I don’t want to talk about how much I miss you,
instead I want to count all of the stars in the sky
so I could spend an eternity thinking about something else.
I want to kiss the earth that I walk,
be grateful for my existence at least once,
at least because I exist at the same time as you—
The universe is endless and vast,
yet there are people who don’t think other lifeforms exist.
You are by far the most beautiful lifeform I’ve ever encountered with the loveliest eyes
and I was put on mood stabilizers since you’ve been gone.
You always asked me if I was okay
and I could only ever tell you ‘no’
but never explain.
And I wonder if you’re hurt, if you miss me,
you have to miss me, don’t you?
I’m leaving the country in twenty two days,
and if I wake up in someone else’s bed,
would you hate me?
You would, wouldn’t you?
But I miss you so much and it feels like I’m going to die,
so I’ll make checklists of things to do without you
and I’ll pretend like I’m not waiting for you to come back by kissing other boys and letting their hands roam like yours once did.
And maybe I’ll count the grains of sands on the Honduran beaches
where you’ll find me drinking rum punch
because I was always happier when I wasn’t sober.
And I’ll think about how I’m too fucked up to love
or ever be loved,
and how I can’t sleep anymore,
and somehow convince myself that I’m coping with your absence.
But I can’t say it out loud because it makes it too real,
so I tell everyone that I’m doing fine that you’re gone.
I forgive you, by the way.
For breaking my heart when you promised not to,
but I don’t think you really knew,
you didn’t know that my heart exploded.
I just don’t know when I’ll
forgive myself for missing you.