

This fic was inspired by the amazing art of @bluuesparrow / @moineau-bleu! Happy birthday blue! I hope you had a wonderful day full of surprises and best wishes! Hope you enjoy this fic! You are an incredible friend and I’m so happy to have met you through our mutual love for Gajevy haha

Quick reminder! Blue is offering art commissions! And I’m involve along with some other awesome writers with a special offering to write a drabble for an additional $1 with said commission. Go check the details out!

Pairing: Gajevy

Words count: 5.5k 

Rating: T


Seahorses are among those species that mate for life. Once one dies, the other will soon die too. They can’t live without the other. That’s why people say seahorses die from heartbreak.

Levy’s life was something most people wanted for themselves. She had a beautiful apartment with a nice view to the oldest district in Magnolia; she had her dream job at the local library and was a part-time Literature teacher at a nearby high school; her social life wasn’t bad either since she had some friends to hang out with every once in a while.

Levy’s life was definitely fine, but she always felt like something was missing in it.

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About Stef and Brallie

I need to start by saying that I love Stef, normally . She’s so awesome and I would love to have a mom like her. But if I was Brandon? If I was Brandon I would have honestly married fucking Cortney if it meant being away from her. And I hate Cortney. 

Let me explain. 

In season one, when Callie is still a new addition to the family, a girl that wasn’t supposed to stay in their house for more than a few weeks, a year at most, Stef reminds Brandon that foster siblings aren’t allowed to engage in a romantic relationship. Brandon isn’t interested at the time, he’s still with Talya, but he’s “an horny teenager” so better safe than sorry, right? Right. Fine. Legit. 

As we know, Brandon can’t really help falling for Callie after that. He knew he couldn’t, sure, but he probably thought that they could wait and sooner or later Callie would be out of the house, and it’s not like he could just erase his feelings. That’s not how feelings works. Also, it’s not like Callie was blameless here. She kissed Brandon after knowing that she was going to get adopted, remember? Sure, in season 3, during the interview she says that she wanted to fuck the adoption up before something else fucked it up, because she was scared. Doesn’t seem like a good way to fuck it up to me - if Jude hadn’t walked in on them they would have probably never been discovered and then what? I’d like to ask her. Also, we knew from her conversation with Wyatt at the hospital before then that she already had feelings for Brandon too, she just didn’t think she deserved him (to quote Wyatt, she was “too fucked up”). But at the wedding she says that she knows what she deserves now - meaning Brandon. She felt safe because she finally had a family who wanted her, she thought for the first time that she deserved everything everyone else deserved. To love who she loved. But Jude walks in on them and she runs away. 

Brandon confesses to his moms that he kissed Callie, which - btw - it’s his first fucking mistake. He didn’t kiss her. SHE kissed HIM. It’s interesting because he keeps saying that it was him, even during the interview in season 3. I don’t know if he wanted it so much that he remembers being the one instigating it, but this mistake plants the first seed of distrust in Stef, who probably can’t help making parallels between her son and Liam, since, you know, Brandon says Callie ran away because of him, when she actually ran away because of what Jude said. 

The moms forbid Brandon to go see Callie but he doesn’t listen. He loves her and he doesn’t want her to believe that there’s nobody out there for her anymore. And - let me point it out - he was right. She needed to know someone was still there for her, even if she had run away and was high risk and whatever. So yeah, seeing Brandon was what she needed. But Stef doesn’t trust him and she gets him a restraining order, like he’s stalking Callie, like that beautiful hug never happened (and for all we know, Stef might not know it happened). 

Brandon doesn’t care. Brallie keeps meeting secretly. Stef doesn’t know. Eventually, they both realize that Callie needs a family and Brandon backs down and lets her go. Because he loves her. So much. And he wants her to have all she needs. And she needs a family more than she needs him. Fyi, this it’s his most beautiful act of love. 

After the first break up it seems like Brandon is the only one hung up on them. He’s hurt, he can’t forget. I don’t blame him, since he has to see her everyday. He tries. He’s vulnerable at this point and Dani keeps planting ideas in his head. That he should get her back before she gets adopted and stuff. Things blow up during the winter ball and everything Stef ends up hearing is “I realized today that you didn’t lead me on. You just never felt the way I did. What you needed, what you wanted, it was never me,” which, AGAIN, makes it look like his feelings aren’t reciprocated, not really. She doesn’t know that Callie followed him before he got into the cop’s car to tell him that what she had said about Wyatt wasn’t true - meaning that she still loved him too, since she told him that lie just so he could forget about her. But she doesn’t want him to at the end. 

Things are friendly between Brallie later, up until the GU fund riser. Callie kisses Brandon when she discovers that Robert isn’t gonna sign her adoption papers. Later - in season 3 I think - she tells the girls of GU that she did it because she thought she was giving up Brandon for nothing. Meaning - she still loves him. Brandon tells her that he doesn’t want her to give up on her dream (they promised each other, right?). Stef doesn’t know that they let each other go again, for the second time. 

Callie doesn’t take it well. She asks him if it’s because of Lou. Brandon breaks up with her. Again. 

Season 3, Brallie’s adventure in Mexico. Stef finds a pregnancy test and the first thing that comes to her mind is “you don’t think callie is pregnant with brandon’s child, do you?” How did she even go there?? All she knows at this point is that Callie and Brandon kissed once. Which makes me believe that she can see that something is still going on between them but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. 

Brallie has sex. It’s consensual. And they break it off again as soon as the adoption gets through. 

Callie tells the moms the truth and everything Stef can think about is “Brandon took advantage of the fact that she was vulnerable”, when, honestly, it was about “giving up Brandon for nothing”. 

Stef confronts Brandon about it and she doesn’t listen, won’t listen to him. She accuses Brandon in all the ways possible and never asks Callie about her feelings. At this point, Stef only knows that Brandon is in love with Callie, she never heard Callie say that she is in love with Brandon, she doesn’t know that Callie almost went to live with Robert to stay with Brandon, that she wanted to put his keyboard in her apartment, that she was the first to say I love you. 

For all season 4 Stef treats Brandon as some sort of predator and he can’t stand it, obviously, and stays with Cortney. The only person defending him is Mike, who sees the same thing happening with AJ. Stef keeps taking Callie’s side. 

And it makes me so angry. She doesn’t know the whole story, never cared to sit her kids down to ask them honestly about it, never took the time to talk about it with Callie! When Callie said they had sex, Stef brushed it off like she didn’t even want to know about it and went to bite B’s head off for it instead. She told him in 03x08 that she could see that she hadn’t been there for Brandon about Callie and she could see now that he was heartbroken, but after that? Did she do anything to be there for him? She didn’t. She kept accusing him, suspecting him, blaming him. To the point that she can’t even see Brallie in the same room together without getting tense. 

I’d like to say that I don’t blame her 100%, since she doesn’t have the whole picture, but I can’t because it’s her fault she doesn’t have all the information she needs in the first place! I blame her for being a shitty parent to Brandon, for playing favorites, for being judgmental and closing her eyes and not listening when literally EVERYBODY knows Brandon and Callie are a thing after 0.5 seconds in their presence. Sophia didn’t even need to see them together to know that Callie was in love with him! Like, seriously, Stef decided not to see what was going on, she ignored her kid like he’s some kind of rapist, did NOTHING to comfort him when he couldn’t go to Julliard (and yes, he was to blame, but not even a hug??). The only person that honestly stopped for a moment to ask him how he felt about it is Callie! And then you’re surprised he’s in love with her? Please. Brandon literally helped everyone in that house and Stef treats him like he’s a criminal. 

So now I hope she’ll get scared every time someone points out that Brandon and Callie look like they’re dating and not like siblings, because she had it coming. 

She told Mike that he couldn’t play favorites between Brandon and AJ, but that’s exactly what she has been doing with Brandon and Callie. She keeps choosing Callie over him. So Mike had it wrong, it wasn’t because of Callie that Brandon wouldn’t move back home, it was because of Stef. 

I can’t believe nobody is calling her out about treating Brandon like shit. Sure, Brandon isn’t perfect and he made his mistakes, but not everything is on him. Callie is as much to blame as he is, and yes, she’s dealing with other drama, but it can’t always be “good old Brandon who has to take it up the chin”. It takes two to tango. It’s just easier to blame Brandon than acknowledging that she should have taken Brallie’s relationship seriously when Brandon told her about it the first time instead of taking a fucking restraining order against her son. Brandon was right in 03x08 - she humiliated him. And she’s STILL doing it. KEEPS doing it. 

I’d divorce the family too if I was him. No shit. 

XF Fic: New York City Serenade

Author: @soft-thrills

Rating: PG

Summary: Scully ponders her mortality in New York City.

Notes: Post-episode for Tithonus.  Written for the X-Files Writing Challenge prompt: city. A million thanks to @agoldenpalace for her wonderful beta read and for punching this up for me from several time zones away. 3,000 words.

Dana Scully’s abdomen should hurt.

That’s the first coherent thought she has, after getting over the panic of waking up in a strange place and realizing that strange place is a hospital. She remembers, then, the old ramshackle apartment in Brooklyn where she’d talked about life and death with Alfred Fellig, and where she’d been struck by a bullet meant only for him but which had hit them both.

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re: Esme and Bella

Oops loveandaudrey and c-ompassionatesouls, I wrote a thing. 

I found it hard to sleep after hearing Rosalie’s story, and so I was already semi-awake when I heard a soft knock on the door.

“Hello?” I muttered sleepily.

“It’s me, dear,” Esme said softly. “I heard you tossing and turning. I brought you some chamomile tea, I thought it might help you sleep.”

I sat up as Esme flicked on the light and forced a smile. “Thanks, that sounds great.”

Esme handed me the warm mug and I took a long sip. She watched me a moment.

“I hope Rosalie didn’t frighten you.”

“No, it was … it was good, I think, to get that all out in the open. I don’t think we’re friends yet, but I think we understand each other a bit better.”

Esme laughed lightly. “Rose can be a little … intense. But she really does have a good heart underneath it all.”

I took another sip of my tea, unsure of what to say to that. I was seeing Rosalie in a new light, but I still didn’t know her that well. Although truth be told, I didn’t know Esme that well either. I suddenly felt guilty—Esme had been nothing but welcoming and gracious to me, and yet I didn’t know much of anything about her, other than that she loved architecture and design and had lost a baby.

“Can I ask you something?” 

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Post 3x7 Survival Pack

This is a difficult time for all of us and we all have different methods of coping. For me, reading fanfiction has helped me stay positive. I really can’t thank all of the authors in this fandom enough. Here’s a list of some fics that I’ve read and re-read recently along with a list of a few “fix-it fics” for 3x7.

my previous fic recs: the clexa fic rec post you didn’t ask for

Apparently I’m a slut for Modern AUs

once by coeurdastronaute

Clarke and Lexa have a one night stand…and then another… and another. Until they just leaves clothes at each other’s place. (Make sure you read part 1)

and your eyes are the size of the moon (you could ‘cause you can so you do) by heartshapedcandy

Clarke and Lexa and a night at the carnival.

break your plans by pizzaoctavia

Clexa college!AU: in which Clarke grows tired of hearing Octavia and Lincoln’s escapades in the next room, so Lincoln offers her his apartment for study. He fails to mention his heavily tattooed hockey player roommate in the process.

blood rush in the hazy glow by firetestsgold

“The locals aren’t fans of college kids. This is their neighborhood bar. They can get…territorial.”

Clarke studies the girl who stopped the fight before it began. Leaning back in her chair in the back of the bar, she’s all dark hair and dark eyeliner and dark alcohol. Clarke can see what he’s saying: the glare etched into her face is a clear warning for anyone who might step forward to her.

But the vodka has thinned Clarke’s blood; she’s always been brazen and right now she can’t take that warning as anything less than a challenge.

She grabs Octavia’s wrist and pulls her forward. “C’mon.”

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Here’s the Holby recap no one asked for.

S19E03 - Black Dog

Spoiler: Serena looks like she’s going to cry the entire episode.

- 8:22 - Jason recites the shitty bullying rhyme about Serena kissing Bernie with something about pudding. I don’t really get it and it sounds like something Fletch’s son would make up.

- 10:12 - Immelda Effing Cousins, like a damn pimple, shows up again and says to Dr. Morven Digby while saying hello to Serena that she knows Serena “intimately” to which Morven is like INTIMATELY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU FUCK ALL THE LADIES>?! and Serena has to be like… UHHHH not intimately like vagina on vagina intimately. Also, Jason wants to become a porter.

- 13:54 - Serena has coffee with Hanssen who gives her Bernie’s email which she crunches up and says Bernie chose to stay in the bloody Ukraine but that she should email her and tell her to get her dumb gorgeous ass back

- Hanssen’s OCD is real

- 18:53 - Serena and Immelda trade some Britich/Britch (British Bitch) moments

- 20:00 - Continues with Serena and Immelda only now add Jason who’s job entails picking Serena up and throwing her under the nearest bus over and over again.

- 24:05 - Serena’s reading the Surgical Report that says she has the least new patients in and it takes her longest to discharge which translates to Serena as she’s not pulling her weight and costing the hospital money and not getting enough electives in etc. even thought she’s understaffed on AAU. Then Immelda walks in with a coffee and Jason in tow. Jason wants to become a porter and also, in a very self aware way says “I make people miserable” regarding his job. True bro. True. Then looks at Immelda and says, “like she does” lolol omg Jason I love you.

- 25:33 - Serena says Jason is “above” being a porter now labeling her a snobby lez. Seconds later Bernie is mentioned and something in Serena snaps and says “CAN WE PLEASE GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT SOMEBODY MENTIONING BERENICE BLOODY WOLFE”

- 26:02 - Jason doesn’t really get the idea of “outing” and outs Bernie and pretty much outs Serena but Serena cut him off in front of Immelda

- 29:20 - Hanssen loses his Swedish marbles and blows his lid on a patient he knows. Seeing Hanssen raise his voice is scary. 

- 32:17 - Immelda looks like an android that someone deactivated by remote across the ward. Then she just stands there. Jason sees something is off and in the chillest way possible, becomes a porter, grabs a wheelchair, sets Immelda in it, and rolls off all while Serena is running that cute mouth of hers.

- 34:46 - Immelda comes round, says Serena can’t help her and says “you should know something about your auntie Serena”…

- 37:14 - Serena doing that thing we’ve all done - starting to write a paper, gets the title out and forgets everything just staring at the screen. Immelda and Jason back from a great adventure. Jason calls Serena a snob. Says fuck this job, I want the porter job. Immelda has epilepsy and experienced a petit mal.

- 48:50 - Hanssen asks this patient he knows if depression is genetic. His mother committed suicide and suffered with depression. He’s never been diagnosed, but “it’s always been there, as long as I can remember”. He’s more worried about passing it on to his son (who just inherited his father’s pharmaceutical company in Sweden). Looks like he might step down again… “extended gardening leave” ?

- 52:10 - The job Serena got Immelda years back ended up letting Immelda go be/c of the epilepsy diagnosis. Then while they go looking for Jason, Immelda’s like “sry i was being a b” and Serena’s like “whatevz you were always a b” and Immelda is like “shut up you b luv u”. Then Immelda wants to be friends and Serena is like “no.” LOL AND FRIENEMIES WERE BORN.

- 54:40 - The moment I we’ve all been waiting for. Serena with Shiraz ™. Looks like she’s more than half way through a bottle on her own. Not judging, just hoping an intervention storyline isn’t in the cards. Serena’s Checklist: Action plan to give to the auditors ✓ Jason’s recommendation for the porter gig ✓ Stop being a snob ✓ Write an email to your girlfriend who buggered off to Kiev and has been done with the job for a week and hasn’t come back and wants to stay fucked off to Kiev but you WANT HER BACK B/C LOVE REASONS ✓ Give yourself the new nickname “the hospital” ✓

- 56:30 - Warning, I’m going to scream again here. DID HANSSEN JUST GET RIC THE FUCKING CEO JOB? Yes. Yes he did. I really want to see Serena’s face when she finds this out. It’s like she just keeps getting fucked over at every turn. I’m sorry Hanssen, did you just call Ric Holby’s “moral compass”? And just like in Nanny McPhee, Hanssen buggers off to Sweden until Holby needs him again.

The never-ending sick

In bad-news-that-you-think-won’t-get-worse-but-somehow-surpasses-our-expectations-every-time–news: I had a pulmonary embolism.

I’ve told the story so many times over the phone, via text, and to so many doctors that it feels too rehearsed like I must be forgetting some details but it goes like this:

3 nights ago I had a really weird, heavy chest pain along my sternum. It’s a weird place to have chest pain, and if you google “sternum chest pain” nothing conclusive comes up. The pain in my chest started working its way up my neck, which then felt sort of stiff, but not immobile. It was a radiating pain that slowly worked its way up the back of my head and just felt like a strange headache. I’d never experienced something like it, and as weird as it was, it was not the most painful thing I’ve experienced in the past 2+ months of liver tumors and Lyme disease. After joking with Blake on the phone that I thought I was having an aneurysm, and calling my mom for advice,  I took 2 advil and went to sleep.

The next morning I felt fine again. I snapchatted all day, documenting my adventures in toe-nail painting, re-potting plants, and short walks I’d mastered in my neighborhood. My life feels small in that way lately. I wake up and the things that I have to do is not very long. There are a lot of things I want to do that are a little too big for my capabilities at current. 

Around 7pm, that weird, centered chest pain returned, maybe more intensely, I’m not sure, and I called my mom. I told her about a guy who died recently in his early 30s with an undiagnosed heart condition. Rumors spread, but one I’d heard was that he felt bad for a while, but chose not to go to the hospital or have it checked out because he had shitty insurance. After telling her this story, I asked if I should just take some more advil again or if I should go to the hospital. After extensive Googling of symptoms (and man, why aren’t there better symptom lists for these sorts of things? There’s no way everyone who had a pulmonary embolism only felt 6-8 of the exact same pains…), I decided to wait an hour to see if I felt better. 

We hung up and I went to use the bathroom. I sat on the toilet, focusing on the pain, trying to really feel it and really figure out if there was a better way to describe it to a search engine. Then I realized it was kind of dumb to be doing this, and what the hell? I’ll just order an uber. 

We made it to NYU Langone Cobble Hill in about 20 minutes. I walked up the ramp into the ER. I calmly explained I had chest pains. It was pretty empty in the Emergency Room considering it was a holiday weekend and people are bad at controlling barbecues and fires. I explained all the same story above to a few doctors, and they did a D-Dimer blood test. I asked for the spelling and Googled while I waited. It’s a blood clot test. Apparently 500 of whatever units is what is healthy for a person. While I waited, the doctor ordered a CT scan and an X-Ray. My bed was rolled down the hall, and I looked straight ahead, sort of bummed at how gauche it would be to snapchat that ride. It would have looked really cool.

The tests came and went. Contrast dye burned in my veins. They dragged my bed back to its area, and I was given morphine. Everything was chill now. Nothing hurt. 

The doctor came back and explained my D-Dimer levels were at 4,000 shitty units or whatever. That’s 8x what’s normal. They were definitely looking for a clot. I texted my mom. About 20 minutes later they came back and said I’d definitely be staying overnight, but I’d have to be moved to the main NYU Langone Tisch campus because they didn’t have in-patient facilities at this offshoot. 

I signed a bunch of papers with my right hand because the IV was in the left arm right at the elbow and bending that arm was kind of worse than whatever my chest was doing. Then the doctor confirmed that they’d found a clot in my left lung. That’s when doctor after doctor visited to ask, “okay, so what exactly did you feel?” because apparently the test wasn’t even going to be done until I mentioned the history of heart problems and stroke that run in my family. The way I felt wasn’t the way I was supposed to feel, etc., They couldn’t believe I just walked in and patiently waited for any of this to be tested. I couldn’t believe it was really that serious.

A doctor came over with a large shot–a blood thinner that she told me I’d be administering myself daily for the next 6 months. She shot me in the stomach. I cried. I try not to cry in medical facilities because it alarms the employees and considering how hard of a time doctors have finding my veins, I’d be crying pretty much nonstop if I allowed myself to feel anything. But this hurt. It burned in my stomach for 10 minutes after the shot. I told them that I’d lived a good life, really, and they could keep the shots and I’d rather just let this be the end. 

I’m home now. Ashley and Isha kept me entertained for hours once I was moved to Manhattan. We joked about the flavorless and patriotic American flag cookies that came with the underwhelming Memorial Day lunch. We played a new favorite game, “Who do you hear when you hear Tom Hanks?” I hear Woody, Ashley hears Coach Dugan from A League of their Own and Isha hears Colin Hanks. The doctors put me on so many blood thinners and percocet and morphine that I laughed with ease until I was discharged. The liver surgery will be postponed indefinitely, I have to make 800 phone calls and appointments to make sure nothing goes south. But I’m home. 

Thank you all for all the well-wishes and support. As disconnected as I still feel from all of this, because let’s face it, I’m 26 and two months ago I was live-tweeting what I thought was a baby rash that would last exactly 10 days and now I’m being told on a regular basis that I “could have died if I didn’t come in.” It all feels too dramatic to be real. But it is. And that’s life.

But please, PLEASE, go to the hospital if you feel sick. If you feel a little off. We do not have debtors’ prison in America for health related costs. The cost should not scare you. It will not ruin your life. And your life is more important. I promise. Please get it checked out every time. 

I’ll keep you updated. If you’re one of the sweet little doves that are asking, my PO box is:

Akilah Hughes
1130 Bedford Avenue
Box #303
Brooklyn, NY 11216