an alternate universe where youtube poops air on tv and coherent television shows are what stoned teenagers hack together in sony vegas and upload to youtube 

Chastity, you asked for it.

My own fault, sent the key to an ex-girlfriend, who am still good friends with. She called me up, thanked me for the card and asked what the key was for as I had asked her to call me when it arrived and to hold onto it for a few weeks. I said I didn’t want to tell her over the phone but could I come down an show her. She said I have to tell her first, so I said a chastity device. She asked if it was on, I said no I was waiting to confirm she had the key. She said I should have asked first and she was going to throw both keys away. I was glad that I hadn’t put it on but sad with her response. About a month later she called me up, said she still had the keys safe and asked if I still had the device and could she see it. I drove the 3 hours to her place and showed her the device. It’s a metal belt device with a anal ring and a solid cock sheath sticking out and down at the front and a cross at the end. She picked it up and turned it over a few times in her hands. She then said you are willing to wear this if I say I will be your, your keyholder as you described it? Yes I said. Let me get this straight, I don’t have to do anything apart from not giving you the keys back and that means you can’t get hard, cum or even touch yourself unless I say so? Yes I said again. Fine do you have the padlock with you? I showed it to her and she said lock it and hand it to me. I did and told me to wait. She then went to her room and 2 minutes later came back with the open padlock. Now you can see I have the keys so now I want to see this chastity device on you. I started to strip and she kept asking if I was sure about this and did she need to do anything. I kept assuring her it was fine and no she did not have to do a thing. Once naked she turned to me and said do I want to do anything before it goes away. My heart was racing and my mind went blank, I just said I need to get it on quick before I get to hard or change my mind. I put the belt around my waist and she passed the underside between my legs to me. Within a few seconds my cock was in the tube and my balls were through the hole just below. I could feel my cock start to harden as I put the left side over the tab for the padlock. I then pulled the right side over and slid it over the tab. While holding it she slipped the padlock through the hole, sat back and said are you sure you want this. Let me look this over. She then pulled, turned me around and bent me over and said so this is where you poop and you have to sit to pee, right? Yes. Ok I will ask you one last time if this is what you want? Yes this what I want, I said. Right, she said, stand in front of me, hands behind your back, last chance… before I could open my mouth she snapped the lock shut. Got you, she smiled, and I get to say when you get out as you forgot to ask. You see I have been reading up online about this and the best way is to get them locked before a time limit can be set, then it becomes the keyholder’s decision, you might regret this before long. She then grabbed my balls and said these are mine also and I expect then to get real full, and she gave them a firm squeeze. I let out a sharp breath. She let go and said get dressed we can go for a meal and a movie, your treat to me. Everything was fine until it was time for me to leave. Work the next day and a 3 hour drive home. As we kissed goodbye she placed her hand on the device, all mine she said, I like that idea. She then placed a sealed envelope in my pocket. Be sure to call me when you get back, but I know you will. The drive home was fine but I needed to go to the toilet as soon as I walked in. Then it sunk in, sitting to pee, every time. I cleaned myself up and called her to say I was home. She then showed how into this she was by saying stay on the phone as I bring myself off. An hour later she had finished and had told me to call her tomorrow. There I was in chastity, with a woman over 3 hours away with the only keys, but then I remembered there was a third key I had held back in an emergency. It was in ice in my freezer, so would defrost in about 2 hours and the I could masturbate myself to sleep. The time seemed to take for ever but I got the key. Time for release, I put the key in but it would not turn. I tried over and over again still it would not turn. I then remembered the envelope she had given me. I opened it and 2 keys were inside with a card saying, I am returning your keys and as you should have found out they don’t fit your padlock. I checked online and I found out that type is issued with 3 keys, so I purchased my own so I have all 3 to the one you are wearing. Let this be your first lesson, do not try me. I want to do this for you and you will follow my rules. The first rule is from now on no male underwear ever. You might have to buy pads to help with the leaks. Now call me and say thank you for being such a great keyholder.
My face dropped, this is it, for real. All I can say is be careful what you wish for.


I tried posting this yesterday but tumblr was bein a lil bitch so. I have given this some thought, and I can’t be the only one??? What about the real, the icky stuff of the inquisition?? Like

• the inquisitor walking funny because she has a damp cloth full of satans tears in her breeches. I mean. It just won’t stay put.

• someone stopping the whole travellers party because they ate a suspicious sausage and the time to poop is Now

• Hair??? Its always bouncy and shiny where as I can’t lay down on my couch for one god damn minute without it looking like I stuck a fork into the electrical socket

• WHAT. IS UP. with the smut that goes “oo bby u just got home from battle and non stop travel imma eat you out like a buffé, schlurp”

• Also sweaty penipses. Dick cheese. (Alistair approves)

• I would like to hear some accidental battle-poots, Bioware. Everyone farts. And it would be funny, because that is who I am as a person.
Iron Bull putting a bit too much force into his swing and prrrrrf.
I’d die laughing

•Solas drinks his tea to help his constipation.
(Now we know why he is so grumpy)

What have you learned playing Zoo Tycoon?
  • Children go to the zoo alone and have 700 dollars
  • Animals always poop where “Zookeeper 14 can’t reach the ungulate poop”
  • Tropical Rainforest plants can live for several years in Antarctica
  • Zookeepers don’t have to eat, sleep, drink, urinate, breathe, and can tread water for years at a time.
  • Guests can be chased by animals that are contained in their exhibits
  • Some guests have a teleportation ability and teleport into animals exhibits and wonder why they get attacked
  • Before Zoo’s unlock marine animals they don’t have to clean their animal’s water.
  • Endangered animals never want to have children, unless zoos have the conservation breeding center, then they really pop those suckers out
  • Animals can almost never reach their food - even while they’re eating

anonymous asked:

Do u ever have those poops where your body is like "IT'S COMING" so u run to a toilet but then it's like... The Smallest Little Pebble so ur like "Body... wtf"

good morning to you too!


By Holly Gleason

When Taylor Swift took the witness stand in Denver, it seemed many people had forgotten—she was being sued. This public rehashing of an ugly breach-of-personal-space (a clinical term for gross sexual assault) was not instigated by Swift lashing out at a guy who lost all sense of courtesy, boundaries or couth. It was a result of a $3,000,0000 suit brought against her because his employer decided they didn’t cotton to that sort of conduct.

Swift—who countersued for sexual assault—had the “privilege” of retreading the experience of a man, an industry professional who should know better, sliding his hand under her garment, and grabbing her “ass.” When the picture-perfect star tersely hurled the term, she more than echoed the attitude of the kind of man who might consider such an action funny, a good story—or who just decided to act on his worst impulses. She’s not coming at him, people. On the day of the incident, she went back to the dressing room and told her mother—more than many victims of sexual assault or harassment get to do—and they had the gentleman escorted from the building. If they let his employer know, providing physical back-up, that’s only good stewardship: who wants someone repping their call letters who crosses those kinds of lines?

That the station said, “We don’t think so” is a victory for decency. In an industry where women are shushed or demoted—or promoted in exchange for their silence—a radio station stepped up and terminated the guy. Because beyond being bad for relations with Team Taylor, his violation sets a bad precedent across the board.

But what’s so egregious here is that we live in a world where this is a debatable, where an aggressor can just keep coming instead of taking responsibility for his actions. Where instead of apologizing he feels justified in suing the victim for the consequences of (as Swift pointed out in her testimony) his choices.

Andrea Swift, her mother, not only had to take the stand—and defend actions that in the momentum of a concert cycle in motion are locked in—but had to question her own parenting. After all, the mega-multiplatinum blond didn’t cause a scene; this was most likely to keep the incident from turning into a cyclone as people whipped out cell phones to tweet, snapchat or Instagram the moment. This, protector rues, “made me question why, as a parent, I had encouraged her to be so polite.” We live in a world where parents are forced to question the wisdom of teaching their children manners, courtesy, respect? Yes, the same world where a person saying “no” or “that’s not appropriate” (no matter how many people agree) is not acceptable.

As Karen Glauber points out with the title of her brilliant “In Other News, Today Is Wednesday” piece following the ouster of L.A. Reid, this sort of behavior is hardly unprecedented. Nor is perpetrator David Mueller’s allergy to consequences. What is news is an artist standing up for herself, digging in and saying, “No.”

And what’s especially heart-rending is even with witnesses, proof, a fairly clear pool of who did it, initially even the Swifts opted to keep silent. Again, Andrea Swift acted as a mother, concerned for the welfare of her child more than a clinical execution.

“I did not want this event to define her life,” she insisted in testimony reported by People. “I did not want every interview from now on to have to make her include what happened to her. I did not want her to have to live through the endless memes and GIFs that tabloid media and Internet trolls would come up with.”

We absolutely wanted to keep this private,” she added, “but we did not want him to get away with it. He sexually assaulted her.”

I’ve been there. Didn’t tell my parents for fear of the emotional damage it would do to them. I couldn’t face grown-ups asking questions, insinuating a tomboy from an all-girls school in baggy jeans and a t-shirt asked for it because I was in the teenage perpetrator’s home while the mother was at work. Even though I was kicked in the stomach and thrown into a wall. Because having to talk about it over and over with people who didn’t know me, care about me, would want to destroy me to save this football-playing jock who took my virginity, felt even more terrible to me, as a 15-year old girl, than everything else that had transpired. Did Taylor Swift or her people get the DJ fired? Doubtful. She’s got better things to do, and she trusts nature to take its course. Did Taylor Swift make it up,  as the DJ is alleging? Seems hard to believe in all the galaxies of meet-and-greets, scads of young girls, tons of music industry executives streaming through. Why would she single him out?

Our culture has come to a place where “reasonable doubt” often silences the ones who’ve been assaulted. There is no meaningful support for them, especially as they go through the judicial system. And for the defendant in these cases, it’s no holds barred because—as we saw in the Stanford sexual assault ruling—it would have a “severe impact” on the man.

So, we shut up and shut down. It’s a rare person who will stand up and speak out in the face of this glare. Maybe it’s because he sued her. Maybe it’s because she recognized that she had more evidence, more ability to tell. Maybe it’s because she has a platform and enough support that when she says enough is enough, Taylor Swift is unstoppable. Taylor Swift stood up, because so many of us couldn’t. And even more importantly than women, or anyone being pursued inappropriately, speaking up, it would be nice if men would check their game. Maybe the rule of thumb should be: Would I want someone doing that to my daughter? My sister? My assistant? My wife? If you wouldn’t want it done unto those women in your life, then don’t do it. Not to the cocktail waitress, the perky promo rep who hasn’t been through the ringer, the assistant who knows it’s her job to make you feel welcome. Here’s the deal: We want to be nice, friendly, helpful. Being interested in what you’re saying is not a license to grab someone’s butt—or suggest what someone ought to be doing to you later. It means you’re on the list, and “have fun at the show.” Rather than worrying about “standing up,” it would be nice to not have to worry at all. Let’s hang out. Be pals. Let’s leave the conjugal conjugations elsewhere. My Dad raised me not to poop where I eat—and it’s happened that I’ve had fiancées in my business – because when you work the kind of hours we all do, industry people understand.  Still, there’s a massive difference between mutual attraction and intimidation, even in this hook-up world.

So, think—about your daughters, sisters, assistants, friends. Then, as the Georgia Satellites once brayed, “Keep Your Hands To Yourself.”

golden bloom

genre: fluff, songfic (nct dream - walk you home)
word count: 1k+
audio: here (HAHAHAH but that’s the only thing i’ve been listening to)
a/n: this is a one-shot so i apologise if it isn’t good. walk you home is such a great song tears. if you read this (and what’s below) thank you! i really appreciate it

Originally posted by mayfifolle

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anonymous asked:

can i point out that in the scene where a bird poops in his cereal theres a framed pic of them hanginv on the wall

it was a gift from a fan (well fans i think. from russia? or something? possibly?) that phil showed off in a liveshow once and it’s rly cute