where's the chloroform

lucky number thirteen (black tapes podcast fic)

quick fic written in accordance to all the Black Tapes Podcast canon I know, so the first ten episodes listened to with great passion over the last 48 hours 

In Strand’s life, he’s been punched thirteen times to the face (nine solidly connecting), seven of which were unpleasant but understandable. If you are compiling an account of more general attacks upon his body, the number would be closer to fifty, which sounds more dramatic than it is. Most people don’t know how to fight. Strand, by necessity, does—at least more than the average charlatan outraged at being debunked. As to how many attacks Strand deserved, it would depend on your metric. Without condoning violence as a response to indisputable science, some aggressions certainly more prompted than others. Strand understands human psychology, and the corollary to that is that he should act with some consideration of human psychology in mind. It’s small minds that believe in baseless superstition, and small minds get frightened when confronted with evidence that contradicts their beliefs. Humans on the whole prefer anger to terror, and so fear gets sublimated into aggression which in turn gets sublimated into a fist aimed at Strand’s nose. As he said—unpleasant but understandable.

“Wow,” says Alex. “If this is you being gracious, I get why people punch you so much.”

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Based on this prompt: “Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?”

I can’t find the creator of the prompt so if anyone finds it could you please IM it to me.


Remus yawned. Taking a glance at the alarm clock in their room, he groaned. It was way too early to wake up or too late. He could not think properly right now: it was almost 2AM.
He woke because he turned on himself and was about to cuddle with Sirius for some warmth(that man was a human heater) when he felt his arm the cold sheets.
He left the bed begrudgingly and also slightly curious. What prompted Sirius to leave their bed in the middle of the night. He padded barefooted into their kitchen to find Sirius dressed in all black and apparently looking for something.
If it had been anyone else, Remus would have been worried but after living with Sirius, he was simply vaguely curious.
“Oh Moons. Did I wake you up?” Sirius asked when he noticed Remus. He was opening some cupboards. “Do you know where the chloroform is?”
Remus’ grogginess left him immediately and moved to the satchel Sirius left on the counter. There were gloves, a rope, a mask and other things. Remus stopped looking at some point. If his boyfriend had just decided that he was bout to become a criminal he wanted to hear from his mouth.
“Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?” Remus deadpanned.
“Well to kidnap Reggie!” Sirius said as if it was the most obvious thing on earth while still looking in all their cupboards.
“Okay Sirius wait.” He had grabbed Sirius by the arm to keep him still and looked at the black-hair man. “Please explain to me why you need to kidnap Reg? Please?”
Sirius sighed. “Well my dear Moons while you weren’t hear, Prongs and Reggie came by. We decided to watch James Bond and I was just saying that I could totally be James Bond. And Regie said I can’t. Not the muggle way at least. So now, I’m going to kidnap him and show him, that yes!, I can be James Bond. Now will you please help me find the chloroform.”
Remus debated between sighing and rolling his eyes at his boyfriend or letting out the laughter that was bubbling out. “Pads, you can’t just kidnap your brother. No wait” he added when Sirius looked about to protest. “You can’t kidnap him today. It’s Thursday and Harry is with them tonight.”
Remus did a mental victory dance when Sirius seemed to consider this. It won’t take long to convince him now. “Also, imagine James’ reaction. How do you think he’ll react when you kidnap his husband the night Harry is with them.”
“I suggest you wait until Monday. Regulus would not be suspicious, Harry won’t be with them and I’ll even help you.” Sirius visibly perked up at the last suggestion.
“Now come to bed.” He had already started to remove those camouflage clothes Sirius had put on. “I’m cold and need someone to spoon.”
Sirius ginned and let Remus pulled to bed. Throwing the duvet over them, Remus snaked his arm around Sirius’ middle pulling him close. He kissed him lightly on the neck and fell asleep nuzzling his head into Sirius’ hair.

Silver Tongue Pt.4

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sex… and that’s all I think?

Word Count: 1,351

So I have accidentally become obsessed with writing fics… SO have part four lol!




A week. It had been a week since that horrible night. And a week since he had seen or heard from you. The first two days he spent waiting for you to waltz in the front doors and jump into his arms. The next three he spent in a rage. How dare you abandon him?! He thought while destroying the many priceless paintings that decorated the walls. Anger consumed him during those days as he dug himself into a darker hole then he was already in. The last two days of that week he spent sulking. He would lurk around his mansion and sigh loudly whenever he was around his henchmen. Hoping for them to ask if he was okay so he could shoot one of them. Unfortunately they had been taught better than that. Not to say he didn’t kill a few low level ones just for fun. Fun. That seemed like a foreign word to him now. Sure, he still laughed his wicked cackle all the time but it almost felt out of habit more than genuine pleasure. So here it was day seven and not so much as a peep from you. 

“That’s it! I’m comin to get cha!” He screamed out. 

Frost was happy for the week of recovery he had gotten. Because when he heard his boss man shout, he was ready to find his girl. He knew he’d need it.

You had spent the majority of the past week in your hotel. Either sitting in the hot tub in the cool night air watching the steam swirl up from the hot water into the sky. Or snuggled up by the lobby fireplace reading, and sometimes writing. The days didn’t drag on nor did they disappear. They simply just happened. You were curled up in the high backed chair that say facing the fireplace, watching the flames dance. Your phone was on your lap, you hadn’t been on it much only to occasionally see if J had texted you yet. He hadn’t. Staring at the fire you thought about when you would do this with J.

There was a giant fireplace in the bedroom you shared together. You often spent your winter nights lying on the bear skin rug that laid in front of the mantle.With your head resting on J’s chest, your naked bodies intertwined. J would tell you his favorite jokes, while he danced his fingers around on your back. Causing the two of you to burst into laughing fits, that would take a while to come down from. You would confide in him about your past. And he would promise to protect you from it. That was the first time you realized he cared for you more than anyone else. “Nothing’s going to harm you.” He had whispered into your ear, when had thought you dozed off. You nuzzled your head into his neck to get closer to him, and to also hide the enormous grin that spread across your face.

A smiled formed on your face as tears wet your eyes from thinking about the memory. It had take you seven days to swallow your ego and realize how much you missed your love. You picked up your phone ready to talk to him and see if he still even wanted you. You quickly typed out a text

‘I’m yours. If you’ll still have me.’

Before you could hit send A man sat down in the high backed chair to the right of you. You quickly set down your phone to wipe away the tears that had fallen onto your cheeks.

“You know fires are suppose to make you feel better, not cry.” He spoke to you.

You let out a breathy laugh, “ha don’t worry they are happy tears.” 

“Well in that case continue,” he laughed.

 He was wearing a black baseball cap and a matching black zip up sweater with dark washed jeans. His face was hard to make out, it was covered in shadows from the fire and his cap. All you could see was a strong jaw line and five ‘o'clock shadow. He looked and felt very familiar. 

“Quiet nights spent by the fire are a rarity, I usually prefer the nightlife.” He spoke to you his nose sounding stuffy.

Then it clicked ‘night life’ he was the man in the corner booth. You jumped out of you seat your phone falling off your lap and under the chair. 

‘It’s you from the -” 

before you could finish your sentence he wrapped his arms around you, and hugged you? Your face was shoved into his sweater clad chest, where you smelt something funny. Chloroform. You gasped accidentally inhaling more of the smell. You were losing consciousness when you looked up into the man’s face. Only to stare at the cotton that was shoved into his nostrils, explaining the reason for his stuffy nose. As the man carried you away, telling the on lookers you must have had to much to drink, your phone lit up from under the chair.

-1 New Text message from J-

J had become giddy with joy at the thought of seeing you again. He had ordered all his men to keep an eye for you around the city. He assigned his best PI’s to track your location down, they had been following your bank records, while the hackers had been trying to track the location of your phone. J was lurking over there shoulders in the tech room when his head PI entered. He was holding her dress and shoes in his hands. J yanked them from his grasp. 

“Where did you find these?” he asked rubbing the silky fabric against his cheek.

 “Uhh… in the trash,-” J dropped the fabric from his face. 

-”outside of (your favorite store). We tracked one your cards there. The worker told us she bought a new set of clothes and was in and out in 15 minutes. But we did look at an account she had from two years ago. She withdrew all her savings from it at a ATM by the shop. But after that her electronic trail runs cold. We’ll keep at it though Mr.Joker.” 

J turned his back on the man dismissing him with a wave of his hand. She’d thrown it away. The dress he had gotten for her after their first night they had spent together. Joker never consider him a sentimental man. But there was a strange heaviness on his heart when he pictured her dumping the dress into the garbage. Hmm garbage, maybe that’s what she thought of him. The part of his mind that was telling him he’d be delighted to see him, was being to let doubt seep through its cracks. 

“Mr. Joker, her phone is located at a Four Seasons hotel in downtown Gotham. We’ve got her sir.” J let out a loud laugh, while pulling out his phone and sending a text to you.

-I’m coming for you dolly-

After searching her room and coming up empty J stalked back down to front desk. Brandishing his gun at anyone who dared to look at him. 

“Where is she?” He asked the hotel manager while using gun to point at a picture of you.

“Shh-she was sitting in front of the fireplace about 15 minutes ago.” The fat balding man sputtered out. 

“Well she’s not here now is she?!” He flipped the high backed chair in is anger, when he saw her phone lying where the chair had previously been. 

He dropped to his knees picking it up. He opened it with his fingerprint, she couldn’t hate me to much if she hadn’t deleted that out. He thought, while opening his text to her. His heart sank.

 -I’m yours. If you’ll still have me.- 

was typed in the text box, but never sent. 

“Pull up the security cameras!” A indescribable rage seeped up from his feet to his head. It licked his insides, white hot anger consumed him.

Thanks for reading!

AUs because I am AU trash
  • you’re my neighbour and your cat likes to gift me with dead things which is supposed to be a sign of affection or something but I keep having to get rid of dead birds and lizards please control your pet
  • you were drunk and accidentally called me at 2 in the morning and I would have hung up but you actually say some pretty philosophical shit and now oops you always call me when your drunk and things snowball from there
  • ‘I had a shit day and I swear to god if you don’t let me have that last cupcake I will cut you’
  • ‘you’re like a foot shorter than me and threatening me for eating the last cupcake and I should not be this turned on right now’ (’I apologise the next day by sending you a box of said cupcakes’)
  • ‘I called you here because your child started a paint war in my classroom and was getting all ready to blow you out but oh no you’re hot’
  • I got your old textbook from textbook rentals and it is filled with really nerdy facts and doodles about another subject what the fuck dude
  • exam time and ‘what the fuck were those examiners on when they set the paper’ so we end up making dumb faces at each other when the invigilators aren’t looking
  • I bought an engagement ring here 2 weeks ago but then my significant other dumped me and we end up fighting when I try to return because I told you exactly where you could put your pity 
  • you accidentally messaged me asking where I left the chloroform and now I’m slightly alarmed
  • you’re a really hot but really grumpy department store worker and I accidentally hit you with my trolley oh god please don’t be mad
  • you were messing around with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a barbecue lighter and I told you to stop
  • you were messing around with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a barbecue lighter and did not listen to me when I told you to stop so now we’re stuck in the A&E together I am not talking to you again you idiot
  • I’m bi/multilingual and you apparently have a kink for someone speaking in other languages… interesting
  • neither of us like babies or each other but we’re in charge of planning a baby shower for our mutual friend so get ready to see my face almost everyday for a good few weeks asshole
  • (+bonus: we accidentally get drunk planning said baby shower and banged and now I might be pregnant??? WELL ISN’T THIS A TWIST OF EVENTS)

We’re chaos
in aluminum cans
Strings un-taut, Lost
between frequencies
Flimsy apologies
Trustfalls into
silver echoes that
break the billows
with words, Procured
from simple snips
Careless grips
Recycled mosh pits
where beatings
feel warm, Chloroform
against heaving chests
Shrink wrapped allies
around raised wrists
like admission requests
Inhaling minutes
behind the bumpers
of someone else’s
soldered success