Die zwischenzeitlich 4. Tagesempfehlung, die 2014 aus dem Album “So long see you tomorrow” des Bombay Bicycle Club kommt. Dabei hatten “So Long…” und ich eigentlich keinen so guten Start, war die Erwartungshaltung nach dem überragenden 2013 er Vorabtaster “Carry me” vielleicht doch ein bisschen zu sehr ins Uferlose geraten. Doch nach vielfachem Hören funktioniert “So long….” ganz prächtig und ist mir in Form des Stückes “Whenever, Whereever” durchaus eine Tagesempfehlung wert.
Lucky that my lips not only mumble, they spill kisses like a fountain. Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains. Lucky I have strong legs like my mother, to run for cover when I need it :)
I think the one, single problem I have with Shadowhunters so far is Clary’s independence. She’s a go-getter in the books- flaming red hair, slapping the strongest Shadowhunter without fear, sticking up for herself literally whenever, whereever. And in the show it portrays that well; she’s yelling at Alec and yelling at Jace and all that, but she’s giving up s/o quickly./ I don’t know if this is just me making a big deal out of small things, but this episode heightened her dependency on Jace by a lot. Clary would never give up on finding her mom, even if it seemed like there was “no other way.”
Alright, first I want to address the fact that I am well aware that people discourage showing your dirty laundry online- I say fuck that. Those of you who know me or are friends with me on here know that I show ALL my dirty laundry whenever and whereever I feel like it. It’s not for sympathy, it’s not for attention, it’s because I am just ME, and I don’t believe in some form of lying online because life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, everyone has their shit, and I share mine because maybe someone else is going through the same shit than can take some solace in the fact that they aren’t alone.
I am a happy person. I have little to complain about. I have a very supportive boyfriend, who treats me well, I have an amazing family, I have a job I enjoy, friends I love, an amazing home, pets and I have a pretty great life. But one thing I can’t stress enough is that DEPRESSION DOESN’T CARE. It doesn’t. I have struggled with depression since I was in high school. Nothing triggered it, it didn’t start because of some traumatizing event in my life, it’s just part of me, a part of me I grapple with. MY depression, and I say MY here because everyones depression presents itself so differently, is a depression that likes to come and go. My depression is like a horrible best friend when I am sad, and a party crasher when I forget about it. It hates being forgotten. I have been depressed when it is clear that I have a reason to be, which is more socially acceptable (after a traumatic break up, after a traumatic event in my life, death etc) but I am also struggling with depression right NOW (with no apparent outside circumstances that would warrant it. And THAT is what makes depression so hard to explain to those who haven’t had the same struggle.
I AM my depression in the morning. I wake up, when my boyfriend is getting ready to go to class at 730 am and have no will or desire to move, breathe, talk, or get out of bed. But I go to bed KNOWING that this fight is going to happen in the morning. I go to bed KNOWING that my depression is going to be there when I wake up. But when you’re IN it, nothing matters. I go to bed with a plan, to wake up when he gets up, “if I can just make it to the shower…” he’s even tried helping, too. He puts on a happy song, he asks me to come feed the cat or the fish, anything to get that initial ‘one over’ on the depression that is slowly covering me like a warm dark blanket that I won’t want to leave. Depression fucking SUCKS, let me tell you. It really fucking does. I know I have no REASON to feel this way, I know that it comes across pathetic and lazy and “well why don’t you just GET UP”, and I don’t really have an answer for all of that yet. You can make all the plans you want with depression, but it will slowly make all those plans seem less appealing than just laying with it for awhile. Depression LOVES your company. It is my brain turning against my body and my heart. It is the biggest part of me in those moments. I am NOT my depression once I get moving, once I start going through the motions of being a human being. I am actually a pretty loveable, funny, enjoyable, care-free and spontaneous person to be around so I am told. But my depression HATES that side of me, and will do anything to make that person back the fuck off. When I don’t work until 1 in the afternoon, if I don’t get out of bed while Anthony is getting ready for school, the depression has won, because the minute he is out the door the little voices come back, depressions possy, “call in sick, stay in bed all day, let’s just dream a little longer, okay you don’t NEED to get up until like, 12 since you work at 1, so let’s do that. there’s no purpose for you out there, it’d be easier to just join me than fight me”
How do you overcome these voices? I’ll let you know once I figure that out. But it isn’t fucking easy. Anthony has tried almost everything to get me out of bed with him in the morning, he asks me to come shower, my depression answers “no i showered last night” he asks me to come have a cup of tea, my depression answers “i don’t want tea” he tells me, you know you want to get up, don’t let it win this time, my depression answers “no no i’m awake i’m just going to lay here a little while and check my email”
Depression is a weasely, snakey, manipulative bastard. But it’s not ME, but how can you explain that to people that love you? I come home from work in a perfectly great, authentic Casile mood, and Anthony will ask, “how did this morning go” and I remember, my depression won, my depression pulled one over on not only me, but on him as well. He says all these things he tried to do to help, and I can’t even REMEMBER the answers I gave him, because I am not me in the morning. I am someone else. My depression will say anything to get what it wants, and it’s been winning for 2 weeks now. My depression comes and goes, but when it’s there, it is real, and it is scary, and it is sad.
I KNOW, me, I know, that all I need to do is tell it to go fuck itself and just make it to the shower, just get there, and the rest will fall in place. Casile KNOWS that, but the depression knows that too, so it does anything in it’s power to keep me where it wants me, I’m trying. It never LOOKS like it on the outside when people are grappling with depression, when people find out I struggle with it they are taken aback “WHAT?! YOUU? You struggle with depression? No way, you’re always so chipper and light hearted and down to earth, and well, HAPPY” and all I can tell them is that 90% of the people they know probably struggle with it too. It’s not like a cold or a flu where the symptoms present themselves with real physical side effects, that people can see and understand and adjust their behaviour for, no. Depression is secret, and slimy, and under the surface, just waiting for the next moment it can swallow you.
It fuckin blows, and I’m not going to sugar coat it or lie about how I’ve been dealing with it. I haven’t been. But I am fucking fighting. I’ve come out on top before, and I will again. But this is where I am right NOW, and here sucks. But it won’t forever.