Today I (unintentionally) learned a lot about myself. Ive spent the past 9 months tearing myself down and allowing myself to think and act in ways that I am not proud of.
I was broken, I am broken. I had spent so much time and energy in my life trying to be the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect athlete, and really the perfect person. I had put so much effort into every aspect of my life, that I lost who I was and I became immensely unhappy with who I was. So much so that I began to self-sabotage my own well being by doing things that I morally dont agree with. I had allowed myself to fall into a rut, where I was not only treating myself poorly, but also letting others treat me so. I felt empty inside, nearly worthless. This was an emptiness that was only rivaled by my own constant shortcomings (in my mind) when trying to please my perfectionist and achieving parents.
In January I decided to do something I told myself I would never do; hookup. Up until that point in my life I had felt that sex and intimate relationships should be between two people that deeply care about each other and that’s what made it special. In all honesty I was using sex to try and feel something because at that point in my life, nothing felt good. The first hookup lead to the next, and so on, and so on. I finally felt something good, for just a brief moment, then nothing. I had allowed myself to “let go” and “relax” and in the moment I was finally feeling again. It was only for a brief period of time that this was the case, as I soon after felt not numb, but furious and sad. These negative emotions began to drive my life, however I convinced myself that they were worth it for 20 minutes of feeling good once in a while. After a while my body count grew and along with it, the dark feelings grew; driving myself down deeper and deeper. Some hookups lead to feelings being developed and then shortly after crushed, which only fueled the dark place even more. I would look in the mirror, broken and hollow inside, with only a hint of rage toward myself in my eyes.
I turned to tumblr and the validation I would get from followers on some posts of mine, the more sexual and revealing ones specifically. This “validation” was nothing more than a way for myself to somehow justify my behaviors. You will notice that I have taken down many of the images, as I posted them when I was in a time where all I wanted was to have my body complimented because sex and my physical appearance were the only things I felt I was good at/with. This also had fueled many of the emotions I was having.
I am making this post because I have finally gotten to the place in my life where I have realized all of these bad things in my life are my own choices and that I am the one who can control them. I, like many people have their flaws and their problems, my hope is that I can be a voice of hope and somehow help somebody who is going through the shitstorm of the past 9 months that I have gone through. Stay true to your morals even in the darkest of times, because you will survive them. And you will be better off for doing so with who you truly are as a person in tact, rather then spending so much time in your recovery hating yourself and continuing to break them as a way to punish yourself even more.
Today Im putting an end to the bullshit I have pulled myself through for the past 9 months. Today is the last day I allow myself to feel empty inside and angry towards myself for the decisions I made while I was in a bad place. Today I removed many of the toxic people from my life. Today I looke dat myself in the mirror and started to feel like I used to. Today I made the change. Tomorrow, I start living again.