where my head is today


there is so much more inside me now.

I adulted today. I adulted pretty well. I have constant Resting Bitch Face, I never feel Pretty Enough™, and I’m kind of short, but I’m proud of how well I did today.

Things to do when a customer stares at you for too long

- Stare back

- Blow them a kiss

- Ignore them

- Wink

- Stare even harder

- Slowly tilt your head to one side while grinning like a psycho

- Lick your lips

- Have a staring competition

- i g n o r e

- t h e m

- Throw coffee beans onto them like confetti

- Offer them a lap dance

- Do a cartwheel or two

- Lick your fingers and rub your nipples

- Throw coffee on them

- “Can I help you?”

- Meow like a cat

- Psycho grin while holding up a teaspoon

- Lick your nipples

- i  g  n  o  r  e

- Flare your nostrils several times in rapid succession

- Sit on the floor in front of them and stare back

- Pick your nose

- More coffee confetti

- coffetti

- Psycho grin while picking nose

- Give up ignoring them and serve them anyway bc both customer and boss have noticed the ignoring. Both are getting pissy

- stare instead

fun fact;

i’m self taught when it comes to a majority of my dance skills and i’m not naturally flexible in my back, legs or hips. i used to get teased at comps bc my technique was poor (this was simply bc i didn’t have a teacher to correct me, i had to correct myself which can be really fkn difficult when u dont know what ur doing wrong in the first place). it’s taken a lot of blood, sweat, tears and damn determination to get myself to where i am today (+ a minor concussion from slamming my head on a coffee table lmao spacial awareness was off that day) 

eleven months later:

moral of the story: don’t be discouraged if you can’t do something right now kiddos, here’s proof that a little hard work and persistence can go a long way

Me, typing: ‘Someone come and love on Seifer because I experienced a scary thing and I need something fluffy and light because–’

Seifer, holding down delete key and shoving me out of the way: Ah-ah… in this house we don’t fluff, we angst. 

Me, squinting at Muse: “But…. but I want this–" 

Seifer, shoving me away with sing-songy voice: No~

Ty for asks n replies. Jamie said he’s going to sort w Jake. Got to compromise coz it ain’t doing me n e good. Have made so many friends here tho n honest liked using this page to journal. Helped me feel like some1 was listening. But 4K people following here is worrying to me tbh. I don’t want that many people knowing our business. Does that make sense? We’ve always tried to b selective on what we share here but apparently that even gets us in shit because we r “too happy/fine” 🙄

Also worried bout us being a science project on 1 hand for these followers but on the other side I don’t want us to b the “central”/“face” of DID coz we deffo ain’t n I don’t want that. We r 1 system w a story. That’s it. We don’t always get things right n we r discovering as much about ourselves as people reading r. Problem is we don’t have to talk about shit we don’t want to either n that needs to b respected.

If other blogs want to post about the bad shit n their histories that’s 100% their choice lyk n I will always respect that. But we ask for the same in reverse. We post mild bad but general good. We like getting to kno others n being able to talk about us as people. Don’t like it? That’s fine n u don’t have to follow. No 1 is making u.

There’s lots that have got us to this place of cooperation n communication that’s all done behind scenes. Shit that we don’t always feel comfortable to share n that pressure to share it is there. We don’t want to talk about what we don’t post. Jess has been accused of ‘ignoring’ her fragments for example. No bitch. We just don’t post about it. We have other shit to do than be 100% open n spend all of our time here. Jess don’t like having a new alter but who does??? She’s fucking human. Not a martyr or n e 1 that’s n e different on their own DID journey u kno? N she gets pressured to say n do the right things all the time when actually all she wanted to do when she discovered the last part was break down here n vent in a million pieces but she was bashed when she posted negatively about her feelings?? We all got that pressure to some degree to say n do the right things n that’s not on.

This is our fucking space n this is for journaling n documenting n meeting others who can relate. We ain’t the pinnacle or perfection of DID n that’s got to b erased b4 I feel comfortable to continue down this route n gaining new followers. We r just 1 being in this community. Nothing more or less special than n e 1 else. N that needs to be understood right the way through.

Soz for the rant. Dunno where my heads at today.

spaci1701 replied to your post: On a related hippy dippy bullshit note, today I…

Speaking as one who can take the bags to the store and forget then on the passenger seat, I feel you. My go to is to keep a bag of bags in my truck at all times. When I empty them they get hung on the back of the front door. And I have a ludicrous number of them, partially because I use them for meetings, etc. Have you found your phone? That’s a very scary concept, being phone less!

I found it in the fridge. I have no idea where my brain was today but it was not in my head lmao

Our Story

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff!

Originally posted by taetaehyungs

When I first saw her, I didn’t see her specifically, I saw the stack of books she was carrying. I remember watching her from behind a bookshelf carry that stack over to a table where she promptly sat down and opened one. For some reason, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. There was something about her. I didn’t know what. Maybe it was how the light streamed in from a nearby window, illuminating her fair skin and beautiful hair. Maybe it was the way she pushed a strand of it behind her ear as she leaned over the book. Or maybe it was the way her face would change depending on what she was reading. If it was funny, her mouth would turn upwards and she’d shake, as though she was suppressing her laughter from disturbing the library. I remember how badly I wanted to hear that laugh.
When it was sad, she’d hunch over the book even further, keeping her eyes down just in case anyone noticed the little tears forming. I did.
Soon, however, I had realized why I was so drawn to her.

Her eyes.

She’d come to the library often, and I couldn’t help but line the times I came to the times I knew she was here. Sometimes she’d come in with eyes dark, as if from a lack of sleep, or just a bad start to her day. I remember those days I wished to go to her and just give her a hug.
I loved her eyes especially when she’d be searching the bookshelves, looking for a new book to take her on a roller coaster ride that she hadn’t experienced yet. Her eyes would light up then, sparkling with excitement and giddiness. Her smile would spread wide, showing her teeth. I had found her to be utterly beautiful in that moment. So happy. So excited. So alive.
I used to wonder just what it was about books that made her like that. Sure I’d come every now and then, pick up a new book. But I never felt that way. I never understood just what a book could do. I saw it as just a hunk of paper with some words hastily written onto them, with no real concern of the outcome. Now I understand. Or at least, I understand how it can make you feel that way. Make her feel that way.

Soon I had found myself picking up the books that she’d checked out, and reading them. I found those especially interesting. Maybe it was because of the story. Maybe it was because I knew she had read it.
Curiosity soon got the best of me, and I flipped to the front page of the book, looking at the tag that listed the people who had checked it out. She was always the last one before me. Y/N. I’d never spoken to her, but somehow I felt it fit her perfectly. Beautiful name, for a beautiful book loving girl.

Weeks went by. Months. I still hadn’t worked up enough courage to actually talk to this radiant girl who seemed to live in books. Some days I remember wondering if I should just give up. Leave her alone. After all, as far as I’d known, she hadn’t spared me a single glance. Later on she had told me that she looked at me just as much I had looked at her.

She didn’t come in for awhile. I couldn’t help but get worried. Where was the mysterious girl? Was she sick? Would she come back? Is she not coming to this library anymore? That last thought hurt the most, so I pushed it into the back of my mind.
When she finally did return, I remember all these emotions washing over me. Relief that she was okay, that she was back. Fear that she might disappear again. Hope that she didn’t. Hope that maybe she’d notice me. And I remember that day, exactly when she did.

She had walked in, looking around the library. I had thought that maybe she was looking for a certain section of books. But she wasn’t. She looked around until her sparkling eyes landed on me. I froze. So did she. Our eyes had been seemingly locked, neither one of us unable to break the connection. This small moment meaning so much to me, and I hoped it meant the same to her.
Soon, she gave me her dazzling smile, her eyes telling me that she was there. That she wasn’t leaving. That she knew I was waiting for her to come back. And then it was over. Just as quick as it occurred.
She headed towards a bookshelf and continued her mission of finding that new roller coaster. She sat down in the same spot. But this time I didn’t. I couldn’t help myself. Not after having that small moment with her that I sincerely hope was a moment to her as well. Because this time, instead of heading to my usual table, I headed towards hers.
As I got closer, her eyes drifted up, and filled with surprise at the sight of another person sitting with her. We sat there, staring before I finally spoke to her.

“Hi, uh…I’m N-Namjoon. What’s your name?” I remember feeling stupid at that moment, stumbling over my own name and seeming so simple minded with my introduction. But she made me nervous. And she still does. She didn’t seem to mind the clumsiness of it though, for she smiled,(god I love her smile) and spoke in the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you, Namjoon.” I didn’t tell her I already knew her name. And I especially didn’t tell her that I loved the way my name seemingly rolled off her tongue with ease. Like we were meant to meet. To speak. I realized it was illogical, but I held onto that hope.

We didn’t speak after that. We both just continued reading, glancing at each other every now and then with coy little smiles, and blushes on our cheeks. It felt like we sat there for hours, but it must’ve only been half of one. When she was done reading for the day, she stood up, stowed her book away in her bag, and headed out the door. That day was what put it all into motion.

After, every time we’d see each other, we’d learn something new about the other person. Why she loves books. What her favorite color is. What are her dreams. Her hopes. When we got more comfortable, she had told me that she hoped to speak to me. I didn’t say anything in return, just smiled. Because she didn’t know that she was my dream.

I said that I never understood just how books can affect one person so much. How it can evoke so many emotions in one person. And although it wasn’t necessarily the books, that library brought me to her. And she made me feel so many things. Wonder. Awe. Fear. Hope.


I understand now why people love books so much. Only because her love for books made me understand. Only because her love of books brought me to love her.

Years later, we still visit that library. Sometimes we joke about how shy we were. And how much we’ve grown. Little does she know I owe my happiness to that library. Because of it, i found her.

And little does Y/N know, I’m proposing to her at the very table we first spoke at. Where our very own story began.

Hi lovelies! This idea popped into my head today and I just had to write it! I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading!-Sar💖

“And if that doesn’t work, we bring back chastity belts!”

A Present For My Suggy

A Present For My Suggy

Previous Imagine: See Through My Eyes Part 1

Jack Maynard is the world’s most amazing boyfriend, or he will be once Joe Sugg opens his birthday present. Today was Joe’s birthday and the one thing that he’s been talking about all year was getting a dog. He’s just never had the actually courage to go out and buy one, always finding a way to talk himself out of it, but lucky for him Jack got the dog for him.

Jack had kept the dog at Josh’s for the past 2 day, because he was worried Joe would come over to his flat unannounced and find the little scamper wandering around. He had managed to get his hands on an Alaskan Husky with the bluest eyes he has ever seen, as soon as Joe laid his eyes on this pup it was going to be instant love.

Jack got up and got dressed for the day, he needed to head over to Josh’s to finish setting up everything with the pup, then he needed to start decorating Josh’s house for the party. Today was going to be an eventful day, but it also was going to make a good vlog video.

“Good morning everybody, as some of you may know today Joe’s birthday, and if you don’t know Joe is my boyfriend. So this vlog is going to be all about Joe, but the first thing I have to do today is head over to Josh’s where my present resides, I think Joe’s really going to like it,” Jack stop filming and headed off to grab his stuff.


“And we’ve made it to, I think you all are going to like my present. Marvin!” Jack called and the Alaskan pup came running, bumping into Jack’s leg his vision not duly developed yet. “Guys meet Marvin the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen, isn’t he the cutest?”

“I thought Joe was the cutest,” Josh teased while entering the room with a dirty pee pad.

“Oh he is but Marvin is the cutest dog, together they’re going to be the the top cutest pair in the world,” Jack rubbed Marvins little head as he picked the pup up and gave the camera a good look. “Say hi Marv,” said but just let’s out a soft yawn, causing Jack to swoon.

“What are the plans for today?” Josh asked as he looked through the bags Jack had brought over, every one filled to the brim with decorations. “Ugh why did I agree on having the celebration here?”

“Because your flat is big, and you love Joe,” Josh sighed in defeat, it was true after all. “Now come on Marv, you need a good hiding spot while I get to work.”


Mikey and Conor had come around an hour later, Josh and Jack had barely finished filling up the balloons so they needed the extra help.

“Wow you guys are slow, where’s Marvy?” Conor was already on the search for the pup, who barked from behind the baby gate in the hallway. “Jack! You have him locked away, noo!”

“Oi you didn’t come over to play with Marvin, now make use with those arms and legs you have and help set up,” Jack ordered causing his older brother to pout, not for too long because a loud crash could be heard from the kitchen.

“For god sakes Mikey!” Josh shouted at the man who had managed to knock down some of Joe’s present that he was suppose to be wrapping.

“Ugh you’re on Marvin duty, go take him for a walk!” Mikey with a look of guilt, grumbled something under his breath as he left the flat with Marvin.

“Not fair!” Conor whined, causing Jack to let out a sigh of frustration.


It took a total of 2 more hours before the boys had finished setting up, Caspar and Oli had come over with the cake, along with the alcohol. Now Jack and Joe had a planned lunch date that he needed to attend to. “You guys go get the food, and gather the guest up, I’m off.”

Jack face lit up as he saw Joe looking all cute sitting out front of his house all by himself. “Joe Love, happy birthday,” Joe jumped at the arrivals of his boyfriend, mbut a smile quickly flew upon his lips at the sight of the man.

“Jack, you’re late,” He whined while standing up and wrapping his arms around Jack, well the best he could since Jack had a present in his left arm. “It’s okay since you got me a gift, you didn’t have to get me a gift, I already told you that.”

“It’s your birthday Joe, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t give you a gift, now go on open it,” Jack made sure his camera was focused on Joe ready to capture his reaction. Joe gave Jack a small smile. George slowly opening the gift his eyes shined with glee as the pup came into sight.

“No! You didn’t!” Joe yelled as he pulled the pup out the box, getting a full examination of the dog.

“I did,” Jack smiled widely at his boyfriends reaction, just like he thought Joe and Marvin together are the cutest pair ever.

“I love you, and I love this little fella too,” Joe leaned up a place a soft kiss on Jacks lips, which Jack returned smiling into the kiss. They pulled back when Marvin let out a little yip seeking Joes attention. “What’s his name?”

“Marvin,” Jack place a soft pat on Marvin’s head the dog practically purrs with happiness.

“Marvin Greyson Maynard,” Joe finishes causing Jack to blush.

“You want him to have my last name?”

“Of course, I plan to have it someday too,” Joe smirked at Jacks shocked face before walking back into his flat. “You coming?”

“Uh huh,” He mumbled as he followed his boyfriend inside.

Enzo Amore One Shot - Superstar Ink

“…Alright lets talk about the newest one ya got… Everyone on social media is talking about it.” Corey pointed to the fresh ink on Enzo’s arm. Everyone online freaked out about the new tattoo Enzo sported. Rumors flew that it was for you his girlfriend while others said it was for his newly launched career. “Ah this one… I haven’t really shared this story with many people yet… “ Enzo grinned moving his arm so the camera could see the tattoo better. “It looks handwritten.” Corey pointed out. “You would be correct. You see about 3 years ago me and Big Cass were at developmental… Just started out hitting the mat with some of the big guys. It was an average day taking turns and all when Triple H walks in with a few other people in suits. None of us really took notice to it until we saw (Y/N) with them… I don’t know if you know her or not…” Enzo grinned as Corey smiled. “Know her?? She is arguably the best Woman in the WWE. Youngest to reign champion and holds more records than a record store.” “Yeah thats the girl.” Enzo continued with a smile. “Well you see… She watched us warm up and run the ropes and afterwards she gave us all some advice… We were eating it up since obviously she knows what she’s doing. Hung on every word that came out of her mouth. Now understand this… She was talking to everyone but skipped me and Cass… Scared me to death because I thought I was gonna get a disapproval from one of the best. She asked me and him to go out in the hall with her… Talk about flash backs to public school.” Enzo laughed with Corey. “But it turned out she was super impressed with us… Said we had something that she had never seen before that we weren’t a carbon copy of the ones before us… The girl I personally looked up to told me and my brother that we had something that caught her eye… And before she left the performance center she gave us each a piece of paper… It had her number, signature and a quote on it…” Enzo took out his wallet and showed the piece of paper. “Hide the number here.” He folded it so your number was hidden and held the paper beside his tattoo. “She told us to keep in contact with her and to let her know if we ever needed anything from her… You see I held on to this because it showed me I had support from one of the best.” The tattoo was your signature and your handwritten words ‘If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.’ “These words have been branded in my head and honestly have got me to where I am today. If was faced with a challenge I didn’t it full force. And I got the signature because in that moment of her telling us we had something of value and that she wanted to give us that push we needed… It was like she put a signature on our careers… That girl always kept up with us and had comments after out shows… She invested in us and I owe her so much.” Enzo smirked and shook his head. “That is quite a story.” Corey smiled. “Yeah… I love that girl and honestly I want to spend the rest of my life trying to give back twice as much as she has given me. She is honestly my better half.” 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING… I loved his superstar ink video with Corey and just got inspired to write a one shot about it… please let me know what you think… any and all feed back is welcome… and if you think I should do one where his girlfriend talks about her ink (and her new tattoo for Enzo) let me know… THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING

I’m still figuring out how to not compare myself to someone else, which is the direct cause of me still being upset over things that don’t normally elicit this kind of emotional response from me

Like, does this person not want to be my friend because I’m not femme? Or I’m not attractive enough? What about me isn’t right? Or what am I doing/did I do wrong?

I’m not sure why I’m getting myself stuck in this overthinking cycle of unworthiness, so that’s where my head is at today

I know it’ll pass with more time but damnit, if it isn’t the most frustrating thing

I don’t know how to not feel like I’m being a selfish and horrible person for reacting this way, especially after talking to literally anyone about it, because I usually immediately regret it

anonymous asked:

1. He always looks great - with Barba please!

This may not be what you meant when you said with Barba, so hopefully you like it. For some reason, it’s where my head went immediately.

“Barba was on fire today.”

You nodded in agreement as you stood there with Sonny and Amanda, discussing the verdict, but your attention was elsewhere. You were watching Barba further down the courthouse steps, talking to reporters.

You’d also been impressed with his skill in the courtroom, but lately you found yourself admiring much more than his legal ability.

It was more than a little distracting.

“That last witness for the defense, he completely tore him a new one. He was great,” Amanda said. “Right?”

Still staring and half listening you nodded again, mumbling a response. 

“Yeah, he always looks great.”

Sonny nudged you with an elbow. “What was that?”

The nudge broke you out of your trance-like state. 

“I said he was great.”

Amanda and Sonny exchanged looks.

“You did not. You said he always looks great. And judging by how long you’ve been staring over there, I have a feeling you’ve been thinkin’ that for a while.”

You turned your back completely to where Barba stood on the steps. 

“I didn’t get much sleep last night, and my head was somewhere else. It was just a slip.”

Sonny pursed his lips. “Uh-huh.”

“Nothin’ to get embarassed about,” Amanda added. “I mean, he’s not my type, but I can see it. Nice butt, too.”

You did your very best not to respond. You could tell by her smirk she was baiting you, and as hard as you tried, you couldn’t help but smile.

“Okay, yes, I think he’s attractive. Big deal.”

“And you think he has a nice butt,” Sonny teased. “Say it.”

“Will you both shut up and never speak of this again if I do?”

They both shrugged and gave a half-hearted nod.

“Yes, I not only think ADA Barba is cute, but I think he has a cute butt.”

“Well, that’s flattering.”

Your eyes widened and your stomach dropped as you saw the huge grins on both Sonny and Amanda’s faces, Barba’s voice behind you. You mouthed some choice words to the two in front of you before turning around.

“Nice job in court today, Barba.”

He smirked, eyebrow raised. “Thanks. I’d like to think it was my great legal prowess, but it might just be these new pants.”

“You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”

“Not anytime soon.”

Luke Holland Blurb #5

Prompt: Just a personal blurb, and I use Luke for all of them.

Word Count: ??

I don’t know what to call this feeling. This current state of being was conflicting. I felt my eyes were going to flood any second. But I felt the need to punch something or someone as well. My heart was racing and I just wanted to be held and told everything would be alright. But no. Here I am, like I’ve been for the past 11 months. Trapping myself in this imaginary utopia that I call my escape. I’m merely weeks from the age of 20, and I don’t act my age most of the time. I just don’t know how to explain anything. I’m lost in a world that was meant to make me feel connected to others. Instead, it’s been a sad hell. He doesn’t know anything, and he can’t know. Plus he’ll never know.


I opened my laptop, and clicked on the Microsoft Word icon. I felt today was one of those days to express what I was currently feeling. I began to but start typing, but was interrupted by the sound of keys and the door opening. He was home earlier than I expected. I shut my laptop and scurried down out the room and greeted my brown haired lover. I engulfed him in a tight embrace, and kissed his chest. He smelt of Old Spice and peppermint.


“Mm, someone’s more loving than usual.” He mused, kissing the top of my head. Encircling his arms around me, he pulled held me close and I could hear him hum a tune. It must have been a song he heard in the car. I assumed Ellie Goulding.


“I always am loving, silly.” I mumbled into his chest, then looked up at him. His eyes met mine, and I felt my heart sink. If he knew how neagtive i thought of myself, he’d hate me. I was in love with someone so perfect. And I was the opposite. I was not who I wanted to be, yet he loved me anyway.


“True, you are. But you don’t always approach me and kiss my chest. Which I think you should do more.” He smirked, planting a kiss on my nose. “Is there anything bothering you?” He asked, swaying back and forth with me in his arms.


“Just the usual. Dealing with hate, problems amongst my friends, and cornering myself into isolation.” I admitted unwillingly, and he hugged me tighter.


“Babe, what have I told you? If they were real friends. They would accept this, and accept that you’re happy. And that I chose you.”


But he didn’t understand that I could not, for the life of me, wrap my mind around why he even fell in love with me. There were so any other beautiful young ladies that could have been in his arms. But he chose me. And the prude fact that so many people hated it, and sent the most horrendous things was becoming even more unbearable with each day that passed. But I kept to myself, for I did not want Luke to worry about anything except his career.


“What are real friends?” I questioned, sighing into his chest.


Removing an arm from my waist, he subtly lifted my face with an index finger.


“Look at me, just for a few seconds.” He kindly demanded, and I shifted my eyes slowly. I took in every detail of his face. The sun did him some good. He wasn’t as pale as used to be. His cheeks flushed red, which I adored. His hair wasn’t covered by a beanie. It was messy, just the way I liked it. And his nose. Who doesn’t admire his nose? It was cutest thing about him. Finally, my eyes locked with his. Bright blue and gorgeous. His lips pursed into a small smile, and he parted his lips to speak. “I am in love with you and only you. No one else’s opinions matter to me except yours, and my own. If I actually cared about what people said, do you think I’d be where I am today?”


Shaking my head, I could see the passion in his eyes. He meant this. He wanted me to take this to heart and not let a damn thing bother me.


“Exactly. Now I need you to listen closely.”


He brushed his lips against mine, and chuckled. “You are the only one I’ll ever need in my life. And I want you to ignore those people who put you down. Those so-called friends, are not to be in your life anymore, alright? You’ve got me.” He kissed me, “The guys.” He kissed me again, “And you’ve got every other band who approves of us.” He kissed me once more, and let it linger. Both his hands cupped my face, deepening the kiss and causing my heart to race with excitement.


Luke was right. I needed to care less of what others thought. No matter how terrible those statements made me feel. They weren’t going to ruin or determine my future, unless I allowed them too. And I was not going to let that happen.


His kisses felt so indescribable. The sweetness was contagious. I felt complete whenever our lips met.


He slowly pulled away, and smiled ever so broadly.


“What?” I asked, staring at how gorgeous he looked.


“Oh nothing, just thought you’d remember but I guess you didn’t. And I’m glad I did.” He chuckled, reaching into his pocket.


What could I have possibly forgotten?


“Luke, what are you talking about?” I wondered, attempting to read his expression. It seems I must have forgotten something that was important. But his hand still shuffled in his pocket. He pulled out a little rectangular box. I gasped, and covered my face in shock. “Luke what is that?”

Using his index finger, he motioned for me to turn around. I was facing the empty living room, and on the verge of tears. He moved my hair out the way, and caught a glimpse of this metal object being placed around my neck. “Happy 2 year anniversary darling.” He whispered into my ear, kissing my temple.


I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten.


I forgot.


I turned around ever so quickly and jumped into his arms, connecting my lips to his and letting my fingers get tangled in his hair. “I fucking love you so much, you know that?” I mumbled into the kiss, just feeling extremely euphoric that he had remembered.


“I know you do. And I love you even more.” He replied.


“More than the moon and the stars?” I questioned, smirking against his lips.


“More than the universe. And always will love you.”

A/N: idk, i just thought this was cute. another personal kinda blurb. sorrrryyyy.

11 Years

This is about me, totally personal and not SPN so feel free to scroll by if it’s not your thing!

Today I am celebrating eleven years sober.  Eleven fucking years.  I can’t believe this is actually my life.  If you told me twelve years ago that I could go without drinking or using for even a day, I probably would have laughed in your face.

Eleven years without drinking or drugs.  Eleven years of real life with ups and downs, bad days and awesome days without having to escape through alcohol. 

I don’t know why eleven feels so much bigger than ten. Ten is a pretty big sobriety milestone.  Maybe it’s because just in the past few months alone I’ve walked through the most difficult things I’ve ever faced.  And I made it through.  I’ve still got a smile on my face.  I’m still grateful for what I have, even when things suck sometimes.  

So yeah.  Eleven.  That’s where my head is at today.  I’m feeling proud of myself and looking forward to what the future brings.

“I think we need to talk.”

Request from anon: Could you do an imagine where y/n is pregnant and doesn’t want him to know. And maybe he finds out after he finds abortion pills in her purse or something. And you can take it from there, looove your blog btw 😍💕 Thank you love! 


“Hey Y/N, come take a shot with us!” I was called from the back to pregame with the squad. “I’m-I’m okay! Drink without me!” I yell back. “You good? You haven’t been drinking with us in a while. Few weeks now. You always want to drink with us.” J chuckles to himself. “What are you… pregnant?” He takes a sip from his beer. “I think I am…” I say quietly. He stops and looks at me, “Are you- you’re lying. You can’t be… With Sam? Right now?? With Sam??? Does he know that you’re pregnant???” I quietly smack my hand over his mouth, “No! No he does not know and you are not going to tell him or anyone else! This stays between you and I. Deal?” I whisper in his face as he nods. 

“Why haven’t you told him? I mean you’re keeping this baby, he’s going to find out sooner or later…” He just says. “You ARE keeping the baby.. Right???” He gets in my face. “I don’t know yet..” I huffed out. “Y/N,” He was about to lecture me until the boys came back out into the living room to finish their game. “Not. One. Word.” I said loud enough for only him to hear as Sam sat down next to me, throwing his arm over my shoulder, “Thanks for dinner babe. Isn’t she great guys?” A roar of Yeses came from the boys as Johnson said mildly, “Yeah, she’s great.” He crossed his arms looking at the tv, mad at what I said. 

The next morning, I was doing research on babies and motherhood and planned parenthood when I heard a knock on the front door. I went to answer it, and once I did, I was pushed to the side by a still pissed off Johnson. “I’m going to need you to explain to me EVERYTHING. Because something in my head is not clicking.” He says, waving his arms in front of him. “How far along are you?” “9 weeks.” “So are you keeping the baby or not?” “I don’t know yet Jack! I’m really trying to convince myself but I-I just can’t! Sam and I aren’t even legal to even drink yet! What makes you think we are capable enough to take care of a human being for the rest of their life? We are both irresponsible young adults right now…” 

“Y/N, you are one of THE most responsible young adult I have ever met. And Sam is GREAT with kids. You know that! He will pick up on his part if he has too! And you are the mama bear of the squad! You have a mother instinct in you! So you are way more than ready to be a mother. You just have to tell him before you make any decision.” He walks up to me, pulling me into a hug. “Besides, you and Sam would make a bomb ass baby together. It was either now or later, might as well now. A baby would keep the whole squad in check.” “You want me to have this baby for your guys’ benefit? Selfish.” I playfully hit him. “But come on, what are you going to do?” Right before I spoke up, a video ad pops up on the computer and he turns his head to the computer. “Planned parenthood?” He raises his eyebrow as he gets closer to the computer and I trail behind him. He scrolls through the page, “Abortion? Come on Y/N.” “It’s a back up plan okay? I just- I need a list of plans if worst comes to worst. No big deal. I haven’t 100% decided to go through with it yet. I was actually about to do to the doctors to see how my pregnancy is so far. Want to come?” He nods as we go to my doctors. 

During my appointment, I just got a check up, had an ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, got a picture of how the fetus looks now, everything was fine. “Tell him.” “Jack, I think we need to talk. You also pushing me is really getting on my nerves.” “You have to tell him.” Jack says in my ear as we were walking in the mall, meeting up with the boys for dinner. “Jack, please stop.” “You have to tell him.” “I’ll tell him. Just, ugh, give me some time okay?” “I can’t give you time. You signed up for an abortion information meeting. There is no time!” “I JUST WANT TO KNOW OK. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING INFORMATION.” I stopped talking when we walked into the boys, “There you guys are.” Sam said, smiling at me, kissing my head. “Where did you guys go today?” “Movies,” “The studio.” Jack and I said at the same time. “We were at the studio, and watching movies there..” I played it off. 

After dinner, Sam and I made it to my apartment. We walked in as we put our keys and jackets on the table, “You have messages on your machine babe.” “Play them!” I say, tidying up for a second. “First new message. Hi Ms. Y/L/N. It’s Dr. Miller from earlier. I was just calling in regard of something I came across in the office. I see that you have signed up,” I quickly made my way to the machine, “on information about,” I tried to run to the machine as fast as I could to turn it off, “abortion.” And hit stop. Sam looked at me, “What the hell was that about?” He says. “Abortion??? Y/N, what is going on? 

“Sam, I think we need to talk.” “I think we do too.” He said, crossing his arms as we both walked to the couch and sat down. “What the hell is going on Y/N? Why did your doctor just say something about an abortion? You’re not pregnant though…. Are you???” “I am…” I whispered, shutting my eyes.. “Are-are you really? You’re really pregnant. There’s a fetus in you right now…” He says breathless, pointing at my stomach. I get up and go through my purse, taking out the picture of the ultrasound. “Congrats Sam, you’re a father.” I handed it to him. “You’re really pregnant..” He stares at it for a second. 

“And you were going to abort it? Before telling me?! Why? How could you?! This is my baby too! What if I wanted the kid Y/N? How are you going to decide something without telling me?!” He gets so mad, he stands up, pacing back and forth. “I’M NOT GETTING AN ABORTION SAM!” “But the message,” “I just signed up to get INFORMATION about an abortion. I just-it was a back up plan just in case you didn’t want the baby after I told you. I needed to plan things before I told you.” 

“You’re not going to get an abortion?” “No.. Not after you fighting for this baby.” I stood up, wrapping my arms around his waist. “We are in this together now, forever.” “Forever.” He kisses me, “We’re having a baby!” He smiles big, jumping a little. “Can’t wait to tell everyone!”